My Meeting With The Playas

The other night I went out with Evie and a friend of hers. In all honesty, I went for the possibility of meeting someone, yet with the full expectation of being completely bored out of my mind. A group of 3 girls almost always leaves one as the third wheel, and since Evie's friend and her were childhood friends, I fully expected to be the third wheel.




But I needed to go out, and nothing else that night sounded even remotely entertaining.



We went to a play and then the after-party. It was a small production with a small audience. It was ok. Some of the actors, you could tell were naturally talented and the rest were really trying to be. It was at least entertaining.



Then about 20 minutes from the end, I see Evie's ex? I guess thats who he is. I can't remember if they'd had sex or exactly what... But I do know that she's at least seen his penis, and helped him get off. They're "friends" now, but with Evie that could be FwB or just platonic friends. Its really hard to say.



Evie can't go a night without a guy. During the show, she'd texted him to meet her there. So when I saw him come in.. I knew what had happened and I rolled my eyes.



It doesn't help that I just cannot stand the guy. I avoid him like he's got cooties. He comes off as needy and desperate. And I've got the feeling that any woman will do for him as long as she's mildly attractive (not hideous), and not illegal. (I guess I should be thankful he has some standards huh?)



Plus.. from Evie, I know WAY more that I ever wanted to about his sexual interests and erm.. proclivities. If I wasn't interested by the fact that he looks like a doofus, or by the fact that he acts like he's only out for getting laid and desperately at that, then his sexual preferences alone would have sealed the deal for me that I wasn't going to touch him with a 10 foot pole.



After the show was over, and while we waited for the after-party to start, I found out that Trey had brought two friends with him.



Techincally he brought one friend, who brought his friend.. but thats just me nitpicking.



So we're standing around, and these two guys join our group. I of course wonder who they are, and Evie introduces them.



I honestly don't remember their names. So I'm gunna make up some names.



The first one was chatty, but from the moment he opened his mouth, my lady parts shuddered and recoiled. Jessie's voice was a little .. umm.. too high and he talked with just a slight lisp. Had he not talked about screwing women, I would have sworn he was gay. He was around my height, but with delicate bone structure. His wrists were even dainty. The thought of him having sex with a woman quite frankly made me giggle... a lot.



He talked as if he was Mr. MacDaddy which wasn't helping the situation any. Maybe he does get all the girls. Who knows.. I just find it immensely unbelievable. To be honest, I found the idea of him and Trey being secret lovers much much more believable.



The third guy, Bill, was shy and completely did not fit with the other two. He was new to town, so I excused his judgement in friends. He had long hair and was Native American. He actually was kind of sweet, but way too young. That didn't keep him from attempting to hit on me though. So cute, in an adorable little boy way (I know.. just the way guys hope to be seen right?), but about an hour or so later he admitted his age and he was barely legal. WAY too young for me, and thus I was right in thinking of him as a little boy.



So none of them were at all.. in any way.. potential interests of mine. This actually made the night more fun, because they ALL thought that I'd be happy to have them.



Dear Men... I am not that desperate.. and will never be that desperate.. Sorry.



So the party got started, and people started going back inside. It was hot inside. Like sauna hot. I went in to be social for a bit, but found my way outside rather quickly. The last thing I needed was to be miserable on top of this potential boredom.



A few minutes later, one guy after the other came outside as well. Soon it was myself and the three guys.



We began to talk. Jessie kept giving the youngin' Bill some MacDaddy advice, which I would then critique and tell him how to do it better. Then Jessie saw that as a sign to out do himself. It became this challenge to show me how much of a MacDaddy he was. I couldn't have secretly laughed at him more. At one point he said:



"I shouldn't tell you because you'll hate me."



To which I replied, "If I don't hate you by now, I'm pretty sure there's nothing you can come up with."



He stammered and still pretended to be all gentlemanly in refusing to divulge his scoundrel secrets in my presence.



"Ok.. by hate you.. what did you mean by that?"



Jessie turned red, and so I continued...



"If you mean by hate you, that I would no longer want to have sex with you.. let me put your mind at ease.. that ship sailed within the first minutes of meeting you. So just say what you were going to say."



He looked at me agast, and then did his best to recover. He tried to ask what it was that turned me off, but I simply brushed him off with a "Eh, you're not my type." (Rather than telling him that he reminded me of some gay friends from college.) He retorted with a "Oh well at least we're on the same page." which made me laugh.

Yes yes... I can be a bitch, but I honestly cared not at all what this guy or his friends thought of me.

So he continues about his rules for "dating" which were quite frankly steps to have a one night stand. He did pretty much every cliche' without actually mentioning roofies, though he did mention that getting a girl completely plowed so she'd not remember how to get back to his place later. I know.. a charmer. I of course added rules for him, and instead told him that he should just go to her place. No one can say I'm not helpful. :)



If I'm not interested in dating you, and I'm pretty sure you're harmless (or at least that even the smallest woman could kick your ass), I'm more than willing to share my knowledge to help you get laid.. by someone else. :) Its just how I roll.

Bill however was really enjoying the conversation and cursing that he had no way to take notes. The poor guy. In reality all Bill would have to do to get laid is to hang out with these two morons he was with, then go appologize to the girls later and state that he was new to town. He was sweet, honest, and not bad looking.. and following the wake of the other two guys, he'd look like the catch of the day.
Trey however was not liking the conversation. He instead was trying desperately to convince me that his playboy past was over (like I really believed he had a playboy past), and he was now looking for a real relationship. He was not grasping the idea that I could have cared less about what he was looking for.. I was not interested.. yet he continually tried to impress me with his "seeking a relationship" self.



When we began to discuss ages.. Trey started it by saying he was 40 (he looks maybe 34) and how 30 was the new 20 for him. The others also stated their ages, and then came my turn, which I declined. They were 19, 31, and 40.. and I just let them believe whatever age they thought I was. Generally I'm assumed to be in my late 20's or early 30's, so I figure they thought I was.



Then Trey began commenting on the music that was wafting outside from the party.



