The Good Fight

There is nothing like a good fight. Ok... arguement.. discussion.. whatever you want to call it when two people disagree, voice it, and come to a resolution.. hopefully without killing each other or causing undue bodily or emotional/mental harm.

I like a good arguement. Not all the time. Not every day. But when the time it is right, the subject is right, then yes.. a good arguement.

I've always known the importance of disagreement. Partly from my parents who when I was a child disagreed often and probably more so than was healthy. But they worked it out, and this is eventually what I took away from it.

Then came the ex.. He disagreed on nothing. A few times he'd disagree, and I'd start to get into my arguing mode producing my evidence for my stance, and he'd back down. I assumed (wrongly) that because he did so.. that the subject was not important or that I'd turned him to agree with me.

What I didn't know.. and didn't understand.. is that while I understood good arguements and resolution.. He didn't.

While I love his father.. it wasn't until way late in the marriage when I realized that it was his father who taught him this. His father taught him to back down to any confrontation from a woman. If she said it.. she got her way. Period. (Partly this is because his mother is a lunatic..)

So I was left most of the marriage trying to get out of my ex what it was that he wanted. I tried coaxing it out of him. I tried giving him options of compromises that I'd agree to.. to which he merely let me do whatever it was I wanted.. all the while myself knowing that he had an opinion he just didn't want to share it.

He refused to tell me things that might possibly in some way of any kind.. upset me. Sometimes these were minor things.. he'd broken a glass.. and sometimes these were major things.. the company was downsizing or there was something wrong with his health.

To most people.. he'd be considered a nice guy.. to me, he was a doormat. Passive-aggressive. His way of dealing (by not dealing) caused me more stress than anything. I worried. I fretted. I nearly drove myself crazy trying to get answers out of him.

Then I gave up. Really. He said it was ok to get whatever curtains I wanted. I would. I stopped consulting him on things. I did whatever I wanted. He did whatever he wanted. We had our routine and stuck to that. I pretended not to care.. until I really didn't anymore.

Probably needless to say that we drifted apart. The thing is.. the relationship probably could have been salvaged.. if only we'd had that fight. We had the anger anyway. We had the resentment. We just never had the resolution.

Since then, I've noticed how that has changed me. Downside: I don't press people for anything anymore (which often means I don't ask anyone any questions and it can look like I don't care). Upside: If someone doesn't answer me, or doesn't want to talk to me.. I move on without care to someone who does.

But I also find myself really liking a good argument (not a forced argument.. don't be silly and try to make a fight) where both viewpoints are expressed.. I find myself respecting the other person a whole ton.. and sometimes finding them sexy where before I did not.

Its not about arguing for arguement's sake.. its about the freedom to express yourself and your partner feeling free to express themselves.. its not about the conflict.. its about your ability to have it and still come to a resolution.

Its not the fight.. its the making up. Its about honesty. Its about trust. Its about making sure you’re both on the same path… Together.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

The other night I went out with some friends. These are newish friends and are a lot of fun. 

So anyway, they invite their friends. I invite my friends. Its a friends of friends of friends party essentially.

And I meet men. Plural.

As statistics go, it was about normal. Most were married. Some were gay. A few were single.

One of the married men is a friend of mine already. We've been flirting innocently for months. I've met his wife and think she's pretty awesome... well when she's not on a soapbox.. but then I suppose I'm not all that awesome when I'm on mine either. They're a great couple though, and the flirting is just a little fun. Though I have to say, should he suddenly be single.. that might change. (insert sly wink here)

I do have to say though that when she joked about trading him in for a younger model, I nearly grabbed him and put a dibs on him myself.  I was a little tipsy at the time. Luckily just a little tipsy. He's taken. I get it and I admire it. Doesn't make him any less eye candy though.

The gay guy was well.. wow. He wasn't over the top gay. Just looking at him he looked like any ordinary completely gorgeous manly athletic straight man. Seriously HOT. And then he spoke.

He didn't have a huge lisp or a feminine voice really, so it wasn't a huge giveaway to the general public.  However, he was all about "fabulous" with the appropriate inflections, and friendly in a platonic fun way that only happily married men and men who completely aren't interested in you and have no concerns at all that you might be. He was fun and engaging, and I soooo want him.. as my new best friend. :) 

However almost immediately after entering the bar, I noticed this guy. He was dressed like I like em. Button down shirt, slacks, nice shoes. Yes I totally get off on business attire. Shut up.

He however looked like he was good friends maybe more with a friend of mine. So I backed off initially. He was buying her drinks and I assumed they were together. 

We talked a bit about his job which is unrelated to anything I do, and Hock immediately was in his wallet and giving me his card. I didn't ask for it nor did I show extra interest in what he did thus provoking a card. He just gave me one.

This got my thoughts going, and I started doubting that they were more than friends. Maybe I was crazy, but I felt slightly hit on. I shrugged it off and moved on to mingle elsewhere.

My girl friends however were way ahead of me drinking. They were off flirting and groping strange men and men they knew. 

"So you're having a butt grabbing game?"

"Yes, you should join us! Go grope someone.." they replied as they scoped the room looking for a victim for me.

"Umm I'm way not drunk enough for that yet. Let me go catch up."

Thus the tone of the night was set, and I got tipsy despite all efforts at self-control. Ok, there wasn't much effort at self-control.

I mingled. I flirted. Single. Married. Gay. I flirted, and I drank.

Then I ran into Hock again. This time we talked more, played bar games together, and flirted. 

We drifted apart each mingling in different areas of the bar, and met up again. Flirted, and I wrapped my arm around his waist. He put his arm around me.

This is where things got fuzzy. Up until this point, I wasn't sure if he was or was not into me. He was laid back, relaxed, and non-aggressive. I normally assume this to be not interested. 

However our exchange while our bodies were close and touching was anything but platonic. He'd mentioned several times in absolute seriousness that he was just out for fun right now. I got the impression that there was more to it, some kind of lingering pain or psychosis that he'd not worked through yet. But fun.. sounded fun.

