Monday, July 12, 2010

Purposefully Seeking OCD

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder For DummiesI'm going to admit something.. you probably already know, but something I've kept hidden from myself. Its how I process, I know this.. I just... well.. its hard to see what you're hiding from yourself, because... well.. you're hiding it from yourself.

See how that works?

I've been trying to re-build my life for years, with the most progress happening this last year since the divorce. I may or may not have had a "breakdown" years ago. Its hard to say, and never was diagnosed. But looking back, I have to wonder.

All I know is that somewhere along the way, I forgot how to be a functional human being. I honestly blame my ex, but in reality I should blame myself. I stayed where I should have fled.

I'm discovering little things on my road back to humanity. I forgot what it was like to take joy in doing something for absolutely no reason other than I wanted to. I forgot what it was like to actually get a real paycheck for real services rendered. I forgot that pride.

People used to call me "Monica".. remember Monica from friends.. she was OCD, reserved, a great cook. Everything had its place. It drove her crazy when something wasn't where it belonged.

Thats how I used to be. Seriously. Everything had its place. Somehow during the battle with my ex (who believed that everything went wherever he decided to leave it, and that fairies would move it back to its spot. He also believed that to cure OCD was for him to simply do everything that made me crazy.), up until even today, that particular OCD has gone away. (not fully, but for the most part yes.)

I was actually having a conversation with my best friend where she began to talk about how she now has my OCD... well not exactly, she's much more of a clean-freak than I ever was. I started looking around my apartment and realized that.. I no longer have any of the "functional" parts of my OCD.

Seriously, its like apathy has taken over OCD. Like I am (was) functioning defeated. Like I'd given up.

So I've decided that I'm going to get it back. I'm happier with things in their place. I'm happier with a cleaner/neater apartment.

And so, I've been slowly digging myself out of this hole I've built. I can almost see my dining room table again.

I'm making a new list of "rules" and will be practicing doing them until I get back to where I was... ok maybe not the insane OCD crap.. but functional. Where I can have someone over maybe without saying "Oh, umm.. just close your eyes."

(Btw, I have managed to rid myself of my "I need this" hoarding OCD, which I am not seeking to take up again. Thanks but that's one I can do just fine without.)

**** For you that are grossing yourselves out with your imaginations, please understand that my mess is clean mess. I don't have left over food containers all over, or crumbs everywhere. Its just old things to get rid of, papers to file, clothes to give to goodwill.. and some canned goods to put away.


  1. It's kinda eery how you and your ex-husband sound like me and my ex-wife only reversed. Here's a mind-bender for you in those regards, though: imagine having to clean up after not only HIM but two kids of his that act just like him because you're the only one that emphasizes being neat & tidy in the house.

    I think sometimes it was the cheating and lack of true love that broke my marriage but in retrospect, me being the only one to clean the house w/out a huge fight was probably a larger factor than I previously thought. During the divorce, my mom actually mentioned she was surprised I chose someone like that because she didn't think I'd be able to live that way for too long. Parents are wiser than I used to think, I guess.

    I wouldn't worry about the OCD, though. Making a list is a tad extreme but just liking things cleanly and orderly doesn't behoove insanity :)

  2. Don't get me wrong. My ex did clean. He did dishes and cleaned the kitchen regularly, which I do miss. I need a dish washer (actual person, I have the appliance, but need someone to use it).

    However, with everything else it was infuriating.

  3. I like you just the way you are, my friend.

  4. Please forward me your list... I could use a little of that kinda OCD myself.
    Your place sounds like mine... only add 4 kids into the mix.