"I used to skate to this back in '78"



Which we all would tease him about making himself sound ancient. Heck I'm not much younger than him, and even I thought he sounded old the things he was saying.



It was one "I'm old" statement after anouther which kept me entertained by teasing him about how old he was making himself sound and "Thats the way to win the Ladies, man." sarcasm. I honestly don't think he understood just exactly how off-putting his "remember when" was, or would be to younger women.. when their parents would be the ones saying those "remember whens".



We were outside talking for a couple hours before the other two girls came out, and we all parted ways.



All in all it was a good night.. Lots of fun (for me anyway.)

My Love-Hate Affair With Twitter And Facebook

I'm supposed to be getting married today.

Ok.. so thats a joke.. or at least I hope to hell it is. If he's actually waiting for me in Vegas right now.. I'm SO SO sorry.. but I'm not showing up.

It was a long twitter flirting session with a nice guy, a longtime Twitter friend. It started as jokingly planning to be parents together, which gave me some ideas of maybe why I scare off people that are already parents.

I threatened to make the kids run to school while I whipped them from behind (in my sports car) to hurry up. (It was to help them get better soccer/running skills, what?)

I refused to get a minivan, and instead opted to throw the kids in the "back" of a Miata. (In all those kidnapping movies, no one ever dies in the trunk.)

While completely insane jokes.. I'm pretty sure only the parents with a good sense humor (or extremely horrid parenting skills) would stick around.

On another note... I am a scared chicken. Maybe a groundhog? Or whatever else that runs and hides in its hole at the slightest signal of fear?

That would be me and social networking (& dating actually) right now.

Last week, I decided to be a little crazy and just added anyone on my Facebook suggestions who had more than 3 friends in common with me.

Funny enough, they all added me back. Sight Unseen. Never talked. No comment, no email. Just "added" and went on with their day. Totally normal Facebook.  

I assume that they, like myself, assumed they'd get to know me over time by seeing my feed which would give us something to talk about.

Then there was one.  Who added me. Then found me on Twitter and added me. And then sent me this via Twitter:

"Where have you been all my life?"

Which I hoped like hell was a joke, and replied to it as a serious question.. (my way of joking back)

"Probably in the bathroom or in bed. It seems statistically thats where most people spend the most time in their lifetime."

Ok, so it wasn't a funny response, but it was a response.

Then he publicly asked me to clarify some personal information.  Well if any of you remember the whole debacle from a week ago.. You know that my online trust is at an all time ZERO.  This person is also a dating blogger, meaning that my trust is even lower than zero as I just don't know him and don't know who his friends are, alliances, or motives. To say that I crawled in my "safety hole" would be an understatement.

So I DM him. "Why" (aka why do you want to know)

He replies with a compliment, and again asking for clarification on the personal information.

I reply only to the compliment, with a "Thank you."

He then asks me where I live, which is not a secret.. everyone by now knows I live in Austin.

"Very cool. I love it down there. Stayed at a great hotel whose name I forgot.."

To be honest, I had no idea how to reply to this. Its Austin. Hotels are pretty much hotels. There's only one hotel here that isn't your normal run of the mill hotel (sure there are fancy hotels and sleezy hotels, but they're normal for fancy or sleezy). 

M - "well theres lots of hotels here, but only one awesome one.. the Driskill"

Dude - "I don't think that was it. I would def fit into austin."

(ugh, by this time, I'm just tired of talking. I'm also still in my protective hole, so I'm not investing a lot in my responses. I just don't trust this guy ... yet. I guess.. and am not seeing the point.. so I get flippant.)

M - "then you should move here."

Dude - "can I come visit first?"

(My head is seriously trying to spin off my neck at this point. A. He already claimed to have visited once. B. He doesn't need my permission. C. Oh god back off... I should have just told him that I wasn't in the mood to talk right now.. but no.. I do my normal.. lets burn this to the ground.)

M - "I dunno... did you get exiled and told not to return? if not, then I'm sure Austin would be fine with it."

Dude - "Do you go and see music all the time and stuff??"

(a music buff.. great.. please keep proving to me this conversation is useless.. please please.)

M - "not really. not all the time. sometimes."

Dude - "sorry my questions are kind of lame ahahah imagine what a date with me would be like!!"

(Finally dude is picking up on signals that I don't want to talk to him. Maybe the 20 questions will end. Please please... Maybe we can actually have a conversation someday without it feeling like an inquisition?)

M - "you're kinda scary :)"

Dude - ":-/"

M - "its ok. I'm just extremely skittish and kinda a bitch"

Dude - "awesome. you belong in nyc"

M - "lol.. i'm not that much of a bitch.. Chicago is more my style."

He didn't reply again. Can't say that I blame him much.

Sadly, had I given into my inner-panic-voice I'd have just Twitter-blocked him from the moment he asked me about my personal information, and this conversation wouldn't have happened.

Or I could have just outright told him that I don't discuss my personal information, though that would have looked like a denial and made him ask more personal information..

Or I could have just been a bigger bitch sooner.

He's probably a nice guy, and just wanted to get to know me better. *sigh* who knows.

I just know that my trust in meeting new people through Twitter (and Facebook actually) is severely damaged.

I used to just be a happy go-lucky girl on those. It's really going to take me a long time to get back there.

Better Off In Bed

I am.. Right Now.. on my way to eating an entire Amy's Organic Vegan Chocolate Cake.

I totally deserve it.

You can argue that with me all you want.. But first, let me tell you about my day.

A week ago, I decided to plan a happy hour event for tonight. I figured it'd be a good time to do something outgoing and fun.

I called around and set up the best deal at a great place with great food at great prices.  I was excited. There wasn't a whole lot of people RSVP'd to come but enough of the people I cared about that the low numbers didn't bother me in the least.

I had a laundry list of things that needed done today. Bills paid, checks cashed, groceries, errands to run.  Plus shower and look hot for tonight.

I woke up today at 1pm (3 hours later than I'd planned). Dead tired. Feeling like I was ran over by a truck. 

I check the RSVP's for the happy hour and check my email .. from bed. Then I head to the bathroom to shower and get ready and sure enough I get my period.

