No Relationship & You Can't Make Me

Luke & I talked last night. Well he messaged me. I replied.

My anxiety about him wanting to date increased every time I thought of him. I am no where near that yet, not with him, not with anyone. Especially not with him actually.

I keep thinking that I might be, or that I want to be, then I start thinking about all the complications. Seat up, Seat Down, Dish washing methodology, Laundry methodology, How clean to keep the house, How dirty to keep the house, Moving (Luke has already stated I'd have to move to where he is - panic), Giving up things, Compromises... the list goes on.. and I start having trouble breathing or thinking straight. All I want to do is RUN!

But how do you say that to a guy without sounding like a complete lunatic?

I did my best..

L - "Just saying hi. Haven't heard from ya"

(our last conversation was 48 hours ago, and I started to feel pressured, but I pretended to be ok)

M - "Oh was I supposed to keep in touch? Hi!" 

L - "Well ya if you wanted to... guess you don't :)"  

(is it just me or did that come off as passive-aggressive? Insert more anxiety for me)

M - "Are you playing games? Testing me?"  

(seriously we just started talking again, and in 48 hours you're all this??)

L - "Testing you? Not that I'm aware of. Suppose if I did you failed :)"

M - "I'm f'n with ya :) I fail a lot btw mostly intentionally. I'm a rebel like that"

(I cover well don't I?)

He then goes into blah blah boring stuff (to you all) about his work and asks about my day (more boring stuff), then this..

L - "Was thinking about ya last night"

M - "Uh oh"

L - "Ya.. I'll not give you the details but it was highly pornographic.. I know you're less then interested. But I figured I would tell ya"

(Am I making shit up, or is this passive aggressive crapola again? No where did I say I wasn't interested, just that it was too soon to "date" - my anxiety went all sorts of haywire)

M - "Less than interested? What in the world was I doing?" 

(I can handle filthy talk, just not relationship talk. Please take the hint)

L - "No I meant you less than interested in me being pervy with you"

(again, where in the hell did I say this? Now I'm angry with anxiety. Yay me)

M - "Uh huh I know what you meant. I was ignoring your attempt at putting words in my mouth"

M - "So what did I do?"

L - "Its not what you did exactly... its more of what I was doing to you :) you know you make it hard to flirt with you"

M - "I try :) So what were you doing then?"

He dodges the question nicely by telling me how sexy I was in a corset and that I looked good from all sorts of positions. He refused to give details. Asshole. :)

M - "Well that was very anti-climatic :P"

L - "lol not for you it wasn't.. repeatedly I might say"

(I got a chuckle out of that I must say)

He then mentioned that I was jaded..

M - " :P Yes I'm very jaded :)"

L - "Lol I think you need to let go of the jaded or this may be really hard :)"

(If I could just "get over it" like that I would. I've got damage. Sue me.)

M - "I thought hard was your thing"

L - "lol You know what I mean"

M - "Nope, no idea :)"

L - "So is this just you playing hard to get? :)"

(insert panic)

M - "Nope. Not playing anything. Just livin"

L - "Well its certainly hard to tell if you're interested or not"

(insert freakout and trying to breathe, so I decide to be honest and try to phrase it right)

M - "Maybe that's cuz I'm not as far along the road as you are. You seem impatient for me to say I'm interested which is making me feel more like retreating than moving forward"

M - "I'm just getting used to talking to you again"

M - "Trying to enjoy that without the "where's this going" mentality"

(Huge weight off my shoulders, then I panic about him possibly being insulted, then I relax as I remind myself if he gets insulted thats his issue and he can f'off)

L - "Well at least you told me how you feel. Exactly what I needed from you."

I honestly have no idea what that means, but I think things are fine as his next few messages were about the cutsie things his 2 yr old was doing.  It was a very boring play by play of bathing and playing with dolls which bored even me.

The conversation ended with me telling him to go have fun with his daughter.

The Bad Good Boy

If you remember, I posted about my adventure with Hock a week or so ago, and I mentioned that I thought he was a relationship guy and that he had some kind pain or trauma he was hiding.

He does. I asked him about it actually. One of those dreaded.. "Why are you single?" questions.

A few months ago, he got out of a bad relationship. He now wants to be a bad boy and get out there and just have some fun.

Picturing him as a bad boy cracks me up. Hilarious.

He was honest with me about not wanting to date, and to be honest after the whole Luke thing, not dating never sounded so good. So we had a good chat about how neither of us is wanting to date right now.

He has yet to ask me about myself btw. Which I find strange and yet comforting. I hate talking about me (I know you don't believe me) and its oddly comforting that he seems to care less about my past. Meaning that with him I can completely escape and be whomever I want to be.

Maybe Cleopatra.. Hmmm...

A few days later, he sent me an invite to a party he's throwing that some of our mutual friends are going to as well. Its not a date.. just an invite.

