Dating Psychology 101

Last thursday night I of course went again to my "Flirting" group. Being that it was the thursday before Halloween, people obviously had better things to do and the group had a small turn out.

So we did something a little different. We talked.

The organizer handed out small pieces of paper for us to write questions that we wanted to ask of the group/opposite sex/whatever.

He then shuffled the papers and read the questions and we discussed it.

Sounds boring huh? It actually was a lot of fun and a little surprising.

Here were the results...

Attraction: Oddly enough both sexes agreed on what is attractive and what makes us want to be around, talk to, or let people into our lives.. And yes EVERYONE had the same answer independent of peer pressure.. there wasn't any peer pressure on this.. Trust me.

I actually asked the question because I was curious what the guys would come up with for an answer. I actually expected to hear "beautiful face" or "good body" or "dresses nice" or something.. Instead I got the following..

1. Smiling. (not just your mouth but with your eyes)

2. Friendly looking - see #1.

3. Looks like their having fun. #1 plus maybe a genuine laugh now and then.

4. Eye contact - if you can catch their eye, or get their attention.

Basically it boiled down to... fun and approachable... Doing your own thing and happy with it.. Not dependent on others to make you happy.

While looking nice, and being beautiful can help, its not the end all be all, and actually a very little part of it. Sure it catches their attention at first, but if the above "rules" aren't there most people will move on to someone else.

We also talked about bad boys and nice guys.. And somewhere in there I had a moment of brilliance.

Most people trust people with boundaries. We like boundaries. We like knowing how far we can push things to get a desired result. It helps us feel safe in the relationship with someone if we can trust them to let us know when we've crossed the line. We tend not to like total doormats.

We also like to know that we're special. We don't feel special if someone is just as nice to us as they are to everyone else. We want that "inner circle" feeling. We want inside the boundary so to speak.

One of my exes.. well to shorten the story lets just say he's an ex rather than getting into the whole drama of our friendship/attraction/fling/misunderstanding/friends thing... So anyway, this ex is the epitome of boundaries.

When I first heard of him through friends of friends of friends, I learned that he was a notorious asshole. (I know I know.. so sexy) And that he was extremely selective in who he hung around. (OMG Challenge.. drool) No one could tell me why he was the way he was or any keys to getting close to him, but since nearly all my friends were acquaintances of his, I assumed that I'd be a shoe in.

Uh.. not so much. When I first met him, I walked up to him while he was talking with some of my friends. I went to say "Hi, I'm Maruska", and he turned to someone else, raised his hand, and waved me off... like "Shoo fly you bother me".

I was taken aback and immediately thought "OH NO He didn't!"

He is not a sexy man physically. He doesn't have that handsome face. He doesn't have an athletic body. He actually would be adequately described as an uber-geeky skinny assed homely guy. Guy. I very much doubt anyone would take one look at him and say "Oh there goes a man" unless they were merely referring to the fact that he's male. Most people actually do not notice him.

But I was riveted. At first, because no one that uneventful had ever brushed me off. And secondly, because he was an extremely intelligent witty guy.

I set out to get to know him. Once I got home from meeting him the first time, I made notes to pester him every time he got online. My first message to him was "It was really nice meeting you. You really are the asshole they promised."

He didn't reply. He thought I was just a silly frivolous girl, and not worth wasting his time.

I set out to prove him wrong or at least pester the crap out of him until he actually did reply. I was told by all our mutual friends not to go this course of action, but I figured he already hated me, I'd just give him good reason.

Anyway one thing lead to another and my intelligence and wit and persistence won him over. By the next time we met, we were inseparable. I was one of, if not the queen-bee of his circle (our circle). We'd actually gone through so much "honesty" with each other that I could say things to him that most of the other girls in our circles would not even dare. I was special, and I loved him for it.

Now that said, not everyone should have this extreme boundary setup as a goal. Boundaries actually shouldn't be a goal.

As much as having boundaries and standing up for them breeds trust, respect, and a feeling of safety... faking boundaries is detrimental.

In the group discussion, we discussed what was our big "deal breaker" and every one of us also agreed on this..

Deception - Lying

There are many ways to deceive, and some can come back and bite you in the butt big time.

Lying about your natural haircolor? Not so much a big deal. Lying about your financial status, your real appearance, or that you smoke.. are often deal breakers. People that would have given you a chance had you been honest, no longer will have anything to do with you.

Lying gets you nowhere in a relationship.

Thus the same for boundaries. You can't make up boundaries. You have to really have them.. .you have to own your boundaries.

Making up a boundary in order to appear more trust worthy will eventually backfire. The minute that the person finds out that you made up some arbitrary boundary.. they will no longer respect any of your boundaries.. How are they to know which ones are real?

This is the key behind many women's interest in bad over nice. Most bad boys have boundaries and they're not afraid to let you know them. They're confident and secure enough in themselves to only be around people who can handle their boundaries. (Or at the very least, while they may not be inner confident, they've gotten boundaries to limit their lives to people they actually like). While a lot of these guys tend to be jerks, we at least usually know where we stand.

Most nice guys however will ignore their normal boundaries to be nice.. in an effort to be accommodating, not understanding that this is most of the reason they finish last. Btw Mr Nice Guy... its also deceptive practices to pretend to not have a boundary when you actually do.. we women don't like that deception.. we wonder what else you're lying about or not telling us. While some of these guys are actually as nice as they seem, we're often left wondering where that line is and if they'd actually tell us if we crossed it.

There actually is a third group of guys.. and these are the keepers. These are the nice guys with boundaries. These are well adjusted guys who know what they can and cannot handle and are ok with expressing it. Some of these guys are the strong leaders you see, very in control, commanding but full of charm. A few are also just very agreeable guys more than willing to go with the flow, but speak out once things get close to their boundary. These guys are often perceived as honest and stand-up guys, and 99% of them are married already or dedicated bachelors.

Or at least thats my thoughts... :)