Gimme A Naked Man

So I went out last night. It was a friend's birthday party, Crissy, and so it was an obligation as well as I needed to get out.

I'd love to pretend for you all that I've not written because I've been extremely busy dating and going out and meeting people, but that would be lies.  Instead, I've been battling some very painful sickness, which at one point had me seriously considering suicide. I know, scared the hell out of me too.  So I've not really been out much at all, and have been hermitting to a point of extremely scary. When you're sick, you just don't feel social unless you're one of those girls that likes people to feel sorry for her and bring her soup and fluff her pillows. I'm much too independant for that. My arm could be cut off and I'd still want to do the tournequet myself. You actually know I'm desperately ill (aka get worried) when I actually request help or let you do things for me.

So I've not been social lately, partly because I didn't want to, and partly because I didn't want people to see me like that. Yes, I have my vanity. So I haven't had much to write about or much want to write really.

But I've been feeling a little better, and for the last few days, had an extreme need to go out and be social... if nothing else have a drink.

So I went to Chrissy's birthday bash. I get there just in time to see Chrissy in a conga line with several others. Yeah, it was gunna be a good night baby!

There were about 20-30 people there as part of Chrissy's group and I met maybe 10 of them. A few of the girls I knew from before and were ok, but a couple of the new girls.. well.. lets say wow. (yes, thats not a good wow)

So the "cool" people were all hanging out and catching up on each others lives. Whats new.. whats old.. and Ooo did you hear.. While listening to music, doing a jig, and drinking.

We then moved the party over to the karaoke room. A few of us gathering at tables to watch the show. We're joking and laughing and parts of the party were staying for a few then leaving then coming and leaving..

Then this attractive man shows up. Sees me. Smiles, and comes over jokes with me and sits down next to me.

He's dressed well, showing he has some taste other than tshirts and jeans, but not dressed well enough to set off my douchebag sensors.

For Chrissy's birthday, someone had given her a small leather flogger. Getty was holding it and playing with it next to me and Wade (the attractive man next to me). 

Seriously, introduce a flogger to a group of drunk people and you'll never look at any of them the same way again. I promise.

I teased Getty about her being a masochist since she kept hitting herself with it (not hard, just tapping it against her side), and she informed me that she had one at home. Boggle. Though I really should not be surprised, I was.

I do not have a flogger yet, but I assure you I will soon. 

So Wade jumps in the conversation, half teasing Getty, but full on flirting with me. After my month or more of hermitville, I was surprised and flattered, and more than willing to flirt back. 

This broke out my evil side. Most people don't realize (at least right away) that I am truely evil. Sure sure, I may sound and look a little too reserved or be a little too goody goody.. but I am all about encouraging others to do things they shouldn't.

Wade watched in amusement as I prodded Getty into using the flogger more seriously, and on other people. Random men walking by.. "Oh he looks like he's been a very bad boy.. Getty, you know he needs a little spanking.."

The evil glimmer in my eye was sparkling brightly and Wade was eating it up. Then I turned Getty on him. Telling him that he looked like he needed a little something, that he wanted to be spanked. I even teased that I could do it properly. 

He squirmed in his chair and discouraged Getty and pleaded with me to stop encouraging her. I just grinned evilly, and winked at him.

"I'm sorry, I'm evil. I can't help it. And you do look like you're in need of it."

He flashed me a smile, and a look that said "If only I could put you over my knee."

Then Mr. DrunkenPants happened, and Getty went to help him. He was supposedly part of our group. He was about 30? and so drunk that he was nauseated. 

This interupted our sexy banter, but also left Wade and I alone to talk. The song turned country, and I mentioned to Wade that I found it strange how much of the karaoke picks were country music. (Most Austin karaoke seems to be rock btw) He responded that he liked country music and asked what I liked. I flirtingly responded that I liked a bit of everything.