He asked if I wanted to take this somewhere else. I honestly can't remember if the question was go somewhere else like another bar, or if it was a go have sex question. I know I answered it as the latter.

"How about your place?"

"Ok. Let me close out." 

He was sweet and polite, and it confused me. I think I might be a little jaded. I waited while he went to the bar to close out.

He was polite the entire way out. We left arm in arm and he walked me back to my car as he told me his address. Not once did he ask for my number. So I assumed this was one night stand fun. I'd already figured that out by his mention of just wanting to have fun.

He then began to "sell" me on himself in an awkward insecure kind of way. Essentially telling me that he's more than financially sound, and talking about his political beliefs (which were sexy btw)... I honestly felt like telling him..

"Dude I'm in this for the sex. Your trust funds, stock portfolio, or whatever matter not. You said fun, not dating. Are you changing your mind now?"

But I didn't. I merely told him that his finances mattered not at all to me.

We get to my car and we kiss. He's a good kisser, but kind. Gentle. I know I'm a good kisser, and I know I know how to provoke a man into being an animal. So I tried. We were getting hot and heavy, but the more I tried to provoke him the more docile he seemed to get, and the more turned on.

I admit having power over a man sexually is pretty damn awesome, but on a one night stand kind of fun thing.. I'm not used to being in charge. I'd much rather the guy pin me to the wall and take me. But the more I tried to encourage it, the less it seemed to happen.

At one point I even remarked to him about it, hinting that I thought he was taking the backseat, being a submissive, or whatever. If he'd have verbally owned it, I'd have taken charge.. but he insisted that he could be the animal just not in the public setting we were in. He promised if I came to his place that he'd show me.

So after about an hour or so of making out and causing a public scene. More than once being told to "get a room". No clothes came off.. just kissing. I told him I'd meet him at his place. I reminded him that he didn't have my number, and he replied with, "well you have my card right?"

Weird.

So I go to meet him at his place but stop off at my apt quickly first to freshen up. My makeup is all over the place and my nose was beet red from his 5 o'clock shadow. I needed some major fixing. I also slipped on some sexy lingerie.

I also felt my "illness" acting up.. the one I've mentioned in previous posts. Its actually a "condition" not an illness, so not communicable.. but nevertheless I took my meds and hoped that would put an end to the symptoms and let me have a good couple hours of sex. He promised just a fun thing, so I figured I just needed to be symptom-free for a few hours.

I get to his place. He apologizes for its state (which is cleaner than my place btw). We resume kissing and find our way to the bedroom.

What happened was not what I was prepared for.. and maybe you readers can help me by letting me know if this is normal or if I'm crazy.

I tease and taunt, but still he's being docile and sweet. I began to wonder where this animal in him was hiding and if I was ever going to see it. I initiated him taking his clothes off and he did. I took my outer clothes off and left my lingerie and bra on, he never bothered to take off either one and left it completely up to me. I don't know if I'd have left them on if he'd ever have initiated me removing them. As it was, it was I that initiated and removed my own bra and panties, but the lacy camisole stayed on out of my own curiosity if he'd ask me to remove it. He did not. It was strange being so in charge of everything. Yet he told me constantly how hot I was and how sexy he found me.

He was sweet the whole time, so much so that it tugged at my heart and I thought about dating him. He'd mentioned that he'd not done this in a long time, and the way he said it made me believe him.

The sex was awkward. He would get going. I'd get going, and just as I was really getting going, he'd stop. He did this once, twice, threetimes.. I started to get very fucking annoyed.  So I asked him about it, and he said he was doing it on purpose to tease me.. 

"I wondered when you'd notice"

Seriously wanted to beat him, but he knocked it off and go going. Still it felt more like we were trying to make love rather than fuck. It was weird.  The roughest he got was with sucking/biting my neck, which he ended up giving me a hickey.

When we were finished, he wanted talk. Chat. Chit Chat. Converse. He wanted me to ask him about himself. To get to know him. WTF? After sex, I'm lucky to be able to form words. He told me how beautiful and sexy I was.  (He did amit after sex that his whole starting/stopping thing wasn't intentional. I didn't ask for more details but I should have.)

Then he wanted to cuddle. Really cuddle. Not just that after sex little cuddling thing, but cuddle like you would in a real relationship. Sweetly.

My head was seriously trying to wrap my mind around it. I wanted to lecture him that he can choose "fun" or a "relationship" but he really needs to be more clear about what he wants.

He wanted me to spend the night. He wanted to sleep cuddling. I tried to acquiesce but I am not a sleeping cuddler.  I'll cuddle. I'll sleep. But unless I'm dead tired, I don't do both at the same time.. especially not without being in a real relationship.

Finally I tell him that I need to sleep and I roll away. He falls asleep before I do, and starts snoring. Adorably he sleeps with a pillow over his face to muffle the sound. Seriously how adorable is that?

Then my "condition" started acting up. I could feel it was going to be bad. My stomach started to hurt, and I was going to need to use the restroom. More than that though, I was holding onto a fart that was going to be huge... if it was just a fart, might be more disgusting than that.

There was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to let it go at his place. He was sweet and nice, and if I wanted any hope of this happening again or possibly some kind of relationship thing in the future... I needed to go home. But I also didn't want to be that person that ditches someone.

I had to wake him up, and I felt like a bitch for doing. I tossed all sorts of reasons of why I couldn't stay around my head. Telling him I had a huge fart was not going to happen.

So I woke him telling him that I couldn't sleep and needed to go home. He insisted I could sleep there, pleading. I insisted that I needed to go home.

I felt like an ass.

He got up and showed me out. Giving me a tender hug and a kiss as we said our goodbyes.

He still didn't ask for my number.  I did email him the next day with a thank you and my number. We've text flirted a bit since and hinting at doing it again someday.

