We all like to judge. We judge ourselves. We judge others. We even sometimes enlist other people to judge us.. because we obviously don't get enough judgement throughout our day.. or we hope the verdict will be different.We tie ourselves into knots, and we enlist the help of others in this as well.
No where is this more prevalent than in dating. We are constantly bombarded with "do this" and "don't do that" .. that by the time we actually manage to find someone to accompany us, we've got ourselves convinced that we are other than we are.
Some of us convince ourselves we're more of a catch than we are. Our perfect maintenance. Our perfect manners. Our perfect set of rules and regulations.
Others of us convince ourselves that we're not a catch at all. We have too much hair or not enough, imperfect teeth, undesirable bodies, horrid careers.. and so on. We convince ourselves that we aren't social adept enough or interesting enough. We chide ourselves as losers for not being able to follow simple "rules" of dating.
Whats even worse than this.. is that we ask others to bolster these opinions. We specifically choose to go to people who we know (darn good and well) will give us the praise or tongue-lashing that we feel we deserve.
This post by Moxieinthecity has been bugging me for days, and I've come to the conclusion of why.. or conclusions maybe?
To start.. I'll be honest. My first reaction to Moxie's post was offense. I felt judged, because like the poster.. I've had sex on the first date. I like sex. I give in occasionally to the moment.. sometimes encouraged by TOM (hormones are evil) and alcohol (decreases my inhibitions, aka makes me horny). I don't necessarily think this is something that should be held against me.. though I fully understand that often it is.. and I sometimes worry about men's intentions after the fact. Are they going to call? If they call are they only calling for a bootycall?
But thats not why it stuck with me. I fully grasp that by sleeping with said person I've made my choice to take a huge risk that he won't want to see me again. (In my past, I did this often out of self-sabotage. I figured he'd leave once he got sex, might as well make it sooner than later.)
Why it stuck with me was this... I related to.. and felt sorry for.. the girl.
I felt sorry for her because she was so full of self-doubt that it was hampering her ability to just enjoy her choices. Instead of embracing her choice to have sex, she was beating herself up, and judging herself for it. Running doomsday scenarios of why he was calling rather than finding out for herself.
Secondly, I felt sorry for her.. because not only was she judging herself.. she actively sought out Moxie to help tongue-lash her... and Moxie did.
Moxie let her have it in ways that .. well.. make me want to find the OP and give her a hug.
To me this says... if you have sex on the first date, don't bother trying to be anything to him other than a bootycall. Which is wrong.. so wrong.. Sure sure.. sex on the first date does decrease the chances in most men's minds that you'll ever be more than casual.. but not all men. If he really likes you, sex on the first date isn't going to matter (trust me I've got a couple marriage proposals to prove it).
Sending a "thank you" text the next day.. is good etiquette. Just is. Always.
I just wish we could stop beating each other up. Stop beating ourselves up, for things that come naturally and are consensual. Whether we like it or not, we have to deal with the consequences.. and when it comes to sex.. those consequences aren't always what we expected. Sometimes they're good, and sometimes they're disaster.. but they're always unpredictable.Enjoy your life.. Take each day as it comes.
I say, never undertake a decision without having thought ahead to possible consequences. Is this overthinking? For some, perhaps. But I find that when I do this, when I stop and think for a moment, and then make my choice, I'm much less conflicted and much happier in the end. If I'm going to have a no-strings romp in the hay, I've looked ahead to the consequence that I might not ever hear from that guy again. As long as I'm OK with that as a possible outcome, I'm good to go. And what anyone else thinks really doesn't matter. I think when someone poses a question for advice, they're opening up to all possibilities in response. They should all be taken in, sorted, and we choose whichever piece of advice we want to take away with us. But most of all we own our actions and hold ourselves accountable.
ReplyDeleteAnd thus, you've hit on one my pet peeves: judging others. We're told almost incessantly NOT to judge others actions, no matter how frivolous or outlandish, the choices they make in life, or the comments they espouse. Yet, we're surrounded by a culture that screams loudly, "I have a right to judge you however the hell I wish to, you just have to deal with it." Whether it's "intolerant" Christians or the supposedly ultra-tolerant crowd you're referring to, we all do it and should just acknowledge it already without allowing the hypocrisy.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree we should live w/our choices and the consequences of them, which includes the inherent judging of them by others. It's just an opinion, live with it. The point is that it's life, drink it up and don't worry about others' views of it.