Combating The Friend Zone

I was talking to a twitter friend last night about the Friend Zone and how to combat it.

Every girl has different friend zones for guys.  Some friends are "gay friends" meaning they're good friends but they might as well be gay for all the interest she has in them.  Some friends are "hopeful friends" meaning friends that she'd consider dating if the time and circumstances were right (these friends she probably met either while she was dating someone else, or while they were dating someone else.)  There's different variations of these groupings and of course some girls have more groups, but basically it boils down to.. male friends that she'll never sleep with, and male friends that she might.

If you are in the "gay friends" category, you have absolutely no hope. Seriously. Don't try.  Guys in this category usually (unless they really are gay) don't get touched, and often are asked advice on things the girl would never ask anyone she wanted to sleep with. These guys get treated almost exactly like her girl-friends.

If you're in the "hopeful friends" category, you've got a chance. It might be a small chance, but a chance. If you're wanting to move things out of the Friend Zone.. please read the following warning.

WARNING: Moving Out Of The Friend Zone May Be Hazardous To Your Health (or at least the health of your relationship)

1. Moving out of the Friend Zone in most cases will end the friendship. Period. This is a chance you're going to have to take if you really want to date her.

2. You do not get to be pouty, annoyed, or hurt if she rejects you. You were her friend and she trusted you to be her friend and obey the friend rules.  She gets to be pissed and feel betrayed if you try to change the rules, you do not.  She has done nothing wrong, you have. Understand this before you make any kind of move.

3. Decide before you move on her if you want to save the relationship in the event she rejects your overtures of romance. If you want to save it, you must take her rejection like a man. Don't argue with her. Don't plead. Don't beg. Merely just say, Ok. Take a couple days of "space" to regroup then resume friendship as normal (no touching, no overtures of anything that isn't 100% platonic). You'll have to win back your trusted role of friend.

Now.. onto the juicy..

How to move out of the Friend Zone:

1. Before you even get started, you must make sure that she's available. Hitting on her while she's with someone, is just douchy. Exceptions to this would be if she's suddenly gotten engaged or is talking about moving in with him, where you feel like its your last chance to come clean. (In this latter instance, you'll not be able to save the friendship and you'll need to make a ballsy in her face "speech" about how you feel. This most times does not work, but I understand sometimes you just have to try.)

2. Take things slow. Small hints that you're more than friends.. such as small touches that aren't platonic in nature but not overtly sexual. Extended hugs. Talks with lots of eye contact, gazing into her eyes. Simple flirting. If she pulls away, bad sign (probably best if you just accept the friendship). If she doesn't, good sign. If she reciprocates, you're good.

3. Even if she reciprocates, moving from Friendship into Relationship is bumpy. Yes I said relationship. There is no casual sex here, you don't get to date around. The 99% of the time the choices will be.. Fuck-Buddy or exclusive Boyfriend. You've gotten to know her well already, she's gotten to know you. You've been in her inner circle. She trusts you. 

Now Fuck buddy might be confusing, because I said no casual sex.. but let me explain.. you might be her friend because she doesn't find you datable.  In which case, she may take you on as a sexual partner. You will still be required to be a friend, but she'll see other people. This usually ends the friendship quickly and there is usually no coming back from this. The sex is not casual because you're emotionally connected/invested.  If you go along with this option, especially if you wanted to date her, she'll lose all respect for you. Whipped.

Exclusive Boyfriend. You've been around. You're connected to her. You've learned a lot about her. If you do not want to become her exclusive boyfriend, just suck it up and be just friends with her. Trust me, if she wants to date you.. she'll expect you to be exclusive rather quickly. You've been given privilege to be her friend her confidant. She won't be giving that up just for a casual affair. You should know whether you want her or not, and she'll expect you to show it.


4. So you're still convinced you want to attempt date this girl?  Awesome! She's a lucky gal! If she's been giving you good signs, increase the frequency and intensity of your flirtation gradually until you're certain that she feels the same about you.  At this point, you have to do two things..

Kiss her. This is probably the best way to get your point across. Do not surprise her with this, but wait until it seems right.

Tell her how you feel, and what you want.. (aka to date her).

These two things do not have to be done in any order, but both are needed. If she rejects you on either one, please note "warning #2" and behave accordingly. Do not attempt both if she rejects you on one of them.  If she rejects the kiss, you may appologize and explain yourself but do not try to change her mind.