Dating 2.0

I'm Moving... Er I moved?

2010-07-16T08:02:00.000-05:00

Well Hopefully I'm moving. I've nearly got it all set up.. nearly. Everything was packed up and dragged over.

So.. I guess I'll appologize to all you for having to reset your RSS feeds, and re-follow me on Networked blogs. well that is if you want to. I won't.. require it. I don't have thugs in the bushes waiting to make you do it or else.

But I'd like you all to join me on my new site.. which is hopefully less aggrivating for you as it is for me... partially anyway..

Anyway, here's the site MaruskaMorena.com

Mourning The Loss Of Possibility

2010-07-15T13:29:00.001-05:00

Funny enough, after having a conversation yesterday where I mention that most dating bloggers are f'n crazy. I then proceed along my day only proving that statement true for myself.

1. I call some strange dude that I've never met. I know. I know.

2. I head out to get groceries and stalk the pool on the way to and from my car looking for Mr. Hot German.

3. I break down in tears over someone I'm not dating, whom I've never met, and proceed to want to get obliterated with alcohol because of it.

1 & 2 are normal crazy for me. 3... well I'm gunna blame hormones, but really its more involved than that.. which honestly does make me crazy.

See, I have loved this guy for a long time. We've slowly been getting to know each other. When we first met, he wanted nothing to do with a relationship and I did.

He's honestly the only person since my divorce that I haven't "broken out into hives" at the thought of getting into a relationship. Partly because we seem to understand each other, and partly I suppose because we're miles apart and it seems more like a fantasy than real reality.

We've talked while we dated other people. He's asked my advice several times when courting a new girl, but its never been anything serious.

Then last night, he asked my advice on proposing to her. This girl he's been dating for a little while.

See when someone I care for, asks me for advice, I auto-pilot to give them the best advice I know, without any reguard for myself. It is how I am. I could be selfish and help him destroy his relationship, but I couldn't face myself in the mirror let alone face him. Because honestly, I sincerely just want him to be happy, even more than the desire to be the one that makes him happy.

I'd been as clear as I could be about my feelings without actually sending him naked pictures labeled "Do Me" or sending him some silly love note. I'm also not keen, since my ex, to be the one making the overtures. I really want a guy who wants me enough, not to let me go.

It doesn't much matter anyway. He's head over heels. A goner. I'm sure I can hope that she'll say no, but I know she won't. He's that great of a catch.

So last night, I drank up while crying into my wine. Maybe I'll find one of my own, someday.

Simply Frustrated

2010-07-14T15:07:00.001-05:00

I was at a meeting last night, which I was told... "My goodness woman, you should be rolling in the dough." when I explained exactly what it was that I do.

I honestly do 3 things. I'm pretty good at two of them, and more than adequate at the other. The adequate one is the one I'm working on the most right now. Its easy. The other two are "fun" projects.

It never fails though that when I tell people the 3 things that I do they will tell me which one I should be concentrating on to make lots of money.

"You know #1 will make you tons of money."

"Wow, I really could use someone who does #2, you could make a lot of money at that."

"You do #3?? I have a bunch of friends who need you. Start your own business. You'll make tons of money."

It's really annoying. Mostly since I'm not making any money (ok I'm making some money, but not enough to cover bills) on any of them right now. and that no one seems to agree on which one I should be doing.

Also annoying... I'm not meeting anyone my age when I go out. It might be some kind of mental problem of mine, or maybe the world just really wants me to date someone much much older or much much younger.

Actually the other day I was making fun of this guy who I ran into on OkStupid who keeps trying to connect me with guys I would have babysat in HS. This guy claimed to be 35, but looked and dressed in his pictures as if he was maybe 23. So I complained to Holi that he was lying about his age.

She replied, "Well now isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?"

Which I got offended.. Cuz I don't lie on dating sites. Instead she explained,

"How many times do you bitch about guys writing you off because they think you're too young for them?"

Holi is really a bitch sometimes. :)

I look young. It's not a conscience effort. I don't do botox or get face lifts. I honestly have never really worried about wrinkles. (knocking on wood as I type this) I just haven't aged that much in the last 20 years. In HS, I looked early 20's, and now I look roughly late 20's maybe early 30's. Absolutely no one ever thinks I'm 37, and often look at me like I've grown a third head when they do find out. (I also often get asked about my skin care regimen - Oh how do I stay so young?)

So anyway, back to the men I'm meeting. Pierce btw... 11 yrs younger than me. The rocker guy (I've not mentioned yet) 11 yrs younger than me. The annoyingly chipper but cute salesman type guy at the bar last night who locked me into an entire 45 minutes of conversation, is 11 yrs younger than me.

The other men I'm meeting are all much older. One I kinda have a crush on, is 49 and won't give me the time of day because I'm too young (you should see the wrinkly women he does hit on). Others are 48-65. Some are attractive men and some just remind me of creepy old men.

What I really need to find is the German guy from my pool again. I'm a bad judge of age on sexy men with chests of steel, but I guarantee you he was at least my age or older. (Did I mention that I was walking by the pool to get to my car.. I see him through the break in the trees toweling off. He's dark haired, chiseled, and wet. I can't stop watching. He's watching me. I look away finally, he keeps watching me. Then when I look back at him, he waves me over with a come here hand gesture then asks me to join him. If only I wasn't on my way to a meeting. Damn it.)

Anyone know where to find the 30-40's men? Or are they all dead?.. er married I mean.

Purposefully Seeking OCD

2010-07-12T21:45:00.001-05:00

I'm going to admit something.. you probably already know, but something I've kept hidden from myself. Its how I process, I know this.. I just... well.. its hard to see what you're hiding from yourself, because... well.. you're hiding it from yourself.

See how that works?

I've been trying to re-build my life for years, with the most progress happening this last year since the divorce. I may or may not have had a "breakdown" years ago. Its hard to say, and never was diagnosed. But looking back, I have to wonder.

All I know is that somewhere along the way, I forgot how to be a functional human being. I honestly blame my ex, but in reality I should blame myself. I stayed where I should have fled.

I'm discovering little things on my road back to humanity. I forgot what it was like to take joy in doing something for absolutely no reason other than I wanted to. I forgot what it was like to actually get a real paycheck for real services rendered. I forgot that pride.

People used to call me "Monica".. remember Monica from friends.. she was OCD, reserved, a great cook. Everything had its place. It drove her crazy when something wasn't where it belonged.

Thats how I used to be. Seriously. Everything had its place. Somehow during the battle with my ex (who believed that everything went wherever he decided to leave it, and that fairies would move it back to its spot. He also believed that to cure OCD was for him to simply do everything that made me crazy.), up until even today, that particular OCD has gone away. (not fully, but for the most part yes.)

I was actually having a conversation with my best friend where she began to talk about how she now has my OCD... well not exactly, she's much more of a clean-freak than I ever was. I started looking around my apartment and realized that.. I no longer have any of the "functional" parts of my OCD.

Seriously, its like apathy has taken over OCD. Like I am (was) functioning defeated. Like I'd given up.

So I've decided that I'm going to get it back. I'm happier with things in their place. I'm happier with a cleaner/neater apartment.

And so, I've been slowly digging myself out of this hole I've built. I can almost see my dining room table again.

I'm making a new list of "rules" and will be practicing doing them until I get back to where I was... ok maybe not the insane OCD crap.. but functional. Where I can have someone over maybe without saying "Oh, umm.. just close your eyes."

(Btw, I have managed to rid myself of my "I need this" hoarding OCD, which I am not seeking to take up again. Thanks but that's one I can do just fine without.)

**** For you that are grossing yourselves out with your imaginations, please understand that my mess is clean mess. I don't have left over food containers all over, or crumbs everywhere. Its just old things to get rid of, papers to file, clothes to give to goodwill.. and some canned goods to put away.

Stop The Muffin-Top Bra!

2010-07-09T12:27:00.000-05:00

OH DEAR LORD!

I don't talk much about fashion though I have to say I definitely have some strong opinions on it. The other night I was watching late late night TV.. couldn't sleep.. and came across a waste of time called "The Wendy Williams Show" which I watched mostly because I was doing other things and not caring a whole lot about what was on.

Then she started talking about fashion and had a fashion expert on the show. The fashion expert had some good tips, so I paid attention.

Then Wendy and a guest (not the fashionista) began to talk about bra selection. They both said that they thought (or used to think) that having that little bubble of breast hanging over the top of the bra was sexy. They both had been told by fashion experts to buy larger (better fitting) bras.

Dear Women of the World.. (men if you disagree please comment and tell me why)

Wearing your boobs out in public in a bra that is too small causing your boobs to bubble over the top or outside of the bra.. IS DISGUSTING!

Its not sexy. It makes you look like you're fashion stupid or poor (can't afford an appropriately sized bra) or just a trashy woman without any taste.

Please please please.. go into your nearest department store or lingerie shop with knowledgeable staff and get yourself measured for an appropriate size.

Unlike our shoes.. our boobs size can change at the drop of a hat. Weight gain. Weight loss. Even time of the month (hormonal) can cause size changes.. which in some women can be very significant. So you may need a couple choices of fits.

For most of us women, our boobs are one of our greatest selling features when dating. When we want to look good, a good bra can sometimes make or break an outfit. (Not to mention what a good bra can do for the .. umm.. gym. - As my childhood friend said about my sister as she ran to first base in softball "Holy Cow! She could knock herself out with those.")

Honestly women.. I cannot stress this enough.. when it comes to fashion.. to looking good.. to making an impression.. a good fitting bra is essential.

A muffin-top bra is never acceptable. So stop it... stop it now!

(please notice that all pictures are muffin-top free.. take notes.)

The Hottest Guy Comes With Wheels

2010-07-08T12:35:00.000-05:00

So the other night, I go to this networking meeting. Pierce was supposed to be there, but thats not entirely why I went. I do have my own life outside of the urge to stalk him.

Plus the fact that he didn't reply to my DM the other day.. he's a little bit in the doghouse. Honestly, I'd completely write him off if he wasn't so damn attentive last I saw him... and well if he wasn't so damn cute.

So anyway, I go. Pierce is not there. But I honestly only notice his abscense for about the first 5 minutes.

I enter and behind me in the entrance line is my old director and her beau. This is a networking thing for the geeky. I was a little shocked that she was there and that she'd heard about it. Weird.

Anyway, we get closer to the front of the line... there's a couple in front of me.. when a loud voice from the table says "Hey Maruska! I got ya, just fill out a nametag."

It's my favorite hot happily-married man. So I grin at him.

"Whaaa? you know who I am?" I say jokingly while I fill out my nametag.

Well a few minutes later after checking out who all is there (aka not Pierce), my old director finds me.

"Hey, how'd you do that?"

I look at her like she's grown a third eye as I try to jog my memory about what I might have just done.

"Huh?"

"At the entrance, how'd you do that?" She's looking at me as if I'm the social guru of the year.

"Oh, yeah.. I know him. No biggie. I actually know quite a few of the people here. I'm kinda geek." I admit as I am uncomfortable with her whole "omg you've got the hookup" attitude... though I was a little flattered by it. She's the Who's Who of Independant Theatre in Austin, so it was kinda funny getting on her "respect" list for networking.

"Oh wow, I didn't know. I just heard about these things." She says while looking around.

I'm looking around too, but mostly for someone to motion to me and save me from what is bound to me more uncomfortable talking.

I mention to her that I need to go say "Hi" to a few people and wish her a fun evening. Then I fled.

Of course, Pierce was a no-show the entire event. But that didn't mean I wasn't flirting around.

Actually, I wasn't so much flirting around as I was being flirted with. Made my head spin a little. See my little business venture is getting around I think.. or else it's given me some kind of pheromones to attract men.

There was one gentleman I've met like once before. Maybe twice, but pretty sure just once. I honestly don't know his name. He's hot. He's sweet. But not normally what I go for.. so not really on my radar.

But evidently I am on his. Within minutes of him seeing me, he came over and said hello. He then entrapped me into a conversation (it wasn't torturous, pleasant really, but he obviously was not letting me just flit on by). When he was interupted by a friend of his, I turned away to see who else was interesting to talk to..

Thats when I met the hottest guy.

Seriously when I tell you this guy is hot.. I mean hot... but probably not in the way most of you are thinking.

He was well kept. Great hair. Very hot face. Hot upper body. Looked like a relaxed GQ kinda guy. But what made him hot was his communication skills. The guy could talk to you and make you feel like the only woman in the room. He also listened like every word you said was gold. Two sentences in and I already wanted to nasty things to him. Sizzling.

Weirder still.. he's in a wheelchair. Something that normally I'd see, and check off my list of viable. But honestly, it wasn't really noticable. In a crowd of 50 people all standing, where his face had to be butt-high at best, I didn't really notice his chair. I simply saw a hot man. That's how smoking hot this guy is.

There are things more important than superficiality.

By the way, I wasn't the only girl swooning over this guy. He and I got interupted, and I left to find out if my other friends had shown up. Sure enough they had, so I did some chatting. In between conversations though, I'd go and see if hot guy was available for chatting.

He never was. Every time I went to see if he was free, he was fully surrounded by hot women. Seriously surrounded.

*le sigh*

I finished the evening having made a couple new friends, and with a few more hours of flirting under my belt.

... And with a little sadness that I didn't get to spend more time with the hot man.

No Need To Get High, I'm There Already

2010-07-07T13:34:00.000-05:00

So I had this interesting conversation with a guy friend the other day, and as it turns out he might be a pothead.

Once upon a time when I was just a young innocent girl (yes I know it’s hard to believe, now shhh) this revelation would have shocked me, and I'd have backed away like he said he had lice and offered me some.

Anymore though.. especially with living in Austin like I do.. it was like he said he likes to go Kayaking or White Water rafting. Two things that I don't do and have never done, but I can sort of relate to.. sort of.

I mean I've been in water. I've been tubing. I've rowed a canoe and a rowboat. I can extrapolate. I'm good like that. And I'm relatively certain that my exuberance level at rowing a canoe while the other occupants were trying to tip it mid-stream probably directly correlates to the excitement of white water rapids for others. (If I've not mentioned my fear of water with fish in it before, please insert that context into here.) Let’s just leave out my experience with tubing while being chased by a water moccasin. They were exciting adventures. Thrilling. and semi-death defying (shut up they were too).

But back to the chat about Mary-Jo-Wanna...

I'm honestly not sure how we got to talking about it. But we started to talk about getting high and had I experienced it.

Most of my life, though I was pretty much a goody-two-shoes.. still kinda am, people often looked at me like I was.. well.. high. I related well with potheads. It wasn't until a few years ago, that I really figured out why. And this conversation with my friend only cemented this theory for me.

See as my friend and I talked about getting high on pot, the more he explained.. the more I explained about my experiences with being "high"...

FYI... I've never smoked pot. Just in case you were worried. I did get a second hand high once, that was enough.. thanks.

Anyway.. the more I realized that I didn't need Mary-Jo.

See, I get high with certain allergic reactions. (I know crazy right?) Just ask my friends. They've seen it. One minute I'm all fluent in English and having logical thought patterns.. the next I'm.

well.. I'm..

"Trapped in body with a broken babblefish"

And everything you say sounds like "Waaaaa Waaaaa Waaaa" (yes the Charlie Brown parents' speak).

The world gets a little unsteady, movement feels quite like an amusement park ride, and I turn into bonafide "stupid".. I seriously have trouble remembering my name.

I even sometimes get the munchies later.

So I don't need no Mary-Jo.. I can get my high cheap, legally... well of course a little death defying..

Which is why I avoid it.

PS: That one time I did get second hand Mary-Jo high.. Scared the ever-loving crap out of me, I thought I was having an allergic reaction. Fortunately, no.. it just rendered me uncoordinated and a moron for a few hours. Phew.

The Real Non-Date Date Kinda

2010-06-28T16:50:00.000-05:00

So last night I got to hang out with Pierce. It wasn't a date or a planned event. I didn't message him "see you tonight" even though I knew he was planning on going... I am part stalker btw... because we weren't going together or even going to meet each other. We just both happened to be going to the same place.

Now I hoped that last night would pan out so that Pierce and I could get some one on one time, but my expectations were not high.

I get there and its wall to wall people. I see one person that I "know" and he sort of knows me. Matt knows who I am by my face. I doubt he knows my name, and while this guy is salesman nice (to everyone) he more often than not tries to get away from me asap. Its like I've got cooties.

So I say "Hi" to Matt, he says "Hi" in return. There's an awkward moment, and Matt flees.

I go to the bar, grab a drink, a stiff drink, and look around for other people I might know or want to get to know. The group of people is ecclectic at best. There's locals dressed "as you are", business types dressed accordingly with fancy suits and well coiffed hair (obviously gay or completely new to town), and a mix of ordinary well adjusted people who dressed normal for being where we were and outside in the heat.

I'm busy watching the show when Pierce walks in. He sees me, gives me a hug, and stays to chat a bit. Mostly just talking about who is here and who we know. I mention that I only know Matt and point out where he is. Shortly thereafter, Pierce excuses himself and says something about going to say Hi to Matt. To be honest, I wasn't listening. I was trying to watch the show and heard that he was going, and tuned out.

About 20 minutes later, when the show was over, Pierce returns to me and we talk. We talk about his work and my potential work, and this thing and that thing... and politics and BP.. He may or may not have made joking references to being too busy in college trying to get laid, and I may or may not have described my bed to him with a little too much detail (hey it fit in with the conversation I swear)... and.. then Pierce excuses himself to go to the bathroom saying quite clearly that he'll be right back.

This time.. unlike the last time we'd hung out... It wasn't said awkwardly or like he felt I needed some kind of pathetic reassurance in order to extracate himself... this time he said it solidly as a promise of "We're not done here." There was no question about it.

But I also didn't want to just sit there twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to return. I wanted to talk to a few of the performers, and took that chance to do so.. while keeping an eye on the spot where I was, watching for his return.

I barely got a few words in with a couple performers before I saw him return looking for me. (insert big grin and an inner happy dance) So I tried to catch his eye to show him where I was. He saw me talking to the performers and came and sat down a few feet away from my new position and waited. (insert swoon)

He didn't seem irritated. He just sat and waited. Patiently. Until I finished doing what I was doing. He didn't come over and try to horn in on the conversation or try to pull me away. He just waited. He didn't seem impatient or signal me to hurry up. He just waited his turn, patiently.

I seriously wanted to take him home and fuck him something rotten for that. After years of my ex being grumpy and impatient and belittling whatever it was I wanted to do... and being upset with me if I didn't do what he wanted to do and just socially been a complete pain in my ass... This was a breath of fresh air, and had we been in a relationship, Pierce would have gotten some mad crazy girl sex. Just sayin.

Left to my own devices, I probably would have prolonged my interaction with the performers quite a bit longer.. but seeing Pierce look so deliciously patient and waiting for me.. I cut out of the conversation before I would have otherwise.

Sexy intelligent man vs really cool important people who won't remember your name tomorrow? Uh sexy man please!

