Mourning The Loss Of Possibility

Funny enough, after having a conversation yesterday where I mention that most dating bloggers are f'n crazy. I then proceed along my day only proving that statement true for myself.



1. I call some strange dude that I've never met. I know. I know.


2. I head out to get groceries and stalk the pool on the way to and from my car looking for Mr. Hot German.


3. I break down in tears over someone I'm not dating, whom I've never met, and proceed to want to get obliterated with alcohol because of it.


1 & 2 are normal crazy for me. 3... well I'm gunna blame hormones, but really its more involved than that.. which honestly does make me crazy.


See, I have loved this guy for a long time. We've slowly been getting to know each other. When we first met, he wanted nothing to do with a relationship and I did.


He's honestly the only person since my divorce that I haven't "broken out into hives" at the thought of getting into a relationship. Partly because we seem to understand each other, and partly I suppose because we're miles apart and it seems more like a fantasy than real reality.


We've talked while we dated other people. He's asked my advice several times when courting a new girl, but its never been anything serious.


Then last night, he asked my advice on proposing to her. This girl he's been dating for a little while.


See when someone I care for, asks me for advice, I auto-pilot to give them the best advice I know, without any reguard for myself. It is how I am. I could be selfish and help him destroy his relationship, but I couldn't face myself in the mirror let alone face him. Because honestly, I sincerely just want him to be happy, even more than the desire to be the one that makes him happy.


I'd been as clear as I could be about my feelings without actually sending him naked pictures labeled "Do Me" or sending him some silly love note. I'm also not keen, since my ex, to be the one making the overtures. I really want a guy who wants me enough, not to let me go.


It doesn't much matter anyway. He's head over heels. A goner. I'm sure I can hope that she'll say no, but I know she won't. He's that great of a catch.


So last night, I drank up while crying into my wine. Maybe I'll find one of my own, someday.

Sail Away With Me... Not

So I went and hung out with some friends last weekend. They were all gathering at a place I think of as my "Cheers", despite that I don't make it down there every day and don't know most of the staff. I just feel homey when I'm there.

The Gingerman

I honestly really needed a "Gingerman" trip anyway. It'd been a while since I'd been there, and the need for beer was strong. If the Gingerman was closer to me, I might actually have a chance of becoming that alcoholic that I keep trying and failing to be. Though I even doubt that one as I've a fridge with cold beer and several bottles of hard liquor that I'm always forgetting to drink. I even have my favorite vodka (Armadale) sitting right beside my computer, and like eating.. I forget to drink it. 

It's actually pretty amazing that I remember to post blog posts or even manage to get through writing a blog post. Yes, my attention span is that f'd up. Ooooo pretty...

Oh yes.. back to the Gingerman..

I arrive. Late. As usual. But not so late to miss the entire party, just enough that I'm a drink or two behind everyone else. A true alcoholic would have arrived early to drink more.. damn it.. 

Anyway, my friends see me and act like I'm some sort of mirage. Have I mentioned that I've not seen most of them in months? It takes them a minute but.. 

I got flack.

"Where have you been? Don't tell me you have friends other than us!" Don lectured me jokingly as he came over to give me a big hug.

He was then followed by a couple girls that I pretend to be friends with, but in reality barely know. They're great girls and a lot of fun .. at least while at the bar.. but I just don't see us clicking without a beer in hand and mutual male friends to distract us. Let alone a girls-night. Call me paranoid, but I honestly think if we went to a bar just us girls to hang out.. I'd have blade marks all over my back.

But I made nice, and acted all happy to see them. It was good to see familiar faces and have people that were interested in me.. so it wasn't an entire act I guess. They wanted to catch up on everything I've been doing lately... which honestly is nothing of any interest anyone. 

Would you like to know about my experiment with maple syrup vs brown sugar syrup on pancakes?  Or maybe all the interesting job offers I'm getting for things that either will put me in jail or make me homicidal so I end up in jail?

So I answered their questions to the best of ability, and they drifted off to other people.  

Don however stuck around. He wanted more details and wasn't going to give up until I told him everything.  So I did. About me being sick and not wanting to socialize, about the job hunt which is going miserably, and about anything else that came to mind.

Then I saw Karl. Karl is an older gentleman. He's normally quiet, polite, somewhat shy, a little aloof but social, and always in the best manners (reserved).  So what happened made my head spin a little.

I see Karl talking to a very hot man whom I've never seen before. I catch Karl out of the corner of my eye pointing in my direction and commenting to the guy next to him.

"I saw that!" I exclaim to Karl pretending to be offended/suspicious, then turn to his friend. "What is he selling you on now? Don't trust a word of it!" I say as I smile widely.

Karl completely denies pointing as a child does who got caught eating chocolate and denies it with chocolate all over his face.

I then start to walk away to say hi to a few other people, when Karl grabs my arm.

"You can't leave."

"Whaa?"

"You can't leave. You have to stay here."

This is unlike Karl. Most times Karl just lets me flitter wherever I want. Never has he ever tried to entangle me in a conversation.

So I figured he had something to say to me. 

Nope. He just wanted me to stand there next to him as he talked with the hot guy.

I of course had other plans. The guy was hot and all, but a little shorter than I like, and I'm not really that into dating right now.  So I wanted to say hi to my friends before they left.

I started to leave again..

