I'm Moving... Er I moved?

Well Hopefully I'm moving. I've nearly got it all set up.. nearly. Everything was packed up and dragged over.

So.. I guess I'll appologize to all you for having to reset your RSS feeds, and re-follow me on Networked blogs. well that is if you want to. I won't.. require it. I don't have thugs in the bushes waiting to make you do it or else.

But I'd like you all to join me on my new site.. which is hopefully less aggrivating for you as it is for me... partially anyway..

Anyway, here's the site MaruskaMorena.com

Mourning The Loss Of Possibility

Funny enough, after having a conversation yesterday where I mention that most dating bloggers are f'n crazy. I then proceed along my day only proving that statement true for myself.



1. I call some strange dude that I've never met. I know. I know.


2. I head out to get groceries and stalk the pool on the way to and from my car looking for Mr. Hot German.


3. I break down in tears over someone I'm not dating, whom I've never met, and proceed to want to get obliterated with alcohol because of it.


1 & 2 are normal crazy for me. 3... well I'm gunna blame hormones, but really its more involved than that.. which honestly does make me crazy.


See, I have loved this guy for a long time. We've slowly been getting to know each other. When we first met, he wanted nothing to do with a relationship and I did.


He's honestly the only person since my divorce that I haven't "broken out into hives" at the thought of getting into a relationship. Partly because we seem to understand each other, and partly I suppose because we're miles apart and it seems more like a fantasy than real reality.


We've talked while we dated other people. He's asked my advice several times when courting a new girl, but its never been anything serious.


Then last night, he asked my advice on proposing to her. This girl he's been dating for a little while.


See when someone I care for, asks me for advice, I auto-pilot to give them the best advice I know, without any reguard for myself. It is how I am. I could be selfish and help him destroy his relationship, but I couldn't face myself in the mirror let alone face him. Because honestly, I sincerely just want him to be happy, even more than the desire to be the one that makes him happy.


I'd been as clear as I could be about my feelings without actually sending him naked pictures labeled "Do Me" or sending him some silly love note. I'm also not keen, since my ex, to be the one making the overtures. I really want a guy who wants me enough, not to let me go.


It doesn't much matter anyway. He's head over heels. A goner. I'm sure I can hope that she'll say no, but I know she won't. He's that great of a catch.


So last night, I drank up while crying into my wine. Maybe I'll find one of my own, someday.

Simply Frustrated

I was at a meeting last night, which I was told... "My goodness woman, you should be rolling in the dough." when I explained exactly what it was that I do.



I honestly do 3 things. I'm pretty good at two of them, and more than adequate at the other. The adequate one is the one I'm working on the most right now. Its easy. The other two are "fun" projects.


It never fails though that when I tell people the 3 things that I do they will tell me which one I should be concentrating on to make lots of money.


"You know #1 will make you tons of money."


"Wow, I really could use someone who does #2, you could make a lot of money at that."


"You do #3?? I have a bunch of friends who need you. Start your own business. You'll make tons of money."

It's really annoying. Mostly since I'm not making any money (ok I'm making some money, but not enough to cover bills) on any of them right now. and that no one seems to agree on which one I should be doing.


Also annoying... I'm not meeting anyone my age when I go out. It might be some kind of mental problem of mine, or maybe the world just really wants me to date someone much much older or much much younger.


Actually the other day I was making fun of this guy who I ran into on OkStupid who keeps trying to connect me with guys I would have babysat in HS. This guy claimed to be 35, but looked and dressed in his pictures as if he was maybe 23. So I complained to Holi that he was lying about his age.


She replied, "Well now isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?"


Which I got offended.. Cuz I don't lie on dating sites. Instead she explained,


"How many times do you bitch about guys writing you off because they think you're too young for them?"

Holi is really a bitch sometimes. :)


I look young. It's not a conscience effort. I don't do botox or get face lifts. I honestly have never really worried about wrinkles. (knocking on wood as I type this) I just haven't aged that much in the last 20 years. In HS, I looked early 20's, and now I look roughly late 20's maybe early 30's. Absolutely no one ever thinks I'm 37, and often look at me like I've grown a third head when they do find out. (I also often get asked about my skin care regimen - Oh how do I stay so young?)

So anyway, back to the men I'm meeting. Pierce btw... 11 yrs younger than me. The rocker guy (I've not mentioned yet) 11 yrs younger than me. The annoyingly chipper but cute salesman type guy at the bar last night who locked me into an entire 45 minutes of conversation, is 11 yrs younger than me.


The other men I'm meeting are all much older. One I kinda have a crush on, is 49 and won't give me the time of day because I'm too young (you should see the wrinkly women he does hit on). Others are 48-65. Some are attractive men and some just remind me of creepy old men.


What I really need to find is the German guy from my pool again. I'm a bad judge of age on sexy men with chests of steel, but I guarantee you he was at least my age or older. (Did I mention that I was walking by the pool to get to my car.. I see him through the break in the trees toweling off. He's dark haired, chiseled, and wet. I can't stop watching. He's watching me. I look away finally, he keeps watching me. Then when I look back at him, he waves me over with a come here hand gesture then asks me to join him. If only I wasn't on my way to a meeting. Damn it.)