So I sat down next to Pierce, and we talked some more. And talked. And talked. Though it didn't seem like time was really passing, other than that crazy ache to kiss him and the visual of the sun setting, I'm not sure time really passed at all while we talked.

And he was sweet. Seriously sweet. At one point the sun was in my face when I would turn to talk to him, he, of his own accord, moved his head between mine and the sun blocking it completely from hitting my face. He did this without calling attention to what he was doing. He didn't even say "is that better" like he was expecting a thank you or calling attention to his chivalry. He just did it, and seemed pleased enough that in doing so the conversation continued to flow. He held that position, moving slightly in response to any change in my position, until the sun itself had moved to a less problematic spot. (How can I not swoon?)

We got up to refresh our drinks, and he stayed with me... not like a leech, he wasn't glued to my side.. but near me. We continue talking once we've gotten new drinks, and as we're finishing our drinks, Pierce mentions that he needs to go. I agree that its probably time to go, though in all honesty I wasn't ready to part. I had no idea what time it was, but I was pretty sure by the fact that we were the last people there that it was in fact time to go home.

"You want to walk out together?" Pierce asks.

I barely catch it and I think that's what he said.

"Yeah, that'd be great." I reply.

We coordinate our exit, and walk out together. As we approach every juncture where we could have parted ways, he says "I need to go (insert direction).." with a silent hestitation implying "which direction are you?" while almost guiding me seamlessly along as we walked together.

We went part of the way to our cars together, alas there was a fork in the road where we parted ways. We hugged quickly. Said we'd had a good time.

"Until next time" he said... or maybe it was "I'll see you around, at the next thing" ? I don't recall.

All I know is that there is something there. It might be as simple as friendship, or it might be something more. We'll see.

Nearly Perfect

2010-06-26T22:21:00.000-05:00

I just got back from a lovely day. I wasn't sure it was going to be a lovely day when it started, but luckily God laughs at my plans.

I woke this morning after a long struggle to get some kind of sleep so I could go out with some friends today. I managed to get a whole 4 hours, and upon waking drank about a liter of Passover Coke for the caffiene to actually move.

Sometime after that, things started to look up. I had some energy, and put it to good use cleaning my kitchen while making a quick lunch, then showering, and combing my closet for outfits that were "sexy" without actually looking like I tried to be sexy. I was going to a bar to watch sports with friends. Actually dressing sexy would be overdoing it, but I figured if any of them invited someone single and hot, I should at least look good.

In the end, I looked meh. Oh well. At least I was having a decent hair day.

So I get there. And.. there's a possibly single adonis there. I didn't ask him if he was single.. I'm merely making assumptions on the lack of ring.

The guy was hot. Not the type I normally go for.. but I'll make exceptions. His hair was a sandy-red-blonde, and he had the air of a real manly man. You could clearly tell that he had no trouble growing a full beard if he wanted, though he was clean shaven. His body was athletically built, like a soccer player. He wore a simple t-shirt and cargo shorts, and his outfit plus persona made me think of Matthew McConaughey. He seemed like a good guy, and even made decent conversation.

But what really caught my eye, and had me ... erm.. staring at him like he was a dish of ice cream.. were two things.

First, he had a fantastic way of smiling. It was like he'd reinvented it. His entire face smiled. Lips. Eyes. Cheeks. I think even his forehead smiled. It was impossible to see him smile without wishing you could be that happy. I partly watched just to see him do it again.

But mostly I watched his eyes. His eyes shone. Glimmered really. They weren't a remarkable color. Simple hazel-green, but they looked fantastic on him. They were mesmerizing.

Honestly, thinking back on it now.. there wasn't much that was obviously remarkable about him. His hair was ordinary colored. His skin was ordinary "irish" white boy (the white with some freckles). His eyes were ordinary colored. He was ordinarily fit. He was ordinarily dressed.

But I promise you... the whole effect of him was nothing short of smoking hot. (I say this as a girl who normally hates white boys with freckles.)

Mmmm eye candy in person while watching eye candy run about a field on TV. The day got super better instantly.

Then I ordered a beer. They had a beer I've never tried before.. Widmer? On tap. In an icy cold mug the size of my head. For.. $7. And it was good beer (not Bud Light or Coors Light or normal american mainstream piss water - sorry if anyone is offended, have I mentioned I'm a beer snob?) So anyway my day got awesome quickly.

Then since I was right near my favorite shopping strip, I went shopping. I came out with a shirt and skirt that I thought was going to put me back $60, however when it was rang up it came out as $25. ROCK ON!

So super awesome day.. I drive home, because I'm supposed to actually be working on a business plan today for a client meeting in two days. I've done nothing with the business plan, and on my way home realize that tomorrow is nearly booked solid. So I start to panic that I'm not going to get it done.

I get home. Check my email. My client emails me "Can we postpone our meeting until later in the week? I got called out of town this weekend."

Seriously.. it couldn't have gone any better.

(ok.. it could have.. Mr HotBod could have asked for my number or asked me out this evening for a sexy romp.. Cuz I need one. I do... but other than that.. Perfect.)

The Dreams That Disappoint

2010-06-26T00:28:00.002-05:00

The Setup.. It's our first date, some months in the future after we've managed to run into each other several times at several different events, he finally asks me out. We decide to play some mini-golf.

It's around the second to last hole, that conversation becomes strained. Neither of us is talking which is highly unusual.

I am stressing myself out about it. I actually like that I feel relaxed enough around Pierce that I can be quiet, but I'm afraid he'll see me as boring or worse that I'm bored with him. Finally he speaks.

"You're being awfully quiet." He jokes with a big smile on his face.

Its impossible not to catch his smile, and so I grin back at him.

"I'm sorry, I'm a bit preoccupied." I try to hide the slight embarassed blush that I know is creeping along my face.

"Mini-golf isn't that challenging, so what's got your tongue? Is it work?" He's genuinely concerned and wanting to help with whatever is the problem, but also seeing the blush, he's curious.

"No no... work is fine." I say as I hold my putter judging just where to stand and how hard to hit the ball. "I'm just preoccupied with this problem I'm trying to figure out how to solve."

"Oh? Maybe I can help."

I laugh, "I'm sure you can" and shoot him a look with a clear glint in my eye and mischevous smile.

"Well, tell me then." He's now much less concerned, and much much more curious.

"Well, see my mind is completely preoccupied with wanting to kiss you. And not quite sure how to solve it."

He snickers slightly, "Hmm that is a problem. But I am quite sure it is solveable. Though I don't really see much problem in it."

"Well, see for starters, its quite impossible to do with you being over there." I say as I adjust my stance again, pretending to be concentrating on my shot.. but if I'd have been pretending to read a book, the book would have been upside down for all the true attention I was paying to what I was doing.

Pierce then walks over to me, and stands very close in front of me. His left leg on the right side of my putter, his right leg on the left side of my putter, and my hands just barely a half inch away from his crotch as I held my putter.

I looked up at him and met his gaze. Having him so close made my pulse go all haywire. I was excited, scared, and wanting to run.. but immobile.

"There. Does that solve the problem for you then?" He said with a sly grin teasing me as his face was now just inches from mine.

"Well yes that does make it much much more possible. But I didn't really tell you the real problem."

"Oh?" He raised one eyebrow in curiousity.

I look into his eyes to deliver my confession, "See, what I really want is for you to kiss me.." which I barely get out before his hand moves up and lightly brushes my cheek on its way to the back of my neck. His fingers planted themselves at the back of my neck gently pulling me forward, while his thumb pressed just lightly under my jawbone to direct my face up leaving my lips easily accessible.

Then his lips possessed mine in a light caress that deepened to restrained desire.

The kiss stopped as abruptly as it began, and it affected us both equally. There was a brief moment of mutual silence as we regained our proverbial footing.

"So, did that solve the problem?" He teased playfully as he removed his hand from my neck.

"No.. not really" I replied as I let go of my putter and wrapped my arms around his neck pulling him in for another kiss. He wrapped his arms around me, and we kissed the kind of kiss that parents shield their kids from viewing. The kind of kiss that if it was feasible would allow clothes to fly off with a single thought.
This time it was I who ended the kiss abruptly. Moved my hands back to my putter, and said...

"Ok, I'm good now... Hmm you're in a compromising position, you might want to move before I putt"

I pretended to be all about golf, and giggled when he grumbled slightly as he realized our makeout session was over.

But as our eyes met after my shot, one look confirmed.. the only thing between us and being naked.. was golf.

We quickly finished the last hole, and went to his place. We drive separately, and he's waiting outside for me when I drive up. We embrace, kiss, and don't really stop until we're finally inside.

Things start to get fuzzy around this part.. but I remember running my hands down his chest and then sliding his shirt up over his head.. (and there.. hot and bothered.. it ends).

The Dream Genie Sucks

2010-06-25T10:45:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've been AWOL lately. I'm still attempting to do this on my psychotic laptop, as well as start a business, do business plans, and the mirade of other crapola that goes along with it. I'm just hoping like hell that this venture takes off. Crossing fingers.. and maybe toes... if it does like it seems its going to.. I'll be busy buying my dream computer. Right now weighting if that would be an investment or a luxury.

But back to men.. and dating... and me being a little crazy.

I've been having dreams lately. Those sexy dreams.. the ones where you start picturing them naked, and thinking of all the things you want to do with them. Yeah those dreams.

And.. Pierce has been making a regular appearance. Which means I do (damn it) like him... but it also is problematic.

See.. my body/brain knows I like him. There's still that odd hope of "this might be something".. which means until its really something, until I've actually seen him naked or until I've completely ruled him out as a possibility.. My mind refuses to actually undress him or imagine much of anything that isn't readily seen... aka I've pictured his bare chest, because the last time I saw him his tshirt was so "fitted" that there was little left to the imagination.

So while my dreams start off sexy, and you know darn good and well that they're headed to Nakedtown, they never actually make it there.

Last night, I had this fantastic dream (which I might write up later) setting Pierce and I up for a very hot romp.. and then when it came to the hot romp itself.. The dream would die, or start over at the begining.. it did end up going to a sex romp later, but it wasn't with Pierce, just some nameless faceless guy. *sigh*

Even my dreams won't give me satisfaction. This sucks.

Wishfully Wrong

2010-06-22T10:09:00.000-05:00

I may have been wrong.

Maybe.

It's really hard to say because I am so very often right (really I'm not full of myself or anything), so this is completely new to me... its really hard to say.

But ..

He thought of me today.

It wasn't one of those "Hey sweety, I was thinking of you" sort of messages. But he saw something that reminded him of a conversation we had, and sent me a link to update me on it. Aka "Saw this, thought you'd find it interesting [link to article about what we'd talked about]"

Guys.. if you really want to win a girl.. and have a relationship.. shit like that will get you everywhere.

Remembering random things that she's said from previous conversations.. for example this particular thing was from a conversation that happened about a week ago... and giving her more information on that topic or asking her input on a link about that subject..

If she likes you at all.. she's going to swoon. It shows that you do listen to her, but not only that.. you listened to the point that when you saw that topic again, you not only had a passing thought of her, but had a strong enough thought of her to go out of your way to tell her about the topic or inform her on something you thought she might care about based on that conversation.

So.. right now I'm swooning a bit. Ok, I'm swooning a lot.

So.. maybe I was wrong.. maybe he does like me?
Or maybe he just really happened across something, and figured as a friend I needed to know?

I'm just going to go with... he likes me. Because a little delusional hopeful thinking never hurt anyone.. right?

Plus.. I rock. How could he not?

Indulging My Inner Sadist

2010-06-20T00:01:00.000-05:00

There is one day a month where I am quite clearly not normal. On this lovely day, I have a huge undercurrent of angry. I might be able to smile and put on a good show, but more than likely if you hit any of my buttons, I will attempt to take your head off and put it in my pocket as a souvenir.

Every girl has this day.. some have more than one.. some have a week.. some have just a couple hours.. but every girl has this day.

Where the pain only subsides with doses of medication. The hormones run free like the niagra falls. And men suddenly lose their humanity and become beings to enslave and torture.

Or that could just be me.

I have one day a month where I get mentally violent. If I had no will-power, no conscience, no ethics, no religious belief, no rationality, and no fear of being locked away... this one day a month, people would die, people would be tortured and maimed.. it would be carnage.. carnage everywhere!

Ok maybe not everywhere.. I'm generally in enough pain that moving outside of my bedroom for the first few hours takes an act of God. So probably would just be carnage in the bedroom.

Fortunately for us all, I do have powerful doses of empathy, rationality, and conscience. As such I keep murderous and sadistic tendancies to my imagination.

Thus I am mentally violent. This sometimes comes out in my writing as violent wording and sometimes plain threats of violence as well. I also tend to love to say "Bastard" and "Asshole" about everything and anything that may go wrong.

If you're a man in a relationship with me, trust me.. that one day a month is spent picturing myself sadistically torturing your privates so you get to feel like I do once a month. I probably won't tell you that, because it'll scare the crap out of you and make you want to alert the FBI to watch my place for furture murders.

While I say a day.. its generally just 6 hours.

During these 6 hours, I will be bitchy. I will push people away. I will hermit. If you're sweet, you'll want to help me by bringing me things or getting me some pills.. and while I'll secretly love it, I will also grumble and quite likely to tell you to F off.

This is for your own safety. Remember, I am likely picturing myself kicking you in the balls despite the fact that I may love you or care for you deeply. It is because of that that I will want you far far away from me.. so I don't actually kick you in the balls.

(Because when all this is over, I'll still want you to come around... and I'll be happy that I didn't maim you.)

I will also give you a heads up warning.. "Hey honey, its started." You will learn these words are a signal to make yourself scarce. At first, you'll try..but eventually you'll just start running. I won't blame you for that. However, you will share half the blame for anything that occurs if you stay around.

You were warned after all.

So if you want to avoid being maimed and tortured, run away and then send flowers from wherever you are. I'll text you when its safe to return.. I mean if I want you to come back. ;)

Where Did I Put My Time Machine?

2010-06-19T05:10:00.002-05:00

I really don't think I fit in. I must have been born at the wrong time, or have some kind of brain tumor.

All the girls that I meet that are my age. Scare the crap out of me.

If I go about 5 yrs older, I seem to fare better.. but going about 7 yrs younger is about right.. or the closest I've seen.

The girls I meet that are my age are often married and pretty cool. Though their tastes in music, activities, and what they find attractive in men is often completely different from me.

The single gals my age that I'm meeting though.. are complete nightmares. Ok, one or two exceptions, but most of them scare the crap out of me.

I obviously missed the sex-attraction of the Bon Jovi and Guns-n-Roses craze. Tall skinny assed white boys with long scraggly hair is so much the opposite of anything I find attractive, yet most of the girls I'm meeting my age still find this look hot. (To me, Bon Jovi didn't get hot until he cut his hair.. and then I reacted with "OMG he really is a man.")

I suppose I should be happy that their tastes lie outside of my interest range, but it makes it hard to find things in common. As I've mentioned previously, I can't do hair band music on a regular basis, nor can I do long periods of "classic 70's rock"... both after a while (much shorter time span on the 70's rock btw) make me wish I was on something to endure it. And since I don't do drugs.. its not that fun.

But I keep trying. I keep thinking that there has to be at least one other woman my age who likes the stuff I like and isn't way damn crazy.

This really shouldn't be a shock to me. Since I grew up in a small town with anti-social parents, and went to a church regularly which no one in town went to... I was pretty isolated. Other than the close neighbors (one boy my age), every kid I knew or hung out with outside of school was about 4 years older than me or 4 years younger than me (my church had no one within 4 years of my age either direction). I never really did connect much with the kids in my class.

So maybe its just habit of always being thrown in with an older crowd or a much younger crowd? Maybe its just been too many years of being independent and doing my own thing?

I suppose while others were watching men grow their hair out and jamming to their hair band music.. I was watching Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers black and whites on PBS. Or specials with Sammy Davis Jr, Sinatra, and their like.

You put a well groomed, clean shaven, smart short cut haired man into a suit or tux, and you've caught my eye. If he can also dance like Astaire or Gene Kelly, I'm swooning. If he can also croon a good tune, I'm completely smitten and will stalk him for the rest of his life.

Which is probably why I have a pretty good crush on Matthew Morrison (Glee). (He's probably gay though.. if he's not, there's probably a line acround the corner of women trying to catch him and I'm a little too lazy for that. I'll see if I can't find someone like him who is "undiscovered' instead.)

Speaking of "Undiscovered".. one of my favorite albums.. Undiscovered by James Morrison. Luv luv luv. (see... no ADD here at all!)

But back to the point.. Finding women my age who like this kind of music.. is hard. Sadly its just as difficult to find men my age that have similar tastes.. Or maybe its just my luck I'm not finding them?

Or I might just be a transplant from another era... lost in this time..

Crazies Come Out At Night

2010-06-18T06:53:00.002-05:00

Last night was crazy. As usual all my important events all happen to be scheduled at the same exact time.

My Flirting Group.
A huge networking event
A new writers group "sit down and write" meeting (which obviously I need)
The FED - Swing Dancing

Let's not even mention all the friend's happy hour invites, movie invites, and other more extraneous activities. Though I suppose the FED is kinda extraneous, but I kinda absentmindedly insinuated that I'd show up this week.

I needed to go to the top 3 events. I only actually made it to two, and even that was crazy. I went to the flirting group mostly because I wanted to reconnect with the organizer for it. One day he's going to be a multi-millionaire, and I'll probably still need a job. Plus we both kinda love behavioral sciences. If it was legal/possible to stick humans in jars and watch what they did... we'd be doing it... though neither of us is really a scientist. We're just both kinda crazy.. in mostly good ways (depending on who you talk to.)

Anyway, I arrive at the Flirting group and I get to talk to the organizer a bit. He's been trying to reconnect with me (professionally - networking.. the guy is a newly wed), so we got a good chat in while everyone else did the flirting exercises. I thought about staying and flirting myself, but honestly looking at the men present.. I figured I'd have better luck next door at the networking event. (aka out of the 3 guys that showed up, only one of them was .. er.. acceptable appearance-wise, and he seemed about as into me as day old fish.)

However, my organizer friend did mention some kind of millionaires group in town that throws parties. Evidently its 4 men to every women, and he said I'd "clean up" there and that it'd be like shooting fish in a barrel. So I'll be looking out for those. ;) I mean.. millionaires for the taking? Who wouldn't?

Then I headed over to my networking party. I walk in. Anxiety. Its wall to wall people and there's a line to get in. They're doing nametags, AND the people at the nametag table are writing out the name tags for the people. Meaning EVERY SINGLE PERSON is attempting to spell out their name for the person writing the name down. WTF?