The first days of my period are cramps, cramps and OMG kill me now cramps.

Unfortunately it was way too late to cancel.  If I took pain meds, then I couldn't drink. A non-drinking host at a happy hour.. yeah thats a good one!  (fortunately for me my cramps weren't too bad today.. thank God)

So I'm feeling bloated like cow, and putting on my sexiest comfy dress, and head out the door just in time to make the happy hour.  I have to leave for it extra early because its raining in Austin which makes everyone drive like a grandma. (Aka I get nothing done all day) I get drenched on my way to my car.

I get to the establishment and they don't have the tables reserved like they said they would, so I make them quickly throw a few empty tables together. 

Happy Hour goes well. I'm hanging with friends, chatting, and having fun.  The only spoiler there... I'd talked to Theo (see Women Who Hate Women post) earlier that day and asked him to come so we could catch up.  Unfortunately when he came, there wasn't a seat near me but shortly the girl next to me left allowing him to scoot one chair over and sit next to me. However, his gf (same girl as in the earlier post) insisted that she take the seat next to me. Theo and I never got to say more than Hi. Bitch.

Other than that everything went splendid. I really had a great time.

Then I come home. I walk in the door and smell something foul.  Really foul. Like rotten food or rancid cabbage.

I go to let the dog out of her kennel to find that she's had a major accident in it.  Luckily she's not covered in it, but she stinks. The kennel stinks. The bed she had in it stinks (the cover of it is now in the wash on sanitize cycle). She tried to get out and wore off the fur on the top of her nose, a nice baby pink spot of hairless on her nose.

So I had to clean that up, and the poor poop-stank dog wants hugs and snuggles and forgiven.. but she stinks, and I'm not entirely sure I've got the energy to bathe her.

This is not my day. I'm eating cake and going to bed.

Dark Days

I am having a dark day. These kinds of days should motivate me to be better, do better, and fix the things in my life that make me sad. Should anyway.

But right now I'm overpowered by a complete sense of failure. No not just a sense of having failed in the past. But a sense of having failed, failing now, and no hope of not failing in the future.

Like I said. Dark Day.

I woke this morning with tears in my eyes. Tears brought on by the mere thought of "What am I going to do with my life?"

Followed by more tears and anxiety with the next thought of "I don't know".

Normally this would not get me down, and events like last night would be motivational.

Unfortunately the combination of last night, and yesterday's experiment with something I've not tried before (mild allergic reaction) has caused today's chemical alteration.

I have days like this. Just days. I know how to prevent them, but sometimes the urge to try something new gets the better of me. (Come on, who doesn't like to try something new?)

Technically, today I'd pass as clinically depressed. I'm not suicidal, don't worry. The darkness is never that ambitious. It merely likes to taunt and torture.

(funny, I feel it lifting as I type this. Hmm maybe I should keep a dark day journal)

Apathetically Ambitious

I'm sure I've posted on this before, but its reared its ugly head again .. so I'll just spin it again.

he said "Oh, so you have no ambition"

This was his response to my joke about job seeking, in which I said that I'd really like to get paid to just laze around doing whatever I wanted, but since there aren't any jobs for that, anything else is second best.

I was joking but honestly its pretty much the truth.

I've never been a cut-throat kind of person. I'm easily distracted, so I've not really ever picked one road for a career, and anytime I've tried... I've not done so well as I quickly lose enthusiasm for it and instead want to do something else. (I know, I probably have ADD)

Though when I decide to do something, I do something. I become the best at it or the "guru" of whatever it is I'm doing... or I die trying. But once the guru, I often look around to see "What's Next?"

Or at least this has been the history up until my marriage, actually no.. it was after that.. it was until the "tragedies" hit. Which made me have to rethink all my career goals.

I'm smart and if I put my mind to it.. I can succeed at anything... provided I don't get distracted.

But I've always had bigger priorities.. like family, dating, and a social life. I'd much rather make the people around me happy.

Tonight, the guy in question lost all interest in me once he found I have no ambition. I stupidly tried to defend my lack of ambition which well... only made me look insecure and loserly.

He wanted to know my last job. Housewife.

"You're going through a divorce or something?"

"I've been divorced for a while now."

"So when's the last time you've had a real job?"

"2004 or so"

He gave me this nod which said "Good luck with that" and pretty much walked away.

I can't blame him. From everything I've read, men today want a successful career minded gal. Someone just as driven and successful as they are.

I'm just not her... well unless you want me to bake you the best vegan fruit pie ever created.. then I might jump on that competition.

But explaining why I am where I am.. without looking like a completely inept moron.. is difficult.

In the last 6 yrs, I've had my feet robbed from me (not totally, but standing for hours on end is now out of the question) and I've been limited to a diet that makes dining out nearly impossible (aka eating at home is more of a commandment than an option). --- we'll just forget about the whole marriage and divorce thing.

Its been a lot to undertake and is impossible to understand unless you've "been there done that."

I have never.. ever.. known what I really wanted to do. I figured it would come to me in time. Slowly its revealing itself.. but very slowly.

I truly hate the question:

"What do you do?"

Maybe some day, I'll be proud to answer it. I just won't be holding my breath.

Belittle Me This

I lost a follower today. Not someone who just got bored, but someone I really pissed off.

I'm torn between being relieved about this, and feeling sad for making someone so angry.

I've blogged about this person before in my post, "Communication Frustration". Which he was fully educated that we weren't getting along, and that I didn't see us ever getting along.

Instead of keeping things distant and backing off, he'd go away for a few days then come back to say hi.. testing the waters. I'd be nice and reply, but not ask him anything. Nice but aloof. I just kept getting that "this is going to blow up in my face" vibe from him.

What happened today was just a matter of time. KA-BLOOEY!

Its been going on for weeks. He's been messaging me asking how I am, telling me to have a good day, etc. Wanting to chat with me, and telling me how much he really enjoys chatting with me.. (My chats with him were nothing more than banal, so I could honestly not figure out how in the hell he could enjoy them, but ces la vie) I've been nice in my replies.