And again Karl stopped me. It was then I realized that Karl was drunk. I'd never seen Karl drunk.. but he was.  And it was funny.

He was joking with me.. in annoying ways.. that make me laugh. His antics were also making the hot guy laugh.. though he was in fairness laughing at me and my inability to get away politely.

Finally Karl let me escape, and I went to say Hi to more of my friends.  I also learned that I do not post on Facebook very much, and that people would have been concerned that I'd died had I completely stopped posting on Facebook. Evidently, my weekly posts on Facebook have saved me from being the subject of a 911 call.

Obviously, I need to go out more often.

So I go get more beer and flirt with Mr Hot Bartender (seriously wanna try that on for size).

It was hot outside, cool inside, and everyone was standing in the middle between the outside and inside which was part hot, and part lukewarm. I'd already said my hellos, and tired of being hot, I sat myself and my cold beer down on a couch nearby where there was no one sitting.

Ah.. peace, quiet, cool drink and air conditioning...

Then the hot guy came to sit across from me to talk.

It was idle chitchat to start. How long have I know these friends.. how often do we all hang out.. etc and so on.

Then he started to tell me about himself.  About his condo downtown, and his other house in Boston.

Is it just me, or? ... when a guy says that he has two residences and claims to be single... does anyone else just tune out?

It seems to be a theme with me lately. Meeting men who obviously want me to think or know they have money.  

For me, all I need to know is that you're financially stable. If you're trying to tell me you've make $300k a year, you've obviously misjudged my priorities.  However if you've got big bucks, and I know it without you telling me, you're generous without flaunting it.. I might start stalking you. Its all about the character baby.

He was a nice guy, and despite his double houses .. I might have given him a chance.. but he also really really likes boating and sailing.

Me + Water (with fish in it) is a non-starter. Not going to happen. Unless your boat is the size of a small island, don't be trying to picture us "sailing away" any day soon.

Then people saw us sitting down and talking. Don, in his own flirting enthusiastic way, plopped down next to me in a way that can only be described accurately as an ex-boyfriend move.. and the hot guy's eyes reacted as if "Oh you have a boyfriend"... which made me laugh. Had I not already ruled Hot guy out as a potential date, I might have been a little upset with Don.  As it was I joked around with Don, and introduced him to the hot guy.  Then one by one everyone joined the couches and conversations.

Hot guy stayed and talked with everyone for awhile. Don then ran off to another side of the bar.  Then Hot guy saw Don flirting outrageously with one of our mutual friends, and he commented.  I replied thats just Don he's kinda the group flirt or party person.  His eyes then changed in understanding again, realizing that Don and I weren't dating. (Silly men)

Hot guy shortly after got up for another beer. Never to be seen again.

Oh well.

Haunted By Old Memories

Last night I was out with some friends, and they decided to all meet up for an after-party at a place that I never go to. Its an area of town that I used to know well when I first moved to Austin, but since I moved out of that area, I rarely return.

By Rarely I mean Never.

I hadn't realized it when they mentioned the place just exactly where it was. Or should I say, I didn't realize that my last memory of the area was of that area. I didn't connect the two until I started driving there.

I turned onto the road miles south of the intersection with the bar where we were meeting... and my memories started coming back to me.

I started to remember the last night I was on that road. How wonderful that last meeting with him was. His smile. The way he looked at me.

When I pulled onto this road, it was at the juncture that ended the night finally.. where he pulled south, and I turned north. So as I drove towards the bar, the memories became happier and more bittersweet.

I realized that I missed him. I cussed at him in my car for moving away. It was a half-assed cuss-out as I know he did what he had to do, and I'd never want to take his dreams away. But knowing that barely makes his absence more tolerable, nor does it really let me miss him less.

By the time I got to the intersection where the bar was located, I was a little overwhelmed with missing him. That intersection was the same intersection where we were stopped at the light, windows rolled down, and flirting. Even now when I think on it, I smile with watery eyes.

I pulled myself together though and made it to the bar composed. Ordered a beer and chatted as if I wasn't being haunted by old memories.

As I drove home, I ended up stopped at the same light. In the same spot as I had been months ago. Finding myself wishing that he would pull up beside me, and make me laugh like he had before.

It was a bittersweet ride home. Filled with happy memories that I'd nearly forgotten, and saddened because he's not here.

Breach Of Trust

After the debacle on Friday, I strongly considered closing shop.

As it turns out there are 30+ bloggers in category Blogger B vs Blogger A.  Of those 30+ bloggers, I found out two of them were people I considered to be good friends.

So that I'd not received an invite or heads up or even consulted at all.. Hurt a lot. 

Not to mention the numbers of other bloggers in their group.. which I didn't know who was or wasn't in the group.. and found myself wondering.. Who do I trust now?

I received several DM's through Twitter of people showing me their support and agreeing with my post on Friday. I wondered if these people DM'd me out of fear that showing public support would adversely affect them. I know I wasn't the only one hurt, distrustful, and a little scared.

I wondered throughout the weekend about "what if I say something negative about someone? will I be next?"  Because lord knows I cannot keep my mouth shut if I think someone's talking a bunch of BS.

Then I found out that some private information that I'd given to people because I trusted them.. had been told to people I didn't authorize..

The smoke coming out of my ears nearly set off the smoke alarm.

