Clinging to Terror & Bad Memories

He's back. And we're talking. If you remember last month I wrote about an old "friend" of mine, Luke, and the hold he used to have over me.

He seems to know when I'm having the hardest times, and pops in. My only saving grace is that he's miles and miles away.

See.. he's known me for too long that he knows all the right buttons to push. What to say. What to do. He could hold a class on how to seduce me.

Last time we'd talked, I scolded him for quitting Facebook. It's how most of our mutual friends keep in touch, and him not being there is like we're missing a spoke or something. Like a class reunion, where one of your good old friends isn't there. Besides its a good way to keep in touch, without really being in touch, which is how I prefer things to be with Luke.

So yesterday he logged into Facebook, and immediately sent me a message. What started out as a joking/teasing thread, suddenly turned into something more on his part (he now signs all his emails to me with "kiss").. and if I'm truly being honest.. something a little bit more on my part.

He's not playing fair either. The pictures he's posted are all of him being happy and playing with his young child. He's a fantastic father, something I always knew that he would be, and since somehow a few years ago I became possessed by a child-wanting spirit.. I'm envious, jealous, and...

I know he wants more children. From things he's stated in the past, I know he's approved of me as a mother. Not actually came out and said that he wants me for himself.. but enough to know that he wouldn't mind having kids with me.

Its a heady thing. Seeing that you could get the "things" you want.. and that that person is showing clear interest in you.

But as much as he makes me remember the good times.. hints, teases, reminders.. "Do you remember when...?" I have to keep reminding myself of the bad times, the emotional torture, and how badly he messed with my head.

I know he's changed a lot.. but I am terrified to trust him again like that. Terrified... and yet what he has to offer is so tempting.. that I'm clinging to that terror for life support.