This is not how these events normally go.. so when I got to the table and the girl asked my name.. pen ready to write out my name tag.. I kinda went a little nutz (inside, I tried to hide it). I felt like I was 2 and couldn't write my name myself, so this nice lady had to do it for me. If I could have grabbed the damn nametag from her and written it myself I would have. Instead, I asked nicely if I could write it. She balked a bit, but handed me the nametag while telling me that the person next to her needed to also know my name to write it on the sign-in sheet. I had this strange creepy sensation as if I was suddenly not at a networking event but at some kind of military camp with alcohol.

I shook it off, and ran to find people I knew. It wasn't too hard as about every 5 steps I ran into someone I knew from some place or another. Said hi in my awkward.. "I have nothing interesting to say" way, and yet somehow found something to say anyway. Hopefully it was interesting whatever it was I did say, though I fear it was not.

I had a good time though.. flirting with very happily married male friends.. and attempting to find an attractive looking single male. Which for some reason is getting harder and harder at these events, as every good looking man at these events it seems is gay. Seriously. I'm not joking.

Though I did get to see Pierce again. Now, I've mentioned once before that I'd kinda had a thing for him since the first time I met him, and that we flirt.. but I have no idea if he's interested or not. After last night, I'm going to say .. not interested.

He was looking extra fantastic though. It was like suddenly he went from the uber-geeky guy to uber-hot guy. He had on this clingy fitted t-shirt. Normally I just assume geeky guys are rather non-muscular and well.. geeky figures.. No no.. Pierce is f'n ripped. I don't know what kind of canned spinach he's been eating or what kind of toxic spill he slipped into or what.. but DAAAAAAAAAAMMMN he was looking good. I almost forgot how to talk to him as I was busy staring. I'm pretty sure my mouth fell open and dragged on the floor a couple times as well.

It is not fair. Brainy. Fun. Great personality. And f'n hot? Sorry but I'm quite sure that's illegal.

Anyway, towards the end of the night, I found him again (I'd done some mingling and came back) and we chatted for a while. He excused himself to use the facilities, said he'd be right back.. in a way that made it sound like he was reassuring me (soo not a good sign).. only never to return. I did see him come out of the restroom, and look in my direction.. but he didn't come over.

Ah well..

I found myself exhausted by that point anyway.. too much social time and too little food. I'd kinda forgotten to eat all day until right before I had to leave, in which I didn't really have time to eat then. So I headed home to make myself a big assed plate of food.

On my way to my car though, I pass by Katz Diner. Suddenly I hear thudding on the window of the diner and two guys looking at me and waving exstaticly for me to come in. WTF? I went in.. mostly out of curiousity about what drugs these guys were on.. but partly because I vaguely recognized one of the guy's faces. They were both brown skinned and looked Indian.

What is with me attracting Indians?? Please someone tell me?

So I walk in. The host says, "Table for one?" and starts to grab a menu when I interupt him.

"No no.. I believe I was summoned by some strange guys that I don't know. I'm sure I'll be right back." And I head into the dining room.

The host looks at me with "Oh thats what they were doing" relief and a bit of a "good luck" smile.

I get to their table, and ask "Do I know you?"

The one whose face I vague recall seeing before looks offended. The other guy is quick to invite me to sit down and introduces himself. For an Indian guy btw, the second guy is hot. He even had longish hair which I normally find revolting but on him it was fantastic.

Evidently, I'd met the first guy at one of the networking parties. Which one? I don't recall. This is how long Indian men stay on my radar.. blip.. gone.

The guys are nice and welcoming. They try to convince me to stay and eat with them. They're uber-sweet.. the creepy too sweet thing that it seems only Indian men can do really well to make you feel comfortable.. and yet those experienced with Indian men know that behind all that niceness is a very persistant "come home and fuck me". Both of them were fresh off the boat Indians, and since I had no intention of going home and fucking either one of them.. I left.

It was a funny picture though... two strange men excitedly pounding a window as I walked by in order to catch my attention.. Flattering.

Unfortunately that never happens with men I actually like.

My Meeting With The Playas

2010-06-14T07:58:00.000-05:00

The other night I went out with Evie and a friend of hers. In all honesty, I went for the possibility of meeting someone, yet with the full expectation of being completely bored out of my mind. A group of 3 girls almost always leaves one as the third wheel, and since Evie's friend and her were childhood friends, I fully expected to be the third wheel.

But I needed to go out, and nothing else that night sounded even remotely entertaining.

We went to a play and then the after-party. It was a small production with a small audience. It was ok. Some of the actors, you could tell were naturally talented and the rest were really trying to be. It was at least entertaining.

Then about 20 minutes from the end, I see Evie's ex? I guess thats who he is. I can't remember if they'd had sex or exactly what... But I do know that she's at least seen his penis, and helped him get off. They're "friends" now, but with Evie that could be FwB or just platonic friends. Its really hard to say.

Evie can't go a night without a guy. During the show, she'd texted him to meet her there. So when I saw him come in.. I knew what had happened and I rolled my eyes.

It doesn't help that I just cannot stand the guy. I avoid him like he's got cooties. He comes off as needy and desperate. And I've got the feeling that any woman will do for him as long as she's mildly attractive (not hideous), and not illegal. (I guess I should be thankful he has some standards huh?)

Plus.. from Evie, I know WAY more that I ever wanted to about his sexual interests and erm.. proclivities. If I wasn't interested by the fact that he looks like a doofus, or by the fact that he acts like he's only out for getting laid and desperately at that, then his sexual preferences alone would have sealed the deal for me that I wasn't going to touch him with a 10 foot pole.

After the show was over, and while we waited for the after-party to start, I found out that Trey had brought two friends with him.

Techincally he brought one friend, who brought his friend.. but thats just me nitpicking.

So we're standing around, and these two guys join our group. I of course wonder who they are, and Evie introduces them.

I honestly don't remember their names. So I'm gunna make up some names.

The first one was chatty, but from the moment he opened his mouth, my lady parts shuddered and recoiled. Jessie's voice was a little .. umm.. too high and he talked with just a slight lisp. Had he not talked about screwing women, I would have sworn he was gay. He was around my height, but with delicate bone structure. His wrists were even dainty. The thought of him having sex with a woman quite frankly made me giggle... a lot.

He talked as if he was Mr. MacDaddy which wasn't helping the situation any. Maybe he does get all the girls. Who knows.. I just find it immensely unbelievable. To be honest, I found the idea of him and Trey being secret lovers much much more believable.

The third guy, Bill, was shy and completely did not fit with the other two. He was new to town, so I excused his judgement in friends. He had long hair and was Native American. He actually was kind of sweet, but way too young. That didn't keep him from attempting to hit on me though. So cute, in an adorable little boy way (I know.. just the way guys hope to be seen right?), but about an hour or so later he admitted his age and he was barely legal. WAY too young for me, and thus I was right in thinking of him as a little boy.

So none of them were at all.. in any way.. potential interests of mine. This actually made the night more fun, because they ALL thought that I'd be happy to have them.

Dear Men... I am not that desperate.. and will never be that desperate.. Sorry.

So the party got started, and people started going back inside. It was hot inside. Like sauna hot. I went in to be social for a bit, but found my way outside rather quickly. The last thing I needed was to be miserable on top of this potential boredom.

A few minutes later, one guy after the other came outside as well. Soon it was myself and the three guys.

We began to talk. Jessie kept giving the youngin' Bill some MacDaddy advice, which I would then critique and tell him how to do it better. Then Jessie saw that as a sign to out do himself. It became this challenge to show me how much of a MacDaddy he was. I couldn't have secretly laughed at him more. At one point he said:

"I shouldn't tell you because you'll hate me."

To which I replied, "If I don't hate you by now, I'm pretty sure there's nothing you can come up with."

He stammered and still pretended to be all gentlemanly in refusing to divulge his scoundrel secrets in my presence.

"Ok.. by hate you.. what did you mean by that?"

Jessie turned red, and so I continued...

"If you mean by hate you, that I would no longer want to have sex with you.. let me put your mind at ease.. that ship sailed within the first minutes of meeting you. So just say what you were going to say."

He looked at me agast, and then did his best to recover. He tried to ask what it was that turned me off, but I simply brushed him off with a "Eh, you're not my type." (Rather than telling him that he reminded me of some gay friends from college.) He retorted with a "Oh well at least we're on the same page." which made me laugh.

Yes yes... I can be a bitch, but I honestly cared not at all what this guy or his friends thought of me.

So he continues about his rules for "dating" which were quite frankly steps to have a one night stand. He did pretty much every cliche' without actually mentioning roofies, though he did mention that getting a girl completely plowed so she'd not remember how to get back to his place later. I know.. a charmer. I of course added rules for him, and instead told him that he should just go to her place. No one can say I'm not helpful. :)

If I'm not interested in dating you, and I'm pretty sure you're harmless (or at least that even the smallest woman could kick your ass), I'm more than willing to share my knowledge to help you get laid.. by someone else. :) Its just how I roll.

Bill however was really enjoying the conversation and cursing that he had no way to take notes. The poor guy. In reality all Bill would have to do to get laid is to hang out with these two morons he was with, then go appologize to the girls later and state that he was new to town. He was sweet, honest, and not bad looking.. and following the wake of the other two guys, he'd look like the catch of the day.
Trey however was not liking the conversation. He instead was trying desperately to convince me that his playboy past was over (like I really believed he had a playboy past), and he was now looking for a real relationship. He was not grasping the idea that I could have cared less about what he was looking for.. I was not interested.. yet he continually tried to impress me with his "seeking a relationship" self.

When we began to discuss ages.. Trey started it by saying he was 40 (he looks maybe 34) and how 30 was the new 20 for him. The others also stated their ages, and then came my turn, which I declined. They were 19, 31, and 40.. and I just let them believe whatever age they thought I was. Generally I'm assumed to be in my late 20's or early 30's, so I figure they thought I was.

Then Trey began commenting on the music that was wafting outside from the party.

"I used to skate to this back in '78"

Which we all would tease him about making himself sound ancient. Heck I'm not much younger than him, and even I thought he sounded old the things he was saying.

It was one "I'm old" statement after anouther which kept me entertained by teasing him about how old he was making himself sound and "Thats the way to win the Ladies, man." sarcasm. I honestly don't think he understood just exactly how off-putting his "remember when" was, or would be to younger women.. when their parents would be the ones saying those "remember whens".

We were outside talking for a couple hours before the other two girls came out, and we all parted ways.

All in all it was a good night.. Lots of fun (for me anyway.)

The Good Fight

2010-06-09T17:30:00.000-05:00

There is nothing like a good fight. Ok... arguement.. discussion.. whatever you want to call it when two people disagree, voice it, and come to a resolution.. hopefully without killing each other or causing undue bodily or emotional/mental harm.

I like a good arguement. Not all the time. Not every day. But when the time it is right, the subject is right, then yes.. a good arguement.

I've always known the importance of disagreement. Partly from my parents who when I was a child disagreed often and probably more so than was healthy. But they worked it out, and this is eventually what I took away from it.

Then came the ex.. He disagreed on nothing. A few times he'd disagree, and I'd start to get into my arguing mode producing my evidence for my stance, and he'd back down. I assumed (wrongly) that because he did so.. that the subject was not important or that I'd turned him to agree with me.

What I didn't know.. and didn't understand.. is that while I understood good arguements and resolution.. He didn't.

While I love his father.. it wasn't until way late in the marriage when I realized that it was his father who taught him this. His father taught him to back down to any confrontation from a woman. If she said it.. she got her way. Period. (Partly this is because his mother is a lunatic..)

So I was left most of the marriage trying to get out of my ex what it was that he wanted. I tried coaxing it out of him. I tried giving him options of compromises that I'd agree to.. to which he merely let me do whatever it was I wanted.. all the while myself knowing that he had an opinion he just didn't want to share it.

He refused to tell me things that might possibly in some way of any kind.. upset me. Sometimes these were minor things.. he'd broken a glass.. and sometimes these were major things.. the company was downsizing or there was something wrong with his health.

To most people.. he'd be considered a nice guy.. to me, he was a doormat. Passive-aggressive. His way of dealing (by not dealing) caused me more stress than anything. I worried. I fretted. I nearly drove myself crazy trying to get answers out of him.

Then I gave up. Really. He said it was ok to get whatever curtains I wanted. I would. I stopped consulting him on things. I did whatever I wanted. He did whatever he wanted. We had our routine and stuck to that. I pretended not to care.. until I really didn't anymore.

Probably needless to say that we drifted apart. The thing is.. the relationship probably could have been salvaged.. if only we'd had that fight. We had the anger anyway. We had the resentment. We just never had the resolution.

Since then, I've noticed how that has changed me. Downside: I don't press people for anything anymore (which often means I don't ask anyone any questions and it can look like I don't care). Upside: If someone doesn't answer me, or doesn't want to talk to me.. I move on without care to someone who does.

But I also find myself really liking a good argument (not a forced argument.. don't be silly and try to make a fight) where both viewpoints are expressed.. I find myself respecting the other person a whole ton.. and sometimes finding them sexy where before I did not.

Its not about arguing for arguement's sake.. its about the freedom to express yourself and your partner feeling free to express themselves.. its not about the conflict.. its about your ability to have it and still come to a resolution.

Its not the fight.. its the making up. Its about honesty. Its about trust. Its about making sure you’re both on the same path… Together.

The Lure Of Good Music

2010-06-08T13:45:00.001-05:00

The other night I decided it would be a good night to go out and Getty had a band that she wanted to go see.

She told me the band was a blues band and that they were good. I like the blues. I like jazz. I like some big band, some country, some rock, some hip hop, some of just about everything. I'm kinda picky in what I like, but I'm not a genre-snob per se.. I just like specific things within those genres.

So when she said blues... I scanned my brain of all the varieties of blues it could be. Knowing her, I knew it wouldn't be country blues. She's a rock girl. But I thought it might be some kind of really good blues music. Getty talks often about how she knows music.

So we go. She comes to pick me up so we can carpool. On the drive down there, she's bitching about this that and the other thing. Mentally, I'm hoping like hell the band is worth it.

The band is downtown. It's 9pm. There isn't even a small hope of finding free parking at that time of night.. yet Getty goes on a tirade about what a rip-off these paid parking lot things are. I don't even waste my time trying to explain it to her, as I know her and anything I say will only prolong the tirade.

We drive around for what seems like ages since she wants to find a free parking space. (Financially there's no reason for this btw, and we waste half the price of parking in gas)

I finally start to lose my temper. She's never seen me lose my temper. Most people haven't. So I start raising my voice telling her to just park already.

"Ok fine, where do you want me to park?" She's huffy and frustrated.. still venting about the scam that paid parking is.

"I already told you. The small lot across the street."

My words might have been mild.. but when I get pissed.. I talk slow. I enunciate. I clip my words. That I was at the breaking point.. was made quite clear.

We finally park, and she gives the guy a hard time.. basically telling him that he has an easy job and is robbing people blind... without actually saying that.

I want to crawl into a hole. Then she has no cash to pay the guy. So I pull out some cash and pay the guy.

We get to the bar, and there's a cover. Something she failed to mention.. and I failed to ask her about ahead of time. Its just $5, so not a big loss even if the band sucks. But again, she has no cash, so I give the guy the rest of mine and pay for us both.

She agrees to buy me liquor to pay me back. Which she does.. Thank God.

I would not have made it the rest of the night without some kind of alcohol.

The band gets up to play. Two bald guys and a guy who is making up for them by having hair reminiscent of the Hair Band days. (I really dislike long hair on most men in case anyone wants to know.)

Then they start playing. Its not bad music. I'm not wanting to put in ear plugs or anything, but its not blues.

I tell Getty..

"This is not blues."

"Well thats what the guy brands himself as.. It has its roots in blues."

"It might have roots in blues.. hell everything has roots in blues.. but this is not the blues."

She is unphased and turns back to the band. She believes they are awesome. I am bored out of my mind.

Its this kind of band that I avoid. Their music was.. can you guess?.. a blend of Hair Band sound.. with 70's rock.

Lots of guitar.. lots of guitar solos that lasted way too long unless you were on something.. lots of just boring. While I get that people like to show how talented they are at an instrument, if you're not doing it for a reason other than that.. ie evoke some kind of emotion.. its all just boring show. If you are trying to evoke some emotion.. and fail.. its also equally boring.

The lyrics weren't even blues. The songs were happy happy songs. There was no pining for a lost love or even mourning a dead loved one... it was all just happy songs.. with no Heartbreak Hotel.

I couldn't have been more bored and decieved had she told me we were going to see a great new band.. and taken me to LC Rocks (a cover band for old Hair Band tunes, complete with outfits and the hair).

This is one of the reasons that I avoid any one (potential male dates) who says they are a huge music buff or really love music. The chances of us liking the same music is close to ZERO, and if they're really a music addict.. we're going to fight about them playing their horrid choice in music all the time.

In HS, I liked some of the popular music of the day... I kinda had to in order to be even remotely social with people my age.. But left to my own devices, instead of Hair Bands.. I was swooning over Harry Connick Jr. I studied Bette Midler (I was a singer back then, and worked to mimic her voice).

Even now, I find myself more drawn tword music with great singers, great lyrics, and things that are fun to sing to..

I grew up with music. From the time I could speak, I was singing on stage (in church) with my sisters. When the quartet broke up, I sang solos. We all learned the piano, plus one other instrument of our choice(ish). My father would play the accordion at home sometimes and we'd all sing along. For holidays, or sometimes at my father's request, one of my sisters would play the piano while we sang along. (While I learned instruments, I really can't play any very well.)

So in many ways, music is important to me. But most likely... not the music that others like... Let alone a musician who thinks he's great... only to find out that to my ears its like cats fighting. I'm honest if I think you suck (I do not hide it well), and many "artists" can't deal with that... nor should they really.

It honestly has been rare for me to find a guy who likes the music I do.. let alone plays an instrument in that kind of music. It has happened.. very rare.. and it was very sad to loose that compatibility when we broke up.

I'm sure to some.. my choice in music is horrific as well. I just inevitably keep meeting people who have never managed to get over and move on from the music they heard in HS... once in a while that nostalgia is fun.. but its 2010 now.. surely there is something someone has managed to do better or at the very least just as good.

I like to grow, learn, and widen my horizons... for me that also includes my tastes in music... well to a point anyway. :)

(for more on my tastes in music.. though not all inclusive.. but stuff that gets stuck in my head.. follow me on Blip.fm)

Going Back In Time

2010-06-07T21:21:00.000-05:00

This weekend has been full of nostalgic activities.. its actually been a couple weeks now of nostalgia if you count my trip back to the "homeland".

I relaxed and read a book. I had to think hard to recall the last book I read. I was going to say that it was years ago.. but then I remembered I read the Twilight series.. which was my last fun reading before now. Last fall I vaguely recall torturing myself with Frankenstien (Mary Shelley) because I felt obligated to host a book club meeting for a friend.

As a child, I used to read all the time. It was the one thing I could do on my own (I was allowed to go to the library by myself - small town) as often as I wanted, without getting yelled at by my mother. I remember reading the entire series of the Hardy Boys in one summer. This in the days before reading programs. I'd have rocked a summer reading program. Even up until HS, I always had a book I was reading.