The amount of betrayal and whispering behind closed doors that I felt was going on.. I'd not experienced since High School, and is not something I ever want to experience again.

So I spent most of this weekend out.  If I was home, I'd think about my computer.. and this.. and I'd get upset. Being home was stifling.

I hung out with friends I've not seen in months. I drank vodka. I drank beer, and I even tried to kill myself off by eating fries that I was pretty sure I was allergic to.. They were damn good though.. until I got sick.

It honestly wasn't until Sunday night.. after a very fun afternoon of beer drinking.. that I started to relax and put things into perspective.

As much as I'd love to be able to.. I can not control what other people do or say. I have to accept them for their choices, and move on to what is going to make me happy and what I can live with.

I can only be me.

So I'm back. A little worse for wear.. a little less trusting (I know, who'd have thought that possible?).. and with a little bit bigger middle finger.

I've got some juicy stories that I've yet to write up..  So don't worry.. fun fun will be had here again...

The Bad Good Boy

If you remember, I posted about my adventure with Hock a week or so ago, and I mentioned that I thought he was a relationship guy and that he had some kind pain or trauma he was hiding.

He does. I asked him about it actually. One of those dreaded.. "Why are you single?" questions.

A few months ago, he got out of a bad relationship. He now wants to be a bad boy and get out there and just have some fun.

Picturing him as a bad boy cracks me up. Hilarious.

He was honest with me about not wanting to date, and to be honest after the whole Luke thing, not dating never sounded so good. So we had a good chat about how neither of us is wanting to date right now.

He has yet to ask me about myself btw. Which I find strange and yet comforting. I hate talking about me (I know you don't believe me) and its oddly comforting that he seems to care less about my past. Meaning that with him I can completely escape and be whomever I want to be.

Maybe Cleopatra.. Hmmm...

A few days later, he sent me an invite to a party he's throwing that some of our mutual friends are going to as well. Its not a date.. just an invite.

I haven't decided yet if I'm going to go. There's a $18 fee to get in, which he didn't offer to pay, and I'm not sure I can afford (or should afford?) right now.  I don't really want him to pay either, as then it would feel like a date and I'm sure my anti-dating anxiety would get started.. it would change the entire tone of the event.

So I may go.. or I may not. I just don't know. But it is nice that he wants to see me.

Luke Again

Luke and I have started chatting again. 

It all started when he complained on FB about there only being crazy women. Of course, if you only think there are crazy women thats all you'll find, but I didn't tell him that. I know him well enough to know that he really does like crazy chicks. Since we have history, I suppose that admission might reflect badly on me, but then I've never professed to be the poster child for sanity.

We talked about dating, life, goals, etc. We had a good conversation. It was good to talk again and just be friendly. I remembered him and I as friends and it made me smile.

Of course, while we talked I entertained the idea of getting back together. Each topic we agreed on, I wondered more about if things might work if we tried again. Each topic we disagreed on, I reminded myself why we aren't together.

I also started to remember the fire in him. How passionate he is. It was one of the things that first drew to me him. When he loves something, he loves it completely, protectively, and a little possessively. He will fight for it. Its a very attractive quality especially after my ex who was very passive about everything.

But with his fire comes demands. He's rather black and white. Good and bad. Very little grey at all. Very little compromise. He talks in absolutes, and has trouble forgiving or seeing/understanding another viewpoint.

I however live in grey quite often. While I admire peoples firm hold onto beliefs, I do find rigidness constraining. I'm more apt to fight for the freedom for everyone, than I am to fight for my personal beliefs. I understand that what's right for me, isn't always right for everyone else. Don't get me wrong, I'm not all wishy washy either. I do have my beliefs and things I will fight for as well... 

But there are things that he wants. He's open and honest with his expectations of his future wife/lover, and they aren't things I really want and I'm not sure I could be them.

I'm also realizing that I'm still adverse to making any kind of compromise or giving anything up to please a partner. I might could eventually, but those compromises have to be gradual and not "dealbreakers" if I never live up to it. In essence, I merely want to be accepted for who I am right now. Encouraged to be the best me I can be. Loved for who I am, and who I become.

We talked two nights in a row, several hours each night. He'd message me throughout the day with simple hellos and innocent flirts. It felt good. Like I had a new good friend, a potential lover.. there was an innocent hope but not well-thought out.. an idea, a hope, and unclear dream of possiblity. 

Then he said he'd be interested in more, and asked me what I thought..

The dream suddenly died, and reality came crashing in. All his expectations hit me at once, I thought about having to fulfill them. It was like being hit with a ton of bricks. I couldn't breathe, and my eyes started to fill with tears.

I told him it was too soon to tell. But in all honesty, I don't see things working out. It would be great if they did. He would want to get married relatively soon and start a family together. He'd be a fantastic father, and possibly a great lover (if we can come to some compromises, I do know that the sex would never be boring). 

But all I can see right now is feeling pressured to do things his way, and feeling compromised, trapped, and resentful. The things of which spousal murders are made.

The Last Stand

It's my personal thing that everything always happens on the same day. I can go weeks without anything eventful, but it always seems that once one thing happens.. other things just chime right in.

Yesterday, I decided to text Mac back. I'd left him "hanging" and because I figured it couldn't hurt... and that I'd follow the advice of my male friends (all of them are seriously his advocates) and give him a chance.

