I Can Do IT Myself

I've reached a point of clarity I think. Or at least I feel like I have a plan, a goal, something to work for..

Mostly, I have hope which has been lacking in the last few weeks, and a very observant man told me that a depressing theme has ran through this blog lately. Hopefully, that is now over. (Everyone cross your fingers.)

Since my ex left, I've been in a recovery from the tailspin. For many reasons which I've not gone into detail here, and I most likely won't, I've not had a good long-term outlook for potential employment. It was part of the reason that I was a housewife.

To put it simply... 

Worst case scenario: I may end up living in a bubble (almost literally).. meaning I may not be able to leave my home except for extenuating circumstances.

Best case scenario: I may never need to worry about any of this ever again, and can do whatever, whenever I want with no worries.

Best case scenario right now though is more of a fantasy than a reality, which is what I was trying to get at in my previous post about Self-Analysis.  I cannot plan on it.

I did realize the other day that I instead can make the best of this bad situation, so for the last several days I've been brainstorming career moves.

If I'm going to be saddled with living in a bubble, its going to be the Taj Mahal of bubbles, damn it! (So I need to pull in some dough)

Once I embraced this, and embraced that I am currently alone and can't expect others to build it for me.. (and discarded a bunch of self-pity I'd been holding onto)

I began to feel empowered in a way I've not felt since this whole bubble thing first was threatened on me. I've always been a "I can do it myself" person. Even from infancy, but somewhere along the road I forgot it.

I also began thinking of all the things I want to do, and things I've been wanting to do for a while now. Business plans, projects, and philanthropic ventures.  As I began thinking about those, I would discard one after another for either being a pipedream (inventing shoes that constantly keep your feet at a suitable temperature is a bit out of my skill-set) and other ideas because they would require work from others which I cannot pay for right now.

Most of this work that I would need someone else to do is computer related and something that would have been in the skillset of my ex or several of my exes.

I also realized that I don't really have a tech guy in the wings that I can run to for these things as I've always had in the past.  I ran through my memories of past relationships and almost every computer problem or upgrade or even building a new machine... was done either by a guy in my life or with the supervision of a guy in my life.

Despite the fact that since I discovered the internet in 1992 (I think that was the year) I've never been without a computer and have always spent a good portion of every day on one... I myself have never really sought out learning more about them (unless I needed to.. I like to do things myself, so yes I made them teach me the stuff I needed to know) and in part have been spoon fed everything I know about whats new in computers from the guys I've dated.

This spoon-feeding is gone.  I left my network of "go-to" geeks  in Chicago, and lost touch with many of them as they married and as I married.  With my ex no longer in the picture, there is this gaping tech hole.

I think part of the reason I love tech-geeks is that I really do like computers.  But like mowing the lawn or changing the oil in my car, I've considered it a guy's job.  Not that I couldn't do it, but a skill-set that I was lacking. 

And if I'm honest.. I also think it was partly a way for me to be that "Damsel in distress" and a way for them to be the "Hero".

I know this was the case with my ex.  When my ex and I got together, I was pretty tech-savvy for the time period.  Hardware mostly, but tech-savvy.  When we got married, I sort of dropped the tech.  He had a Masters in computers and could spin circles around me... he also didn't have the patience to teach me anything and preferred to be the "Hero".. So I let him and I concentrated my efforts on my skills that he was lacking.  And had the relationship worked, this division of labor would have been ok.

So there's a void in my geek contact. Majorly.  And part of me wants to fill that void with a nice tech-savvy sexy geek.

But as I thought about it, geeks and me haven't had the most successful track-record. Do I really want to limit my dating pool that much?  Is it really realistic? Isn't it a bit too superficial?

Anyway, it dawned on me that I really like working with computers. So I began investigating careers, and what it would take for me to get some skills to make a living.

The more I read. The more I loved it. The more excited I got.