But this was not what I'd call a "fun thing", and I get the impression that he's much more of a relationship man. Maybe I'm wrong.

I Can Do IT Myself

I've reached a point of clarity I think. Or at least I feel like I have a plan, a goal, something to work for..

Mostly, I have hope which has been lacking in the last few weeks, and a very observant man told me that a depressing theme has ran through this blog lately. Hopefully, that is now over. (Everyone cross your fingers.)

Since my ex left, I've been in a recovery from the tailspin. For many reasons which I've not gone into detail here, and I most likely won't, I've not had a good long-term outlook for potential employment. It was part of the reason that I was a housewife.

To put it simply... 

Worst case scenario: I may end up living in a bubble (almost literally).. meaning I may not be able to leave my home except for extenuating circumstances.

Best case scenario: I may never need to worry about any of this ever again, and can do whatever, whenever I want with no worries.

Best case scenario right now though is more of a fantasy than a reality, which is what I was trying to get at in my previous post about Self-Analysis.  I cannot plan on it.

I did realize the other day that I instead can make the best of this bad situation, so for the last several days I've been brainstorming career moves.

If I'm going to be saddled with living in a bubble, its going to be the Taj Mahal of bubbles, damn it! (So I need to pull in some dough)

Once I embraced this, and embraced that I am currently alone and can't expect others to build it for me.. (and discarded a bunch of self-pity I'd been holding onto)

I began to feel empowered in a way I've not felt since this whole bubble thing first was threatened on me. I've always been a "I can do it myself" person. Even from infancy, but somewhere along the road I forgot it.

I also began thinking of all the things I want to do, and things I've been wanting to do for a while now. Business plans, projects, and philanthropic ventures.  As I began thinking about those, I would discard one after another for either being a pipedream (inventing shoes that constantly keep your feet at a suitable temperature is a bit out of my skill-set) and other ideas because they would require work from others which I cannot pay for right now.

Most of this work that I would need someone else to do is computer related and something that would have been in the skillset of my ex or several of my exes.

I also realized that I don't really have a tech guy in the wings that I can run to for these things as I've always had in the past.  I ran through my memories of past relationships and almost every computer problem or upgrade or even building a new machine... was done either by a guy in my life or with the supervision of a guy in my life.

Despite the fact that since I discovered the internet in 1992 (I think that was the year) I've never been without a computer and have always spent a good portion of every day on one... I myself have never really sought out learning more about them (unless I needed to.. I like to do things myself, so yes I made them teach me the stuff I needed to know) and in part have been spoon fed everything I know about whats new in computers from the guys I've dated.

This spoon-feeding is gone.  I left my network of "go-to" geeks  in Chicago, and lost touch with many of them as they married and as I married.  With my ex no longer in the picture, there is this gaping tech hole.

I think part of the reason I love tech-geeks is that I really do like computers.  But like mowing the lawn or changing the oil in my car, I've considered it a guy's job.  Not that I couldn't do it, but a skill-set that I was lacking. 

And if I'm honest.. I also think it was partly a way for me to be that "Damsel in distress" and a way for them to be the "Hero".

I know this was the case with my ex.  When my ex and I got together, I was pretty tech-savvy for the time period.  Hardware mostly, but tech-savvy.  When we got married, I sort of dropped the tech.  He had a Masters in computers and could spin circles around me... he also didn't have the patience to teach me anything and preferred to be the "Hero".. So I let him and I concentrated my efforts on my skills that he was lacking.  And had the relationship worked, this division of labor would have been ok.

So there's a void in my geek contact. Majorly.  And part of me wants to fill that void with a nice tech-savvy sexy geek.

But as I thought about it, geeks and me haven't had the most successful track-record. Do I really want to limit my dating pool that much?  Is it really realistic? Isn't it a bit too superficial?

Anyway, it dawned on me that I really like working with computers. So I began investigating careers, and what it would take for me to get some skills to make a living.

The more I read. The more I loved it. The more excited I got.

I've always thought of myself as a geek-wannabe or a geek-groupie, but what I'm starting to realize is that I really am a geek.

and

I really don't need someone else to be geek for me.. I can do it myself!

Will He or Won't He Marry Me?

I keep hearing this "horror" stories about girls who date guys for year and years and years, and complain that the guy doesn't marry them.

If you are one of these girls... SHUT UP and be happy or GET OUT.

Those are your choices.

If a guy wants to marry you, he will.  Unless he's majorly stupid, he'll know relatively soon.

There's some really great advice on this over at LuvemorLeavem.

Personally, unless the guy has said he never ever wants to marry again. In which case, I know going in that marriage is not on the table. I won't date anyone more than 2 yrs, and after the first year I'm evaluating whether or not I want to stay as I'm already feeling like he's not going to propose (aka not that into me).

Yes, I know... you think I'm crazy and that I should give men more time.

In my family, there is little divorce. Partly because its just not done, and partly because we don't do wishy washy. You either want to, or you don't.

Most marriages in my family.. on both sides of my family.. the engagement happened around the 6 month mark, and were married by a year or so into the relationship.  So from starting dating to married was roughly a years time. (Some were less than a years time btw)

This is my background or my examples of long-term marriage. 

I've also seen long-term dating work out well, but those couples are also on the same page. They don't expect marriage or want marriage and are perfectly happy with things as they are.  They work out things together, rather than one of them whining behind the other's back about their legal status.

So to these girls sitting through years of dating.. 

Are you ok with being committed to someone verbally or do you need a legal document?  Are you ok with simply being happy together or do you want the big party?

Figure out what you want.. What you need to be happy, and stick to it.

The right guy for you will want to give you what you need to happy, and maybe more.

Stop playing victim. Make a choice. Make a decision. He'll respect you more for it. And if he's not willing to give it to you, you can stop wasting your time on him.

Insecurities and White Coats

First, I'd like to thank everyone for their helpful advice about Mac and for not outright calling me psychotic. :)

I'm not going to write off Mac yet, but I'm still leery.