I'm almost 100% sure that Mac isn't into me for dating.  I may be a sex buddy option, or someone he's got as a backup plan... but I'm pretty certain that he's not into actually dating me.

Me: "Hope you're having a good week. :)"

Him: "Fanks. I am. Getting ready for a mardi gras party. Tried to rent a zoot suit but didn't work out."

Him: "How's your week?"

Me: "No zoot suit? Darn I'd have had to come by & take pics of that."

Me: "My week is going. Possibly getting sick, but hoping its just allergies. Cross your fingers."

Him: "I'm going to wear a black suit, suspenders, black shirt, tie, and phantom mask."

Me: "Now that sounds hot."

Him: "If only a hot guy was in that outfit, it would be."  (Seriously begging for compliments? I decide to give him one.)

Me: "Oh? Who's wearing it? I swear you said you were."

Him: "Exactly"

Me: "Then a hot guy is wearing it. Do you need glasses?" (Just so everyone is clear, this was my gauntlet and its been thrown. Your move buddy)

(The above went on without any interuption or pausing... then there's a 20 minute lull. I don't know if he was stumped by the "hot" reference or he went to the toilet.. )

Him: "Naw that would make me dorkier."

Me: "You're a dork? Hmm totally missed that somewhere. Are you sure?" (Seriously? still begging for compliments? I'm wanting to just walk away at this point. I don't.)

Him: "Yep. A computer nerd too."

Me: "Then where are your glasses and pocket protectors?"

Him: "New age nerd."  (I'm not sure what New Age has to do with nerds, but ok)

Me: "I may need new glasses as well. I can't believe I was under the impression that you were hot."

Him: "Lenscrafters have an office near you?"

Me: "Yep. Thats where I got my last pair. Total nerd glasses. Black frames n all."

Him: "LOL"

Anyway, ball is solidly in his court. Any naysayers that thought "Are you sure he knows you like him?" should be fully satisfied now.  I'm just not waiting around on him. Relatively sure I'll not hear from him unless he wants a booty call or his ego fluffed. Not into either option.

*****

Then I head to Austin's Social Media Club event.  I'd RSVP'd weeks ago and it was a little late to back out.. plus I really should get out and network.. So I went.

I get there.. make my name tag.. and my phone rings.

Its Mich. My friend that kinda gave me signals that it may or may not be just friends? He invites me to attend a dinner party his friend is hosting.

Now Mich has invited me to many things before, even when he was dating someone else. So this is NOT a sign that he wants to be more than friends.. or not clearly one anyway.  It could be excruciatingly boring or a fantastic evening.  I told him I'd go, so we'll see how things unfold.  He's leaving in a week and will be gone for year, so I'm not putting any hope in the long term. 

Then the meeting starts. Btw, the Austin Social Media club is full of hot men. Of course, half or more of them are married, but eye candy baby!

It was a great time really, and I'm going to try to pull myself off the couch more often to attend these functions.  Maybe one of these days, I'll meet a tech-savvy sexy single man at one.

Combating The Friend Zone

I was talking to a twitter friend last night about the Friend Zone and how to combat it.

Every girl has different friend zones for guys.  Some friends are "gay friends" meaning they're good friends but they might as well be gay for all the interest she has in them.  Some friends are "hopeful friends" meaning friends that she'd consider dating if the time and circumstances were right (these friends she probably met either while she was dating someone else, or while they were dating someone else.)  There's different variations of these groupings and of course some girls have more groups, but basically it boils down to.. male friends that she'll never sleep with, and male friends that she might.

If you are in the "gay friends" category, you have absolutely no hope. Seriously. Don't try.  Guys in this category usually (unless they really are gay) don't get touched, and often are asked advice on things the girl would never ask anyone she wanted to sleep with. These guys get treated almost exactly like her girl-friends.

If you're in the "hopeful friends" category, you've got a chance. It might be a small chance, but a chance. If you're wanting to move things out of the Friend Zone.. please read the following warning.

WARNING: Moving Out Of The Friend Zone May Be Hazardous To Your Health (or at least the health of your relationship)

1. Moving out of the Friend Zone in most cases will end the friendship. Period. This is a chance you're going to have to take if you really want to date her.

2. You do not get to be pouty, annoyed, or hurt if she rejects you. You were her friend and she trusted you to be her friend and obey the friend rules.  She gets to be pissed and feel betrayed if you try to change the rules, you do not.  She has done nothing wrong, you have. Understand this before you make any kind of move.

3. Decide before you move on her if you want to save the relationship in the event she rejects your overtures of romance. If you want to save it, you must take her rejection like a man. Don't argue with her. Don't plead. Don't beg. Merely just say, Ok. Take a couple days of "space" to regroup then resume friendship as normal (no touching, no overtures of anything that isn't 100% platonic). You'll have to win back your trusted role of friend.

Now.. onto the juicy..

How to move out of the Friend Zone:

1. Before you even get started, you must make sure that she's available. Hitting on her while she's with someone, is just douchy. Exceptions to this would be if she's suddenly gotten engaged or is talking about moving in with him, where you feel like its your last chance to come clean. (In this latter instance, you'll not be able to save the friendship and you'll need to make a ballsy in her face "speech" about how you feel. This most times does not work, but I understand sometimes you just have to try.)

