Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Good Fight

Everlast 2964 Traditional Boxing Gloves (14 oz.)There is nothing like a good fight. Ok... arguement.. discussion.. whatever you want to call it when two people disagree, voice it, and come to a resolution.. hopefully without killing each other or causing undue bodily or emotional/mental harm.

I like a good arguement. Not all the time. Not every day. But when the time it is right, the subject is right, then yes.. a good arguement.

I've always known the importance of disagreement. Partly from my parents who when I was a child disagreed often and probably more so than was healthy. But they worked it out, and this is eventually what I took away from it.

Then came the ex.. He disagreed on nothing. A few times he'd disagree, and I'd start to get into my arguing mode producing my evidence for my stance, and he'd back down. I assumed (wrongly) that because he did so.. that the subject was not important or that I'd turned him to agree with me.

What I didn't know.. and didn't understand.. is that while I understood good arguements and resolution.. He didn't.

While I love his father.. it wasn't until way late in the marriage when I realized that it was his father who taught him this. His father taught him to back down to any confrontation from a woman. If she said it.. she got her way. Period. (Partly this is because his mother is a lunatic..)

Everlast Mantis Mitts Punch MittsSo I was left most of the marriage trying to get out of my ex what it was that he wanted. I tried coaxing it out of him. I tried giving him options of compromises that I'd agree to.. to which he merely let me do whatever it was I wanted.. all the while myself knowing that he had an opinion he just didn't want to share it.

He refused to tell me things that might possibly in some way of any kind.. upset me. Sometimes these were minor things.. he'd broken a glass.. and sometimes these were major things.. the company was downsizing or there was something wrong with his health.

To most people.. he'd be considered a nice guy.. to me, he was a doormat. Passive-aggressive. His way of dealing (by not dealing) caused me more stress than anything. I worried. I fretted. I nearly drove myself crazy trying to get answers out of him.

Then I gave up. Really. He said it was ok to get whatever curtains I wanted. I would. I stopped consulting him on things. I did whatever I wanted. He did whatever he wanted. We had our routine and stuck to that. I pretended not to care.. until I really didn't anymore.

Probably needless to say that we drifted apart. The thing is.. the relationship probably could have been salvaged.. if only we'd had that fight. We had the anger anyway. We had the resentment. We just never had the resolution.

Since then, I've noticed how that has changed me. Downside: I don't press people for anything anymore (which often means I don't ask anyone any questions and it can look like I don't care). Upside: If someone doesn't answer me, or doesn't want to talk to me.. I move on without care to someone who does.

But I also find myself really liking a good argument (not a forced argument.. don't be silly and try to make a fight) where both viewpoints are expressed.. I find myself respecting the other person a whole ton.. and sometimes finding them sexy where before I did not.

I Love You Card - Picture of Kids Holding HandsIts not about arguing for arguement's sake.. its about the freedom to express yourself and your partner feeling free to express themselves.. its not about the conflict.. its about your ability to have it and still come to a resolution.

Its not the fight.. its the making up. Its about honesty. Its about trust. Its about making sure you’re both on the same path… Together.

1 comment:

  1. I don't know where I'd lie in that. I let my 2b-ex make most of the decisions simply because there's some things I find no point in arguing about and truly do NOT care about (clothes I wear, what to eat, decorating, who does certain tasks, for a few) and then there are those things that are worth arguing about that she claimed I argue too much about (while my family now says I didn't ENOUGH on) such as spending, organization, etc. She claims, as others have said upon meeting me, that I'm too combative. I consider myself simply confident in my positions and like to question others in theirs (I call it Poking Cornered Bears w/Sticks) in an effort to truly understand why things are the way they are. Just a big kid asking "Why" over and over that inadvertently comes across as seeking debate.

    The fundamental difference I saw in my relationship that arguing arose from is that some ppl are problem-solvers, attacking them head on asap, while others require nudging to get something done, putting them off. I was the former, my ex the latter who also happened to be stubborn, so nothing got done. Hence, we're divorcing.

    I guess the moral of the story is that everyone has their own side of the story to argue about?