Partly I'm leery because my alarm bells are going off, which I'm not usually that far off the mark... Ignoring alarm bells is what got me into the marriage from hell, so I'm cautious.

As I got to thinking about it yesterday, after viewing things from other's perspectives and going back and reading our text history... My alarm bells were set off by two things.

1. His leaving in the middle of conversations and not bothering to text me back a response in any kind of timely fashion. (Change in pattern)

2. We had been playing a subtle cat/mouse game where anytime the conversation got near anything obviously sexual, one of us would steer the conversation away from it. Usually him. It had made me feel safe, and that he wanted to get to know me. Then last week he changed that game by conversing obviously sexual every time we talked. (Change in pattern)

I was told that I'm "over-thinking and overreacting" and I may be. I probably am.

I want to trust Mac. I do. I should just relax and enjoy  the ride, but I'm terrified I'm going to get obliterated.

Partly, I'm insecure because I really like him which ups the stakes.

Partly, I'm insecure because I have no idea wtf he's doing with me. My own insecurities.

On a scale of hotness, Mac is about 8-9.  If he was a little taller (he's maybe 5'10 optimistically) he'd be a 10. He's physically fit, muscular without being body builder yucky, smart, driven, well-traveled, funny, and communicative for a man. He honestly could have any woman he wanted... or at least most women.

I on the other hand, am an acquired taste. Back in my "youth", I used to be able to get guys to approach me from across the bar.. any guy I wanted. I was also quite a bit skinnier then.  For someone my size, I'm smoking hot.  But thats for someone my size, and with my clothes on.  Clothes off.. is a whole different story.

My friends say I'm too harsh on myself and that I'm gorgeous. They're my friends they're supposed to say that. But if anyone knew my actual weight, they'd suddenly "understand".  I look about 50-75 pounds less than I actually weigh.

I think I'm honest about my "hotness" level.. and would place myself on the hotness scale as about a 6.  For some with skinny-girl-fetish, I'd be a 3-4. For people with a fat-girl-fetish, I'd be about a 8-9.

I just don't see Mac as having a fat girl fetish.  So I don't understand what in the world he's doing with me.

This reminds me a lot of an ex-boyfriend. One of those that "got away" per se. His name was Charlie. (seriously thats his real name - If you know Charlie, please let me know where he is, I'd love to see him again)

Charlie was drop dead gorgeous. He was constantly hit on by every hot girl in town, and could get laid anywhere anytime by almost any girl.  Suave, charming, sexy... He actually bared a resemblance to the "Marlboro Man" with his chiseled features, dark hair, and heart-stopping blue eyes.

And he wanted me.

Back then, I was much "lighter" and pretty sexy, even though he was obviously way hotter than me. (Seriously, the girls were like "Wtf is he doing with her?")  He and I got along famously personality wise and just being around Charlie was enough to make me smile.

It was actually during my "Waiting til Marriage" virginity phase, so he wasn't with me to get laid... though we spent most nights together. He actually promised me that he'd never try to have sex with me. He was dead serious and kept his word. (He actually said that when I did have sex I would want it all the time.. he wasn't far off.) I felt truly safe with him.

He was a functional alcoholic, though I didn't know it until we'd been together for two months. He'd said something along the lines of being accused of always drinking.

I replied with, "What? I've never seen you drunk."

He replied "Honey, you've never seen me sober"

To be honest, while I knew alcoholism is bad, I didn't care. I loved him, and would have stood by him through anything.

A month or so later he took a job out of state and we broke up. Sadly, one of my best and most healthy relationships ever was with an alcoholic. He always made me feel beautiful and safe and wanted.

While we were together, he gave me one of his jackets. It smelled like him and so I never washed it for years until the smell of him finally left it. I still have it.

I never did understand why Charlie was with me, and if things work out with Mac, I'm fairly sure I'll never understand why he's with me either.

But I suppose I should just chill and let the ride take me.. Wherever it leads.

Knowing What You Want VS Need

I woke up today and realized I'm old. I guess I was too sick for it to hit me a couple days ago, but this year is number 37. Just typing that feels surreal and causes a little bit of anxiety.

I'm actually really angry. I'm angry at my ex, but I'm mostly angry at myself.

Somehow I managed to get to 37 with no husband or kids or not really much of a career to speak of.

The no-kids I used to pride myself on. I was safe and took precautions... always. Now I find myself wondering if I should have just "slipped up" once or twice.

I've never really been a baby-fever kinda girl. Really. Just ask my sisters. I never ruled out kids, but I wasn't dreaming of having a bunch of babies either. I actually don't really like babies. Now when they're walking and talking, thats more my speed.

But there was one thing I realized during my marriage. I want a child. Of my own.

And that is the biggest drawback in dating most men my age. Most of the men in my age range who want kids also want the springier chickens. The rest of the men in my age range already have all the kids the they want.. if they wanted kids at all.

I know I could be happy without kids. I know its a dream that if I had to, I could live without.

I could help raise his kids. I could do a lot of things and be happy with whatever comes.

But there's this one thing.. and until I'm out of baby-making-age or its proven impossible for me to have a child of my own... its going to be there in the back of my mind.

I want a child. Of my own. And I'll resent anyone who stands in the way of making that possible. Even myself.

Clinging to Terror & Bad Memories

He's back. And we're talking. If you remember last month I wrote about an old "friend" of mine, Luke, and the hold he used to have over me.

He seems to know when I'm having the hardest times, and pops in. My only saving grace is that he's miles and miles away.

See.. he's known me for too long that he knows all the right buttons to push. What to say. What to do. He could hold a class on how to seduce me.

Last time we'd talked, I scolded him for quitting Facebook. It's how most of our mutual friends keep in touch, and him not being there is like we're missing a spoke or something. Like a class reunion, where one of your good old friends isn't there. Besides its a good way to keep in touch, without really being in touch, which is how I prefer things to be with Luke.