He really is a sweet guy. He's just sweet in a way that makes me want to kick him in the balls. Seriously, I'd like to... which doesn't usually make for a good friendship.

There are some "buttons" I have that he pushes. He's attempting to be sweet and caring, but instead comes off to me as a condescending emotionally manipulative ass. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but as a matter of trying to make us communicate better with each other, I no holds bared told him whenever he hit a button so he'd know not to do it again. I might be a big bitch.

This particular blow up started from yesterday when I was on Twitter sounding off about getting kicked out of a tall people singles group because I'm too short.

I was angry. I was pissed. I was sounding off.

He writes: "I know you're not really pissed off!"

Dear Men, if ever a woman says she's pissed. Talks pissed. Shows she's even remotely angry... DO NOT tell her how she feels. Actually, never ever tell a woman how she feels.. she's likely to castrate you before your next breath. Serious.

I replied telling him exactly that just nicer. "Don't tell an angry woman how she feels!"

He then proceeds to tell me that height isn't really an issue. Rather than telling him what a fucktard I think he is for belittling my dating criteria and belittling my feelings on the subject, I merely reply that for me height is definitely an issue.

So today, he's messages me a sweet good morning message. He really is sweet, if it wasn't for his bad habit of condescending and belittling which I think is more bad form than reality, but its hard to say.

His message this morning: "Wanted to say good morning before you did! I hope you have a better day today! Enjoy hearing from you! Smile for me today, please! Lol :-)"

I was all more than ok, until I was commanded to smile FOR HIM today. What am I a child? Do I owe him a smile? Should I just fake a smile because he told me to?

Now don't get me wrong, I sometimes find a good "commandment" sexy. Like when you know I'm dead assed tired but I'm not in bed, and you say "Ok, get off the computer, Go To Bed. Thats an order."... can be kinda sexy. But you also have to have earned that right. You can't just be some stranger seeing me up late and telling me to go to bed, cuz my foot will find your ass.

So I reply: "Thanks. Good Morning. Btw I don't smile for anyone. I smile when I feel like it."

Him "Ummm ok gee just thought it would make you smile! Sorry geez!" (ok I kinda feel a little bad, like I'm beating a child.)

Me "I know you mean well. I'm just trying to teach you how not to push my buttons."

Him "No offense, but it seems no matter what I say it pushes your buttons! Your right I mean nothing by it! Geez I'm sorry now I'm afraid to talk to u." (this is probably a good fear for him. but still funny)

Me "Lol I'm just being honest."

Him "Thats great but I think you take people to literale! Your the first persons that's ever had a problem with me! WOW Thanks"

Me "Really the first person ever?" (totally do not believe that I'm the only woman who hasn't wanted to shove her boot up his ass.)

Him "Yep! I'm pretty easy going and not hard to talk to at all a very good guy! But seems to you NOPE not so! I'm sorry I will just say hi and not care"

Me "K. Are these people you're referring to online?" (people read differently offline, so maybe its just a media issue.)

Him "I'm talking in person online etc! Pretty much you read into everything I say!" (its online, thats how its done.)

Me "Naw I don't read into. I just have a very low tolerance for some things."

Him "Well no offense, but maybe thats your problem! I don't criticize or judge people I take them for who they are annoying or not! I'm not like that towards people."

(he unfollows me here so I can't reply in DM.. I'm also feeling a little judged here btw.)

Me "So I shouldn't tell you when you've hit a button, you'd rather me just smile and nod?"

Him "Never said that just seems anything I say pushes your buttons" (yes you annoy the shit out of me, finally you catch on.)

Me "You do have that skill. But you've known that from the start"

Him "Nope not really! Think you have way to higher standards of people! You judge to much" (again with the me judgy? now you're making me really not like you)

Me "umm or maybe you have bad habits of condescending behavior" (yes that was an intentional jab back. Bastard called me judgy)

Him "none whatsoever that's you! Have a nice day! Please stop following me! Your nit a nice person after all."

Now I'm not a nice person (seriously who thought I was?), but he went off on Twitter via his Posterous:
"Ya know I don't understand why people judge one another! I'm not perfect nor am I god! So why do some people think they are more superior than others?"

I don't know.. but kinda feels like the pot & kettle here.

So.. to sum up... Today I am a mega-judgmental bitch who thinks she's SOOO superior.

The Upside... I now no longer have to deal with him. I just don't like having people that angry with me. *sigh* I'll get over it.

June Cleaver Gone Wild

Last night I went out. This in itself was an amazing feat. Its still Arctic tundra cold here (ok I exaggerate, it just feels that way for Austin, TX) which makes me want to do nothing and go nowhere.

But I had two parties in the same place which I'd promised both of them that I'd be there. So I had to go.

Both were costume parties. One was 80's and one was MadMen. I have a bunch of old MadMen clothes and jewelry saved from my grandmother's closets. So thats what I went with.

I dolled up in an old style dress, 5 strand pearl & glass necklace circa grandma, pearl stud earrings, and white gloves and purse also from grandma. I couldn't have looked more prim and proper had my own mother dressed me (ok except for pantyhose, which I refuse to wear).

I don my fanciest coat which is somewhat warm. My Arctic tundra coats all make me look like a bag-lady cuz they're a good 10 yrs old. No one normally needs that kind of coat in Austin. Seriously, what is up with all this cold? Forget global warming, this is the ice age.

I head out the door and freeze. I attempt to run to my car. But I don't have running shoes on, and I'm in a dress that's not really allowing for a good sprint.

I get to my car, put the heat on high, and start to get warm about half way there. By the time I arrive in the parking lot, I'm finally warm.

Then I get a text from the girl doing the 80's party. Chrissy's standing outside in the longest line ever to get into any kind of club in Austin (outside of SXSW parties) in the cold. I look for parking, but she texts me again that the line isn't moving and would I be interested in going somewhere else.

I fucking look like June Cleaver. And I know where she's going to want to go.. a hiphop club. Great!

So I debated. Stand in freezing line, or go home.. or... She calls "You want to go to the Gingerman?"