I told him that I grew up on country music (I did) and had a bit of nostalgic love for it. He wanted to know what kind. The old twang or the new more rock-like country. I said both, and told him about my college years going to country bars to dance two-step.

He heard two-step, and insisted that I go dance with him. There was no saying no (Seriously sexy),  despite my pleading that I did not have dancing shoes on. I had on purpose worn flipflops that would make dancing difficult so I wouldn't be tempted to go club dance with Chrissy and injure my knees. I didn't expect anyone showing up to like to country dance.  Next time I'll know better.

So he whisks me off to the dance floor. I'm stepping on toes and having trouble following. 

1. because I'm rusty with my two-step.

2. the song was two-step in double time (like two-step on fast forward)

3. I'm concentrating on not losing my shoes.

But I managed to pull it off, and we had a great dance.

As we walked off the dance floor, he held my hand, moving his fingers to interlace with mine. I did not want to return to our group. I was all "take me home now buddy". (yeah its been a while since I've had sex, stop judging me) :)

As we get a few feet off the dance floor, we both seem to realize that we've just met and realize we're holding hands, fingers interlaced, and we stop holding hands. It was one of those moments.. like being drunk in a dark bar and kissing someone, and then when they turn the lights on to go home, you realize just how much you're in public.

We walked back to the group together. Talking and flirting. When we'd returned, Getty shot me a look like "you go girl"... then drunk girl happened.

This girl who honestly looked trashy, was drunk and Getty had witnessed her doing a full on makeout session in the other room with some guy, returned to our group and latched herself onto Wade pushing me away. Wade looked at me pleadingly to help him.

I tried, but she would not be swayed. She was quite intent on owning Wade, and he was nicely trying to extract her. The more I tried, the more closely she clung. Wade all the while appologizing to me, and complaining about her.

It was then that I was informed that our group was being kicked out because Mr. DrunkenPants had puked on the floor. (Seriously, it was like college deja vu)

We were all meeting at another place. A strip joint. 

I'd been warned about this prior to going to the party that the night would end at a local strip joint. Since I'd never been to one before, I decided it might be a good time to go check it out. 

Wade was being responsible and trying to arrange rides for those who were too drunk to drive. Since I was stone cold sober, I offered my services. Mostly I offered them because I didn't want drunkgirl trying to go with him in his car, and partly because I was hoping that he'd take up the offer himself. He unfortunately was completely sober too, but he did jump on my offer to take drunkgirl. He was very consistent in his not wanting to be with her.

So after what seemed like hours of trying to manipulate drunk people.. drunkgirl got in my car (put there by Wade himself) and Getty drove the Mr Drunkenpants car to his place about a mile away and I was to pick her up there.

As I take off, Drunkgirl starts telling me about Wade, revealing to me that she and Wade are good friends. She and Mr DrunkenPants are also good friends. It was myself and Getty that were the new people to the group. 

At this news, I was no longer very happy with Wade. If she was really his friend, it was his responsiblity to take her drunk ass home.. not mine. The more she talked, the more I realized. I am quite certain that Wade and her are FWB friends, and his displeasure stemmed less from revulsion of her and more of being pissed that she'd f'd things up for him with anyone else. 

I really try not to judge people, but I fail all the time. After seeing this girl, I'm not sure I want any penis that's been near her to be anywhere near me. I'm quite sure Wade has no idea what hill he'll have to climb to get back on my good side. He may even need a full delousing as well as a note from his doctor.

Drunkgirl also entertains me with stories about how she's not that drunk, despite claiming that she doesn't know where she lives, and that she walks like the world is tilting from side to side. She was dressed in clothes that were obviously too small for her that made me wonder what industrial strength thread was holding up the seams. She tells me got divorced 3 yrs ago as proof that this is just a one time thing, an emotional release. I refrain from telling her that my ex left me a litttle over a year ago, and I just signed papers letting him sell the house so him and his girlfriend can go buy a new lovenest closer to the city.