So yesterday he logged into Facebook, and immediately sent me a message. What started out as a joking/teasing thread, suddenly turned into something more on his part (he now signs all his emails to me with "kiss").. and if I'm truly being honest.. something a little bit more on my part.

He's not playing fair either. The pictures he's posted are all of him being happy and playing with his young child. He's a fantastic father, something I always knew that he would be, and since somehow a few years ago I became possessed by a child-wanting spirit.. I'm envious, jealous, and...

I know he wants more children. From things he's stated in the past, I know he's approved of me as a mother. Not actually came out and said that he wants me for himself.. but enough to know that he wouldn't mind having kids with me.

Its a heady thing. Seeing that you could get the "things" you want.. and that that person is showing clear interest in you.

But as much as he makes me remember the good times.. hints, teases, reminders.. "Do you remember when...?" I have to keep reminding myself of the bad times, the emotional torture, and how badly he messed with my head.

I know he's changed a lot.. but I am terrified to trust him again like that. Terrified... and yet what he has to offer is so tempting.. that I'm clinging to that terror for life support.

Just Some Time for Fun

Last thursday night I have to say that I had the best time I've had in quite a while. I had joined this new social group which was all about building friendships and adamantly NOT about dating according to the website.

But you and I both know that if you get single men and single women in a room, it will soon be about dating whether you like it or not.

So with hopes of making some new friends, and mild hopes of meeting a single man, I decided to go. The clincher in deciding to go was that it was bowling. I hadn't been bowling in a very long time, and remembered that I used to enjoy it quite a bit. So making new friends who like to bowl was my main motivation.

I arrive and they've already started bowling. I got my shoes, a beer, and headed over to join them bowling.

Now since I am one hell of a lucky duck (seriously this happens all the time), I get put on a team of all men. There were two lanes for the group. One lane had all the men except the organizer, the other lane had all the women except me. For a "non-dating" group it was seriously hilarious how it worked out for the organizer.. not that I was complaining because I could not have planned it better. Though the conversation that the organizer and I had later about how people organize these groups in order to meet a date, was all a sort of irony that was lost on him.

My team consisted of myself, Tim (mentioned previously), Mr R (Night of India), and a new guy, Mac, I'd never met. Tim and Mr R were no longer any kind of viable option. Tim was ruled out because he didn't have eyes for me, and from previous discussions he would need way too many improvements to be suitable for me (ratty tshirts and jeans is not sexy for me when thats your fanciest clothes). Mr R ruled himself out when he asked Chrissy on a date. So despite both of them flirting with me, joking, laughing, etc... It merely was just friends hanging out.

Mac on the other hand is a completely HOT piece of ass. No I'm not sugar coating it, because if you saw him too you'd not be able to describe him any other way yourselves. He's ex-military.. I think he said he was a SEAL. All I know is that he was fun, good at bowling, and talkative (when he wasn't watching the baseball game). After the game was over, he sat and talked with me for quite a while. He, like quite a few of us, is also looking for work.

I met zero of the women. It wasn't planned to ignore them. It just happened. While bowling, I was kept completely occupied in conversation with either Mr R, or Tim.. on a rare occasion Mac. The few seconds I had to check out what was going on in the other lane, I merely just noticed a further addition of women (My team had 4 people, the other team was 6 - all women and the organizer). The few women that I did see, only one of them looked like someone I'd like to know. The rest giggled and huddled and laughed to themselves. They seemed very girly girls with very silly looking dispositions. They did not greet me or make a move to say Hi, and I did not make any motions to get to know them either. I think we were all quite happy about it. :)

It really was just a great night of bowling. Unfortunately since I hadn't bowled in way too long, my ball felt extra heavy. I really need a 10 lb. ball, but since my fingers are huge (seriously have man hands, but proportional to me) unless I go get a ball made specially for me, I'm stuck with my 12 lb. garage-sale-find ball. Which 12 lb. is what I'd end up finding to bowl with at a bowling alley anyway, this ball just keeps me from having to search through their entire selection to find a suitable one.

So after 3 games, my arm was dead (shoulder still a little sore btw), and I could feel my muscles getting sore. I was sore for 3 days. So sore that I walked funny until Sunday. Yay me! But it was definitely worth it. I really miss bowling, but I'm going back in two weeks.

Sometimes its just fun to have fun!

Where Can I Meet Someone?

I've been asked several times or at least have heard it bandied about..

How do you meet so many men? Where can I meet someone to date?

Now I could merely say "Get Out There, baby!", but thats a little condescendingly simple and not very helpful. Having plenty of time to waste "getting out there" helps a lot, but not everyone has that time, and there is only so long you can put off doing laundry or housework in order to put yourself out there.

So putting yourself out there takes a little consideration or you'd just spend your time fruitlessly, which half the time even if you choose how to spend your time wisely it will still be fruitless. So heres a few tips on how to make the best of it.

When I first got separated, I joined a ton of groups of various interests. Being married for so long, you start to forget what it is that you really like yourself and what things you grew to like because of your spouse or other pressures. So I wanted to get out there, see things, and learn more about me.

It is in these groups that I am meeting most of the men that I meet.

However.. and I cannot stress this strong enough.. Never join a group with the expressed interest to meet men/women. Well unless its a singles group, and then thats kind of the purpose of the beast.

Only join groups in which you will have an interest that it shared with the other members. Join groups that you will find fun, educational, and interesting. If you find a group that isn't fun or interesting, quit it and find something more suited to you.

If I learned nothing else from my failed marriage, I learned this: Shared interests no matter how insignificant are key to developing relationship bonds.

Now if your only interests lie in things based in your own gender and you're heterosexual, you may want to seek outside the box for groups. (If you're a girl and only interest is knitting, pretty sure most of the men you meet knitting won't be interested in you.)