I like reading books in one sitting. I am not so happy (understatement) about having to put up a book to do something else before I'm finished reading it. I've also been known not to answer phone calls or text messages when I'm in the middle of a book. Funny enough my best friend is the same way, though she'll answer you she'll just be massively rude until you hang up and let her back at her book.

I read "Odd Thomas" which has been sitting on my To-Do Reading List for so long that I had to dust it off to read it. It was a good read, but most of all... it was just good to finish a book. I love that feeling. Finishing a Book.

Once the book was finished.. I debating what else to do. There's nothing currently on TV and I'm way too broke to actually do anything.

Anyway, one thing lead to another.. I blame Holly actually, since she'd mentioned it the night previous to me starting again..

I logged into my MUD.

For those of you unaware of any kind of internet prior to 1998 or so.. Way back when, there used to be a method of internet use that wasn't web based. People used to connect directly to other peoples computers or host computers to get their information, chat, meet others.. they used a now little known method called Telnet. Through Telnet, which is entirely 100% text and text graphics, there were "worlds" you could visit if you only knew where to go. Some were games. Some were completely social. Some were raunchy. Some were pristine. If you searched long enough, you could find one that fit you.

MUDs were just one of the Telnet activities and the one that I adhered to most. MUDs are games. Comparibly a text-based ancient version of World of Warcraft. Some MUDs you got to choose what kind of being you were.. elves, gremlins, warlocks, vampires, fairy, ewok, humanoid.. basically for any kind of creature/theme you wanted to play there was a game for it. Some were games that would allow you to kill other players and fight each other to gain levels, others were more peaceful games that encouraged people to join together to kill "monsters".

In the good MUDs.. the ones that still to this day are running.. they built community. Not only would people play together online, but they'd play together long enough that they'd become friends and want to meet outside the game.

This was what brought me in and got me addicted to my MUD. Community. In all honesty, what started me on this mud was a very very nice English guy who took me under his wing my first day and aquired for me all the tools I'd need to get started. He was strong and sexy, and I came back to that MUD for months just looking to find him again. I never did.

But while I was waiting in vain for him to show up, I met others in the game. I began to play and get to know this whole new world of people outside my prison of Nebraska. Months passed. Years passed.

From 1992.. til around 2000.. anyone who got even remotely close to me.. I tried to corrupt them by getting them also into the game. I managed to corrupt a few. :)

The game was its own society. It still is. My "fraternity" or "sorority" so to speak. Other than just playing a silly game, we all would meet together. Spend weekends out "camping" (our word for a tent, food, booze, and possibly sex). (I actually lost my virginity to someone I met on this game, and was my first experience with online dating)

This community has massive amounts of smart people.. a few idiots.. a few crazies.. a few mean people.. a few super nice people.. but there is one thing we have in common.. We have each other's backs against the outside world.

Like family, I can make fun of them all I damn well want to.. we can call each other names, hurt each other, help each other.. fight... make up.. whatever.. But if the outside world harms one of us, we're all pretty much out for blood. Crazy or not.. friendly or not.. We protect our own.

Actually right now on my MUD, half of them are helping one of them fix their computer problem, while also giving advice on new products and what pitfalls to avoid.

It was something I'd forgotten in the last few years. My ex did not like the game or any of the people in the community really. So when I married him, I found myself drifting from it.

But I logged back in this weekend. Old faces (aka familiar text on a screen) were around and people just laughing and having fun. We'd chat about our days (kinda like people do on Twitter) and complain about mutual woes (why'd they change this in the game... why won't they change that). I'd reconnected with a few old friends and it felt like I'd never left. Well.. with the exception that they're now superhuman levels and I'm still where I was.. but honestly that wasn't that unusual back then either.

So I'm back to being addicted to this game.. but its more than a game.. its my facebook before Facebook.. my twitter before Twitter.. its another world, where my family lives together... despite all of us being thousands of miles apart.

My Silly Little Girl Love

2010-06-05T16:32:00.000-05:00

I'm in love. Swooning Love. I've been here for a while.

It's not real love. Ok, it might be a start at real love.. you know.. "The first time I saw him, I knew...." blah blah blah.. But basically this is mostly of my own imagination.

To be honest, the first time I saw him reading me.. I swooned. I mean really.. what is a guy like that doing reading a girl like me?

But its not all romantic dreamy.. He has his flaws. Flaws that only make him more human and lovable. His flaws are like scar wounds. Things that show where he's been and how he's pulled through. Things that show he knows that balance between work and play, reponsibility and irresponsibility, love and.. war.

There is nothing I've learned of him so far that hasn't endeared me to him.

I mostly admire him from afar. I read him. I've looked at his pictures. I've heard his voice.

I see his IP showing that he's read me, and I smile. It brightens my day. He comments on something I posted, and my heart does a little flitter.

But when I think about possibly meeting him.. and all the things that a real relationship entails, I start to panic at all the things that threaten to shatter this happy silly girl love.

He's a dream of a reality that I'm not ready to experience. So I've not pushed things or tried to make things more than the ethereal dream they are right now. I'm not ready for this dream to end, or for reality to come crashing in.

Its my silly little girl fantasy. My hope in a box.

For now its enough, this little love from afar, flirting play we're in. Maybe someday, I'll be brave enough for more.

The Comforts Of A Home

2010-06-03T12:45:00.000-05:00

As much as I complain, whine, and pretty much always try to get out of going home (to my parents), there is always something comforting about being there.

Yes of course there's the judgement of family. The making fun of me because I'm the youngest and they can. The not listening to me. The.. well... the overwelming feeling of being an outcast in my own family is still present. (If I didn't undeniably look like the rest of my family, I would swear I was adopted or the milkman's daughter)

Beyond all that.. its comforting to be there.

My parents still live in the same house that I grew up in. I lived all my days from birth until I went off to college in that town, and from roughly age 4 until college in that exact house. There are many memories there.

There's the piano that we all learned to play on. Its an old upright circa early 1900's with remarkably good sound still. It was one of the few things to survive the fire we had when I was just a toddler. It still sits where it always has.

Other furniture has come and gone. Decor has come and gone. But the piano, the dining table, and the antique buffet have remained unmoved and untouched.

When I visit, I still sleep in one of the two bedrooms that used to be mine as a child. One I lived in until HS, sharing it with my sister. We slept on twin beds that would bunk if needed. Mostly we had them separated, as .. well.. its easy to annoy someone sleeping in bunked beds.. sometimes because you mean to.. and sometimes unintentionally. :)

The other bedroom is now the fancy guest room, but used to be my room when I was in HS. By the time I reached HS, all my siblings were off in college so I had the room to myself. It still contains my old dresser and the closets still house some of my old HS awards, honors, diploma, and various useless crap I never threw away.

Yet... that stuff is not the comforting things I felt this last visit. I'm sure they all played their part.

What got me this last visit was the fullness of the house. Everyone was home. The house was busting at its seems to hold us all.

I thought I'd need my space. That I'd need time out. That it would be too crowded and I'd have to go out and get some air.

But I didn't. I'm sure had I stayed much longer that I'd have needed some "Me Time", but I didn't for the short (4 day) visit.

Instead I enjoyed having people around. Waking in the morning, not to my alarm clock, but to the sounds of voices laughing and discussing things over breakfast. Going to bed and having someone to say "Good night" to. I actually even slightly enjoyed coordinating with others on when to take a shower.

It was so strange and yet wonderful. So as much as I bitch, I really do miss family... and I really would like one of my own.

How Far I've Come

2010-06-02T18:18:00.000-05:00

Well.. I'm back, kinda. I came back and took a day to rest. The nearly 30 hours of driving takes a toll on me and I really needed the rest.

Then I got up the energy today to go do some "work" also known as writing and job searching, only to find that my main computer is dead. I don't think I've lost any majorly important files, as I've always put all my important stuff on external drives (which I should probably backup huh?) but this also means that all my blogging and writing now has to be done on my laptop... which is about as adept at writing as .. well lets just say that it has issues and likes to randomly delete what I've typed in by having "seizures" based in its little "trackpad" and randomly moves my cursor to various parts of what I'm writing making it extremely difficult for me to write anything of substance or carry any train of thought.

I'm more than willing to take donations for this cause.. though just typing that makes me laugh... as I can't imagine getting donations. But alas, its a choice of going into debt to buy a new computer (I'm really needing a job) or go crazy trying to do everything on this pathetic excuse for a psychotic laptop.

Anyway, until I can get a new machine.. blogging may be spotty.. hopefully not.. but we'll see how technology dictates.

+++++++

So I went home to visit with family and was supposed to attend this little shindig of all the local HS alumni and whatnot. Not many of my actual class was supposed to be there, but a few of my sister's classmates.

Well.. anyway.. I get home and I see my sisters whom I've not seen in a year and half or so. Whoah dawgies.

I was very taken aback by how old they looked. I'm sure that means that I'm looking older as well, but I couldn't believe how badly they looked. Only one of my sisters actually looked healthier than the last time I'd seen her. Since they're my older sisters.. its a little scary to imagine that I might be there myself in a few years. My only consolation at this point is that I look significantly younger than they do, and that I take care of myself much better than they do.

On a good note.. I did feel entirely MUCH younger, slimmer, and taller.. which was a greatly needed ego-boost. I think my siblings and parents must be shrinking, because I felt like I towered over everyone. My sisters who used to be much closer to my height I swear, are now a good 4-5 inches shorter than me.

On a sad note... My father is showing some early signs of lukemia and may not be around very long. We can only hope at this point that its just signs and not actually developing into lukemia.

Then there was the Shindig. I honestly was dreading going. As it is, I have little in common with my family who still lives up in the area, so finding something in common with people from what seems like a million years ago who still live in that area.. seemed impossible.

It was supposed to be a bbq gathering. I'd been to it years ago, and I knew that I shouldn't show up in fancy clothes. Though I did want to look nice, so I put on a casual dress and flipflops. I asked my sisters if they thought it would be too fancy. They said no.

So I go. I park and start walking up to the building, and see people coming in and out. They're dressed in ratty shorts, old t-shirts, and tennis shoes. I suddenly get self-conscious. I overdressed and I know it.

I walk in. I see my 6th grade teacher, whom I didn't like back then. He sees me but no light of recognition hits his face, which was fine with me as I didn't really want to talk to him.

I scan the rest of the crowd. Everyone has on some kind of ratty t-shirt and jeans. Even the old ladies, who back in my childhood would have at least thrown on their nicest blouse, were decked out in random t-shirts. Half the group had ball caps on. I looked for familiar faces and saw none.

Then I saw them looking at me. I knew the look. I recognized it from my days of living there. It was the "who is the hoity toity woman all dressed up putting on airs".

I turned and walked out in my $10 dress, and flipflops. I highly doubt I ever return to one of those things again. I've just outgrown it, and really have absolutely no desire to return.

Covering Some Urban (Dating) Legends

2010-05-27T00:46:00.000-05:00

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder... or as a tshirt I saw the other day "Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder"

Either way, beauty is subjective. So is attraction. So is everything else that comes along with dating.

Who is fat vs thin?

Who is smart vs stupid?

Who is funny?

Who knows how to party?

All of these are subjective, especially when it comes to dating.

Women want a nicely sculpted man.

If you ask nearly any woman, a man with chiseled features, an inshape body, 6 pack of abs... is pretty darn sexy.

However, if you look at the guys that women build relationships with.. most of those aren't the guys that spend all their time at the gym. Actually, some of them probably don't even see a gym on their way to get beer.

Because as superficial as we women can be.. when it comes to picking a mate.. we're more about the inside than we are about the outside.

That doesn't mean that a well sculpted male body won't turn our heads.. it just doesn't activate our hearts.

Just as being funny doesn't mean we'll want to be around you more than once, or that you can programme our computer means we'll want you to stick around. Even the life of the party has its flaws that will get us to boot you out.

If you can manage to have a well defined (not super human) body, and still be well-rounded, mentally stable, fun, intelligent, patient, and understanding.. You'll be the catch of the day. But in the real world, no one body type is going to catch every woman.

For each person there is a different criteria, and different priorities. There are too many variables.

Women Want A Nice Guy

Uh.. define nice. I tackled this a few months ago, as I don't really believe in the "nice guy". Its honestly one of the things that guys describe themselves as and I tune out. I've gotten much more hurt (or just found them to be insane) by a self-proclaimed "nice guy" than I have by anyone else.

Most guys who claim to be nice.. in essence are ball-less bastards who make dating more confusing, more deceptive, and less "stable" than their brazenly evil counterparts.

Women want a man who is nice to them. This means he doesn't keep things from her. He doesn't just let her run all over him. He is an entity of himself where she fits well with him. He is loyal, trusthworthy, honest, loving, and someone she can lean on... and honestly someone she can fight with without fear of bodily harm, and some hope of being heard.

Women Crave Stability

I'd say yes, yes, yes we do. However, we don't like to be bored to death. While dating the proverbial accountant with decent $$ sounds promising, and there is a time in every woman's life where they consider snagging some boring rich bastard just for the security and stability.. There always comes a point where too much is enough.

We like waking up and knowing who is beside us. We like knowing that that person will choose to be with us day after day after day. We like having a life where we're not constantly wondering what terror tomorrow will bring.

However, we also like to grow, learn, experience. So we like trying new things, or going new places, or throwing caution to the wind now and then. We like a little bit of a challenge to keep us moving forward.

But we also only really feel confident to throw caution to the wind once we have a minimal level of stability under us. For every person this is different. Some people feel great throwing caution to the wind with just a little bit... others need much much more.

More to the story..

And with every bit of evidence of proving or disproving Urban Dating Legends.. theres also more things to consider that can change anyone from a "YES" to a "Oh God No"..

Unmarried vs Divorced (Past History)

Republican vs Democrat (Politics)

Kids vs No Kids (Thoughts on Children)

Parenting Styles (Methods of Raising Children)

Vegan vs Meat Eater (Food)

Animal Lovers vs I hate your pets (Pets)

Age

Race

Cultural Conflicts

The list goes on. So even if you do everything RIGHT... that particular relationship can be all sorts of WRONG for you. They may just realize this first, and may make it look like.. an Urban Legend.. when in reality they just can't handle watching you eat peas.

OMG Your Baby Is Ugly!

2010-05-26T13:55:00.000-05:00

I am having a very superficial day today. I shouldn't be because well.. I woke up today, threw on some clothes, ran errands, and look like crap. (I'm leaving for about a week and trying to get the finishing touches on packing) So I don't personally have a leg to stand on.. or at least not much of one.

I was looking through a "friend's" pictures. Mostly because I saw her profile picture of her child, and a status reference that her child was a girl.. and thought..

"OMG thats a girl? Oh dear lord poor thing."

So I went looking for more pictures to clarify that it was a girl. It wasn't. Instead she was talking about one of her other children. Phew..

But I also got a whole different shock.

The picture on her profile of her child.. Is shockingly ugly. I thought it was a "fun house" picture and that the child really did not look like that.

No no.. the child really looks like this.. all the time.. in every picture. There has to be something wrong with it, but I don't know what.

Seriously that baby is ugly. Whoah dawgies ugly.

Then I got to thinking about being a single mother with a child like that.

The girl herself is hot. I dare say she's always been hotter than me. She has long glorious hair that I'd kill for, and small girlie bone structure. Her skin is perfect and never needs makeup, and she pictures fantastic. (Unless its done really well, I tend to photograph like a warthog.) Her personality as well is much better than mine.

She fortunately has a very loving husband, father of the child, so this is kinda moot for her...

But to be honest.. if I was just meeting a guy, and he had a child who looked like that.. I'd just start running. (I can hope all I want that I wouldn't run, but I tell you every time I see this girl's pic of her child, I avert my eyes.)

So what would you do... If you were dating someone and their child was .. unsightly..

Weight Wait!

2010-05-25T14:04:00.000-05:00

For women there is no bigger issue out there.. nothing quite so sensitive.. nothing... well.. quite so able to get our hackles up or make us smile than our weight.

Just try it.. For those of you brave enough.. Try telling a woman.. any woman.. that she looks like she put on weight. There is no good way to phrase it. You mention this, and if you survive the incident, trust me you'll be on her "shit list" for the rest of the day.. if not the rest of your life.

The only exception to this might be a woman who is actually pregnant.. but even then.. your chances of a pleasant outcome are miniscule at best.

However, if you really want to make a woman's day.. Tell her she looks a little thinner (genuinely, if the last time you saw her was a size 2 and now she's a size 20, telling her she's thinner might get you a beat down) will always bring a spring to her step.

Men aren't immune to this either.. but for them its usually less severe and does depend on what you say. You tell a man he's fat, it'll hurt. You make it sound like he's bulked up.. its a whole different story. You tell a man he's thinner, its a 50-50 shot as some men are trying to bulk up and will get pissed, others might actually be trying to lose weight and be happy. You tell a man he's looking like he's been working out (even if he never does), or that you like his muscles.. you're golden.

But I digress..

Yesterday I joined @SingleTiffany in a poll based on weight. Most men got it close to right.. aka avoided the topic completely because they knew when they were "outmatched" by the question... a few men got it right.. and some men got it really wrong.

Its been my experience that men do not understand scales and women. They understand thin and fat. They understand big and small. They grasp well the concepts of what is attractive to them and what is not.

They do not understand the visual reprensentation of 120 pounds vs 160 pounds unless its of the same quantifiable thing... such as 120 pounds of apples vs 160 pounds of apples. However, a 120 pound woman can look roughly the same proportions as a 160 pound woman.. or not. You put two 160 pound women side by side.. one might have a pot belly and the other might be toned and bikini perfect.

If it wasn't well publicized no man would know Marilyn Monroe was a size 16 vs whatever popular size 2 model pinup we have today. Let alone their actual weights.

Sure sure if you line up girls next to each other, a guy is going to be able to tell you which girl is bigger. Their eyes do work after all. But unless their a professional scale judge, they're not going to be able to tell you their weight.

This doesn't mean that guys don't have ideas about scale weights. They do. Some guys insist that a girl must weight under 150lbs, but often they don't understand what that weight means. I know this because I've dated them. The men who believe in random numbers.

In my beginning years of college is when I ran into most of these Random Weight Number dudes, and since have found all men to fall prey to this in varying degrees.

At the time, I was a very fit, muscular, flat stomached, ample breasted girl. 5'7 and 180 lbs. In person, I had to peel the men off me.. almost literally. I was stalked. I was clung to..

It was insane.

Yet, when these guys asked my weight, I would tell them.. well after the appropriate "No no.. a girl never says her weight".. and they'd all suddenly look at me different after my confession and back away. Most never really talked to me again as if I'd lied to them the entire time of our "courtship" so to speak.

I nearly got arrested once as well due to my weight. Because I'm semi-vain, I never put my real weight on my drivers license. Instead I always subtracted about 20 lbs, as thats what most people guessed that I weighted.