I've got to give the girl credit. She knows my buttons. I'd go to the Gingerman dressed in my house cleaning clothes and ponytail on the top of my head.

So we go to the Gingerman. It's her and I, and her new best friend Nie, and two guys both friend's of Nie. One I'd met before and while he's a sweet guy he's also a good 4 inches shorter than me, and a doormat. The other.. was not normally my type, and I thought he was "with" Nie so I wasn't giving him much time of day when he introduced himself.

We all sat down and had a beer, and then Greg (Nie's friend) and I made eye contact. *zap* WTF?

Nie and Greg had both mentioned that they were simply friends and used to be roomates. They acted like brother and sister. He'd just recently broke up with some girl as well. (Single baby yeah!)

We were all talking, but whenever Greg said something it was like he was talking only to me, and that we were having our own private conversation. No one else indicated that this was actually happening, so I'm pretty sure it was just my own mental problem.

Nie and Chrissy decide to go dancing at a club nearby. I'm trying to get everyone to stay at the Gingerman even though I know I'm going to lose. Nie and Chrissy are dancing fools. The only way I'll win is if the guys don't want to go dancing. Jay? Jeffery? whatever his name.. pretends to debate but everyone knows he wants to go dancing. Greg however shows the most reluctance and shoots me a look like "You know you've lost, please join us".

So I do. And we all dance. I pretend not to. I'm trying to spare my knees, but judging from today, I didn't totally succeed.

I'm also sticking out like a sore thumb. I'm in a club club. I'm in my best impression of June Cleaver and I'm in a club where women's dresses start just covering their tits end just barely covering their ass. All I needed was some kind of ruler to smack people and tell them to be "proper girls". I instead did my best impression of "June Cleaver Gone Wild", stripping my gloves off with my teeth and shaking my booty.

Throughout the evening, Greg and I make eye contact. We share private jokes, and more than once he leans in to say something to me with his arm around me holding me close. We are the two "not dancing" of those "dancing". We bonded.

But towards the end of the night, he and Nie disappear. He disappears first. Then she disappears about 5 minutes later. I want to know whats going on, so I head to the bathroom as an excuse to spy on them.

I find Nie waiting outside the men's room. I knew she was waiting for him. I don't know why and I didn't ask.

I walked by her to the lady's room and freshened up.

After that, Greg stuck next to Nie. He still flirted with me a little, and held me as he whispered things into my ear, but something was different.

As we all walked back to our cars, Chrissy hugged me goodnight, and I turned to say goodnight to everyone else.. but Greg had disappeared. Nie was now riding home with him and not Jeff (whatever his name is) who she came with.

It was still a good night. I had fun. I got to experience a nice man's arms around me, and smile and flirt and laugh.

Don't Have The Time

Yesterday was interesting.

First of all, I "won" this trip (hotel stay) to Hawaii a month or so ago, and I had to list someone as going with me. Now preferably, I wanted to go with someone I'd be able to enjoy myself with and could afford such a trip. That alone narrowed it down greatly. I could have invited a girlfriend or ... Well I decided to invite Luke.

I figured a week in Hawaii. 24/7 together. Should be enough time for both of us to work through whatever was still between us. Most likely we'll either spend the entire trip having sex, or attempting not to kill each other. This will be the most time that we've ever spent together, alone or not. Sink or swim. (I'm very much expecting us to sink)

I told him about it after the fact, and to say he was overjoyed would be putting it mildly. He's a little too excited for comfort.

****

Then there was the friend-request from my ex-bf's (almost fiance, now one of my best friends) little brother. The kid was still in HS when I dated his older brother. He's a nice guy I suppose, but he has a long history of addiction. Drugs, Booze, and smokes like a chimney. He's not good looking at all, though that may be partly due to the addiction and lifestyle he leads.

I've never liked Jord, and him and the rest of his family is why I forced his brother to do several things... like get the fucking hell away from them and visit only on holidays. (It was one of the best things his brother ever did btw. He now has a successful career, a happy marriage, and a kid.) Sure sure I was nice to Jord when I saw him, because for a while he was my little brother too. I actually added him on FB because of that sentiment. Harmless but troubled little bro.

So I asked him how things were going? (I'd not talked to him in years)

To which he replied:

"hey im doin ok i got 4 DUIs now i just got outa jail in aug. thats what i get for bein a bad boy but anyways u r lookin really really good damn u look like u lost weight cuz u take a real good picture and of course u have always been pretty but how are u i seee u still live in austin the place where i was born so are u involved got a man dating married kids whats up whats the scoop sorry i dont use periods or commas its too much of a hassle but anyways chat back if u wanna"

Sadly, unlike most messages like this, my headache was not due to the lack of punctuation or bad spelling. I already knew he was relatively unschooled. My issue was my schock in the amount of balls he had to actually hit on me, not to mention the skin-crawling. My guess is that he's still on something. I honestly don't even know how to reply. I feel like forwarding it to his brother and have him smack some sense into him.

I'm actually a legend in his family, which is one of the reasons my ex's wife hates me. His mom loves me like a daughter, and treats me like a goddess. She, I, and my ex all know full well that had I not stepped in and forced my ways onto my ex that he'd have been dragged down by the family as well.

Wow that last paragraph sounded so full of myself didn't it? Its not really.. ok kinda.. I am proud of how my ex turned his life around. But also, he and his mother credit me with it as well. His mother actually asked me to give the "best-man" speech at his wedding.

I used to be really big into "Fix-er-upper" relationships, and I was amazing at it. Moms and friends loved me. But often when the fixes were done, I'd get bored. Because the primary draw for me was to fix them. Once fixed, I actually had to think.. "Do I want to be with this person?" the answer was usually a resounding no.

Which is why I don't want anyone I feel like I need to fix. If I find myself thinking, "Oh, he'd be better if" or "I can train him to" or anything even remotely like that.. I either dump him (depending on how bad it is) or take a step back and think.. Can I deal with him like he is right now for the rest of my life? If I can't, I move on.