So seek out unisex interests like book clubs, wine lovers, beer lovers, art lovers, happy hour, writing groups, philosophy discussion, hiking groups. Find something that you love and you'd love to share with your future partner. Even if s/he isn't at that group event, you'll enjoy yourself and maybe learn something.

And it may seem overly obvious, but its very true, people are attracted to people having fun. So its essential that you can have fun at the group in itself.

Shared Interests groups are also awesome for one other reason. They have built in icebreakers. In writing groups.."What do you write?" or "What are you working on now?" or even a more forward "I'd love to see your work." In book clubs, you can ask their opinion on books. In alcohol lovers groups, you can ask what they're drinking and what brands they enjoy. These groups make it much easier to start discussions.

Another plus to these groups is a key factor why often internet relationships fail. Mutual friends/aquantances. If you go to a group often enough, you'll make friends with the same people. You'll get to know a prospective partner not only through your one on one conversations but how they react to others and how others react to them. You'll already have a base of friends in common to encourage you to work together.

It is also this base of mutual friends and the mutual love of the group that will keep both of you from moving too fast. You'll get to know each other and have a better potential for a real relationship.

Other than joining groups, there are ways to meet people in other places, but its a little harder and you really have to keep your eyes open. These other places also will hold much more rejection and less common ground. Please keep in mind that these are places to keep your eyes open, not places to stalk prey. No one really wants to be prey. :)

Mailbox - If you live in a nice apt complex, time your mailbox visits to the time where the mailbox is the most busy thus giving you the chance to see your neighbors and maybe meet someone. (Do use caution with this one, since this person knows where you live, you'll want to take things slow to make sure they're not mentally ill or dangerous.)

Stores - Grocery stores, gas stations, etc. If you see someone you like, take a chance and make conversation. They may be married or taken, but you won't know if you don't try.

Nights Out - Restaurants, bars, etc. Bars are the least likely places to meet someone for a real relationship, but its still a possibility. Restaurants aren't bad places though. Once you get over 30, many established men eat out alone as they may not cook.

Then there is the infamous Online Dating .. and well most of us know way more than we'd like about that.

Bad Kissing On A Bad Date

I really really want to like Mr. A.

He's sweet, considerate (for the most part), intelligent, educated, relatively good looking. He makes decent money, and drives a BMW convertible. He's fun, social, and talkative. He has no problems displaying affection and seems more than willing to work on compromises so we're both happy. We have good conversations, and get along well.

But I am just NOT attracted to him. He's about 2-3 inches shorter than me for starters, which I really don't find attractive in any man, and though he kisses fine with his lips, his tongue is un-animated and slimy.. like a dead fish. I really wanted to like him, but when I had to push him off me to stop the kissing so I didn't throw up.. I knew it wasn't going to work.

Sadly, even with all that.. I might have tried harder to like him if it wasn't for the nagging thoughts of "we're too different" in my head.

He's Indian. Like really Indian. Not Americanized Indian, but still thinks home is India, Indian. He's vegetarian (I have to eat meat for protein - allergy to all beans, soy, peanuts, and most other nuts and several veggies). And ... the clincher.. He doesn't drink, at all.

*sigh* I do hope that he finds a nice girl who appreciates him.. but that nice girl is not me. Really Not Me.

*****

I initially wrote that on Saturday night. In my desire to post my events in chronological order, I waited until today to post it. As I was re-reading it for posting, I realized I wasn't telling everything and giving him a little too much credit.

From last Monday when we met until Wednesday when he asked me out, he had been a perfect gentleman. He was considerate and kind. Even Wednesday when we were planning the date, he wanted to do dinner and a movie and told me I could pick the movie.

Now if you bring up going to the movies to me, there is only one theatre chain that I will want to go to in Austin. It is generally child-free by its own rules, and they don't charge you $600 for a soda. When you walk in you're not accosted by the smell of popcorn laden with chemical butter sauce, instead you see a fully stocked bar and waitstaff. You can go directly to your seat, and the waitstaff will bring you anything you want from the menu. Yes, you can drink beer and watch a movie and have someone else bring you more beer! The place is called Alamo Drafthouse.

So I asked him if he'd ever been to one, and he said no. All the more reason to go! Since we could easily do both dinner and the movie at the Alamo, I suggested the idea. He didn't seem keen on it, but I insisted that he needed to go. (Seriously if you don't like the Alamo, we're not going to get along.)

So I'm given the task of picking a movie. I totally get swamped with my own crap on Thursday and forget. So Friday I txt him with movie options. He txts back that those options aren't any good, even though one of those was a movie we'd discussed seeing on Wednesday night. He said he'd call me Saturday and we'd figure it out.

He called Saturday and fumbled around telling me that our date initially set at 6pm was being pushed til 9pm. Why? He didn't offer the info, so I asked. His friend was moving and he'd offered the help. So instead of courteously asking me if it was ok, he just told me we'd be meeting at 9pm with only 3 hours warning.

When the movie didn't start til 10:30, he said we could hang at my place.

Now in case you've never dated a fresh off the boat Indian guy, let me tell you a few things that I've learned over the years. Most of this I learned in college by hanging out with the international students. My college had an overwhelmingly large population of Indian students.. fresh.. I mean fresh of the boat.

Rule #1 If a guy and a girl are alone in a secluded place (bedroom, home, corner, bathroom, etc) the guy may interpret it as a "GO" for sex despite what the woman says. Or despite what the guy promised prior to entering such a situation.

Rule #2 Women do not get into such situations unless they want sex.

So when Mr "Indian" A said we'll hang at your place, my mind immediately jumped to.. He wants to have sex.

Since I barely know Mr. A, and I'm not all that into him physically... it was a hell no on being alone in my apt.

So then he suggested his apt. I told him that I'd find something for us to do.

When he came to pick me up (he insisted), I told him to take us to Main Event. He'd never been there, so I told him we'd go check it out so he'd know what it was.