I had gained a few pounds during college, so when I renewed my drivers license I put an increased yet false weight on it. But closer to my actual weight than I usually did before.. 190.

Then I lost a little weight and was actually at or something close to 190.

I was driving through a badly marked school zone going way too fast, like anyone does who doesn't know its a school zone. Red lights flash, and I get pulled over.

He of course asks for my DL and insurance, and I present it. He then looks at my DL then at me... back at the DL.. then back at me.

"Miss... is this you?" Acting like he's about to make me step out of the car. Hand on gun.

"Yes.." I say looking alarmed and puzzled.

"It could be you.. maybe.. but.. have you lost weight?" His hand is still on his gun, and he's still examining my DL.

"Yeah a little."

"You mean a lot." His tone was anything but friendly.

"Wha... Why? Is there a problem?"

He then makes me verify for him everything on my DL. He examines my insurance card to make sure the address matches my DL.

"You need to go get a new DL. I'm writing you a warning. Get it changed. There is no way you're 190 pounds."

He then proceeds to give me a lecture on how important DL descriptions are to prove identity. Which honestly made me laugh because he wanted me to lie on my DL that I was significantly thinner than I am.

As such, I'm never telling anyone I'm sexually interested in my actual weight. Ever Again.

I did tell my ex my weight once.. (we'd bought a new scale and were trying it out) He pretended to be unaffected, but managed to ask me for several months.. if I really needed that slice of pizza or shouldn't we just skip that cake.. and started talking about "wouldn't it be fun to go to the gym".

Never again.

My Love-Hate Affair With Twitter And Facebook

2010-05-24T17:04:00.001-05:00

I'm supposed to be getting married today.

Ok.. so thats a joke.. or at least I hope to hell it is. If he's actually waiting for me in Vegas right now.. I'm SO SO sorry.. but I'm not showing up.

It was a long twitter flirting session with a nice guy, a longtime Twitter friend. It started as jokingly planning to be parents together, which gave me some ideas of maybe why I scare off people that are already parents.

I threatened to make the kids run to school while I whipped them from behind (in my sports car) to hurry up. (It was to help them get better soccer/running skills, what?)

I refused to get a minivan, and instead opted to throw the kids in the "back" of a Miata. (In all those kidnapping movies, no one ever dies in the trunk.)

While completely insane jokes.. I'm pretty sure only the parents with a good sense humor (or extremely horrid parenting skills) would stick around.

On another note... I am a scared chicken. Maybe a groundhog? Or whatever else that runs and hides in its hole at the slightest signal of fear?

That would be me and social networking (& dating actually) right now.

Last week, I decided to be a little crazy and just added anyone on my Facebook suggestions who had more than 3 friends in common with me.

Funny enough, they all added me back. Sight Unseen. Never talked. No comment, no email. Just "added" and went on with their day. Totally normal Facebook.

I assume that they, like myself, assumed they'd get to know me over time by seeing my feed which would give us something to talk about.

Then there was one. Who added me. Then found me on Twitter and added me. And then sent me this via Twitter:

"Where have you been all my life?"

Which I hoped like hell was a joke, and replied to it as a serious question.. (my way of joking back)

"Probably in the bathroom or in bed. It seems statistically thats where most people spend the most time in their lifetime."

Ok, so it wasn't a funny response, but it was a response.

Then he publicly asked me to clarify some personal information. Well if any of you remember the whole debacle from a week ago.. You know that my online trust is at an all time ZERO. This person is also a dating blogger, meaning that my trust is even lower than zero as I just don't know him and don't know who his friends are, alliances, or motives. To say that I crawled in my "safety hole" would be an understatement.

So I DM him. "Why" (aka why do you want to know)

He replies with a compliment, and again asking for clarification on the personal information.

I reply only to the compliment, with a "Thank you."

He then asks me where I live, which is not a secret.. everyone by now knows I live in Austin.

"Very cool. I love it down there. Stayed at a great hotel whose name I forgot.."

To be honest, I had no idea how to reply to this. Its Austin. Hotels are pretty much hotels. There's only one hotel here that isn't your normal run of the mill hotel (sure there are fancy hotels and sleezy hotels, but they're normal for fancy or sleezy).

M - "well theres lots of hotels here, but only one awesome one.. the Driskill"

Dude - "I don't think that was it. I would def fit into austin."

(ugh, by this time, I'm just tired of talking. I'm also still in my protective hole, so I'm not investing a lot in my responses. I just don't trust this guy ... yet. I guess.. and am not seeing the point.. so I get flippant.)

M - "then you should move here."

Dude - "can I come visit first?"

(My head is seriously trying to spin off my neck at this point. A. He already claimed to have visited once. B. He doesn't need my permission. C. Oh god back off... I should have just told him that I wasn't in the mood to talk right now.. but no.. I do my normal.. lets burn this to the ground.)

M - "I dunno... did you get exiled and told not to return? if not, then I'm sure Austin would be fine with it."

Dude - "Do you go and see music all the time and stuff??"

(a music buff.. great.. please keep proving to me this conversation is useless.. please please.)

M - "not really. not all the time. sometimes."

Dude - "sorry my questions are kind of lame ahahah imagine what a date with me would be like!!"

(Finally dude is picking up on signals that I don't want to talk to him. Maybe the 20 questions will end. Please please... Maybe we can actually have a conversation someday without it feeling like an inquisition?)

M - "you're kinda scary :)"

Dude - ":-/"

M - "its ok. I'm just extremely skittish and kinda a bitch"

Dude - "awesome. you belong in nyc"

M - "lol.. i'm not that much of a bitch.. Chicago is more my style."

He didn't reply again. Can't say that I blame him much.

Sadly, had I given into my inner-panic-voice I'd have just Twitter-blocked him from the moment he asked me about my personal information, and this conversation wouldn't have happened.

Or I could have just outright told him that I don't discuss my personal information, though that would have looked like a denial and made him ask more personal information..

Or I could have just been a bigger bitch sooner.

He's probably a nice guy, and just wanted to get to know me better. *sigh* who knows.

I just know that my trust in meeting new people through Twitter (and Facebook actually) is severely damaged.

I used to just be a happy go-lucky girl on those. It's really going to take me a long time to get back there.

Hockey Makes Me An Angry Woman

2010-05-23T16:16:00.000-05:00

Well last night I went to another hockey game. To say that it was a waste of money is an understatement.

To start, I went because the seats were cheeeeeeep.. and when I got there I found out why. The seats were in a section where you had to be "let through" by security because you walked across the entrance of the hockey team.. so anytime the hockey players were coming or going, you couldn't get in. This meant that bathroom breaks, beer runs, food runs, all needed to be timed appropriately.

Plus, there was a "guard" at the stairs to your seat who would not let you go back to your seat if the game was on. You couldn't get to your seat unless it was some kind of time out.

This severely inhibited my beer runs, and pissed me off.

But I was already in a foul mood before I got there.

I was going with a group. A group I've been in for a while but haven't attended in a couple months. The organizer knows me but thats about it. So when I was planning on going to this, I attempted to set up carpooling.

There's a little "bar" nearby the arena where we all could meet up .. have a beer before going to the game, and decide who is going in whose car with whom. Since the parking was actually more expensive than the ticket, and I'm getting low on funds.. I was really looking forward to splitting the parking costs.

I got a couple nibbles but no organizer support for carpooling. (Seriously want to maim the organizer, but I won't.) So I went ahead and organized the carpooling. Emailed everyone where we were meeting, the address, directions, my cell#, etc.

Of the two nibbles, one emailed back and gave me her cell# and said she'd be there. The other just didn't reply. But still I figured a couple people would at least show up for a beer.

Then about 3 hours before the game, the girl that I thought was going to carpool emailed me that she was going to go with her neighbor. (no invite for me to join them btw) So I was a little ticked.

Then no one else showed up to carpool.

I get to the game and the carpool girl isn't there, but several other people are.. several of which I've met before it turns out. The organizer had secretly organized carpooling for a couple of the people, yet not once contacting me.

Then the carpool girl shows up. Alone.

I was severely miffed. Put out. Irritated. Charged up.

And this before the game even started.

.... then the game..

My first Texas Stars game, I thought was good. I thought .. hey this team isn't half bad.. I could get into this...

Then there was last night. They played against a Canadian team. The Canadian team was not nice. They were aggressive. A little too much so for my tastes, but they also knew how to do it without getting penalties. Skill. Knowledge. Artistry.

They completely made the Texas Stars look like a kiddie team up against professionals.

So I honestly don't think I can fully get behind the Stars. Very disappointing game.

Though... there were several fights, and I did take some joy in the Stars players getting a few good hits in. :)

The company however is not a group that I'd willingly go with again. I ended up sitting next to a girl that I cannot stand. I'm sure she's nice and fun and whatnot.. but she creeps me out something awful and I fear she has the intelligence of a grapefruit.

There's were a couple people in a the group worth salvaging for a return visit, but they were on the opposite side of our group and I didn't get to socialize much with them. One is a very handsome man.. unfortunately too short. C'est la vie!

PS.. Not sure hockey is good for me btw. I've been picking fights all damn day for things I don't even care about and I'm blaming it on the hockey.. cuz I can. :)

Sail Away With Me... Not

2010-05-21T17:07:00.000-05:00

So I went and hung out with some friends last weekend. They were all gathering at a place I think of as my "Cheers", despite that I don't make it down there every day and don't know most of the staff. I just feel homey when I'm there.

The Gingerman

I honestly really needed a "Gingerman" trip anyway. It'd been a while since I'd been there, and the need for beer was strong. If the Gingerman was closer to me, I might actually have a chance of becoming that alcoholic that I keep trying and failing to be. Though I even doubt that one as I've a fridge with cold beer and several bottles of hard liquor that I'm always forgetting to drink. I even have my favorite vodka (Armadale) sitting right beside my computer, and like eating.. I forget to drink it.

It's actually pretty amazing that I remember to post blog posts or even manage to get through writing a blog post. Yes, my attention span is that f'd up. Ooooo pretty...

Oh yes.. back to the Gingerman..

I arrive. Late. As usual. But not so late to miss the entire party, just enough that I'm a drink or two behind everyone else. A true alcoholic would have arrived early to drink more.. damn it..

Anyway, my friends see me and act like I'm some sort of mirage. Have I mentioned that I've not seen most of them in months? It takes them a minute but..

I got flack.

"Where have you been? Don't tell me you have friends other than us!" Don lectured me jokingly as he came over to give me a big hug.

He was then followed by a couple girls that I pretend to be friends with, but in reality barely know. They're great girls and a lot of fun .. at least while at the bar.. but I just don't see us clicking without a beer in hand and mutual male friends to distract us. Let alone a girls-night. Call me paranoid, but I honestly think if we went to a bar just us girls to hang out.. I'd have blade marks all over my back.

But I made nice, and acted all happy to see them. It was good to see familiar faces and have people that were interested in me.. so it wasn't an entire act I guess. They wanted to catch up on everything I've been doing lately... which honestly is nothing of any interest anyone.

Would you like to know about my experiment with maple syrup vs brown sugar syrup on pancakes? Or maybe all the interesting job offers I'm getting for things that either will put me in jail or make me homicidal so I end up in jail?

So I answered their questions to the best of ability, and they drifted off to other people.

Don however stuck around. He wanted more details and wasn't going to give up until I told him everything. So I did. About me being sick and not wanting to socialize, about the job hunt which is going miserably, and about anything else that came to mind.

Then I saw Karl. Karl is an older gentleman. He's normally quiet, polite, somewhat shy, a little aloof but social, and always in the best manners (reserved). So what happened made my head spin a little.

I see Karl talking to a very hot man whom I've never seen before. I catch Karl out of the corner of my eye pointing in my direction and commenting to the guy next to him.

"I saw that!" I exclaim to Karl pretending to be offended/suspicious, then turn to his friend. "What is he selling you on now? Don't trust a word of it!" I say as I smile widely.

Karl completely denies pointing as a child does who got caught eating chocolate and denies it with chocolate all over his face.

I then start to walk away to say hi to a few other people, when Karl grabs my arm.

"You can't leave."

"Whaa?"

"You can't leave. You have to stay here."

This is unlike Karl. Most times Karl just lets me flitter wherever I want. Never has he ever tried to entangle me in a conversation.

So I figured he had something to say to me.

Nope. He just wanted me to stand there next to him as he talked with the hot guy.

I of course had other plans. The guy was hot and all, but a little shorter than I like, and I'm not really that into dating right now. So I wanted to say hi to my friends before they left.

I started to leave again..

And again Karl stopped me. It was then I realized that Karl was drunk. I'd never seen Karl drunk.. but he was. And it was funny.

He was joking with me.. in annoying ways.. that make me laugh. His antics were also making the hot guy laugh.. though he was in fairness laughing at me and my inability to get away politely.

Finally Karl let me escape, and I went to say Hi to more of my friends. I also learned that I do not post on Facebook very much, and that people would have been concerned that I'd died had I completely stopped posting on Facebook. Evidently, my weekly posts on Facebook have saved me from being the subject of a 911 call.

Obviously, I need to go out more often.

So I go get more beer and flirt with Mr Hot Bartender (seriously wanna try that on for size).

It was hot outside, cool inside, and everyone was standing in the middle between the outside and inside which was part hot, and part lukewarm. I'd already said my hellos, and tired of being hot, I sat myself and my cold beer down on a couch nearby where there was no one sitting.

Ah.. peace, quiet, cool drink and air conditioning...

Then the hot guy came to sit across from me to talk.

It was idle chitchat to start. How long have I know these friends.. how often do we all hang out.. etc and so on.

Then he started to tell me about himself. About his condo downtown, and his other house in Boston.

Is it just me, or? ... when a guy says that he has two residences and claims to be single... does anyone else just tune out?

It seems to be a theme with me lately. Meeting men who obviously want me to think or know they have money.

For me, all I need to know is that you're financially stable. If you're trying to tell me you've make $300k a year, you've obviously misjudged my priorities. However if you've got big bucks, and I know it without you telling me, you're generous without flaunting it.. I might start stalking you. Its all about the character baby.

He was a nice guy, and despite his double houses .. I might have given him a chance.. but he also really really likes boating and sailing.

Me + Water (with fish in it) is a non-starter. Not going to happen. Unless your boat is the size of a small island, don't be trying to picture us "sailing away" any day soon.

Then people saw us sitting down and talking. Don, in his own flirting enthusiastic way, plopped down next to me in a way that can only be described accurately as an ex-boyfriend move.. and the hot guy's eyes reacted as if "Oh you have a boyfriend"... which made me laugh. Had I not already ruled Hot guy out as a potential date, I might have been a little upset with Don. As it was I joked around with Don, and introduced him to the hot guy. Then one by one everyone joined the couches and conversations.

Hot guy stayed and talked with everyone for awhile. Don then ran off to another side of the bar. Then Hot guy saw Don flirting outrageously with one of our mutual friends, and he commented. I replied thats just Don he's kinda the group flirt or party person. His eyes then changed in understanding again, realizing that Don and I weren't dating. (Silly men)

Hot guy shortly after got up for another beer. Never to be seen again.

Oh well.

Haunted By Old Memories

2010-05-19T20:14:00.000-05:00

Last night I was out with some friends, and they decided to all meet up for an after-party at a place that I never go to. Its an area of town that I used to know well when I first moved to Austin, but since I moved out of that area, I rarely return.

By Rarely I mean Never.

I hadn't realized it when they mentioned the place just exactly where it was. Or should I say, I didn't realize that my last memory of the area was of that area. I didn't connect the two until I started driving there.

I turned onto the road miles south of the intersection with the bar where we were meeting... and my memories started coming back to me.

I started to remember the last night I was on that road. How wonderful that last meeting with him was. His smile. The way he looked at me.

When I pulled onto this road, it was at the juncture that ended the night finally.. where he pulled south, and I turned north. So as I drove towards the bar, the memories became happier and more bittersweet.

I realized that I missed him. I cussed at him in my car for moving away. It was a half-assed cuss-out as I know he did what he had to do, and I'd never want to take his dreams away. But knowing that barely makes his absence more tolerable, nor does it really let me miss him less.

By the time I got to the intersection where the bar was located, I was a little overwhelmed with missing him. That intersection was the same intersection where we were stopped at the light, windows rolled down, and flirting. Even now when I think on it, I smile with watery eyes.

I pulled myself together though and made it to the bar composed. Ordered a beer and chatted as if I wasn't being haunted by old memories.

As I drove home, I ended up stopped at the same light. In the same spot as I had been months ago. Finding myself wishing that he would pull up beside me, and make me laugh like he had before.

It was a bittersweet ride home. Filled with happy memories that I'd nearly forgotten, and saddened because he's not here.

I'm A Hottie

2010-05-18T16:04:00.001-05:00

I went out the other night to a networking event.. and there were several friends there of Hock and I.

Hock was not there.

I honestly didn't think I'd bad mouth Hock. It wasn't part of my plan. I honestly thought I'd stop at "We had a falling out." or some other vague-ity... but people would ask if I was going to ____ event or "Hey you going to Hock's party next week?" And the story of Hock & my official falling out.. just came flowing out of my mouth.

I ran into one of Hock's friends that I'd met during the game.. and she was shocked at his behavior with me.

"That is so unlike him"

I told her I thought it was out of character as well, but its what happened and I just can't overlook it. She agree and was adequately appalled at him on my behalf.

Then I ran into a mutual friend who had seen Hock and I making out that first night. She came over to chide me about it. Jokingly. She admitted that her and her husband had been married so long she was jealous of our hot make-out session. She went on to tell me what a cute couple we were, and the story of me and Hock came out like verbal vomit.

She interjected: "When I asked him about your make-out scene, he replied 'oh the hottie' so it wasn't because he thinks you're ugly."

I guess I can take some comfort in that. Right?

I did get to see a couple of my crushes.. The married hottie.. *sigh* and the single one.

I'd not seen Pierce (the single one) in months. We've never said a whole lot to each other, but he's always been friendly and somewhat flirtatious.. I think? We're both very shy neurotic semi-social-geeky people that well.. I honestly can't tell if he's flirting or if he's just being friendly. .. However I'm just going to assume that he wants me.. and he wants me bad. :)

We saw each other across a very crowded room. I was making my rounds looking for familiar faces and possibly new people to meet, when I saw him. He saw me and his face changed into recognition and smiles. (I'm pretty sure mine also changed in the same way. I was overjoyed to see him.)

I made my way over.

He enveloped me in a hug and I melted. Neurosis knows neurosis. I'm comfortable with him.

Well comfortable except for the whole not knowing if we're just friends.. or maybe? or who knows?

We said our hellos and talked about the past few months. What we'd each been doing, what's new, what's not, and so on.

I nervously thought he was trying to get away at one point. He moved closer to me, almost like he was trying to get past me... and I backed away to let him through. I realized my error when he then backed away to his original position. I still don't know what he was trying to do, but I was much too nervous to ask.