I want someone who is my equal, not a child, not a dress-up doll, not someone who needs fixing. Actually, after my ex-spouse, it might be me that needs the fixing... and I think I'm going to be too busy working on me.

More to Love - BBW Dating

I like to play around online and experiment. And well, since the whole "club dancing" injury, I have a whole lot of time to sit around.

So I joined "More To Love" online dating site.

I kept getting emails from PlentyofFish which has ads on it like nobody's business. And kept seeing advertisements for BBW sites, and Large Women sites..

Before I go much further, let me clarify. I loathe the term BBW. I hate hate hate it. But I figured, I'd give it a trial to see what was out there since some of my heavyset friends have found seemingly good people that actually get turned on by larger women.

It was an experiment to do, and I was bored.

So I signed up, only to find that I cannot message anyone other than a "smile" unless I pay for the site. Yeah, thats not going to happen.

So I let the profile just sit there. It has little on it except my photo, height, body type, education, etc. I didn't even bother to actually write anything.

But I have gotten about 30 "smiles" in two days, which is about twice what I normally get when I first join a site. I assume its because I only have one chin. (I know that was mean, but sometimes I am. You'll have to live with it.)

Well at first anyway.

Then I start clicking the emails to see who has contacted me.

Oh holy cow.. Out of the 20, only two of them would I even think about possibly kissing. The rest were way too old, way too loser (sorry but if your picture makes you look like you should be begging for change on the street, I'ma gunna say no), or way too hoodlum (yes with the lovely txt speak and everything).

It was the Wal-Mart of online dating. (I assume you've all seen "People of Walmart")

I will say one thing though, I will not be quite so superficial in dating after this. I've seen the bottom of the barrel.

Oh, and I'm really going on a diet now. Seriously.

Clinging to Terror & Bad Memories

He's back. And we're talking. If you remember last month I wrote about an old "friend" of mine, Luke, and the hold he used to have over me.

He seems to know when I'm having the hardest times, and pops in. My only saving grace is that he's miles and miles away.

See.. he's known me for too long that he knows all the right buttons to push. What to say. What to do. He could hold a class on how to seduce me.

Last time we'd talked, I scolded him for quitting Facebook. It's how most of our mutual friends keep in touch, and him not being there is like we're missing a spoke or something. Like a class reunion, where one of your good old friends isn't there. Besides its a good way to keep in touch, without really being in touch, which is how I prefer things to be with Luke.

So yesterday he logged into Facebook, and immediately sent me a message. What started out as a joking/teasing thread, suddenly turned into something more on his part (he now signs all his emails to me with "kiss").. and if I'm truly being honest.. something a little bit more on my part.

He's not playing fair either. The pictures he's posted are all of him being happy and playing with his young child. He's a fantastic father, something I always knew that he would be, and since somehow a few years ago I became possessed by a child-wanting spirit.. I'm envious, jealous, and...

I know he wants more children. From things he's stated in the past, I know he's approved of me as a mother. Not actually came out and said that he wants me for himself.. but enough to know that he wouldn't mind having kids with me.

Its a heady thing. Seeing that you could get the "things" you want.. and that that person is showing clear interest in you.

But as much as he makes me remember the good times.. hints, teases, reminders.. "Do you remember when...?" I have to keep reminding myself of the bad times, the emotional torture, and how badly he messed with my head.

I know he's changed a lot.. but I am terrified to trust him again like that. Terrified... and yet what he has to offer is so tempting.. that I'm clinging to that terror for life support.

Communication Frustration

Ok. I tried to keep this guy off of here mostly because he reads this and I didn't want the fallout, but I cannot hold back from comment.

In general, I'm pretty good at sniffing out the "crazy" online. So when my spidey senses start tingling, I often listen. I was trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, but sheesh... honey.. learn how to talk online.

1. It's online. ONLINE. We're not in-person, so you have to relax and give it time to interpret.

2. It's online. ONLINE. So if someone doesn't respond right away, maybe.. just maybe they're doing something important (sleeping, working, bathroom, washing their hair) that takes their time away from answering you. Or maybe they have a life.

3. It's online. ONLINE. So if someone says something slightly offensive, try to give them the benefit of the doubt. or at the very least re-read it.

4. Online or Offline.. being spontaneously defensive over little crap is not NOT NOT attractive.

5. You mentioned you're into "NO DRAMA". This for me is a huge red flag generally meaning that you're all the drama yourself, or that you enable drama. Either way, just being around you is DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. (as if 1-4 weren't enough to prove this to me)

6. Talking to you makes me want to drink.. heavily.

The Conversation:

Mixer: Thanks for following! How are you? [I started following him because I found out he was single.]

Me: doing good.. and yourself? [yeah I'm that eloquent baby]

Mixer: Doing fine, thank you for asking! How was your day?

Me: days been good. actually got some stuff done. Hurray! And yourself?

Mixer: Got some things done! Going to get some other stuff done! Sorry to hear about mr.text! It's what you wrote, his loss [we're talking about Drew here]

Me: thanks. its ok. he was too young for me anyway [too young, too hesitant, too I don't care anymore]

Mixer: Well glad your ok with it! I'm glad we are talking! What do you like to do for fun [this question is a necessary evil, but the way my mind works its impossible to answer. Seriously, I'll either end up giving you a 200 page report or a one word answer "umm"]
Mixer: Well I hope your smiling and your having a fantastic day, hope to chat more [8 minute delay and he's heading out. Ok we'll talk later.]

Me: Fun.. lots of things. Mostly the company thats makes or breaks it. Hope you're having a great day as well [so I try to reply to both txt's at the same time for when he gets back.]

Mixer: I totally agree with you! I'm glad I messaged you, looking forward to getting to know you [Dude.. you're way excited. Besides you already exit strategied, I figured you were leaving.]

Me: Thanks you too [I have no idea what else to say as I'm starting to get my spidey sense tingling that he's desperate.]

(Conversation ends til morning)

Mixer: Good morning! Hope you have a wonderful day!
Mixer: -invite to some cheezy game - [really? wow.. he's really dating stupid]
Mixer: Hope I didn't say anything wrong! Like to chat with you!

