Awesome Times Awesome Squared

My night last night.. 

I was running late to a birthday party that I didn't want to go to. I just wanted a nice quiet night at home, but its an obligation that I'd never live down if I didn't at least show.

I was trying to finish up some tasks when my friend Jack surprised me with his hidden talents at song writing... so I went to take a listen, hit play.

*ring* *ring* My phone is having one of those rare seizures indicative of someone trying to reach me by voice. A very rare thing.

I see the caller ID, smile, and panic.  I really didn't remember giving this guy my number though I've had his through my own "stalking" efforts; its a happy surprise.

I answer quickly trying to make sure I answer before it goes to voicemail, while trying to turn off the blasting music from the computer. Trying to do too many things at once and being late.. and the surprise of the phone call.. I was a bundle of nerves.

I think I said "Hi". I honestly can't recall. Then he asks me for clarification on something private (something very few people here know.. a safety precaution) that I really really don't recall telling him.  Not that I minded that he knew, but my mind instantly flew to... "OMG who else knows?" and "Shit, I thought I was more careful". Some serious panic.

He assures me that I told him, and as I calm down I realize that I must have when I gave him my number. I vaguely.. with his memory jogging.. remember texting him from my phone on NYE. He never replied. (He claims a real phone call despite weeks later should make up for it.)  As I calm down, I start laughing. Seriously, I'm laughing hysterically.. 

He asks: "What's so funny?"

Me: "To explain that would take more words than I have. I'm not laughing at you, but ... at this.. situation"

He says: "Ah.. laughing with me.."

Sure sure.. lets just say I was laughing with you.  But since I was actually laughing at myself and my own hysterical insanity... well.. I'm thinking we were both laughing at me. Which is fine.. I was totally being laugh worthy.

I then blather on about why I have this deep seated loathing for football, which he listens to and somehow isn't offended.

We talk, and I attempt to sound coherent. I think I succeeded. Though I got off the phone feeling like a blathering idiot, a happy blathering idiot but a blathering idiot nonetheless.

I finish up my work, and head to the shower to get ready. My phone dings. Ooo a text message.

It's Mac.

YAY!!! 

Though he tells me he's sick and miserable (poor guy), and in need of a nursemaid.

Normally, the me before I got married, would have immediately suggested that I come over to nurse him. I'd have ran to him and given up all other plans for the day in order to make him well. 

I instead skirted the issue politely and flirtatiously, though later when I found out just how sick he was and that he was continuing to work as well.. I told him that someone needed to tie him to the bed and force feed him soup.

He of course was up for the "tying to the bed" part. Obviously not that sick. :)

We chatted a little more, before I told him I had to go shower and get ready.

I get ready.. slowly. I mean this night has gone so well so far.. it can't possibly improve. It can only get worse. Right? 

Plus its still cold in Austin. Its warm in my apt. You do the math.

But I drag myself out of the apt, and downtown.

A mutual friend of ours has arranged a fantastic "happy hour" special for us at a local bar/restaurant with a band to boot. No cover, and pretty much $1 drinks of whatever you want. My vodka was $2. Normally its $6 anywhere I go. YEAH!!

So I hang out and chat. Say hi to the Birthday girl and boy.. and do my rounds. I see Don's there, but last time I saw him he had a girlfriend and was kinda a dud. I really didn't feel like talking to him, and he was hanging with some cute girls I didn't know.. so I just walked the other direction.

Don however ran over to say Hi to me. Put his arm around me and asked how I'd been.  We chatted for a while.. catching up on our lives.. the ex-gf was not mentioned.. but as chatty and friendly as he was.. it was obvious he was single again.

He soon flitted off again mingling he said. He spent most of the rest of the night with thinner hotter girls. Whatever Don. I'm no one's backup plan.

The party however is outside without heaters of any kind. Seriously? What crack was the owner of that bar on?

So I called it a night after warming up inside and meeting a "native Austinite". The guy was completely humorless and looked at me like I was uncouth and rude no matter what I said.  He however was slurring like a lush. In his defense, I should mention that I was totally making fun of his alcohol tongue. Come on.. it was funny. An obviously slurring 35+ yr. old well-dressed man trying to pick up a couple chicks.

Anyway, so I call it a night and decide to give in to my insane craving for Katz French Dip sandwich. Seriously they're orgasmic.  

I almost get the few blocks down the road to Katz, and my best friend calls to chat. We chat a bit and then I go eat with promises to call her back when I'm done.

No one to go with me, I enter on my own, sit alone at a table, and drool til my sandwich comes and then devour it. I thought it funny that none of that felt weird to me. It was my first time eating out.. eating out.. alone.

While I'm eating, Fred starts to text me. Fred has a habit of texting me when he's drunk or been drinking. Usually the messages are funny in a "I want you" kind of way. He lives about 3 hours away, and has never came to Austin while I've been here. So I find it a little hard sometimes to take him seriously, but the messages are flattering.. and if he was closer he might make a good sex buddy. (He severely doesn't want kids, so anything more than that is out of the question)

So.. flattered (he always says how sexy I am).. and laughing my ass off (he always says how sexy I am).. I call my best friend back and talk on my way home, and a good 2 hours after I get home.  We like to chat, and we crack each other up. The last hour of it was pretty much just solid laughter.  

