Dark Days

I am having a dark day. These kinds of days should motivate me to be better, do better, and fix the things in my life that make me sad. Should anyway.

But right now I'm overpowered by a complete sense of failure. No not just a sense of having failed in the past. But a sense of having failed, failing now, and no hope of not failing in the future.

Like I said. Dark Day.

I woke this morning with tears in my eyes. Tears brought on by the mere thought of "What am I going to do with my life?"

Followed by more tears and anxiety with the next thought of "I don't know".

Normally this would not get me down, and events like last night would be motivational.

Unfortunately the combination of last night, and yesterday's experiment with something I've not tried before (mild allergic reaction) has caused today's chemical alteration.

I have days like this. Just days. I know how to prevent them, but sometimes the urge to try something new gets the better of me. (Come on, who doesn't like to try something new?)

Technically, today I'd pass as clinically depressed. I'm not suicidal, don't worry. The darkness is never that ambitious. It merely likes to taunt and torture.

(funny, I feel it lifting as I type this. Hmm maybe I should keep a dark day journal)

Apathetically Ambitious

I'm sure I've posted on this before, but its reared its ugly head again .. so I'll just spin it again.

he said "Oh, so you have no ambition"

This was his response to my joke about job seeking, in which I said that I'd really like to get paid to just laze around doing whatever I wanted, but since there aren't any jobs for that, anything else is second best.

I was joking but honestly its pretty much the truth.

I've never been a cut-throat kind of person. I'm easily distracted, so I've not really ever picked one road for a career, and anytime I've tried... I've not done so well as I quickly lose enthusiasm for it and instead want to do something else. (I know, I probably have ADD)

Though when I decide to do something, I do something. I become the best at it or the "guru" of whatever it is I'm doing... or I die trying. But once the guru, I often look around to see "What's Next?"

Or at least this has been the history up until my marriage, actually no.. it was after that.. it was until the "tragedies" hit. Which made me have to rethink all my career goals.

I'm smart and if I put my mind to it.. I can succeed at anything... provided I don't get distracted.

But I've always had bigger priorities.. like family, dating, and a social life. I'd much rather make the people around me happy.

Tonight, the guy in question lost all interest in me once he found I have no ambition. I stupidly tried to defend my lack of ambition which well... only made me look insecure and loserly.

He wanted to know my last job. Housewife.

"You're going through a divorce or something?"

"I've been divorced for a while now."

"So when's the last time you've had a real job?"

"2004 or so"

He gave me this nod which said "Good luck with that" and pretty much walked away.

I can't blame him. From everything I've read, men today want a successful career minded gal. Someone just as driven and successful as they are.

I'm just not her... well unless you want me to bake you the best vegan fruit pie ever created.. then I might jump on that competition.

But explaining why I am where I am.. without looking like a completely inept moron.. is difficult.

In the last 6 yrs, I've had my feet robbed from me (not totally, but standing for hours on end is now out of the question) and I've been limited to a diet that makes dining out nearly impossible (aka eating at home is more of a commandment than an option). --- we'll just forget about the whole marriage and divorce thing.

Its been a lot to undertake and is impossible to understand unless you've "been there done that."

I have never.. ever.. known what I really wanted to do. I figured it would come to me in time. Slowly its revealing itself.. but very slowly.

I truly hate the question:

"What do you do?"

Maybe some day, I'll be proud to answer it. I just won't be holding my breath.

Sitting At The Fork

The other night was a major turning point for me. A learning point. Both professionally, and personally.

It's been a very very long time since I'd had any kind of professional pride. Probably because its been a very very long time since I'd held any kind of real job.

So professional confidence is really low, despite that I know I know what I'm talking about. I know I'm not stupid, and I know that I see a lot of things that others do not. I'm confident the same as I always have been. I know what I know is correct, but I completely expect to be told I'm wrong by everyone else. And that usually happens.

So when someone actually agrees with me.. its amazing to me. Sure sure, my friends agree with me most of the time, but they're my friends and they're not even close to being in the same profession. So while I love them, professionally their opinion doesn't rank that high. It's when someone in the field or a close field, says "Hey thats a great idea" or "You're correct." or "You're great." that I nearly fall over with shock. Its a good shock and I like it.

I'm starting to realize what I should be doing vs what I'm actually doing with my life.

I'm also at a turning point with a friend..

We've been friends for a while. Flirting friends. Somewhat crushie friends. You know that blurry point where you're getting to know each other and you're just flirting and friendly.. but you're kinda interested in more.. maybe.. And you're not sure if they are, but they might be. You just don't know for certain.

Then there's an event. Something happens. Something intimate, something personal, that takes things to a new level. You still don't know how to define things, but your feelings have intensified.

You're on peak and you could fall down either side. Friends or More than Friends?

I'm sitting on the peak. Normally I find this tres uncomfortable. Normally I'm pushing for answers. Normally I'm all about defining. But there's nothing normal about this. I'm happily sitting on the peak, not knowing how things are going to turn out.

It's because this person is special and will be equally meaningful to me no matter what side we end up on. Maybe this is how things are supposed to be or maybe I'm just growing up.