We get inside, order a drink, and just about to play pool when he suddenly remembers he lost his visa card. He insists/begs that we go see if the ATM ate it. So I down my beer in record time, and we leave.

Of course the card is not at the ATM. He then says he wants to go check his apt to make sure he didn't leave it there. I am visibly reluctant, but we go anyway.

So we go to his apt. I'm apprehensive and the only furniture is his bed, so I stand. I do not want any further mixture of signals. He looks around the apt for his card and calls some number asking for a new card.

Then he turns to me, and thanks me for being nice about this and apologizes for messing up the evening. We hug. Then he kisses me. We kiss a little, then I push him off me before he can get "serious". He tries to keep the kissing going.

"We should get going" I say matter of factly and start toward the front door. He moves quickly to get between me and the door. I open the door, and he starts to push it closed.

As with most women, I have an ability to look so angry that I can scare nearly anyone that comes across me. Generally this look is in such opposition to my normal countenance that when I do pull it out it is immensely shocking and extremely fear inducing. (Seriously, I have never been in a real physical fight. People see this look and back the hell off.)

Fueled by a touch of fear and a lot of rage, I gave Mr A this look, and said.

"If you don't want me to get angry. We should go."

He took one look at my face and said, "Wow you really are getting angry. Why?"

I could not answer him then. I cannot form words when I'm truly angry. So I shrugged off the question, and walked outside. He hurriedly followed me.

We drove to the movie talking about nonsense, with me giving him directions... which it turns out he didn't need. I think his "new boy in town" act is just that.

We sit down, and in a few minutes he asks me again.

"Why did you get so angry back there?"

So I answered, "Well I don't know you that well, I was uncomfortable being at your apt alone with you, and when I tried to leave you blocked the door to trap me there."

I saw through his eyes that a little light went off in his head. He understood and apologized.

The movie was good. But he didn't like the food. On our way home, he asked if I'd come back to his place and help him with finding new iPhone apps. He'd mentioned this a couple times already during the week, so I figured oh what the hell. Plus then I'd see if he'd learned anything from our earlier confrontation.

Initially, despite his invitation for me to sit on the bed which I refused, we began talking about iPhone apps. After a few minutes, I realized he didn't care about apps much. Then he wanted to play a two player iPhone game. I don't have hardly any two player games on my iPhone because I don't know anyone with a iPhone that is ever with me and wanting to play a silly game. We usually have better things to do. But I find a game of Dominoes on my phone, which allows two players so I teach him how to play. We play a couple games, but he gets bored and tries to kiss me again.

This time his tongue gets more involved (see previous story) and I do my best to not kiss him. Which obviously he's not picking up on because he gets up and turns off the lights. I get up and tell him to take me home. He argues a little but since I stand my ground he takes me home.

*******

I barely get home and I get an email from Mr Christian. We chat through email for a few minutes. Then he disappears again.

***

Mental Help Please!

I am in many ways screwed. This is how it is often, and why I very much doubt that I'll ever find someone I really like to like me back.

The crux of my problem is a very deep seated issue of trust.. or shall I say distrust.

So when I find myself knee-deep in like with someone all bets are off.. Actually if people wanted to take up bets, it would be a really safe bet that I will in a relatively short time piss said someone off to the point of never speaking to me again.

I realized yesterday that I am at this particular stage of hell with Mr. Christian. To fully grasp why I am at this stage of like with him so quickly requires me to backtrack to my youth.

Since the beginning of time as I've known it, I have always wanted a good Christian husband. I was raised by a very religious family. We went to church every Sunday. We didn't socialize with most other families in town (900 population) but those that went to our small church. As such, church was my social life for the first 5 yrs of my life. School and church became my social life until I left for college, and yes I mean literally (or close enough).

Though I lived in a small town or maybe especially because I lived in a small town, I wasn't allowed to socialize like most kids my age. 90% of my class were products of divorced parents or products of single motherhood. Due to my mother's religious beliefs and possibly concern for my safety, I was not allowed to go anyone's house whose parents or adults in the home were not married. I could visit if their parent was single and not dating, but as soon as they were dating or having "sleepovers" I was no longer allowed. I wasn't allowed to be out past dark until High School, and then I had to be home at 10pm unless I was at a valid school function. I wasn't allowed to hang out downtown at the gas station or ride the streets. In a small town, word nearly always got back to my mother and so it wasn't worth the risk.

I joined nearly every school activity possible and made peace with being an outcast and social misfit. The only place I felt any kind of social comfort was at church once we moved to a larger church in a nearby city where there were several kids my age. The larger church was amazing and lead by a very conservative yet strangely open-minded pastor (maybe open-minded is a bit misleading, he encouraged free thought, biblical education, and discussion rather than people just swallowing absentmindedly whatever he said). He began me on the religious path that I've been on, and sadly has ruined me for any church since, but I'm getting off track.

What I'm trying to get across here is that for the 18 yrs of my life (and longer), church was my social outlet, my safe place, my rock.

It was then I went to college. Up until my college years, my exposure to any kind of Christian man were very few. Most were years older than me and for that reason alone if nothing else, they did not find me suitable. In the large church, there was one man my age and despite any hopes I might have had (he was gorgeous) he never seemed interested. (Due to events after that, I suspect that he may have been gay.)

In college though there were many Christian men, and I was ill prepared for it. Men who would proclaim Christian but wouldn't be. Men who would devote 100's of hours to Christian groups and activities, and yet would do themselves everything they admonished in others. Then there were the real Christian men, and they wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.

The free-thinking pastor had ruined me for them. I was too smart and too biblically educated. I could argue their falsehoods and prove them wrong, for which they found me detestable. Yet, I could not and even now cannot keep silent when I know something is really wrong.

It was this that got me excluded from every Christian venue I've tried. For the first few years of college, I was extremely active in the Christian groups, or so I thought. It wasn't until I was 3 yrs in, that I found out there were bible studies. I had never been invited, and when I found out I tried to join one. I was refused. I tried churches since then, but I never feel comfortable and it doesn't usually take too long before I find something I disagree with that if questioned gets me ostracized.