2. Take things slow. Small hints that you're more than friends.. such as small touches that aren't platonic in nature but not overtly sexual. Extended hugs. Talks with lots of eye contact, gazing into her eyes. Simple flirting. If she pulls away, bad sign (probably best if you just accept the friendship). If she doesn't, good sign. If she reciprocates, you're good.

3. Even if she reciprocates, moving from Friendship into Relationship is bumpy. Yes I said relationship. There is no casual sex here, you don't get to date around. The 99% of the time the choices will be.. Fuck-Buddy or exclusive Boyfriend. You've gotten to know her well already, she's gotten to know you. You've been in her inner circle. She trusts you. 

Now Fuck buddy might be confusing, because I said no casual sex.. but let me explain.. you might be her friend because she doesn't find you datable.  In which case, she may take you on as a sexual partner. You will still be required to be a friend, but she'll see other people. This usually ends the friendship quickly and there is usually no coming back from this. The sex is not casual because you're emotionally connected/invested.  If you go along with this option, especially if you wanted to date her, she'll lose all respect for you. Whipped.

Exclusive Boyfriend. You've been around. You're connected to her. You've learned a lot about her. If you do not want to become her exclusive boyfriend, just suck it up and be just friends with her. Trust me, if she wants to date you.. she'll expect you to be exclusive rather quickly. You've been given privilege to be her friend her confidant. She won't be giving that up just for a casual affair. You should know whether you want her or not, and she'll expect you to show it.


4. So you're still convinced you want to attempt date this girl?  Awesome! She's a lucky gal! If she's been giving you good signs, increase the frequency and intensity of your flirtation gradually until you're certain that she feels the same about you.  At this point, you have to do two things..

Kiss her. This is probably the best way to get your point across. Do not surprise her with this, but wait until it seems right.

Tell her how you feel, and what you want.. (aka to date her).

These two things do not have to be done in any order, but both are needed. If she rejects you on either one, please note "warning #2" and behave accordingly. Do not attempt both if she rejects you on one of them.  If she rejects the kiss, you may appologize and explain yourself but do not try to change her mind.

Saying Goodbye

Tonight I said "Goodbye" to two friends.  These aren't silly friends, or casual friends.. but good friends. People I trust, which is a rarity for me.  So its hard to see them leave.

Mich is going overseas, and Behn is moving to another state.

If I'm honest, I've wanted to date them both... they're great guys... but it just never seemed to go that way.

Behn will always just be a friend. He's awesome, but he's superficial in what he wants in a woman. I am not within his "hot" range.. and he only likes atheists. But he's a great friend.

I really hadn't seen Behn in a couple months. We (Behn, Mich, Theo and I) used to all get together weekly.. then twice a month.. then once a month.. then... So its been a while.

But talking with him tonight, I remembered why I loved him and I've missed him. We used to sit and talk about dating.. whoahs and yeses.. We'd give each other advice, and listen to each other's crazy stories. I can completely relax with him, a rare thing for me.

He's actually finally in love. It was sweet to see him that way. She wasn't there, but I'm dying to meet her.  However since he's moving, I'm not sure it'll last, but I hope they'll fight for it.  He doesn't fall easy and is extremely picky, so it'll be sad if he truly loses her.

Mich and I have been friends longer though.. actually I've known Mich longer than any of them.  Mich also helped me move last year, and met my parents.. and.. got along with them.  My parents think he walks on water (an amazing feat btw).

I've flirted with Mich in the past, but it never seemed to go anywhere as he had a girlfriend in England for quite a while.. then when they split, he started dating some crazy chick in town for a short-term casual thing - his words since he knew he was leaving. (She looks sane, but trust me she's crazy.)

So we'd only just been friends, and thats all I've ever expected.

After the farewell dinner, Mich and I went to a movie together. It wasn't planned ahead, but he'd mentioned wanting to see the movie and I didn't have other plans and haven't seen a flick in the theater for ages.. so I offered to join him.

We had a little time to kill so we stopped at a bar and got a beer before heading to the Alamo. We chatted and laughed and had a good time.

Then the movie.

The entire movie he kept lightly tapping my knee or grabbing my arm to pull me closer to talk about the movie.  This alone is normal, right?  

But his fingers on my knee were like bolts of electricity.  

He was arguing with me that the movie did not have plot. I said it did and that he should be quiet and just go with the flow of it. He said he needed to do some kind of drugs to understand it.  I understood it fine (but then I've not ever really needed drugs).

But the entire time we argued.. all I wanted to do was kiss him to shut him up.

If we weren't just friends.. and if he wasn't taking off overseas in a few days.. I'd have jumped his bones right there. (I probably just need to get laid.)

Instead, when he tapped my knee, I pretended to be irritated and playfully tapped his knee. When he grabbed my arm, I playfully poked at his hand.

We sat there talking the entire length of the credits; we were the last to leave the theatre.

He walked me to my car.. (He's that kind of gentleman, always) and we hugged goodbye.

It was a long hug. I even relaxed like I was letting go, and he embraced me harder. I hugged him some more.

There seems to be something there.  I don't know what.. but something.

He seemed hesitant to call it a night, but I was freezing so we did.

*sigh* I'm going to miss them both.. dearly.

Awesome Times Awesome Squared

My night last night.. 

