Insecurities and White Coats

First, I'd like to thank everyone for their helpful advice about Mac and for not outright calling me psychotic. :)

I'm not going to write off Mac yet, but I'm still leery.

Partly I'm leery because my alarm bells are going off, which I'm not usually that far off the mark... Ignoring alarm bells is what got me into the marriage from hell, so I'm cautious.

As I got to thinking about it yesterday, after viewing things from other's perspectives and going back and reading our text history... My alarm bells were set off by two things.

1. His leaving in the middle of conversations and not bothering to text me back a response in any kind of timely fashion. (Change in pattern)

2. We had been playing a subtle cat/mouse game where anytime the conversation got near anything obviously sexual, one of us would steer the conversation away from it. Usually him. It had made me feel safe, and that he wanted to get to know me. Then last week he changed that game by conversing obviously sexual every time we talked. (Change in pattern)

I was told that I'm "over-thinking and overreacting" and I may be. I probably am.

I want to trust Mac. I do. I should just relax and enjoy  the ride, but I'm terrified I'm going to get obliterated.

Partly, I'm insecure because I really like him which ups the stakes.

Partly, I'm insecure because I have no idea wtf he's doing with me. My own insecurities.

On a scale of hotness, Mac is about 8-9.  If he was a little taller (he's maybe 5'10 optimistically) he'd be a 10. He's physically fit, muscular without being body builder yucky, smart, driven, well-traveled, funny, and communicative for a man. He honestly could have any woman he wanted... or at least most women.

I on the other hand, am an acquired taste. Back in my "youth", I used to be able to get guys to approach me from across the bar.. any guy I wanted. I was also quite a bit skinnier then.  For someone my size, I'm smoking hot.  But thats for someone my size, and with my clothes on.  Clothes off.. is a whole different story.

My friends say I'm too harsh on myself and that I'm gorgeous. They're my friends they're supposed to say that. But if anyone knew my actual weight, they'd suddenly "understand".  I look about 50-75 pounds less than I actually weigh.

I think I'm honest about my "hotness" level.. and would place myself on the hotness scale as about a 6.  For some with skinny-girl-fetish, I'd be a 3-4. For people with a fat-girl-fetish, I'd be about a 8-9.

I just don't see Mac as having a fat girl fetish.  So I don't understand what in the world he's doing with me.

This reminds me a lot of an ex-boyfriend. One of those that "got away" per se. His name was Charlie. (seriously thats his real name - If you know Charlie, please let me know where he is, I'd love to see him again)

Charlie was drop dead gorgeous. He was constantly hit on by every hot girl in town, and could get laid anywhere anytime by almost any girl.  Suave, charming, sexy... He actually bared a resemblance to the "Marlboro Man" with his chiseled features, dark hair, and heart-stopping blue eyes.

And he wanted me.

Back then, I was much "lighter" and pretty sexy, even though he was obviously way hotter than me. (Seriously, the girls were like "Wtf is he doing with her?")  He and I got along famously personality wise and just being around Charlie was enough to make me smile.

It was actually during my "Waiting til Marriage" virginity phase, so he wasn't with me to get laid... though we spent most nights together. He actually promised me that he'd never try to have sex with me. He was dead serious and kept his word. (He actually said that when I did have sex I would want it all the time.. he wasn't far off.) I felt truly safe with him.

He was a functional alcoholic, though I didn't know it until we'd been together for two months. He'd said something along the lines of being accused of always drinking.

I replied with, "What? I've never seen you drunk."

He replied "Honey, you've never seen me sober"

To be honest, while I knew alcoholism is bad, I didn't care. I loved him, and would have stood by him through anything.

A month or so later he took a job out of state and we broke up. Sadly, one of my best and most healthy relationships ever was with an alcoholic. He always made me feel beautiful and safe and wanted.

While we were together, he gave me one of his jackets. It smelled like him and so I never washed it for years until the smell of him finally left it. I still have it.

I never did understand why Charlie was with me, and if things work out with Mac, I'm fairly sure I'll never understand why he's with me either.

But I suppose I should just chill and let the ride take me.. Wherever it leads.