Why Can't He Be A Loser?

^&^(*^&(*^&(*^*(^(&%&^%^$%$%^&*())(*&)&%&^&$$# (insane unrecognizable cussing streak)

Well damn it. (insert more cussing in some language unknown to man) I've a problem. A big problem.

I really thought seeing Hock again would bring out some flaw I missed. That his rude booty-text would have tainted my view of him enough that I would find him repulsive or at the very least unattractive. Or hope of hopes that last time I was wearing some huge beer goggles and would finally see him in a different - less attractive - light.

nope. 

I got to see him in his element, with his people, and learned more about him.

I f'n really like the bastard. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhit.

It didn't help that seeing him jogged my memory of how well he kissed. He's got some great lips. Remembering how they felt on mine. How his hands felt..  (pardon me while I do a little daydream here.. )

Or that he was nice and polite.. and unreadable. (I could not read at freaking thing from him. Nadda. Much like the last time I saw him where I couldn't tell if he was or was not interested. I hate it and secretly love it. I'm a bit of a masochist obviously.)

I wanted to get a moment where we could just talk a little, but that moment never happened.

At the end of the evening, he gave me a one-armed hug just like he did everyone else, and bid me a safe drive home. (so very un-climatic) 

I would of course try to have a tryst with someone who despite his booty-text faux-pas fits the criteria of someone I'd actually date. 

Next time, I'm going to make sure I can't stand the guy, or at the very least am embarrassed to be with him in public.

Not Your BootyCall

Sometimes I can't tell if I'm a mental case, saying I want one thing and in reality wanting something else... or if the standards I have for what I want are just wrong or unreasonable. Or?

Hock texted me at 3am.  I knew he'd been out all night drinking and having fun because we follow each other on Twitter and thus I see his Foursquare posts. That he was out all night, I didn't care really and it mattered not. It was merely just twitterfeed.

But am I out of my mind to be "offended" or otherwise upset for him texting me at 3am wondering what I'm doing so he can ask me to get together to screw around?

I am highly sensitive to feeling like someone's last choice or "well if there's nothing else, she'll do".. and I do not bear it well. Which is exactly how I perceive a 3 am bootycall text.

At first, I thought he was drunk and was merely going to tell him to go get some sleep. If he was drunk, I could forgive it or at least give him some leeway. But he assured me he was sober and driving home past my place.

Trying to get a booty call from me at 3am.. Never going to happen.

I told him I wasn't the "booty call kind of girl". 

He apologized. We texted a bit more, but now I'm even more not sure if I should go to that party he invited me to..

Do I go and make nice and be "friends" and forgive him?  Or do I stay home, and let things fade completely?

I was up most of the night (insomnia not related to this) and pondered this because well it really upset me. I really didn't expect him to think that that kind of behavior was acceptable. The more I thought about it the more upset and pissed off I got.

No one calls or texts someone they barely know at 3 am for any reason other than a major emergency and they can't get a hold of anyone else. 

Had we had a long history of bootycall behavior in which him calling me last minute for sex was known to be ok, I could have bore it better. But we don't. We actually never discussed bootycalls at all, and were only together once. Not wanting a serious relationship does not indicate that courtesy and respect goes out the window, or at least it shouldn't.

Had he called me or texted me earlier in the evening and set up a "sex date", I'd have been more willing to say yes or at least considered it without being this offended/upset. But, no no, he texts me as he's driving home at 3 am hoping that I'm awake and horny. 

Right or wrong, his actions indicate to me that he doesn't really respect me as a person and I feel cheap.

As angry at him that I am, I'm equally angry with myself..  justly or unjustly I blame myself.

It's little events like this that make me never want to open my legs again.

Knowing What You Want VS Need

I woke up today and realized I'm old. I guess I was too sick for it to hit me a couple days ago, but this year is number 37. Just typing that feels surreal and causes a little bit of anxiety.

I'm actually really angry. I'm angry at my ex, but I'm mostly angry at myself.

Somehow I managed to get to 37 with no husband or kids or not really much of a career to speak of.

The no-kids I used to pride myself on. I was safe and took precautions... always. Now I find myself wondering if I should have just "slipped up" once or twice.

I've never really been a baby-fever kinda girl. Really. Just ask my sisters. I never ruled out kids, but I wasn't dreaming of having a bunch of babies either. I actually don't really like babies. Now when they're walking and talking, thats more my speed.

But there was one thing I realized during my marriage. I want a child. Of my own.

And that is the biggest drawback in dating most men my age. Most of the men in my age range who want kids also want the springier chickens. The rest of the men in my age range already have all the kids the they want.. if they wanted kids at all.

I know I could be happy without kids. I know its a dream that if I had to, I could live without.

I could help raise his kids. I could do a lot of things and be happy with whatever comes.

But there's this one thing.. and until I'm out of baby-making-age or its proven impossible for me to have a child of my own... its going to be there in the back of my mind.

I want a child. Of my own. And I'll resent anyone who stands in the way of making that possible. Even myself.