(all this was before I'd even gotten to my computer that day. In his defense I got to my computer at 2pm, but sheesh.. come on. we've only had one chat and he's already panicking?)

Me: You worry too much. Relax. Just let things happen if they're going to

Mixer: Ok no problem! Sorry how's your day going?

Me: going good. So how long have you been single?

Mixer: I am glad things are going good, i have been single for awhile. I don't settle for just a good time or someone for the moment. I would like to be with someone who likes me for me not for what i do, as a dj, and i love music. Not into games or drama [wow excellent dodge of the question.]
Mixer: How long have you been single?

Me: about a year. I'm only asking because you seem out of your element. Maybe its just twitter. [online is not everyone's forte]
Me: Well I can honestly say I won't be after you because of what you do. I like good music, but I'm not an addict. [I live in Austin. You are required by law to like music if you live here]

Mixer: An addict! I'm not a club Dj I do weddings and Xmas parties etc! So your gonna judge me just by that [whoa dawgies. wtf?]

Me: Are you joking or you defensive?

Mixer: Ummm neither, just seems like you say your not interested cause of what i do. So isnt that judgemental? i am a great smart sweet kind guy [lets also put passionate, emotionally volatile, and sensitive]

Me: Where did I say I wasn't interested? sheesh dude, chillax. [If I have to tell you to relax more than once in a day about two different things, we've got problems]

Mixer: Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry I mis-read what u wrote! I'm truly sorry and I apologize! I'm chilled sorry [should I repeat chillax to him again?]
Mixer: I'm sorry maybe your getting the wrong impression of me and yes Twitter doesn't help lol I'd like to talk and get to know you

Me: Reading is a big challenge. :P [me being funny while annoyed to all hell]

Mixer: No I know how to read sorry just multi-tasking and I miss read it I apologize

So where do I go from here? Seriously. I do I lie and say its ok.. or be honest and tell him he's too freaking high-strung for me?

I need some xanax.

Are You Interested?

It's come to my attention that I may have to stop being quite so laid back about dating if I want things to work out. Now after every date, I think I'm going to ask them...

"So, Are you interested?"

I've been chatting with this guy whom I could not figure out. We'd met through "Sugardaddy.com" even though I'm not into what most men there are seeking. Which we discussed in detail our first conversation a couple weeks ago. He said that he wanted to find a relationship as well, with kids and marriage and the whole shebang. It was a good conversation.

Then the next few nights after that first conversation, he'd say "Hi" or send me a "lick" on the website and then get busy with a "phone call" or something and not come back. He'd ask how my day was, I'd ask how his was. We'd both answer and the conversation would die.

I assumed he wasn't interested. I vowed to myself after my ex (who took the backseat in the entire relationship) that I wasn't going to be in another relationship where the guy wasn't head over heels. So if I read him as not interested, I move on... quickly.

So come this past monday, he began re-asking me questions that we'd already discussed our first conversation. I blew my top. It'd barely been a couple weeks and he already forgot what we'd agreed to? Red alarm bells went off in my head. He can't be that into you if he's already forgetting the entire premise of the relationship.

I can't remember now what I'd said, but he knew I was pissed. But I do remember telling him that he didn't seem very interested.

To which, he blew his top. He thought I wasn't interested, but he'd been messaging me every time he saw me online.

*sigh* Communication Fail.

So we're to go out on Sunday.

Then last night, I get a message from Mr Hottub (also known as Mr One-Arm Hug). If you remember way back about the guy I posted about who I swore was not interested, but wanted our second date to be in a hot tub.

Mr H. "Haven't talked to you in awhile. So I'm not meeting too many people on this site. What was the name of that other site you were telling me about? I forgot:)"

I was shocked. He remembered our conversation enough to look me up a month later to ask me about a dating site? But doesn't remember me enough to actually contact me to set up that hot tub date? (which I never heard from him on it) I don't know why this week that I've suddenly grown balls and am telling people off.. but I am.

ME "Seriously? Is this how you're telling me you're not interested?"

Mr. H "what do you mean - I thought you were cute but not interested in me.

You told me about this other site - just wondering what it was. :)"

ME "uh... you ended our "date" with a one arm hug, and the next date you wanted to get together in a hot tub (which doesn't say interested says "you're good for sex"). Then you disappear. So I assume you're really not interested.

As for other sites, they're all lame."

I figured at this point there wasn't much he could come back with. I was all "Take that you ass."

Mr. H "If I wanted sex I would go out and look for a one night stand. But I'm not like that. I thought a hot tub sounded fun! Sorry to piss ya off :("

Damn... he has a point. Maybe he really is just dating etiquette stupid.

ME "ok. hot tubs might be fun, but not so early. I kinda liked you, but figured you weren't interested.. so was a little hurt that you asked for a dating site from me.

You were probably referring to "plentyoffish.com" but its really lame. Either that or Match.com"

Mr. H "if you say it sucks I won't bother. Maybe we could get together sometime next week. Going to Houston this weekend."

ME "Sure.. gimme a jingle or drop me a note when you get back. Have fun in Houston."

Mr. H "what number can I reach you at? I lost it :("

At this point, I'm pretty sure I was right that he's not interested. But I've gone this far, might as well see what comes to play next week.

ME: "Lost it? This is not boding well for you. :) (my phone number)"

So now I'm wondering a bit how many dates I've screwed up because I was too aloof or distant. How many of the men that I liked actually thought I was the uninterested party?

I hate self-doubt. So maybe from now on I'm just going to ask point blank, "Are you freaking interested or not?"

Why Do I Bother?

Tuesday night was definitely a "why in the hell do I bother" evening.

It started off with me waking up today with dark circles under my eyes the size of China. Luckily those went away in the shower.

Next, I went to go scrub off some spilled nail polish on my toe, by lifting my foot up to the counter in the bathroom. My swift move with my beautiful dexterity had my foot end its upward journey smacking the outside of my littlest toe on the edge of the counter taking off a good chunk of the skin. It bled and bled and bled.