I haven't decided yet if I'm going to go. There's a $18 fee to get in, which he didn't offer to pay, and I'm not sure I can afford (or should afford?) right now.  I don't really want him to pay either, as then it would feel like a date and I'm sure my anti-dating anxiety would get started.. it would change the entire tone of the event.

So I may go.. or I may not. I just don't know. But it is nice that he wants to see me.

Luke Again

Luke and I have started chatting again. 

It all started when he complained on FB about there only being crazy women. Of course, if you only think there are crazy women thats all you'll find, but I didn't tell him that. I know him well enough to know that he really does like crazy chicks. Since we have history, I suppose that admission might reflect badly on me, but then I've never professed to be the poster child for sanity.

We talked about dating, life, goals, etc. We had a good conversation. It was good to talk again and just be friendly. I remembered him and I as friends and it made me smile.

Of course, while we talked I entertained the idea of getting back together. Each topic we agreed on, I wondered more about if things might work if we tried again. Each topic we disagreed on, I reminded myself why we aren't together.

I also started to remember the fire in him. How passionate he is. It was one of the things that first drew to me him. When he loves something, he loves it completely, protectively, and a little possessively. He will fight for it. Its a very attractive quality especially after my ex who was very passive about everything.

But with his fire comes demands. He's rather black and white. Good and bad. Very little grey at all. Very little compromise. He talks in absolutes, and has trouble forgiving or seeing/understanding another viewpoint.

I however live in grey quite often. While I admire peoples firm hold onto beliefs, I do find rigidness constraining. I'm more apt to fight for the freedom for everyone, than I am to fight for my personal beliefs. I understand that what's right for me, isn't always right for everyone else. Don't get me wrong, I'm not all wishy washy either. I do have my beliefs and things I will fight for as well... 

But there are things that he wants. He's open and honest with his expectations of his future wife/lover, and they aren't things I really want and I'm not sure I could be them.

I'm also realizing that I'm still adverse to making any kind of compromise or giving anything up to please a partner. I might could eventually, but those compromises have to be gradual and not "dealbreakers" if I never live up to it. In essence, I merely want to be accepted for who I am right now. Encouraged to be the best me I can be. Loved for who I am, and who I become.

We talked two nights in a row, several hours each night. He'd message me throughout the day with simple hellos and innocent flirts. It felt good. Like I had a new good friend, a potential lover.. there was an innocent hope but not well-thought out.. an idea, a hope, and unclear dream of possiblity. 

Then he said he'd be interested in more, and asked me what I thought..

The dream suddenly died, and reality came crashing in. All his expectations hit me at once, I thought about having to fulfill them. It was like being hit with a ton of bricks. I couldn't breathe, and my eyes started to fill with tears.

I told him it was too soon to tell. But in all honesty, I don't see things working out. It would be great if they did. He would want to get married relatively soon and start a family together. He'd be a fantastic father, and possibly a great lover (if we can come to some compromises, I do know that the sex would never be boring). 

But all I can see right now is feeling pressured to do things his way, and feeling compromised, trapped, and resentful. The things of which spousal murders are made.

Happy Non-Committed

I'm in a silly mood today. I assume after yesterday's emotional travel back in time, that I'm rebelling and being cheerful. Whatever.

I woke up today with a big "I don't care what you think" world attitude and a smile on my face.

I keep thinking that I've healed from my divorce. Honestly, I much more healed than most of my fellow divorcees of similar time lapses.. but I also see so much more to go for me.

Which might be why I've backed off dating. Or might be because I've yet to meet someone (other than Don) that really got me thinking about what I'm missing.

For the most part, I could care less if I have a boyfriend. I don't need one. I'm not desperate. Sure regular sex would be great, someone to go to parties with me, a snuggle partner for movies... or even just someone to call 911 for me.

But with that always comes sacrifices. I'd have to shave my legs every day. I'd be required to go to things that they liked whether I liked it (its only fair). I might have to change the kind of sheets on the bed or put away a piece of artwork I currently love. I may be encouraged to have longer or shorter hair, or to wear certain things. I might have to make choices between where I want to go, and where he might want to go.

While these are just general things that most people will willingly do to make their new partner feel loved or make themselves more attractive to them.. These are also things that I find myself still nearly breaking into hives at the mere thought.. of "Having to".

I'm no where near ready to be saddled again or have any kind of restrictions on what I do or don't do .. by anyone else but me.

I do know though that when I meet the right person these things that currently have me bordering on an anxiety attack, will merely be trifles. I've seen myself bordering on "love" recently and with that person these things would seem silly. I have little problem giving up things or changing things to put someone important into my life.

And it is that particular trait in me that has lead me to where I am and my current anti-commitment anxiety. For me to embrace that giving side, I need to make sure that the person I'm taking a chance on is worth it and not just some passing fancy.

I know what I want, and this time I'm not settling for less.

So while I may spend today dateless, tomorrow dateless.. I'm ok with that. I'm very ok with that. I'm me. I'm free. I'm happy with that!