The conversation came to its natural end, and I couldn't find anything even remotely interesting to prolong it. Plus it was muggy and hot where we were, so I used the moment to excuse myself for cooler spaces.

That was the last I saw him that evening.

Love Your Neighbor

2010-05-17T20:16:00.000-05:00

I swear this is my last post on the subject. I promise.

This weekend, I heard many stories about "Community" and how valuable it is, how adorable it is, and how much its cherished. I too agree. Community is a wonderful thing, and something I also experienced here among the Dating Bloggers until last Friday when suddenly I was kicked out without warning and for reasons that had nothing to do with me personally.

There are posts all over about respecting your fellow blogger and blogger family, as if those of us not in the "Community" are somehow lacking.

My community is about love and understanding. Its about freedom. Its supportive in agreement and disagreement. Its a family that can fight and still have each others backs, and welcomes others .. not shuts them out.

This is my community..

Below I've written what it is that I believe my community is about.. the standards that I believe a true community wanting to grow should be about.

My Online Ethics:

"I love my fellow onliners as people. I like to think that I treat them with kindness and respect and dignity. (I try.. no one is perfect)

I believe in free speech and will uphold anyone's right to express their opinion or viewpoint even if I don't agree with it. I also reserve the right to publicly disagree with anyone's opinions or viewpoint.

I do not however believe that disagreement gives anyone the right to harass, name-call, personally insult, or use anyone's private secrets against them (aka hitting below the belt). I reserve the right, and support others rights, to delete or ban or publicly call attention to anyone who is abusing their right to free speech in order to bring down another person or to cause another person strife or pain.

I will not actively pursue to shut down, harrass, or otherwise hurt another person's livelihood or project. I will not join in anyone elses efforts to do so, nor encourage anyone to do so. I do not agree with bullying in any way, shape, or form.

I try to disagree when I disagree with as much tact and respect as possible. If I find myself continually in disagreement with an individual, I will stop following or stop reading their posts to minimize my contributions of negativity.

I do my best to be as equally free with praise as I am with disapproval, and strive to always find the best in everyone.

I will follow and unfollow people only based on my own experiences/perceptions of their content and behavior. I will not blindly follow anyone elses suggestions or give in to peer pressure. I will not demand that others follow or unfollow anyone or promote or not promote anyone in order to gain or remain in my friendship or following.

I will not ostracize or abandon friends who have shown me love, because they do not always agree with me."

This is my definition of community. This is how I love.

How do you become part of my community? Say Hi. That's a good place to start, and we'll go from there.

Breach Of Trust

2010-05-17T14:30:00.001-05:00

After the debacle on Friday, I strongly considered closing shop.

As it turns out there are 30+ bloggers in category Blogger B vs Blogger A. Of those 30+ bloggers, I found out two of them were people I considered to be good friends.

So that I'd not received an invite or heads up or even consulted at all.. Hurt a lot.

Not to mention the numbers of other bloggers in their group.. which I didn't know who was or wasn't in the group.. and found myself wondering.. Who do I trust now?

I received several DM's through Twitter of people showing me their support and agreeing with my post on Friday. I wondered if these people DM'd me out of fear that showing public support would adversely affect them. I know I wasn't the only one hurt, distrustful, and a little scared.

I wondered throughout the weekend about "what if I say something negative about someone? will I be next?" Because lord knows I cannot keep my mouth shut if I think someone's talking a bunch of BS.

Then I found out that some private information that I'd given to people because I trusted them.. had been told to people I didn't authorize..

The smoke coming out of my ears nearly set off the smoke alarm.

The amount of betrayal and whispering behind closed doors that I felt was going on.. I'd not experienced since High School, and is not something I ever want to experience again.

So I spent most of this weekend out. If I was home, I'd think about my computer.. and this.. and I'd get upset. Being home was stifling.

I hung out with friends I've not seen in months. I drank vodka. I drank beer, and I even tried to kill myself off by eating fries that I was pretty sure I was allergic to.. They were damn good though.. until I got sick.

It honestly wasn't until Sunday night.. after a very fun afternoon of beer drinking.. that I started to relax and put things into perspective.

As much as I'd love to be able to.. I can not control what other people do or say. I have to accept them for their choices, and move on to what is going to make me happy and what I can live with.

I can only be me.

So I'm back. A little worse for wear.. a little less trusting (I know, who'd have thought that possible?).. and with a little bit bigger middle finger.

I've got some juicy stories that I've yet to write up.. So don't worry.. fun fun will be had here again...

Follow Friday Drama: Count Me Out

2010-05-14T14:31:00.000-05:00

I'm a bad girl. I've been scolded. I've been unfollowed. I've been blocked and unblocked and reblocked again. In this activity, I have been told with whom I can and cannot be friends or suffer the same treatment.

For those of you not "in the know", there is a major rift dividing the Dating Blogger world. There are two people who do not get along (ok more than two, but there are essentially two sides) and for the purpose of this post.. I'll call them Blogger A, and Blogger B.

They both have their reasons of why they are fighting, and each feels fully justified in their stances and behaviors.

Blogger A vehemently disagreed with Blogger B's initial posts and attitude, and honestly Blogger A's initial position was not unfounded. Blogger A then decided that Blogger B needed correcting.

Blogger B has posted some great posts and some "OMG you have to be posting this just for the controversy" posts. Blogger B's initial posts and attitude even had myself thinking that Blogger B needed some education. But over time Blogger B has grown to be an excellent dating blogger.

However, Blogger A's initial "attack" on Blogger B, caused Blogger B to be hurt and wounded. And the fight escalated.

Both Bloggers have their benefits and their detriments. Both at one time or another, I've considered to be friends of mine.

Blogger A is not an easily likable person. Blogger A is often negative and judgmental in their approach to people and situations. This makes for good reading, and good discussion. Blogger A has a great following of dedicated readers who love that no-bullshit approach. It's actually one of the things that first drew me to Blogger A's blog. Plus the fact that Blogger A allows me to disagree without fear of retribution.

Blogger B is a very nice person and has grown to blog very nicely. Blogger B has a great perspective on dating and life, and their posts are always insightful. Blogger B has grown a good following based in their fresh perspective and flirty ways. Blogger B truely has a very sweet-heart personality once you get to know them.

I sort of understand Blogger A's perspective on Blogger B, but yes I do think that an apology from Blogger A is needed. But both sides have spread rumors and bad talked each other. No one is an angel here.

I also do not like being forced to choose a side. I'm no longer in HS. I no longer feel the need to deal with this.

I've known Blogger A almost since my "birth" here. Blogger A's been nothing but nice to me. Blogger A has never lashed out at me for being friends with Blogger B. Blogger A did mention it once, but has not (to my knowledge) held it against me.

Blogger B and I are recent friends. We started rocky as I disagreed with Blogger B's initial attitude and perspective. I got blocked and wasn't told why. Then Blogger B's attitude changed and I started liking what Blogger B was saying and posting. Through strange round about ways, Blogger B deemed me safe to talk to and unblocked me. The blocking it turned out had to do with my friendship with Blogger A.

Then today, I posted some #FF tweets. Including both of them in the same tweet.

I'm told I lost followers. Blogger B has unfollowed me again. (and to tell you the truth, it hurts every time someone blocks me. it shouldn't, but it does.)

I am a peacemaker. I don't like to be in the middle of fights, and will do my best to resolve the situation. I've tried, but it is no use.

So I'm done. I don't do this politics crap.. I never have.

If you want to be my friend.. be my friend. I won't be toyed with, or given ultimatums. I won't let you dictate who I can and cannot associate with. If you don't like my friends, thats fine.. not everyone likes everyone.. I won't require you to like them. I also won't require you to drop a friend that happens to be an enemy of mine. (Hell I hung out with friends of Hock's last night without a problem)

I either trust you as a friend or I don't. You either trust me as a friend or you don't.

But I tell you both this.. Blogger A and Blogger B.. until you two can live as friends, I will not RT or Mention either of you on Twitter. I will not be publicly friends with either of you, as your fighting has now really hurt me.

Its days like today, that I am ashamed to be among the "Dating Bloggers".

Guilty & Ready For My Beating

2010-05-11T17:39:00.000-05:00

We all like to judge. We judge ourselves. We judge others. We even sometimes enlist other people to judge us.. because we obviously don't get enough judgement throughout our day.. or we hope the verdict will be different.

We tie ourselves into knots, and we enlist the help of others in this as well.

No where is this more prevalent than in dating. We are constantly bombarded with "do this" and "don't do that" .. that by the time we actually manage to find someone to accompany us, we've got ourselves convinced that we are other than we are.

Some of us convince ourselves we're more of a catch than we are. Our perfect maintenance. Our perfect manners. Our perfect set of rules and regulations.

Others of us convince ourselves that we're not a catch at all. We have too much hair or not enough, imperfect teeth, undesirable bodies, horrid careers.. and so on. We convince ourselves that we aren't social adept enough or interesting enough. We chide ourselves as losers for not being able to follow simple "rules" of dating.

Whats even worse than this.. is that we ask others to bolster these opinions. We specifically choose to go to people who we know (darn good and well) will give us the praise or tongue-lashing that we feel we deserve.

This post by Moxieinthecity has been bugging me for days, and I've come to the conclusion of why.. or conclusions maybe?

To start.. I'll be honest. My first reaction to Moxie's post was offense. I felt judged, because like the poster.. I've had sex on the first date. I like sex. I give in occasionally to the moment.. sometimes encouraged by TOM (hormones are evil) and alcohol (decreases my inhibitions, aka makes me horny). I don't necessarily think this is something that should be held against me.. though I fully understand that often it is.. and I sometimes worry about men's intentions after the fact. Are they going to call? If they call are they only calling for a bootycall?

But thats not why it stuck with me. I fully grasp that by sleeping with said person I've made my choice to take a huge risk that he won't want to see me again. (In my past, I did this often out of self-sabotage. I figured he'd leave once he got sex, might as well make it sooner than later.)

Why it stuck with me was this... I related to.. and felt sorry for.. the girl.

I felt sorry for her because she was so full of self-doubt that it was hampering her ability to just enjoy her choices. Instead of embracing her choice to have sex, she was beating herself up, and judging herself for it. Running doomsday scenarios of why he was calling rather than finding out for herself.

Secondly, I felt sorry for her.. because not only was she judging herself.. she actively sought out Moxie to help tongue-lash her... and Moxie did.

Moxie let her have it in ways that .. well.. make me want to find the OP and give her a hug.

"You didn't really accept the consequences. If you had, you'd never have sent him that text. Now, had you sent him a text one night when you were feeling frisky and wanted to grab some wine and a shag?"

To me this says... if you have sex on the first date, don't bother trying to be anything to him other than a bootycall. Which is wrong.. so wrong.. Sure sure.. sex on the first date does decrease the chances in most men's minds that you'll ever be more than casual.. but not all men. If he really likes you, sex on the first date isn't going to matter (trust me I've got a couple marriage proposals to prove it).

Sending a "thank you" text the next day.. is good etiquette. Just is. Always.

I just wish we could stop beating each other up. Stop beating ourselves up, for things that come naturally and are consensual. Whether we like it or not, we have to deal with the consequences.. and when it comes to sex.. those consequences aren't always what we expected. Sometimes they're good, and sometimes they're disaster.. but they're always unpredictable.

Enjoy your life.. Take each day as it comes.

5 Manly-Man Things I Love

2010-05-10T12:10:00.002-05:00

I really liked @singlegirlie's post about "5 Un-Manly Things I Love In A Man" despite that I don't share most of those myself. So I thought, "Hey, I should do a post like that with ones that I like!"

Then I thought about it, and I honestly can't think of any girlie things that I like in a man. Well except the whole body builder look thing that she explains on her blog. Fit - good, Athletic - good, Overweight - good, Skinny - good... but the body builder (unhuman) kind of built look, hell no... though I will choose body builder over the extremely obese guys.

I like some metro sexual stuff, but I wouldn't really call most of it un-manly. I just like 'em to look nice.

So I decided to list the 5 manly man things that I LOVE in a man, not necessarily in any particular order...

1. Steak: He not only knows how to order a good steak, but knows how to eat one. (He shouldn't hate vegetables though, just know his meat.)

2. Hair: He can grow it. Facial, chest.. There is absolutely no mistaking him for anything but a man. (Not really into thick carpet looks though, but a good amount of hair is definitely sexy.)

3. Chivalry: He offers to carry things for me whether I need him to or not. He opens doors for me. He walks me to my car and/or to my door to make sure I'm safe.

4. Tool Belt: He can fix things. Leaky sinks, changing the oil on my car, or even just fixing the bug in my computer.. He knows how to use his hands...

5. Cajones - I hope thats how it's spelled.. but that manly man attitude. He can be calm and zen and peaceloving (no one wants an angry ass) but I really love a guy who when push comes to shove.. can firmly hold his ground.. all the more attractive if he's peaceful and fun loving 99% of the time.. unless you cross him. Whiny men who are too emotional kinda make my skin crawl.

The Worst Playboy

2010-05-09T16:14:00.000-05:00

aka.. if he shows you who you are to him, believe him...

Like every woman out there, I've fallen prey to players. Those smooth talking silver tongued lads who you want to believe because it feels good or its a happier picture. The guys who can cancel or make plans last minute and convince you that its for legitimate reasons. They convince you that you are in fact the most important and beautiful person in the world, and if they could they'd be with you 24/7. And we believe it, because we want to.

I've been there. Done that. And sometimes willingly got the t-shirt. (Don't judge me. Sometimes good sex and a guy who makes you feel like a million bucks is pretty darn awesome, even if you know he's lying)

And (as the Texans say it..) "Bless his little heart" Hock is trying to be one of these guys. I'll give him some props for effort, but he's got a whole lot to learn. Aka he's a massive idiot.

1. If you're trying to be a playa, make sure your "excuses" can't be easily disproven by your Twitter or Facebook updates, especially if said media is one of the ways you two communicate.

2. If you don't want to burn bridges, never leave a girl waiting without any kind of word. Always keep her informed on your availability even if it changes last minute. Real playas don't want to put the effort into making up for things later and understand the longer you let a girl fester, the less likely you'll talk your way back into her pants. The less misunderstandings, the better your chances of getting laid.

And as such, Hock is no more. I'm actually thinking he may get physically hurt next I see him, but that will probably pass. In the meantime, let me tell you the story of how Hock went from sexy to deserving a ball-kicking (or more).

As you all know, Hock and I went to a hockey game and "made up" after his 3 am booty-texting faux-pas (which btw girls any time a guy does this to you, save yourself some time and just write him off completely). I hadn't forgiven him completely but was willing to give him a second chance.

So anyway, I'd seen on Twitter that he was getting some friends together for a UFC watching party, and I had other plans with Getty to cheer her up after a horrid week. Getty wanted to get drunk and I promised to be her designated driver. Being the great friend that I am, I used my media savvy to invite others to our party. I also sent Hock a special invite letting him know that when the UFC thing was over if he was bored he was welcome to join us.

Around midnight, Hock texted me and asked if we were still out. I said we were. He said he was on his way. Getty and I were about 15 minutes from leaving and picking another locale so I stalled so we could wait for Hock. Courtesy.

45 minutes go by. I text Hock.

"How close are ya?"

H - "I was actually there for about 10 mins looking around. Sorry I missed you."

(Oh bullshit asshole)

M - "Why didn't you txt me?"

(Seriously if you're looking for someone at a place, and can't find them, you call or text them to see where they are, especially if they knew you were coming.)

H - "Sorry I thought you were out. I went ahead and started getting home. I gotta get the house prepped for my mom coming tomorrow."

(BULLSHIT.. but whatever)

M - "Well the place here is pretty empty and we were waiting. You should have courtesy txtd me. Have fun prepping"

So I'm ticked, and I'm "done" with him after this alone. Not going to badmouth him or beat him up.. he's just obviously a jerkoff and not worth my effort.

Then Getty and I go to another spot and I see my Twitter. Hock is not home. Not even close. He's actually still out drinking with the same people that he watched the UFC. They're tweeting about how much fun they're having with him.. he's tweeting about how much fun he's having with them.

Now I'm really done. Obviously the "message" I got by his 3 am booty-text was the right one and I shouldn't have questioned it. However, this last infraction earns him "ball-kicking" status.

For starters, using your mother as an excuse to ease over a "sex partner" so you can work on getting laid by someone else, on the night before Mother's Day.. you should be roasted in hell.

Second, he lied with every sentence. He wasn't on his way EVER (no one would go across town to where I was, only to go back to where he was. He never left.). Meaning he never arrived to even be looking for me, and he never went home to prepare for his mother's visit. He probably lied about his mother visiting as well.

Had he said other plans came up, I could have at least understood and probably would have rolled with it (he did say he was just out for fun at the start).. Instead he tried to keep me on the bench by lying a mega asinine lie. What a freaking moron.

Oh and if anyone in Austin wants his number to go kick his ass, I'll happily give it.

I do walk away from this learning something though.

1. Sports aren't bad. Its all about the company.

2. Not everyone deserves a second chance.

PS girls.. do take away from this one thing.. No matter how slick and sweet he talks, if he walks like an ass, you can be sure he is one.

A Good Sport

2010-05-09T10:50:00.000-05:00

So the other night, I'm out at a hockey game. My first ever hockey game either on TV or live.

If you've been a long time reader, you've been privy to my hatred of nearly all sports. A deep seated hatred based in lots of years of being tortured with it, and being second choice to it. (Dear men, if your partner is second choice to any sporting event.. except maybe the final game like the SuperBowl.. Please go seek help right now.)

So when Hock invited me to go (as a friend thing), I really wanted to say no. I feared the worst. I feared being ignored and bored and lost. I feared I wouldn't cheer at the right spots or worse cheer for the opposing team accidentally. I feared that it would be torture.

But I wanted to see Hock (to see if.. well to really know for certain if that booty-text was his real feelings on the subject). I'd never seen a hockey game, so it was at least something new to try.

So I went. I'm glad I did. (despite it encouraging yesterdays post)

I'll admit at first I wasn't that into it. I sat there and tried to get my bearings. I'd played some floor hockey in gym in high school, so I knew the basics. But grasping what actually was happening on the floor, and who did what.. and where the hell did that puck go (Half the time even the refs didn't know where it went either. That I found immensely funny, btw.) was a bit overwhelming.

There were points where I thought I should cheer, but no one else was, so I didn't. There were points where everyone was cheering and I was still trying to figure out why.

But Hock was great to watch it with. He was patient and nice and not condescending. He explained some finer points of the game and explained some players relationships/personalities which made the game much more interesting and intriguing.

I have to also admit that there's something sexy about a man cheering his team with a positive attitude and not getting all sore (man-pouting) because things aren't going exactly the way he wanted. Seriously at one point I nearly cowgirl'd Hock in his seat, fortunately I have self-restraint. Though that could just be a Hock thing, as most of the time when he was talking I just wanted to go over and kiss the crap out of him. (yes I know.. I already said I had a problem yesterday)

It is going to take me years I think to fully appreciate hockey as a sport, but I had a great time much to my own surprise.