I've always thought of myself as a geek-wannabe or a geek-groupie, but what I'm starting to realize is that I really am a geek.

and

I really don't need someone else to be geek for me.. I can do it myself!

Self-Analysis

Saturday night I went out. I was going to a final goodbye party for a friend of mine leaving town in a week.

I arrived and we chatted a bit, then everyone else came. Behn is a popular guy, and I knew there would be tons of people there. Behn is one of those guys who has never met a stranger, and its one of the reasons I love him. (Platonic love you pervs)

But Behn has his faults, and I wondered how many of his friends would share those. It seemed most of the men shared them.

Behn is superficial. He will only date smoking hot women. Seriously. The perfect woman could walk up to him, but if she's not smoking hot.. she will be automatically put in the friend-zone. Its just how he is, and he's not mean about it, and doesn't judge you as less than him or otherwise hold his nose up. He just won't see you as a viable mate.

He's also driven, and will only date a woman that can keep up with him in that ambition. She must be the best at what she does. Its how he is.

Since I am.. well.. not smoking most days.. and relatively career-less at this point.. (Behn honestly could care less, he's known me long enough to cherish our friendship for what it is, and since he's not planning on dating me.. well I could be a homeless hooker and it'd make no difference) I was a little worried about his friends and having something to talk about.

Everyone who showed up ended up being part of Behn's work colleagues. High powered executive MBA people. Most of them were married.. to.. similarly high powered executive wives.

They all seemed to talk about work stuff or trips they'd taken together or otherwise chummy things... which I knew nothing about.  A few of them were single, and we chatted.

But... me being so nervous and out of my element.. answered their questions as if I was on crack or a huge loser.

"What do you do?"

Instead of saying that I'm currently working in Social Media or Marketing.. no no.. I fumble around and say I do "Nothing" and that "I'm looking into going back to school" or even worse that I used to "work in sales, but I loathed it".  (most of the people there were ex-sales people, who worked their way to executive because they love sales and are good at it... its like walking up to a group of doctors and saying you're switching careers because doctoring sucks.) 

If you can't tell, I was a HUGE hit at the party.  I stayed around for 3 drinks, then congratulated Behn on his job and said goodnight.

Instead of going home, I decided to walk by Mac's work to see if he was there. I didn't see him, so I went to my favorite pub... by myself.. bellied up to the bar, and said "Surprise me".

There was a guy seated next to me. He was average looking but thin and adequately built. Attractive but nothing worth noting.  However, whenever I'd even start to look his way, he'd look away from me or otherwise try to ensure that we did not make eye contact so he'd not have to talk to me. 

This pissed me off.

However, I turned to the otherside of me and found a long haired old man losing his teeth smiling big at me.  I took a page from "average guy" and didn't make eye contact.

So I guess I gotta forgive average dude.

Anyway, I sat there in a bar.. all by myself.. drinking beers.  After my second, I came to the conclusion that I am depressed.

I am depressed, stressed out, and feeling a little hopeless. (these past few weeks have not been the best)

After my third beer, I was .. for lack of a better word.. in a self-harming mood. Luckily, I don't have the balls to go up to random guys and ask them to take me on the spot.

I also blame Fred for part of that mood. Damn bastard was sending me sexy dirty texts all night. Tease.

So I went home and did a lot of thinking.

I don't want to accept me as I am now. But this denial and self-loathing has to stop. 

What is that serenity prayer thing?  

"To know what I can change and accept that which I can't" or something like that.

There are some things.. that I really hope that I can change, but for my own peace of mind.. I have to accept or go on as if they're never going to change. Fighting with the unchangeable is .. well stupid, and since its always bound to fail.. depressing.

Accepting this.. will help me move on and build a life that I can do... rather than hoping in one that may never be.

I've also let myself go. I've got reasons and excuses, but I really have let myself go. I don't like what I'm seeing the mirror.

This isn't the me that I wanted to be. Ever. 

Now to become the person that I can be. That I'll be proud to be.