Damaged

I think I might be crazy. Really. Yesterday I had a relatively innocent conversation with a guy online and I started crying. Not in a bad way, but in a relieved sort of way.

I looked back over the conversation later trying to find the point that set me off, and couldn't find one. It was simply just a regular conversation between two people talking about their lives, and briefly mentioning their divorces.

I think it was the briefly mentioning the divorces that got me initially. I rarely talk about my ex any more, and bringing up those memories tends to bring up some of my issues.

I remember we ended up talking about sex and how towards the end of his marriage he wasn't getting any. (He wasn't mentioning it in a creepy I need sex kinda way, but in a discussion about how dating has changed it was a brief mention) So I mentioned that I understood it since the last 4 yrs of my marriage was completely sexless.

Looking back, I can't believe I went that long without sex as if it was just something normal. I'd accepted it as part of my life and how my marriage just was. It wasn't my decision really, but something that just developed because of unresolved issues on his part.

It wasn't until we separated that I started to truly grasp just how messed up all that time had made me. How much I'd sacrificed needlessly. How much of myself I'd shut down and turned off. I was a husk of a woman really.

Talking to this gentleman about it, even ever so briefly, brought back to mind all those emotions and feelings.. and even the slightest thought that someone somewhere might actually understand what I went through.. thats when the tears let loose.

Its just one of the things I gave up for my marriage.. just one. Is it any wonder that when people try to get me to give up anything now that I run like the wind?

I've actually met some great guys, but they all want me to change something, or give something or compromise something. Whether its give up too much of my free time, or be free whenever they think I should, or dress a certain way, or grow my hair out, or cut my hair, or get a tan, or simply paint my toenails a different color.. it doesn't matter. The minute I feel constricted is the minute I want out.

I've tasted freedom, and I like it. I like it a lot!