So maybe all sports aren't dead to me. Oh, and games are much much better with lots of company and booze. Especially if that company is sexy.

Why Can't He Be A Loser?

2010-05-06T09:09:00.000-05:00

^&^(*^&(*^&(*^*(^(&%&^%^$%$%^&*())(*&)&%&^&$$# (insane unrecognizable cussing streak)

Well damn it. (insert more cussing in some language unknown to man) I've a problem. A big problem.

I really thought seeing Hock again would bring out some flaw I missed. That his rude booty-text would have tainted my view of him enough that I would find him repulsive or at the very least unattractive. Or hope of hopes that last time I was wearing some huge beer goggles and would finally see him in a different - less attractive - light.

nope.

I got to see him in his element, with his people, and learned more about him.

I f'n really like the bastard. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhit.

It didn't help that seeing him jogged my memory of how well he kissed. He's got some great lips. Remembering how they felt on mine. How his hands felt.. (pardon me while I do a little daydream here.. )

Or that he was nice and polite.. and unreadable. (I could not read at freaking thing from him. Nadda. Much like the last time I saw him where I couldn't tell if he was or was not interested. I hate it and secretly love it. I'm a bit of a masochist obviously.)

I wanted to get a moment where we could just talk a little, but that moment never happened.

At the end of the evening, he gave me a one-armed hug just like he did everyone else, and bid me a safe drive home. (so very un-climatic)

I would of course try to have a tryst with someone who despite his booty-text faux-pas fits the criteria of someone I'd actually date.

Next time, I'm going to make sure I can't stand the guy, or at the very least am embarrassed to be with him in public.

Dating A Parent

2010-05-04T07:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Parents out there who are attempting to date single non-parents,

I just wanted to let you know that we all get that you have kids. You've let us know, and we're cool with it. Some of us might absolutely love it.

But what we don't want right now, especially before ever meeting your child, is the cutsie play by play of what adorable thing your child did just now or earlier.

If its not something that will have everyone in the world rolling with laughter, such as your daughter just flipped off your boss by showing him her owie.. then we don't need to know and probably don't want to know.

We do want to know about you. So if your child is suffering from cancer, yeah we want to know because its going to affect you. If you spent the entire day at a theme park with your child and are exhausted, yeah we want to know. What we don't need to know about is the evenings you two spent building a tower only to knock it down, or the time you and your little girl washed each others hair and how you let her comb yours. Let alone a play by play of either of those events.

While those moments are precious, they're also private moments between the two of you. We're not a family yet, so please don't feed us these stories on an ongoing basis. It will either make us crazy to belong to the family, or make us feel like an outsider. Neither of which you want. Trust me.

What you do want, and what we want.. is to see if the two of us fit together. That requires getting to know you. Not just the parent you, but the you at work, the you at play, and just YOU. Only once we've figured out if we're a good fit, are we even going to want to venture into your family. And only if we're a good fit should you even let us.

So please.. stop texting me the play by play of how cute you are with your kid.

Thanks,

Maruska

Not Your BootyCall

2010-05-03T03:46:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I can't tell if I'm a mental case, saying I want one thing and in reality wanting something else... or if the standards I have for what I want are just wrong or unreasonable. Or?

Hock texted me at 3am. I knew he'd been out all night drinking and having fun because we follow each other on Twitter and thus I see his Foursquare posts. That he was out all night, I didn't care really and it mattered not. It was merely just twitterfeed.

But am I out of my mind to be "offended" or otherwise upset for him texting me at 3am wondering what I'm doing so he can ask me to get together to screw around?

I am highly sensitive to feeling like someone's last choice or "well if there's nothing else, she'll do".. and I do not bear it well. Which is exactly how I perceive a 3 am bootycall text.

At first, I thought he was drunk and was merely going to tell him to go get some sleep. If he was drunk, I could forgive it or at least give him some leeway. But he assured me he was sober and driving home past my place.

Trying to get a booty call from me at 3am.. Never going to happen.

I told him I wasn't the "booty call kind of girl".

He apologized. We texted a bit more, but now I'm even more not sure if I should go to that party he invited me to..

Do I go and make nice and be "friends" and forgive him? Or do I stay home, and let things fade completely?

I was up most of the night (insomnia not related to this) and pondered this because well it really upset me. I really didn't expect him to think that that kind of behavior was acceptable. The more I thought about it the more upset and pissed off I got.

No one calls or texts someone they barely know at 3 am for any reason other than a major emergency and they can't get a hold of anyone else.

Had we had a long history of bootycall behavior in which him calling me last minute for sex was known to be ok, I could have bore it better. But we don't. We actually never discussed bootycalls at all, and were only together once. Not wanting a serious relationship does not indicate that courtesy and respect goes out the window, or at least it shouldn't.

Had he called me or texted me earlier in the evening and set up a "sex date", I'd have been more willing to say yes or at least considered it without being this offended/upset. But, no no, he texts me as he's driving home at 3 am hoping that I'm awake and horny.

Right or wrong, his actions indicate to me that he doesn't really respect me as a person and I feel cheap.

As angry at him that I am, I'm equally angry with myself.. justly or unjustly I blame myself.

It's little events like this that make me never want to open my legs again.

No Relationship & You Can't Make Me

2010-05-01T10:23:00.000-05:00

Luke & I talked last night. Well he messaged me. I replied.

My anxiety about him wanting to date increased every time I thought of him. I am no where near that yet, not with him, not with anyone. Especially not with him actually.

I keep thinking that I might be, or that I want to be, then I start thinking about all the complications. Seat up, Seat Down, Dish washing methodology, Laundry methodology, How clean to keep the house, How dirty to keep the house, Moving (Luke has already stated I'd have to move to where he is - panic), Giving up things, Compromises... the list goes on.. and I start having trouble breathing or thinking straight. All I want to do is RUN!

But how do you say that to a guy without sounding like a complete lunatic?

I did my best..

L - "Just saying hi. Haven't heard from ya"

(our last conversation was 48 hours ago, and I started to feel pressured, but I pretended to be ok)

M - "Oh was I supposed to keep in touch? Hi!"

L - "Well ya if you wanted to... guess you don't :)"

(is it just me or did that come off as passive-aggressive? Insert more anxiety for me)

M - "Are you playing games? Testing me?"

(seriously we just started talking again, and in 48 hours you're all this??)

L - "Testing you? Not that I'm aware of. Suppose if I did you failed :)"

M - "I'm f'n with ya :) I fail a lot btw mostly intentionally. I'm a rebel like that"

(I cover well don't I?)

He then goes into blah blah boring stuff (to you all) about his work and asks about my day (more boring stuff), then this..

L - "Was thinking about ya last night"

M - "Uh oh"

L - "Ya.. I'll not give you the details but it was highly pornographic.. I know you're less then interested. But I figured I would tell ya"

(Am I making shit up, or is this passive aggressive crapola again? No where did I say I wasn't interested, just that it was too soon to "date" - my anxiety went all sorts of haywire)

M - "Less than interested? What in the world was I doing?"

(I can handle filthy talk, just not relationship talk. Please take the hint)

L - "No I meant you less than interested in me being pervy with you"

(again, where in the hell did I say this? Now I'm angry with anxiety. Yay me)

M - "Uh huh I know what you meant. I was ignoring your attempt at putting words in my mouth"

M - "So what did I do?"

L - "Its not what you did exactly... its more of what I was doing to you :) you know you make it hard to flirt with you"

M - "I try :) So what were you doing then?"

He dodges the question nicely by telling me how sexy I was in a corset and that I looked good from all sorts of positions. He refused to give details. Asshole. :)

M - "Well that was very anti-climatic :P"

L - "lol not for you it wasn't.. repeatedly I might say"

(I got a chuckle out of that I must say)

He then mentioned that I was jaded..

M - " :P Yes I'm very jaded :)"

L - "Lol I think you need to let go of the jaded or this may be really hard :)"

(If I could just "get over it" like that I would. I've got damage. Sue me.)

M - "I thought hard was your thing"

L - "lol You know what I mean"

M - "Nope, no idea :)"

L - "So is this just you playing hard to get? :)"

(insert panic)

M - "Nope. Not playing anything. Just livin"

L - "Well its certainly hard to tell if you're interested or not"

(insert freakout and trying to breathe, so I decide to be honest and try to phrase it right)

M - "Maybe that's cuz I'm not as far along the road as you are. You seem impatient for me to say I'm interested which is making me feel more like retreating than moving forward"

M - "I'm just getting used to talking to you again"

M - "Trying to enjoy that without the "where's this going" mentality"

(Huge weight off my shoulders, then I panic about him possibly being insulted, then I relax as I remind myself if he gets insulted thats his issue and he can f'off)

L - "Well at least you told me how you feel. Exactly what I needed from you."

I honestly have no idea what that means, but I think things are fine as his next few messages were about the cutsie things his 2 yr old was doing. It was a very boring play by play of bathing and playing with dolls which bored even me.

The conversation ended with me telling him to go have fun with his daughter.

The Bad Good Boy

2010-04-30T06:45:00.002-05:00

If you remember, I posted about my adventure with Hock a week or so ago, and I mentioned that I thought he was a relationship guy and that he had some kind pain or trauma he was hiding.

He does. I asked him about it actually. One of those dreaded.. "Why are you single?" questions.

A few months ago, he got out of a bad relationship. He now wants to be a bad boy and get out there and just have some fun.

Picturing him as a bad boy cracks me up. Hilarious.

He was honest with me about not wanting to date, and to be honest after the whole Luke thing, not dating never sounded so good. So we had a good chat about how neither of us is wanting to date right now.

He has yet to ask me about myself btw. Which I find strange and yet comforting. I hate talking about me (I know you don't believe me) and its oddly comforting that he seems to care less about my past. Meaning that with him I can completely escape and be whomever I want to be.

Maybe Cleopatra.. Hmmm...

A few days later, he sent me an invite to a party he's throwing that some of our mutual friends are going to as well. Its not a date.. just an invite.

I haven't decided yet if I'm going to go. There's a $18 fee to get in, which he didn't offer to pay, and I'm not sure I can afford (or should afford?) right now. I don't really want him to pay either, as then it would feel like a date and I'm sure my anti-dating anxiety would get started.. it would change the entire tone of the event.

So I may go.. or I may not. I just don't know. But it is nice that he wants to see me.

Just A Good Long Cry

2010-04-30T06:37:00.002-05:00

I'd been getting worried about myself the last week or month really. I began wondering if I was turning into some kind of sociopath or something as I couldn't seem to access my emotions. I wanted to cry sometimes but couldn't. Things that should have had me rolling on the floor would merely make me smile or just not phase me at all.

I'd been thinking about the ex often. Not in a romantic way, but more so in an angry wishing him harm kind of way. I found myself containing volumes of anger and bitterness, and I didn't like it one bit but also felt powerless to do anything about it.

To be honest what really scared me the most was that night with Hock. He'd be sweet and thoughtful.. giving actually.. and instead of triggering the same in me, I found myself getting angry. It was sweet stuff that threatened to melt my heart, and I resisted it. I didn't want to feel anything, and I found myself angry at Hock for making me even try to feel anything.

All this last week, the slightest kind thing on TV or clip forwarded to me from Youtube, and I'd get choked up.

Then last night's Glee. The dam burst and I cried like a baby through the entire show. At first, it was the small little touching moments of the show that got my tears flowing, but somewhere in the middle I just broke down and cried, a hard uncontrollable sob-fest.

I think its the first real big cry I've had since we'd started the whole divorce process (well once I knew it was really divorce), let alone the first big cry since the divorce.

All that anger, resentment, stress, fear, etc... finally bubbled back to the surface and let itself out.

After the show was over, I cried a little more then dried my tears. I felt better. I felt human.

It really was a good long cry, and something I truly needed.

Luke Again

2010-04-29T03:44:00.000-05:00

Luke and I have started chatting again.

It all started when he complained on FB about there only being crazy women. Of course, if you only think there are crazy women thats all you'll find, but I didn't tell him that. I know him well enough to know that he really does like crazy chicks. Since we have history, I suppose that admission might reflect badly on me, but then I've never professed to be the poster child for sanity.

We talked about dating, life, goals, etc. We had a good conversation. It was good to talk again and just be friendly. I remembered him and I as friends and it made me smile.

Of course, while we talked I entertained the idea of getting back together. Each topic we agreed on, I wondered more about if things might work if we tried again. Each topic we disagreed on, I reminded myself why we aren't together.

I also started to remember the fire in him. How passionate he is. It was one of the things that first drew to me him. When he loves something, he loves it completely, protectively, and a little possessively. He will fight for it. Its a very attractive quality especially after my ex who was very passive about everything.

But with his fire comes demands. He's rather black and white. Good and bad. Very little grey at all. Very little compromise. He talks in absolutes, and has trouble forgiving or seeing/understanding another viewpoint.

I however live in grey quite often. While I admire peoples firm hold onto beliefs, I do find rigidness constraining. I'm more apt to fight for the freedom for everyone, than I am to fight for my personal beliefs. I understand that what's right for me, isn't always right for everyone else. Don't get me wrong, I'm not all wishy washy either. I do have my beliefs and things I will fight for as well...

But there are things that he wants. He's open and honest with his expectations of his future wife/lover, and they aren't things I really want and I'm not sure I could be them.

I'm also realizing that I'm still adverse to making any kind of compromise or giving anything up to please a partner. I might could eventually, but those compromises have to be gradual and not "dealbreakers" if I never live up to it. In essence, I merely want to be accepted for who I am right now. Encouraged to be the best me I can be. Loved for who I am, and who I become.

We talked two nights in a row, several hours each night. He'd message me throughout the day with simple hellos and innocent flirts. It felt good. Like I had a new good friend, a potential lover.. there was an innocent hope but not well-thought out.. an idea, a hope, and unclear dream of possiblity.

Then he said he'd be interested in more, and asked me what I thought..

The dream suddenly died, and reality came crashing in. All his expectations hit me at once, I thought about having to fulfill them. It was like being hit with a ton of bricks. I couldn't breathe, and my eyes started to fill with tears.

I told him it was too soon to tell. But in all honesty, I don't see things working out. It would be great if they did. He would want to get married relatively soon and start a family together. He'd be a fantastic father, and possibly a great lover (if we can come to some compromises, I do know that the sex would never be boring).

But all I can see right now is feeling pressured to do things his way, and feeling compromised, trapped, and resentful. The things of which spousal murders are made.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

2010-04-23T20:26:00.000-05:00

The other night I went out with some friends. These are newish friends and are a lot of fun.

So anyway, they invite their friends. I invite my friends. Its a friends of friends of friends party essentially.

And I meet men. Plural.

As statistics go, it was about normal. Most were married. Some were gay. A few were single.

One of the married men is a friend of mine already. We've been flirting innocently for months. I've met his wife and think she's pretty awesome... well when she's not on a soapbox.. but then I suppose I'm not all that awesome when I'm on mine either. They're a great couple though, and the flirting is just a little fun. Though I have to say, should he suddenly be single.. that might change. (insert sly wink here)

I do have to say though that when she joked about trading him in for a younger model, I nearly grabbed him and put a dibs on him myself. I was a little tipsy at the time. Luckily just a little tipsy. He's taken. I get it and I admire it. Doesn't make him any less eye candy though.

The gay guy was well.. wow. He wasn't over the top gay. Just looking at him he looked like any ordinary completely gorgeous manly athletic straight man. Seriously HOT. And then he spoke.

He didn't have a huge lisp or a feminine voice really, so it wasn't a huge giveaway to the general public. However, he was all about "fabulous" with the appropriate inflections, and friendly in a platonic fun way that only happily married men and men who completely aren't interested in you and have no concerns at all that you might be. He was fun and engaging, and I soooo want him.. as my new best friend. :)

However almost immediately after entering the bar, I noticed this guy. He was dressed like I like em. Button down shirt, slacks, nice shoes. Yes I totally get off on business attire. Shut up.

He however looked like he was good friends maybe more with a friend of mine. So I backed off initially. He was buying her drinks and I assumed they were together.

We talked a bit about his job which is unrelated to anything I do, and Hock immediately was in his wallet and giving me his card. I didn't ask for it nor did I show extra interest in what he did thus provoking a card. He just gave me one.

This got my thoughts going, and I started doubting that they were more than friends. Maybe I was crazy, but I felt slightly hit on. I shrugged it off and moved on to mingle elsewhere.

My girl friends however were way ahead of me drinking. They were off flirting and groping strange men and men they knew.

"So you're having a butt grabbing game?"

"Yes, you should join us! Go grope someone.." they replied as they scoped the room looking for a victim for me.

"Umm I'm way not drunk enough for that yet. Let me go catch up."

Thus the tone of the night was set, and I got tipsy despite all efforts at self-control. Ok, there wasn't much effort at self-control.

I mingled. I flirted. Single. Married. Gay. I flirted, and I drank.

Then I ran into Hock again. This time we talked more, played bar games together, and flirted.

We drifted apart each mingling in different areas of the bar, and met up again. Flirted, and I wrapped my arm around his waist. He put his arm around me.

This is where things got fuzzy. Up until this point, I wasn't sure if he was or was not into me. He was laid back, relaxed, and non-aggressive. I normally assume this to be not interested.

However our exchange while our bodies were close and touching was anything but platonic. He'd mentioned several times in absolute seriousness that he was just out for fun right now. I got the impression that there was more to it, some kind of lingering pain or psychosis that he'd not worked through yet. But fun.. sounded fun.

He asked if I wanted to take this somewhere else. I honestly can't remember if the question was go somewhere else like another bar, or if it was a go have sex question. I know I answered it as the latter.

"How about your place?"

"Ok. Let me close out."

He was sweet and polite, and it confused me. I think I might be a little jaded. I waited while he went to the bar to close out.

He was polite the entire way out. We left arm in arm and he walked me back to my car as he told me his address. Not once did he ask for my number. So I assumed this was one night stand fun. I'd already figured that out by his mention of just wanting to have fun.

He then began to "sell" me on himself in an awkward insecure kind of way. Essentially telling me that he's more than financially sound, and talking about his political beliefs (which were sexy btw)... I honestly felt like telling him..

"Dude I'm in this for the sex. Your trust funds, stock portfolio, or whatever matter not. You said fun, not dating. Are you changing your mind now?"

But I didn't. I merely told him that his finances mattered not at all to me.

We get to my car and we kiss. He's a good kisser, but kind. Gentle. I know I'm a good kisser, and I know I know how to provoke a man into being an animal. So I tried. We were getting hot and heavy, but the more I tried to provoke him the more docile he seemed to get, and the more turned on.

I admit having power over a man sexually is pretty damn awesome, but on a one night stand kind of fun thing.. I'm not used to being in charge. I'd much rather the guy pin me to the wall and take me. But the more I tried to encourage it, the less it seemed to happen.