Next while curling my hair, I managed to drop the curling iron on my bare skin in not one.. not two.. but FOUR places. One of which being that soft spot on the back of your hand between your thumb and your forefinger. Its still (4 hours later) bright red and puffy.

I did finally manage to get myself pulled together and go. I get lost. Not because the place is hard to find, but because I'm especially mentally challenged today and mistake Woodward Rd for WoodVille. The latter being the one I was supposed to be on. So I end up showing up late.

My "date" from OkStupid was a guy that I'd been eyeing for a while. I couldn't tell for sure from his pictures if he was hot or average. I couldn't really tell if he was 300lbs or 100lbs. He has that roundish face that if you just take a picture of the face it could go either way.

We'd messaged each other back in July and then he just never replied. He seemed to disappear and I forgot about him. Then yesterday he pops on and asks me if I'm still available and if I'd like to meet him tonight. He said it was a no-stress way of meeting (obviously he doesn't know me, cuz this is way more stressful). He was playing in a concert, a small thing, and wanted to know if I'd come watch and we'd meet after he finished. I really didn't have anything going on tonight and figured "what the hell".

I walk in late and see him sitting in the audience. He's in black slacks and a button up black shirt, and very good looking. I sit next to him and introduce myself. He seems reticent to talk, and I asked if I'd missed his performance. He said no, and pointed to the program where he was listed to play. I figured he was being quiet out of respect for the people playing and maybe because he wanted to get into the mindset of playing. So we sat in silence.

He got up to play. Before he played he announced the pieces. This was the first time I'd heard his voice. His voice is awesome. I'd screw him merely to hear his voice in orgasm. Its that awesome. When he was finished, he sat on the other side of the audience with the people he played with. I figured he didn't want to make a scene by coming all the way over to my side. I waited.

The concert went to intermission. He came around to where I was sitting, and gathered his things. He mentioned that he wanted to take a little time to put his instrument away and that he'd meet me in the hall.

More waiting.

He finished packing up his stuff, and after talking to a few other people about music stuff or whatever, he motioned to me to follow him. He was leaving.

We talked a bit down the stairs and on the way to our cars. He seemed really nervous or guilty.. hard to say. He said he'd walk me to my car. I said he didn't have to.. (I mean really if we're saying good night after this short of time, please don't attempt to be polite). He said wanted to..

My car ended up being 2 cars away from his, so his walking me became moot. We talked a little bit. He was busy saying how tired he was after rehearsing since 4pm today (if you knew you were going to be tired why in the hell did you ask me to come?).

It wasn't until I mentioned Telnet and MUDs that his eyes even looked a little interested. He mentioned that I should add him on Facebook. We talked a little geek, and I could tell he was fascinated at my geekery. It was then I said:

"Well I should let you go since you're so tired." and started to walk away.

He reached out his hand for a handshake and I walked toward him shook his hand and went to leave.

"We should chat online for a bit soon." He commented after me.

I turned to him and said, "How about you contact me when you're less tired."

I got into my car, and left. The entire date lasted maybe an hour if you include all my waiting. Our conversation length was about 5 minutes.

If I hear from him again, I'll be shocked.

(He added me on Facebook... hmm)

Communication: An Essential for Online Dating

On Friday night, about 3 am, I received a message on Facebook from a man not of my acquaintance, which in itself is not completely unusual. I am rather attractive, and I have a quite common "look" that I'm often mistaken for someone else, but thats another story for another time. I also, a long long time ago, joined an application on Facebook (FB) for dating called "Are You Interested?" and have occasionally received friend requests or messages from men finding me through that application. So the mere contact of a strange man was not foreign to me.

What was strange to me was his method of approach. He merely said in his FB email..

"are you there?"

Rather ominous from a strange man. I clicked his profile, and found nothing of any interest except that his network was Ontario, Canada which I live no where near. I jogged my brain to figure out who this was. Surely with such a brief question, I must know him from somewhere, so I replied.

"maybe? who are you?"

He then replied with a much larger email.

"Hi Beautiful,

Let me start with I'm so happy and glad to hear back from you, and I should also thank you for taking your convenience time to write me, it's really a pleasure for that.

I am Divorced and a father of 1 boy he is 14years old. Her mum died when she was 3yrs old. I Have been dealing with the loneliness while taking good care of my son all together, though it has not been easy for me to take 3 scheduled steps at a time, but I really have to. it's my own duty, and I should also count my son as my #1 priority in life. I hope you know what kids means to parents.can we chat on yahoo messenger id?(his yahoo id),i will be waiting for reply."

Whoa dawgies. Ok, let me read this again. Sentence 1, he has a boy. Sentence 2, her mum? Wtf? What 3 steps? What in the hell is he talking about?

In an attempt to clarify, I wrote back.

"ok.. umm.. you didn't really say who you were. Or maybe I should ask, why you're msging me? or how you found me?

You also seem a little confused on the sex of your own child."

He replied,

"I was looking for a woman to spend the rest of my life with,and when i saw you i decided to mail you and the sex of my child is boy.."

Well why in the hell didn't you just say so in the first place!! Sheesh. Still no clarification of how he found me, but I decided to let it go.

"ah.. ok.. I assume then you found me though "Are you interested?"

So you're divorced? How long divorced? And what did you mean by 3 scheduled steps?"

I wanted to see just how fresh his divorce was, and hoping that I could get some relatively straight answers from him.

He replied, "i lost my wife 10yrs ago and i need some else now because of my boy,i will appreciate if we can work thing out."

Boggle. Either the man has horrid luck by getting a divorce from his wife and the mother of his child dying at the same time.. or its one person and he got a divorce and then she died.. or she died, and he recently got a divorce from someone else which he's not mentioning. Or maybe in Whackoville, Ontario, Canada, widower and divorcee are the same thing?

He still hadn't answered what in the hell the 3 steps were, but it didn't really matter. "i need someone now because of my boy" was entirely enough to stop all contact. I'm not sure what his boy has to do with him needing to find a wife now, and I'm not sure I want to know. I assume he wanted a "mother" for his child, or a live-in nanny he could screw.

I want a man who wants me for me, for him.