She repeats that she's not that drunk. At least 20 times on the way to pick up Getty.

At Mr DrunkenPant's place, Getty is still trying to pry him out of his car. She's being too damn nice, I think, but thats Getty.  So I get out and tell Drunkgirl to get out and help her friend into his house. She doesn't move.

I am by this point lividly pissed at the entire situation.

Mr. DrunkenPant's is complaining about me that he doesn't know me or Getty. (Dear Mr. DrunkenPants, When getting drunk, make sure you have at least one friend who'll drive you home. And don't complain about the niceness of strangers. Thanks)  So I go get Drunkgirl and tell her that her friend is complaining that he doesn't know us and I point blank tell her to get her ass out of my car and help him.

She does. Finally.

She leads Mr. DrunkenPants to his bathroom, and I try to snag Getty to get her to leave with me so we can ditch both of them there. Getty insists she needs to obey Mr DrunkenPant's wishes and calls the place where his daughter is staying asking them to keep her overnight. (Its midnight, I think they've already figured that out. But she calls anyway.)

So as soon she can, Drunkengirl runs back out to my car and plants herself in it. No choice but to take her with us.

We finally take off to go to the Cabaret, and half the ride there Drunkgirl is telling us she's not that drunk, and that she's a responsible person. I stop myself from telling her she's overselling it.  She then gets out her phone and calls Wade. (Yes they are good friends. Asshole.) She then proceeds to bitch out Wade for putting her in a car with strangers. 

I correct her "No no.. we're strange bitches."

She tells him, and continues on her rant calling us strangers and how dare he...

I correct her again.. "No no.. we are psychotic crazy women"

She tells him that exactly. (Hey I have to get some fun out of this)

We arrive at the Cabaret and she's still on the phone with him. She doesn't exit the car. 

"Please get out of my car so I can lock it."

She grumbles and gets out. I lock the car and run off toward the entrance with Getty. Drunkengirl follows, but never actually enters the establishment.

We presume she doesn't have the $10 cover.

Due to all the shenanigans, Getty and I are late and we've lost half the party. Wade is no where to be seen, so I can't even bitch at him myself.

So Getty and I find our own corner and sit down. I watch the show trying to simmer down and have fun. This is my first time at a strip club, so I wanted to relax and watch and see what all the commotion is about.

What I'm seeing is a combination of gymnastics, high heels, and no clothes.. plus a few moves you can see on any club dance floor anywhere.  A couple girls were talented and impressive, but most were merely flexible girls showing their goods. B O R I N G.

Now I might be more entertained had there been a couple nearly naked men doing it, but if I want to see tities shake I can do that in my mirror at home. Thats at least more fun because I can challenge myself to get them to shake in different ways or do different things.. But there was no challenge and no fun to be had.

It didn't help any that I was tired I'm sure.

Getty however was all into it. I really think she's gay (for more reasons than just this btw), but she has to realize that herself. She was oohing and ahhing over the girls.. or at least some girls.. and even got a lap dance. Even though the lap dance was happening right next to me, I got distracted by the lights or something, because I only saw a bit of it and then when I looked back the girl was putting her clothes back on. It has become glaringly obvious to me that women are not my thing. 

Despite my family's confusion once in thinking that I and my best friend were lesbian lovers, and despite that sometimes men piss me off to the point of wanting to give up on men completely... I just have never had a thing for women. My friends and I have never had girly snuggling sessions. I've never kissed a girl nor have I been tempted to. The closest to gay I've gotten was when I was 8 or 10 or something and a girlfriend came over for a sleepover. She convinced me to play a doctor type thing, where we sucked on each others nipples. It seemed weird at the time and meant absolutely nothing. It felt like the equivalent of being licked in the face by my dog. A little bit of Eww.

I've never really understood some girls' draw to each other for physical affection, kissing, teasing, playing, or sex. I'm just not wired that way.

Now.. give me a naked man.. Thats a whole different story.