At one point I even remarked to him about it, hinting that I thought he was taking the backseat, being a submissive, or whatever. If he'd have verbally owned it, I'd have taken charge.. but he insisted that he could be the animal just not in the public setting we were in. He promised if I came to his place that he'd show me.

So after about an hour or so of making out and causing a public scene. More than once being told to "get a room". No clothes came off.. just kissing. I told him I'd meet him at his place. I reminded him that he didn't have my number, and he replied with, "well you have my card right?"

Weird.

So I go to meet him at his place but stop off at my apt quickly first to freshen up. My makeup is all over the place and my nose was beet red from his 5 o'clock shadow. I needed some major fixing. I also slipped on some sexy lingerie.

I also felt my "illness" acting up.. the one I've mentioned in previous posts. Its actually a "condition" not an illness, so not communicable.. but nevertheless I took my meds and hoped that would put an end to the symptoms and let me have a good couple hours of sex. He promised just a fun thing, so I figured I just needed to be symptom-free for a few hours.

I get to his place. He apologizes for its state (which is cleaner than my place btw). We resume kissing and find our way to the bedroom.

What happened was not what I was prepared for.. and maybe you readers can help me by letting me know if this is normal or if I'm crazy.

I tease and taunt, but still he's being docile and sweet. I began to wonder where this animal in him was hiding and if I was ever going to see it. I initiated him taking his clothes off and he did. I took my outer clothes off and left my lingerie and bra on, he never bothered to take off either one and left it completely up to me. I don't know if I'd have left them on if he'd ever have initiated me removing them. As it was, it was I that initiated and removed my own bra and panties, but the lacy camisole stayed on out of my own curiosity if he'd ask me to remove it. He did not. It was strange being so in charge of everything. Yet he told me constantly how hot I was and how sexy he found me.

He was sweet the whole time, so much so that it tugged at my heart and I thought about dating him. He'd mentioned that he'd not done this in a long time, and the way he said it made me believe him.

The sex was awkward. He would get going. I'd get going, and just as I was really getting going, he'd stop. He did this once, twice, threetimes.. I started to get very fucking annoyed. So I asked him about it, and he said he was doing it on purpose to tease me..

"I wondered when you'd notice"

Seriously wanted to beat him, but he knocked it off and go going. Still it felt more like we were trying to make love rather than fuck. It was weird. The roughest he got was with sucking/biting my neck, which he ended up giving me a hickey.

When we were finished, he wanted talk. Chat. Chit Chat. Converse. He wanted me to ask him about himself. To get to know him. WTF? After sex, I'm lucky to be able to form words. He told me how beautiful and sexy I was. (He did amit after sex that his whole starting/stopping thing wasn't intentional. I didn't ask for more details but I should have.)

Then he wanted to cuddle. Really cuddle. Not just that after sex little cuddling thing, but cuddle like you would in a real relationship. Sweetly.

My head was seriously trying to wrap my mind around it. I wanted to lecture him that he can choose "fun" or a "relationship" but he really needs to be more clear about what he wants.

He wanted me to spend the night. He wanted to sleep cuddling. I tried to acquiesce but I am not a sleeping cuddler. I'll cuddle. I'll sleep. But unless I'm dead tired, I don't do both at the same time.. especially not without being in a real relationship.

Finally I tell him that I need to sleep and I roll away. He falls asleep before I do, and starts snoring. Adorably he sleeps with a pillow over his face to muffle the sound. Seriously how adorable is that?

Then my "condition" started acting up. I could feel it was going to be bad. My stomach started to hurt, and I was going to need to use the restroom. More than that though, I was holding onto a fart that was going to be huge... if it was just a fart, might be more disgusting than that.

There was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to let it go at his place. He was sweet and nice, and if I wanted any hope of this happening again or possibly some kind of relationship thing in the future... I needed to go home. But I also didn't want to be that person that ditches someone.

I had to wake him up, and I felt like a bitch for doing. I tossed all sorts of reasons of why I couldn't stay around my head. Telling him I had a huge fart was not going to happen.

So I woke him telling him that I couldn't sleep and needed to go home. He insisted I could sleep there, pleading. I insisted that I needed to go home.

I felt like an ass.

He got up and showed me out. Giving me a tender hug and a kiss as we said our goodbyes.

He still didn't ask for my number. I did email him the next day with a thank you and my number. We've text flirted a bit since and hinting at doing it again someday.

But this was not what I'd call a "fun thing", and I get the impression that he's much more of a relationship man. Maybe I'm wrong.

Gimme A Naked Man

2010-04-20T17:52:00.000-05:00

So I went out last night. It was a friend's birthday party, Crissy, and so it was an obligation as well as I needed to get out.

I'd love to pretend for you all that I've not written because I've been extremely busy dating and going out and meeting people, but that would be lies. Instead, I've been battling some very painful sickness, which at one point had me seriously considering suicide. I know, scared the hell out of me too. So I've not really been out much at all, and have been hermitting to a point of extremely scary. When you're sick, you just don't feel social unless you're one of those girls that likes people to feel sorry for her and bring her soup and fluff her pillows. I'm much too independant for that. My arm could be cut off and I'd still want to do the tournequet myself. You actually know I'm desperately ill (aka get worried) when I actually request help or let you do things for me.

So I've not been social lately, partly because I didn't want to, and partly because I didn't want people to see me like that. Yes, I have my vanity. So I haven't had much to write about or much want to write really.

But I've been feeling a little better, and for the last few days, had an extreme need to go out and be social... if nothing else have a drink.

So I went to Chrissy's birthday bash. I get there just in time to see Chrissy in a conga line with several others. Yeah, it was gunna be a good night baby!

There were about 20-30 people there as part of Chrissy's group and I met maybe 10 of them. A few of the girls I knew from before and were ok, but a couple of the new girls.. well.. lets say wow. (yes, thats not a good wow)

So the "cool" people were all hanging out and catching up on each others lives. Whats new.. whats old.. and Ooo did you hear.. While listening to music, doing a jig, and drinking.

We then moved the party over to the karaoke room. A few of us gathering at tables to watch the show. We're joking and laughing and parts of the party were staying for a few then leaving then coming and leaving..

Then this attractive man shows up. Sees me. Smiles, and comes over jokes with me and sits down next to me.

He's dressed well, showing he has some taste other than tshirts and jeans, but not dressed well enough to set off my douchebag sensors.

For Chrissy's birthday, someone had given her a small leather flogger. Getty was holding it and playing with it next to me and Wade (the attractive man next to me).

Seriously, introduce a flogger to a group of drunk people and you'll never look at any of them the same way again. I promise.

I teased Getty about her being a masochist since she kept hitting herself with it (not hard, just tapping it against her side), and she informed me that she had one at home. Boggle. Though I really should not be surprised, I was.

I do not have a flogger yet, but I assure you I will soon.

So Wade jumps in the conversation, half teasing Getty, but full on flirting with me. After my month or more of hermitville, I was surprised and flattered, and more than willing to flirt back.

This broke out my evil side. Most people don't realize (at least right away) that I am truely evil. Sure sure, I may sound and look a little too reserved or be a little too goody goody.. but I am all about encouraging others to do things they shouldn't.

Wade watched in amusement as I prodded Getty into using the flogger more seriously, and on other people. Random men walking by.. "Oh he looks like he's been a very bad boy.. Getty, you know he needs a little spanking.."

The evil glimmer in my eye was sparkling brightly and Wade was eating it up. Then I turned Getty on him. Telling him that he looked like he needed a little something, that he wanted to be spanked. I even teased that I could do it properly.

He squirmed in his chair and discouraged Getty and pleaded with me to stop encouraging her. I just grinned evilly, and winked at him.

"I'm sorry, I'm evil. I can't help it. And you do look like you're in need of it."

He flashed me a smile, and a look that said "If only I could put you over my knee."

Then Mr. DrunkenPants happened, and Getty went to help him. He was supposedly part of our group. He was about 30? and so drunk that he was nauseated.

This interupted our sexy banter, but also left Wade and I alone to talk. The song turned country, and I mentioned to Wade that I found it strange how much of the karaoke picks were country music. (Most Austin karaoke seems to be rock btw) He responded that he liked country music and asked what I liked. I flirtingly responded that I liked a bit of everything.

I told him that I grew up on country music (I did) and had a bit of nostalgic love for it. He wanted to know what kind. The old twang or the new more rock-like country. I said both, and told him about my college years going to country bars to dance two-step.

He heard two-step, and insisted that I go dance with him. There was no saying no (Seriously sexy), despite my pleading that I did not have dancing shoes on. I had on purpose worn flipflops that would make dancing difficult so I wouldn't be tempted to go club dance with Chrissy and injure my knees. I didn't expect anyone showing up to like to country dance. Next time I'll know better.

So he whisks me off to the dance floor. I'm stepping on toes and having trouble following.

1. because I'm rusty with my two-step.

2. the song was two-step in double time (like two-step on fast forward)

3. I'm concentrating on not losing my shoes.

But I managed to pull it off, and we had a great dance.

As we walked off the dance floor, he held my hand, moving his fingers to interlace with mine. I did not want to return to our group. I was all "take me home now buddy". (yeah its been a while since I've had sex, stop judging me) :)

As we get a few feet off the dance floor, we both seem to realize that we've just met and realize we're holding hands, fingers interlaced, and we stop holding hands. It was one of those moments.. like being drunk in a dark bar and kissing someone, and then when they turn the lights on to go home, you realize just how much you're in public.

We walked back to the group together. Talking and flirting. When we'd returned, Getty shot me a look like "you go girl"... then drunk girl happened.

This girl who honestly looked trashy, was drunk and Getty had witnessed her doing a full on makeout session in the other room with some guy, returned to our group and latched herself onto Wade pushing me away. Wade looked at me pleadingly to help him.

I tried, but she would not be swayed. She was quite intent on owning Wade, and he was nicely trying to extract her. The more I tried, the more closely she clung. Wade all the while appologizing to me, and complaining about her.

It was then that I was informed that our group was being kicked out because Mr. DrunkenPants had puked on the floor. (Seriously, it was like college deja vu)

We were all meeting at another place. A strip joint.

I'd been warned about this prior to going to the party that the night would end at a local strip joint. Since I'd never been to one before, I decided it might be a good time to go check it out.

Wade was being responsible and trying to arrange rides for those who were too drunk to drive. Since I was stone cold sober, I offered my services. Mostly I offered them because I didn't want drunkgirl trying to go with him in his car, and partly because I was hoping that he'd take up the offer himself. He unfortunately was completely sober too, but he did jump on my offer to take drunkgirl. He was very consistent in his not wanting to be with her.

So after what seemed like hours of trying to manipulate drunk people.. drunkgirl got in my car (put there by Wade himself) and Getty drove the Mr Drunkenpants car to his place about a mile away and I was to pick her up there.

As I take off, Drunkgirl starts telling me about Wade, revealing to me that she and Wade are good friends. She and Mr DrunkenPants are also good friends. It was myself and Getty that were the new people to the group.

At this news, I was no longer very happy with Wade. If she was really his friend, it was his responsiblity to take her drunk ass home.. not mine. The more she talked, the more I realized. I am quite certain that Wade and her are FWB friends, and his displeasure stemmed less from revulsion of her and more of being pissed that she'd f'd things up for him with anyone else.

I really try not to judge people, but I fail all the time. After seeing this girl, I'm not sure I want any penis that's been near her to be anywhere near me. I'm quite sure Wade has no idea what hill he'll have to climb to get back on my good side. He may even need a full delousing as well as a note from his doctor.

Drunkgirl also entertains me with stories about how she's not that drunk, despite claiming that she doesn't know where she lives, and that she walks like the world is tilting from side to side. She was dressed in clothes that were obviously too small for her that made me wonder what industrial strength thread was holding up the seams. She tells me got divorced 3 yrs ago as proof that this is just a one time thing, an emotional release. I refrain from telling her that my ex left me a litttle over a year ago, and I just signed papers letting him sell the house so him and his girlfriend can go buy a new lovenest closer to the city.

She repeats that she's not that drunk. At least 20 times on the way to pick up Getty.

At Mr DrunkenPant's place, Getty is still trying to pry him out of his car. She's being too damn nice, I think, but thats Getty. So I get out and tell Drunkgirl to get out and help her friend into his house. She doesn't move.

I am by this point lividly pissed at the entire situation.

Mr. DrunkenPant's is complaining about me that he doesn't know me or Getty. (Dear Mr. DrunkenPants, When getting drunk, make sure you have at least one friend who'll drive you home. And don't complain about the niceness of strangers. Thanks) So I go get Drunkgirl and tell her that her friend is complaining that he doesn't know us and I point blank tell her to get her ass out of my car and help him.

She does. Finally.

She leads Mr. DrunkenPants to his bathroom, and I try to snag Getty to get her to leave with me so we can ditch both of them there. Getty insists she needs to obey Mr DrunkenPant's wishes and calls the place where his daughter is staying asking them to keep her overnight. (Its midnight, I think they've already figured that out. But she calls anyway.)

So as soon she can, Drunkengirl runs back out to my car and plants herself in it. No choice but to take her with us.

We finally take off to go to the Cabaret, and half the ride there Drunkgirl is telling us she's not that drunk, and that she's a responsible person. I stop myself from telling her she's overselling it. She then gets out her phone and calls Wade. (Yes they are good friends. Asshole.) She then proceeds to bitch out Wade for putting her in a car with strangers.

I correct her "No no.. we're strange bitches."

She tells him, and continues on her rant calling us strangers and how dare he...

I correct her again.. "No no.. we are psychotic crazy women"

She tells him that exactly. (Hey I have to get some fun out of this)

We arrive at the Cabaret and she's still on the phone with him. She doesn't exit the car.

"Please get out of my car so I can lock it."

She grumbles and gets out. I lock the car and run off toward the entrance with Getty. Drunkengirl follows, but never actually enters the establishment.

We presume she doesn't have the $10 cover.

Due to all the shenanigans, Getty and I are late and we've lost half the party. Wade is no where to be seen, so I can't even bitch at him myself.

So Getty and I find our own corner and sit down. I watch the show trying to simmer down and have fun. This is my first time at a strip club, so I wanted to relax and watch and see what all the commotion is about.

What I'm seeing is a combination of gymnastics, high heels, and no clothes.. plus a few moves you can see on any club dance floor anywhere. A couple girls were talented and impressive, but most were merely flexible girls showing their goods. B O R I N G.

Now I might be more entertained had there been a couple nearly naked men doing it, but if I want to see tities shake I can do that in my mirror at home. Thats at least more fun because I can challenge myself to get them to shake in different ways or do different things.. But there was no challenge and no fun to be had.

It didn't help any that I was tired I'm sure.

Getty however was all into it. I really think she's gay (for more reasons than just this btw), but she has to realize that herself. She was oohing and ahhing over the girls.. or at least some girls.. and even got a lap dance. Even though the lap dance was happening right next to me, I got distracted by the lights or something, because I only saw a bit of it and then when I looked back the girl was putting her clothes back on. It has become glaringly obvious to me that women are not my thing.

Despite my family's confusion once in thinking that I and my best friend were lesbian lovers, and despite that sometimes men piss me off to the point of wanting to give up on men completely... I just have never had a thing for women. My friends and I have never had girly snuggling sessions. I've never kissed a girl nor have I been tempted to. The closest to gay I've gotten was when I was 8 or 10 or something and a girlfriend came over for a sleepover. She convinced me to play a doctor type thing, where we sucked on each others nipples. It seemed weird at the time and meant absolutely nothing. It felt like the equivalent of being licked in the face by my dog. A little bit of Eww.

I've never really understood some girls' draw to each other for physical affection, kissing, teasing, playing, or sex. I'm just not wired that way.

Now.. give me a naked man.. Thats a whole different story.

SXSW: Twitter, Dating, & Douches

2010-04-15T18:03:00.000-05:00

The remainder of SXSW was relatively uneventful. The dating bloggers and I never met up. That made me sad, and a little angry, but c'est la vie.

I did get to meet the guy who decided not to have me on his dating panel. It was all about using Twitter for dating, and advice and discussion of that.

After two seconds of entering the panel room I understood why I wasn't on it.

1. He's the biggest douchebag.

2. She was one of those tiny digital prima-donnas.

Ok.. so I'm being judgy.

I just got a little miffed when someone asked for advice on what photo to use to help them increase dating interest. The panel let people in the audience answer and give advice.. but the minute I referenced OkCupid's research on the best photos to use in online dating.. I was interrupted.

It did not matter that I was expressing research on what photos people found the most attractive and approachable.. no no.. I mentioned "online dating". I was summarily told that this was not "Online Dating", and I was so shocked by the rudeness and obvious "WTF crack are you on" situation that I just sat there with my mouth open and silent for a few minutes as they moved on to someone else.

Dear Douchebag,

Twitter is online. You're discussing dating on it. Thus this is online dating. Sure sure twitter is not solely purposed as an online dating site, but make no mistake, its online dating.

One of the great things though about using Twitter for dating is that you can get a better sense of what that person is like than you would on an online dating site. On Twitter you get to see how they interact with others. Are they universally friendly? Do they play favorites? Are they childish and block people for silly things? Are they only tweeting at midnight, or is it an all day thing (aka are they an addict)?

Twitter can reveal much more about you than most sites.. but if you're using it to date.. you're doing online dating.

So.. please remove that elitist stick from your rectum.

Thanks,

Maruska

I did try to introduce myself to him after the panel and say hi.. remind him who I was, etc. He would have none of it, and didn't care to even say hi. I was totally ignored. We're "Friends" on Facebook, WTF? I wasn't expecting a hug and kiss and a huge "we need to catch up" party, but for fuck's sake at least acknowledge that I'm a human being.

So I decided to pester him whenever I saw him the rest of the conference. Seriously, if I saw him, I'd make a point to say hello to him all excited as if we knew each other really well and haven't seen each other in ages. After the first 24 hours, I could tell he was just a little freaked out by it (I was seriously making scenes by yelling his name across the crowded hallways, and he was giving me wide berths). Pretty certain he thought I was some kind of stalker with a crush. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

So Monday night rolls around and I head to a party with some local friends. I enter and find my friends and right next to them is Mr Douchebag. So I turn to one of the guys in my group, and I start sounding off about how much that guy is a douchebag and why. (Mr Douchebag is not from Austin. It was a crowded bar, so I figured it was circumstance that he was there not that he was being social with my group) My friend turns to me, and says:

"Him?"

"Yes.. the douche who just went up the stairs"

"Oh he's a good guy. I used to work with him."

I wanted to crawl in a hole. I went off about this guy to the only person in my entire circle in Austin who possibly could have known this guy. Great! Turns out they were pretty good pals.

Funny thing though.. after inserting my foot way far into my mouth.. my friend yelled to the douchebag, who had moved across the room, to say something unrelated to him, and the douchebag then saw that I was friends with his friend.

The entire remainder of SXSW, if I saw Douchebag.. it was he who would smile and say hi to me.

F ' ing Prick.