So my goal of a Christian husband became something of a pipe-dream to me. Because of the way I was treated (over and over again), I slowly began to seek my own religion. Suddenly I woke to most of my friends being agnostics and atheists. To the point where I wondered if anyone really believed in God anymore other than crazies and zealots.

Then there was my ex-husband. When we first started dating, I asked him what religion he was. It really was important to me that he be Christian. He mumbled something about Lutheran being the religion of Norway and that they'd go on Easter and Christmas. He said he was open to attending whatever church I wanted, and learning more about it. From this, I believed him to be at the very least a God-fearing man. I tried to find us a church, but alas it never worked out. It actually wasn't until 3-5 yrs into the marriage that I found out that my husband was actually an atheist. He'd always been an atheist and he'd mislead me. It was monumentally hurtful to me as among other things I loathe lying, but we were married til death do we part. So I tried to move past it, then he left me and we divorced. (One of his best decisions.)

Raised in the breed of Christianity that I was, I gave up on finding a Christian man. I was divorced, and assumed that no Christian man would even think twice about me, let alone my whole free-thinking ways.

Now here is one. He knows I'm divorced. (I believe he is as well.) He's smart, funny, social, and cute. He drinks (I assume in moderation). He believes in pre-marital sex. He doesn't like strip clubs. And he might.. maybe.. like me.

So now that you have an idea of why I'm falling in such deep like with a nearly complete stranger...

The crux of my problem.. When I really like someone like this.. I WILL FUCK IT UP.

Its inevitable. As I tend to guard my heart.

When I start to "love" I don't know any other way than with every part of me. Despite my brain telling me to be cautious, my heart jumps all the way in. Thus I often get hurt and get hurt bad.

So I attempt to guard my heart.

Which results in miscommunications like the following:

"I really love that you're so dedicated to what you believe in" really gets said as "I'm so glad you're not one of those religious freakazoids."

"I'm so glad I met you. I love being around you." really gets said as "Uh yeah, it was fun." or worse "Yeah it was fun though next time give me a heads up so I can put on my comfy shoes"

I turn from flirty and honest into sarcastic and bitchy. I can feel myself doing it already, and I am sooooo trying not to.

I may seriously need some mental help.

Are You Interested?

It's come to my attention that I may have to stop being quite so laid back about dating if I want things to work out. Now after every date, I think I'm going to ask them...

"So, Are you interested?"

I've been chatting with this guy whom I could not figure out. We'd met through "Sugardaddy.com" even though I'm not into what most men there are seeking. Which we discussed in detail our first conversation a couple weeks ago. He said that he wanted to find a relationship as well, with kids and marriage and the whole shebang. It was a good conversation.

Then the next few nights after that first conversation, he'd say "Hi" or send me a "lick" on the website and then get busy with a "phone call" or something and not come back. He'd ask how my day was, I'd ask how his was. We'd both answer and the conversation would die.

I assumed he wasn't interested. I vowed to myself after my ex (who took the backseat in the entire relationship) that I wasn't going to be in another relationship where the guy wasn't head over heels. So if I read him as not interested, I move on... quickly.

So come this past monday, he began re-asking me questions that we'd already discussed our first conversation. I blew my top. It'd barely been a couple weeks and he already forgot what we'd agreed to? Red alarm bells went off in my head. He can't be that into you if he's already forgetting the entire premise of the relationship.

I can't remember now what I'd said, but he knew I was pissed. But I do remember telling him that he didn't seem very interested.

To which, he blew his top. He thought I wasn't interested, but he'd been messaging me every time he saw me online.

*sigh* Communication Fail.

So we're to go out on Sunday.

Then last night, I get a message from Mr Hottub (also known as Mr One-Arm Hug). If you remember way back about the guy I posted about who I swore was not interested, but wanted our second date to be in a hot tub.

Mr H. "Haven't talked to you in awhile. So I'm not meeting too many people on this site. What was the name of that other site you were telling me about? I forgot:)"

I was shocked. He remembered our conversation enough to look me up a month later to ask me about a dating site? But doesn't remember me enough to actually contact me to set up that hot tub date? (which I never heard from him on it) I don't know why this week that I've suddenly grown balls and am telling people off.. but I am.

ME "Seriously? Is this how you're telling me you're not interested?"

Mr. H "what do you mean - I thought you were cute but not interested in me.

You told me about this other site - just wondering what it was. :)"

ME "uh... you ended our "date" with a one arm hug, and the next date you wanted to get together in a hot tub (which doesn't say interested says "you're good for sex"). Then you disappear. So I assume you're really not interested.

As for other sites, they're all lame."

I figured at this point there wasn't much he could come back with. I was all "Take that you ass."

Mr. H "If I wanted sex I would go out and look for a one night stand. But I'm not like that. I thought a hot tub sounded fun! Sorry to piss ya off :("

Damn... he has a point. Maybe he really is just dating etiquette stupid.

ME "ok. hot tubs might be fun, but not so early. I kinda liked you, but figured you weren't interested.. so was a little hurt that you asked for a dating site from me.

You were probably referring to "plentyoffish.com" but its really lame. Either that or Match.com"

Mr. H "if you say it sucks I won't bother. Maybe we could get together sometime next week. Going to Houston this weekend."

ME "Sure.. gimme a jingle or drop me a note when you get back. Have fun in Houston."

Mr. H "what number can I reach you at? I lost it :("

At this point, I'm pretty sure I was right that he's not interested. But I've gone this far, might as well see what comes to play next week.

ME: "Lost it? This is not boding well for you. :) (my phone number)"

So now I'm wondering a bit how many dates I've screwed up because I was too aloof or distant. How many of the men that I liked actually thought I was the uninterested party?

I hate self-doubt. So maybe from now on I'm just going to ask point blank, "Are you freaking interested or not?"