I was running late to a birthday party that I didn't want to go to. I just wanted a nice quiet night at home, but its an obligation that I'd never live down if I didn't at least show.

I was trying to finish up some tasks when my friend Jack surprised me with his hidden talents at song writing... so I went to take a listen, hit play.

*ring* *ring* My phone is having one of those rare seizures indicative of someone trying to reach me by voice. A very rare thing.

I see the caller ID, smile, and panic.  I really didn't remember giving this guy my number though I've had his through my own "stalking" efforts; its a happy surprise.

I answer quickly trying to make sure I answer before it goes to voicemail, while trying to turn off the blasting music from the computer. Trying to do too many things at once and being late.. and the surprise of the phone call.. I was a bundle of nerves.

I think I said "Hi". I honestly can't recall. Then he asks me for clarification on something private (something very few people here know.. a safety precaution) that I really really don't recall telling him.  Not that I minded that he knew, but my mind instantly flew to... "OMG who else knows?" and "Shit, I thought I was more careful". Some serious panic.

He assures me that I told him, and as I calm down I realize that I must have when I gave him my number. I vaguely.. with his memory jogging.. remember texting him from my phone on NYE. He never replied. (He claims a real phone call despite weeks later should make up for it.)  As I calm down, I start laughing. Seriously, I'm laughing hysterically.. 

He asks: "What's so funny?"

Me: "To explain that would take more words than I have. I'm not laughing at you, but ... at this.. situation"

He says: "Ah.. laughing with me.."

Sure sure.. lets just say I was laughing with you.  But since I was actually laughing at myself and my own hysterical insanity... well.. I'm thinking we were both laughing at me. Which is fine.. I was totally being laugh worthy.

I then blather on about why I have this deep seated loathing for football, which he listens to and somehow isn't offended.

We talk, and I attempt to sound coherent. I think I succeeded. Though I got off the phone feeling like a blathering idiot, a happy blathering idiot but a blathering idiot nonetheless.

I finish up my work, and head to the shower to get ready. My phone dings. Ooo a text message.

It's Mac.

YAY!!! 

Though he tells me he's sick and miserable (poor guy), and in need of a nursemaid.

Normally, the me before I got married, would have immediately suggested that I come over to nurse him. I'd have ran to him and given up all other plans for the day in order to make him well. 

I instead skirted the issue politely and flirtatiously, though later when I found out just how sick he was and that he was continuing to work as well.. I told him that someone needed to tie him to the bed and force feed him soup.

He of course was up for the "tying to the bed" part. Obviously not that sick. :)

We chatted a little more, before I told him I had to go shower and get ready.

I get ready.. slowly. I mean this night has gone so well so far.. it can't possibly improve. It can only get worse. Right? 

Plus its still cold in Austin. Its warm in my apt. You do the math.

But I drag myself out of the apt, and downtown.

A mutual friend of ours has arranged a fantastic "happy hour" special for us at a local bar/restaurant with a band to boot. No cover, and pretty much $1 drinks of whatever you want. My vodka was $2. Normally its $6 anywhere I go. YEAH!!

So I hang out and chat. Say hi to the Birthday girl and boy.. and do my rounds. I see Don's there, but last time I saw him he had a girlfriend and was kinda a dud. I really didn't feel like talking to him, and he was hanging with some cute girls I didn't know.. so I just walked the other direction.

Don however ran over to say Hi to me. Put his arm around me and asked how I'd been.  We chatted for a while.. catching up on our lives.. the ex-gf was not mentioned.. but as chatty and friendly as he was.. it was obvious he was single again.

He soon flitted off again mingling he said. He spent most of the rest of the night with thinner hotter girls. Whatever Don. I'm no one's backup plan.

The party however is outside without heaters of any kind. Seriously? What crack was the owner of that bar on?

So I called it a night after warming up inside and meeting a "native Austinite". The guy was completely humorless and looked at me like I was uncouth and rude no matter what I said.  He however was slurring like a lush. In his defense, I should mention that I was totally making fun of his alcohol tongue. Come on.. it was funny. An obviously slurring 35+ yr. old well-dressed man trying to pick up a couple chicks.

Anyway, so I call it a night and decide to give in to my insane craving for Katz French Dip sandwich. Seriously they're orgasmic.  

I almost get the few blocks down the road to Katz, and my best friend calls to chat. We chat a bit and then I go eat with promises to call her back when I'm done.

No one to go with me, I enter on my own, sit alone at a table, and drool til my sandwich comes and then devour it. I thought it funny that none of that felt weird to me. It was my first time eating out.. eating out.. alone.

While I'm eating, Fred starts to text me. Fred has a habit of texting me when he's drunk or been drinking. Usually the messages are funny in a "I want you" kind of way. He lives about 3 hours away, and has never came to Austin while I've been here. So I find it a little hard sometimes to take him seriously, but the messages are flattering.. and if he was closer he might make a good sex buddy. (He severely doesn't want kids, so anything more than that is out of the question)

So.. flattered (he always says how sexy I am).. and laughing my ass off (he always says how sexy I am).. I call my best friend back and talk on my way home, and a good 2 hours after I get home.  We like to chat, and we crack each other up. The last hour of it was pretty much just solid laughter.  

The last key phrase for a laughter track from us: "I don't really judge, but man that shit is fucked up!" (yeah most people don't get our humor either, its ok.)

