Monday, September 21, 2009

Online Intuition: Don't Ignore It

In some ways Online Dating has a leg up on meeting someone organically, and most of that has to do with reading someone's profile and the brief (sometimes not so brief) communication that happens prior to meeting them offline. You get to know their interests, politics, and an idea of the kind of relationship they're wanting. You also get a taste of how they communicate and what verbiage they're prone to using. Do they speak in sports metaphors or continuously quote movies?


Once you've been around online communication long enough though you start to also pick up on other things such as tone, and subtle hints at their true personality. This online intuition should not be ignored, but added into everything else you know about them to make a better educated decision on compatibility (and sometimes safety).


Last week I was messaged by a guy. He seemed nice according to his profile. He was working a not so great job, but he had one and in today's world just having one is a huge thing. He didn't seem afraid of work, and from what I could tell his only downfall was his love of cats (he has one). (My view on cats I'll have to put in a different post, but for now lets leave it at that I'm allergic).


Then I noticed his emails. The first one was mild, but the next couple messages he sent had a massive undertone of anger. None of it aimed at me, but at the city, the country, the world. He was angry with OkStupid, and the dates he'd found through there. He even admitted that he'd had 3 first dates and no second dates. He was uber-honest in his emails and that plus he sounded pleasant on the phone is what made me ignore the intuition.


Our first date went well and I got a small taste of how vast his anger was and its direction as he lectured me about some conspiracy theory he had about politics and banks being in control. He listed instances and facts to back it up, most of which I'd not heard of nor did I care to hear it then. With a few of his views, I'd written him off as not being something long term, but I thought I'd give him a chance at something short-term and fun.


We left the restaurant after going "dutch" on the meal. I figured since I wasn't that into him and he had a shitty job; I might take pity on his budget. And he followed me to a nearby dive bar for a beer and more talk.


It was his saving grace that we didn't talk much at the bar. Instead he complimented by looks, and stared into my eyes. Yes my eyes, not my breasts, not some other chick's chest.. but my eyes.


Next thing I know, I want to kiss him. The bar closes. We go outside and kiss. He kissed like a man in love. It wasn't just passionate 'get-your-clothes-off' kissing, but a seduction rare on first dates. I saw us lasting years, having kids, picket fences, kids, and sitting around in our old age. I scolded myself for such thoughts remembering well the anger speech from earlier, but I couldn't help thinking them when he kissed me.


Nearly 3 hours later we go home. It was a fantastic make out session that I've not had since.. well probably my early college years. We were making quite the scene in the parking lot. I assured him that we weren't having sex, so once our lips got too chapped to continue we went home to our own beds with the promise of seeing each other the next night.


I was somewhat excited to see him again. I debated in my head the whole chemistry vs angry man thing. It's hard to find good mutual chemistry, but I really cannot be around that much negativity either. So I decided that when we met again we'd talk more.


I should have just not talked to him. I would barely get two words in before he'd interrupt me. (I'm told by my east coast friend that does it too that its an east coast thing) So I just listened to him with little commentary. He went on and on for an hour complaining about everything. People mostly. Lack on intelligence. How he's open-minded and no one else is. He talked about abortion and how you should be able to get one at any grocery store, quick in and out. He then talked about me.


He asked about my timeline and how long I'd been married and when it'd ended. Then went on to say that I was still on the rebound (to which my head said: Maybe I am if I'm still sitting here with you). His 2 yr relationship just ended 7 months ago, but he's obviously over that despite his mentioning her and what she did to him 3 times within 24 hours. He then said he was afraid that I was like her. She'd been raped and still had issues with it. He was actually upset with her for not getting over it.


So I interrupted him and told him that .. well yeah.. I had some sexual issues. I was orally raped when I was 18 or was it 19? No matter.. and that I had issues with giving a blow job. He looked at me like "how could you not have gotten over that?" and said "Well I'm sorry that happened to you, but thats going to be a big problem" then continued on about how much he loves them and how its all just part of foreplay. Then he saw my face "That you don't even think its a big part just shows me that this is going to be a problem."


I shut down after that. It was all I could do not to cry. He didn't ask or even want to know how much I'd healed or why I hadn't. Took me several years to be alone with a guy with our clothes off. For many years it just never came up or if it did I'd say I didn't want to and the guy would just go with it. It wasn't really until I was 26 and met a guy that I really wanted to marry that I trusted a guy enough to try. He knew about my past and I cautioned him against touching me while I did it. He forgot and touched my head caressing my hair. Next thing I knew I was crying and curled up in a ball. I couldn't stop even though I saw on my boyfriend's face just how much my reaction was hurting him and how sorry he was. It was a long distance relationship so I never got to try again with him as things ended for other reasons.


After him, the guys I dated could have cared less about a blow job. Sure if I'd have wanted to, they might have let me, but if they didn't care and preferred actual sex who was I to complain? I'd rather just have sex anyway. My ex-husband actually hated blow jobs. He'd had some traumatic thing happen with a blow job once. I think teeth was the issue. But he'd never wanted me to do it, and the one time I suggested trying he actually shriveled up and said no.


Since then I've not been with anyone I trusted enough to try, and I really don't see Mr. Negative as earning my trust any day soon. He's already set it out as something I'll have to do to keep him. I really don't need that pressure, thanks.


We parted about an hour after this incident. I have no idea what was said. We hugged goodbye, and he held on for a long time. I don't know why. Maybe he knew he'd hurt me and was trying to apologize?


The funny part looking back. He's a huge proponent of abortion (says its saved him from child support and rug rats), despite the fact that he was a baby adoption. Is he subconsciously trying to commit suicide?



He still emails me. Asking how I am and telling me about his day. I reply courteously but without encouragement. I'll be screening my dates much better from now on.

5 comments:

  1. Interrupting is an east coast thing?! What? Not where I come from it isn't! It is a bad fucking manners self righteous egotistical thing!

    So sorry to hear about your trauma. No guy is worth that kinda pain...for god's sake, you might get lockjaw in the middle of the act.

    (hope this made you grimace a half-smile)

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  2. Hmm good point.. maybe I should threaten lockjaw next time it comes up. :)

    And good to hear that interrupting is bad manners where you're from. I've an ex-friend from Boston who interrupts often, a friend from NY who interrupts me all the fucking time (she says its part of the east coast thing)..

    I have an ex that lived in Philly, and I don't recall it being a problem with him.

    *shrugs*

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  3. Awww buck up milkshake. There are good ones out there. I like to think I'm a decent guy even if I am a godless heathen.

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  4. Let me start by saying I'm so sorry to hear about your past trauma but I appreciate you sharing. I certainly agree with you about this guy. What a utter and complete ass. Some men just don't have the capacity to understand past their own selfish needs and desires. So I guess it was better you found out sooner than later.

    And I'm with Jersey on this one...lockjaw can be a very dangerous thing! XOXO

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  5. Good one on Intuition and it helps a lot.

    Thanks,
    Karim - Mind Power

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