Self-Analysis

Saturday night I went out. I was going to a final goodbye party for a friend of mine leaving town in a week.

I arrived and we chatted a bit, then everyone else came. Behn is a popular guy, and I knew there would be tons of people there. Behn is one of those guys who has never met a stranger, and its one of the reasons I love him. (Platonic love you pervs)

But Behn has his faults, and I wondered how many of his friends would share those. It seemed most of the men shared them.

Behn is superficial. He will only date smoking hot women. Seriously. The perfect woman could walk up to him, but if she's not smoking hot.. she will be automatically put in the friend-zone. Its just how he is, and he's not mean about it, and doesn't judge you as less than him or otherwise hold his nose up. He just won't see you as a viable mate.

He's also driven, and will only date a woman that can keep up with him in that ambition. She must be the best at what she does. Its how he is.

Since I am.. well.. not smoking most days.. and relatively career-less at this point.. (Behn honestly could care less, he's known me long enough to cherish our friendship for what it is, and since he's not planning on dating me.. well I could be a homeless hooker and it'd make no difference) I was a little worried about his friends and having something to talk about.

Everyone who showed up ended up being part of Behn's work colleagues. High powered executive MBA people. Most of them were married.. to.. similarly high powered executive wives.

They all seemed to talk about work stuff or trips they'd taken together or otherwise chummy things... which I knew nothing about.  A few of them were single, and we chatted.

But... me being so nervous and out of my element.. answered their questions as if I was on crack or a huge loser.

"What do you do?"

Instead of saying that I'm currently working in Social Media or Marketing.. no no.. I fumble around and say I do "Nothing" and that "I'm looking into going back to school" or even worse that I used to "work in sales, but I loathed it".  (most of the people there were ex-sales people, who worked their way to executive because they love sales and are good at it... its like walking up to a group of doctors and saying you're switching careers because doctoring sucks.) 

If you can't tell, I was a HUGE hit at the party.  I stayed around for 3 drinks, then congratulated Behn on his job and said goodnight.

Instead of going home, I decided to walk by Mac's work to see if he was there. I didn't see him, so I went to my favorite pub... by myself.. bellied up to the bar, and said "Surprise me".

There was a guy seated next to me. He was average looking but thin and adequately built. Attractive but nothing worth noting.  However, whenever I'd even start to look his way, he'd look away from me or otherwise try to ensure that we did not make eye contact so he'd not have to talk to me. 

This pissed me off.

However, I turned to the otherside of me and found a long haired old man losing his teeth smiling big at me.  I took a page from "average guy" and didn't make eye contact.

So I guess I gotta forgive average dude.

Anyway, I sat there in a bar.. all by myself.. drinking beers.  After my second, I came to the conclusion that I am depressed.

I am depressed, stressed out, and feeling a little hopeless. (these past few weeks have not been the best)

After my third beer, I was .. for lack of a better word.. in a self-harming mood. Luckily, I don't have the balls to go up to random guys and ask them to take me on the spot.

I also blame Fred for part of that mood. Damn bastard was sending me sexy dirty texts all night. Tease.

So I went home and did a lot of thinking.

I don't want to accept me as I am now. But this denial and self-loathing has to stop. 

What is that serenity prayer thing?  

"To know what I can change and accept that which I can't" or something like that.

There are some things.. that I really hope that I can change, but for my own peace of mind.. I have to accept or go on as if they're never going to change. Fighting with the unchangeable is .. well stupid, and since its always bound to fail.. depressing.

Accepting this.. will help me move on and build a life that I can do... rather than hoping in one that may never be.

I've also let myself go. I've got reasons and excuses, but I really have let myself go. I don't like what I'm seeing the mirror.

This isn't the me that I wanted to be. Ever. 

Now to become the person that I can be. That I'll be proud to be.