It honestly was a fan-freaking-tastic evening. I couldn't have planned it better. Awesome times Awesome squared.

I Am Not PC, I Like Mac

Yesterday, I woke up in a relatively good mood. Motivated. I even applied for a job, which of course was more annoying than the job itself.

**rant** Why in the hell does every damn employer have their own website "quiz" you have to answer to apply? Why even have a resume? You end up having to type in every freaking thang from your resume into that quiz anyway. Including supervisors names and numbers.. Which I honestly couldn't tell you for most of my past jobs because the companies have either gone under or the damn supervisor got laid off too. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get hired by filling out "Random Idiot" as my supervisors name. **/rant**

After taking a nearly an hour to apply for this job, I felt like I'd climbed a mountain.

I rewarded myself by making myself a great lunch and watching some TV.. which turned out to be "Grumpy Old Men".

Love that movie.

By the time the movie was over, I was super chipper and starting to feel like my old self again.  I got ready to run a few errands that I'd been putting off the last couple days, and as I was getting dressed I wondered what was going on that night.

I checked my calendar and sure enough my favorite group (Beer Enthusiasts) had a meeting that night.

Saturday night at my friend's birthday party, I ran into a couple people from my social circles here in Austin. They both scolded me for not being more social, and asked where in the world I've been hiding.  Neither of these two are people I ran into often, but more like people that I saw maybe once every 2 months, so for them to notice I'm missing is a pretty big deal. I hadn't realized just how anti-social I'd gotten.

So when I saw that I could make the Beer meeting, I jumped at it. I figured it was probably time to come out of hiding, and since I was in a decent mood.. all the more reason.

I arrive. I run into Evie and her man outside smoking. I say Hi then run inside to see who all else is in attendance. I see a bunch of people I don't know, and a few that I do.

Then suddenly from across the group seated at the table furthest from where I was, I see a good-looking man exclaim "Hi".  I waved "Hello" back since there weren't any seats near him, and started for the nearest available seat, when I noticed next to him was Getty who then shouted and waved.

Rather than shout over everyone, (and because the guy was hot) I made my way over to that side of the table to say hello and catch up.

I knew that I'd seen the good-looking man before, but couldn't place him right away. Once I got closer though I realized that it was Mac (previously mentioned in "Just Some Time For Fun" and "Where Does The Time Go?"). It really had been a long time no see.

So when I got over to them, I positioned myself between the two of them and asked Getty how she'd been. I was dying to talk to Mac, but I knew I had to put in some time with Getty. Getty was on a non-stop roll of chatter, and kept trying to get me to pull up a chair to sit between them.

I really did not want to spend the entire night stuck next to Getty. She likes to monopolize conversation. I'd never get to chat with anyone else if I stayed here. At one point though, she said she was insisting I sit there because Mac was hot and she wanted to give me a better chance at him.  So why did she monopolize my conversation for the first 30 minutes? Dunno.

Mac however heard us talking about chairs and that I was going to go sit across the way where there were available chairs. I was arguing with Getty saying that I could just go sit over there. No biggie. Getty however kept asking everyone around if we could snag their chairs, to which they said no. Getty would not let it go.

So Mac got up, walked across the room, picked up one of the free chairs from the other side of the way, and carried it back over for me to sit on.  I of course told him it was completely unnecessary, but thanked him profusely for doing it. (It was totally sweet and hot.)

I'm not entirely sure he did it for me to sit next to him, as much as he may have done it so that I'd be a buffer between him and Getty. Either way, I got to sit next to him.

Luckily for me, there was a girl on the other side of Getty for her to talk to.. which gave me a second of break from Getty.. allowing me to turn away from her and talk to Mac.

Mac and I talked most of the night. Catching up on what we'd been doing since we'd last met. Bitching about the bowling group that we'd met at, and anything else that came across our minds.

I'd actually forgotten how easy it was to be around him. The time passed easily with very few lulls, and relaxed. Conversation just flowed, and we laughed and talked like we'd been friends for quite a while. I was so relaxed that I just let honesty flow from my mouth not caring about his view, and he seemed the same with me.

At one point, Getty caught both of our attention by saying that she'd heard a very cute joke that day.. she insisted that we'd love it.  So she started this joke about a dwarf which was off-color and inappropriate. Neither Mac nor I laughed.

I simply told Getty when she was asking, "Do you get it?" type looks and questions..

"It was pretty offensive. Sorry." (Marc nodded his agreement out of site of Getty)

Getty tried to explain why she thought it was funny and how she'd not picked up on its offensiveness, though she supposed it would be offensive to actual people of dwarfism. I'm not sure exactly how the conversation went, but somehow this comment from me made sense..

"I don't really know any real life dwarves. W's the closest I've ever met, but I still found it offensive."  (W is not a dwarf, she's just freaking short. like 4'10? she might even be shorter than that.)

Getty gasped and said I was insulting W.

"I'm not insulting her. She's the shortest person I know. She's fully aware that she's short. Its not news." (The girl is the shortest person in our circle. Obviously shortest.)

Mac then pointed out a rather attractive blonde girl about 5 ft away at the end of the table.

"Doesn't she look like Katherine Heigel?"