The last key phrase for a laughter track from us: "I don't really judge, but man that shit is fucked up!" (yeah most people don't get our humor either, its ok.)

It honestly was a fan-freaking-tastic evening. I couldn't have planned it better. Awesome times Awesome squared.

Happy Non-Committed

I'm in a silly mood today. I assume after yesterday's emotional travel back in time, that I'm rebelling and being cheerful. Whatever.

I woke up today with a big "I don't care what you think" world attitude and a smile on my face.

I keep thinking that I've healed from my divorce. Honestly, I much more healed than most of my fellow divorcees of similar time lapses.. but I also see so much more to go for me.

Which might be why I've backed off dating. Or might be because I've yet to meet someone (other than Don) that really got me thinking about what I'm missing.

For the most part, I could care less if I have a boyfriend. I don't need one. I'm not desperate. Sure regular sex would be great, someone to go to parties with me, a snuggle partner for movies... or even just someone to call 911 for me.

But with that always comes sacrifices. I'd have to shave my legs every day. I'd be required to go to things that they liked whether I liked it (its only fair). I might have to change the kind of sheets on the bed or put away a piece of artwork I currently love. I may be encouraged to have longer or shorter hair, or to wear certain things. I might have to make choices between where I want to go, and where he might want to go.

While these are just general things that most people will willingly do to make their new partner feel loved or make themselves more attractive to them.. These are also things that I find myself still nearly breaking into hives at the mere thought.. of "Having to".

I'm no where near ready to be saddled again or have any kind of restrictions on what I do or don't do .. by anyone else but me.

I do know though that when I meet the right person these things that currently have me bordering on an anxiety attack, will merely be trifles. I've seen myself bordering on "love" recently and with that person these things would seem silly. I have little problem giving up things or changing things to put someone important into my life.

And it is that particular trait in me that has lead me to where I am and my current anti-commitment anxiety. For me to embrace that giving side, I need to make sure that the person I'm taking a chance on is worth it and not just some passing fancy.

I know what I want, and this time I'm not settling for less.

So while I may spend today dateless, tomorrow dateless.. I'm ok with that. I'm very ok with that. I'm me. I'm free. I'm happy with that!

More To Love

I started watching "More To Love". I don't normally go for the "reality" television, and usually avoid anything to do with "bachelors" or "bachelorettes", but my curiosity about "More To Love" got the better of me and I started watching it.

I really wanted to see just how bad they were going to do it. I feared huge segments on the girls eating habits, or that the guy in question would be a jerk, or something horrid. But so far I'm mildly surprised.

The bachelor seems to be extremely nice and sensitive to a fat woman's feelings and plight... sometimes a little too much so.. like he's a player almost.. but at least he's giving most of these women something they've not had in a long long time.. Hope.

A friend of mine stopped watching the show because they were portraying the women as catty and she thought fat women shouldn't be catty. For the most part, they seem normal to me. Not overly catty, but just a little bit. Sure there are a few women on the show that are major catty, and one is a woman that the bachelor is interested in. (Seriously guy? I understand the attraction of having someone fighting for you, but do you really want to be with someone with that kind of moral fiber - or lack of it?)

There is a different mindset among fat people on attractiveness when it comes to dating. Most of it based in their own insecurities, but you can't blame them for it. Well actually most of the "never been fat" judgy people might blame them, but its not their fault, at least not totally.

There aren't a whole lot of people able to date fat people and be normal about it. Normally when you date someone, you want to show them off, have them meet your friends, brag about them, and be with them constantly. Very few fat women ever experience this, fat men experience this more than fat women. Most people have friends who bear hatred for fat people, and a lot of people are chicken to stand up and say "Yes I like this" among a crowd of people that feel differently.

So when fat people date, often they experience "lets stay in", or "You wouldn't like my friends", or "I'm really just a homebody" from the people they date. When they do go out, if their date is really secure they might experience some handholding or looped arms... but usually that is reserved for places where they know none of their friends are. Or sometimes, if the fat person is unlucky enough to date someone truly pervy, their date may do a lot of PDA in the light of "Hey look what this chick will let me do to her in public."

So I love the show in the way that they bring this plight to life, but I don't know yet if the message is getting across to those who've never truly experienced fat, or if its just coming off as pathetic and whiny.

I will say that I'm half-in-love with the "More to Love" bachelor myself, though there is one big thing holding me back. He said on one episode "Why have a 6-pack when I can have the whole keg?" as his philosophy. This is one of the reasons that many fat women despise chubby-chasers (and why skinny women tend to avoid those guys that insist on women being skinny). We all just want to be happy at whatever size we happen to be at.. we should be prized for who we are not what we weight. It shouldn't be our goal to be fat nor to be ultra-skinny.

It should however be a goal to be healthy and happy with whatever turns life takes, and strive to be the best at whatever lies before us. If that means we lose 50lbs or gain 50lbs, so be it. As someone who has experienced the skinny life as well as the fat life, I know full well that not everything is under your control. As long as your healthy and happy, who cares. Life happens.