"Umm sure, maybe if you add 50 lbs to Katherine Heigel."  Like I said I was relaxed around him. As the words came out of my mouth, I realized how catty it sounded. But there was no taking them back. I didn't really mean them catty, but honestly this girl looked exactly like Katherine Heigel after eating an entire Thanksgiving dinner by herself.

A few minutes later after a pause in the conversation, Mac turned to me.

"You're puzzling."

"Uh.. what?" (me confused)

"A few minutes ago, you're deeply offended at a joke about dwarves. But when I point out the blonde, you comment about her weight."

"I know, but I was just being honest. She's a beautiful girl. But in comparison to Katherine Heigel.. it was an honest comment. I didn't mean it catty."

Really, there wasn't any defense of myself that I could do without backpedalling into spineless.  I said what I said. I meant it.

He smiled. "I know. You said it very matter of fact. Not catty at all. Still funny."

"I just speak truth. Deal with it.  Btw, did you notice that her teeth, mouth, and motions are like Heigel's too? It's weird."

We actually pondered taking pictures of the girl and selling them to tabloids as "Katherine Heigel gets fat" pictures. She looked that close.

He kept getting text messages the entire night. One after another after another. I honestly was wondering if he had some jealous girlfriend.  After about the 4th txt, my flirtatiously curious looks started to take on a little less flirt and a little more curious, he told me who was texting.  Supposedly he has a couple friends who are going through a marital rough patch, and they both keep texting him for advice/perspective. It was a very ornate story he told which no one in the world would make up because it was so boring and who cares, but it was sweet him being there for them and not taking sides.

As the evening was drawing to a close, he started to show me apps on his iPhone. I have one too, so we were comparing cool things.  A few that he had were really cool, and so I had to download them.

We were then interrupted by some chick. I don't know who she was. She did not introduce herself to me, and instead only talked to Mac. They did not seem to know each other. She seemed to just be wanting to meet the "Hot Guy".  Slightly jealous from my seat on the other side of him, I calmed when I noticed they did not know each other and Mac was not acting happy about the interruption. He was nice, friendly, but the conversation was short and then he was back talking to me.

Shortly after that, everyone had left, save a few of us. Mac, some guy, and myself. The guy was standing by himself looking a little uncomfortable, and so I called him over to us.  As much as I like Mac, I hate to ignore people and make them feel like an outsider.  The guy came over. His name was Mike and thats all I found out before Mac drew me back into finishing our conversation.

Mac and Mike's tabs came through first. My tab came through as they were signing theirs, so they both took off.

Mac never asked for my number. I assume we're just friends. Its just nice for the ego though to have the hottest dude in the group commandeer you for conversation.

My Boys: Relating To Men

Moxie In The City has a post today that I feel the need to speak a few words on.

"I am always wary of women who say they don't have a lot of female friends or that they don't "relate well" to other women."

"Maybe their feminine nature or love of getting mani/pedis makes you wonder of there's something wrong with you that you aren't in to those things? I'm not saying there is something wrong with you. I'm suggesting that maybe you're the one with an idea of how a woman "should" be and that that is what's keeping you for effectively connecting with other females."



In many ways, she's right. Women who don't get along well with other females (I'm not talking about frenemies, but actually relating) often have insecurity problems with women.

Talk to any man who doesn't understand women. He's got insecurities with women. Stick him in a group of women talking about hairstyles and nail color, just see what happens.

However, there are plenty of men who do get women.. or at least can relate well to them. Given, most of these men are very effeminate and gay, but still men.

So it goes to reason that women who relate to men better than women, might also be a little masculine.

Which is where Moxie heads next:
"The main challenge you're facing, I think, is that these men you're friends with don't find you particularly feminine."

And she implies that her constant exposure to solely men has caused her to be a little more masculine in her relationship skills.

In many ways she's probably right. In some ways, she's probably not. It has to do partly with how you're wired on the inside, and partly due to external causes.

Sure sure, hanging out with more women would probably help her get a better grasp on makeup, clothes, flirting, and other feminine wiles.

But it may not in reality change anything about this girl. Its possible that the superficial changes might help the girl to be more physically attractive to the opposite sex.. but I'm not seeing in the girl's letter that physical attraction is the problem.

My guess is that she has some mild case of aspergers or ADD which affects women in different ways then men. This "faulty" wiring causes her to find women exhausting, catty, and superfluous. Since men have a simpler social structure, pecking order, and ways of fighting, she finds being social with them much more productive and relaxing.

Since there aren't a whole lot of these kinds of women, most men aren't accustomed to it. Instead like most people, jump to conclusions that she cannot be trusted to be faithful and that she is in fact sleeping with one of these men. Or.. that there is something fundamentally wrong with her.. Which might be true.

I agree though with Moxie that this girl does need to seek out women who share her interests. Having a few girlfriends really does help.. If not just so you can commiserate about how guys suck. :)

In the meantime though, she needs to start differentiating how she reacts and relates to the different men in her life. My guess is that she's treating her dates much like she treats her guy friends. He is not her friend and she doesn't want him to be.. seriously.. she doesn't want him to be the kind of friend like her guy friends. Once he's that kind of friend, sex is off the table. There needs to be a difference between what she shares with him and what she shares with her guy friends.

Actually, all this makes me think of that TV sitcom, My Boys. Now if only I was smoking hot, played poker, and liked sports.