Anyone know where to find the 30-40's men? Or are they all dead?.. er married I mean.

Purposefully Seeking OCD

I'm going to admit something.. you probably already know, but something I've kept hidden from myself. Its how I process, I know this.. I just... well.. its hard to see what you're hiding from yourself, because... well.. you're hiding it from yourself.

See how that works?



I've been trying to re-build my life for years, with the most progress happening this last year since the divorce. I may or may not have had a "breakdown" years ago. Its hard to say, and never was diagnosed. But looking back, I have to wonder.



All I know is that somewhere along the way, I forgot how to be a functional human being. I honestly blame my ex, but in reality I should blame myself. I stayed where I should have fled.



I'm discovering little things on my road back to humanity. I forgot what it was like to take joy in doing something for absolutely no reason other than I wanted to. I forgot what it was like to actually get a real paycheck for real services rendered. I forgot that pride.



People used to call me "Monica".. remember Monica from friends.. she was OCD, reserved, a great cook. Everything had its place. It drove her crazy when something wasn't where it belonged.



Thats how I used to be. Seriously. Everything had its place. Somehow during the battle with my ex (who believed that everything went wherever he decided to leave it, and that fairies would move it back to its spot. He also believed that to cure OCD was for him to simply do everything that made me crazy.), up until even today, that particular OCD has gone away. (not fully, but for the most part yes.)



I was actually having a conversation with my best friend where she began to talk about how she now has my OCD... well not exactly, she's much more of a clean-freak than I ever was. I started looking around my apartment and realized that.. I no longer have any of the "functional" parts of my OCD.



Seriously, its like apathy has taken over OCD. Like I am (was) functioning defeated. Like I'd given up.



So I've decided that I'm going to get it back. I'm happier with things in their place. I'm happier with a cleaner/neater apartment.



And so, I've been slowly digging myself out of this hole I've built. I can almost see my dining room table again.



I'm making a new list of "rules" and will be practicing doing them until I get back to where I was... ok maybe not the insane OCD crap.. but functional. Where I can have someone over maybe without saying "Oh, umm.. just close your eyes."



(Btw, I have managed to rid myself of my "I need this" hoarding OCD, which I am not seeking to take up again. Thanks but that's one I can do just fine without.)



**** For you that are grossing yourselves out with your imaginations, please understand that my mess is clean mess. I don't have left over food containers all over, or crumbs everywhere. Its just old things to get rid of, papers to file, clothes to give to goodwill.. and some canned goods to put away.

Stop The Muffin-Top Bra!

OH DEAR LORD!



I don't talk much about fashion though I have to say I definitely have some strong opinions on it. The other night I was watching late late night TV.. couldn't sleep.. and came across a waste of time called "The Wendy Williams Show" which I watched mostly because I was doing other things and not caring a whole lot about what was on.


Then she started talking about fashion and had a fashion expert on the show. The fashion expert had some good tips, so I paid attention.


Then Wendy and a guest (not the fashionista) began to talk about bra selection. They both said that they thought (or used to think) that having that little bubble of breast hanging over the top of the bra was sexy. They both had been told by fashion experts to buy larger (better fitting) bras.

Dear Women of the World.. (men if you disagree please comment and tell me why)

Wearing your boobs out in public in a bra that is too small causing your boobs to bubble over the top or outside of the bra.. IS DISGUSTING!

Its not sexy. It makes you look like you're fashion stupid or poor (can't afford an appropriately sized bra) or just a trashy woman without any taste.

 

Please please please.. go into your nearest department store or lingerie shop with knowledgeable staff and get yourself measured for an appropriate size.

Unlike our shoes.. our boobs size can change at the drop of a hat. Weight gain. Weight loss. Even time of the month (hormonal) can cause size changes.. which in some women can be very significant. So you may need a couple choices of fits.

For most of us women, our boobs are one of our greatest selling features when dating. When we want to look good, a good bra can sometimes make or break an outfit. (Not to mention what a good bra can do for the .. umm.. gym. - As my childhood friend said about my sister as she ran to first base in softball "Holy Cow! She could knock herself out with those.")

Honestly women.. I cannot stress this enough.. when it comes to fashion.. to looking good.. to making an impression.. a good fitting bra is essential.

A muffin-top bra is never acceptable. So stop it... stop it now!

(please notice that all pictures are muffin-top free.. take notes.)

The Hottest Guy Comes With Wheels

So the other night, I go to this networking meeting. Pierce was supposed to be there, but thats not entirely why I went. I do have my own life outside of the urge to stalk him.



Plus the fact that he didn't reply to my DM the other day.. he's a little bit in the doghouse. Honestly, I'd completely write him off if he wasn't so damn attentive last I saw him... and well if he wasn't so damn cute.


So anyway, I go. Pierce is not there. But I honestly only notice his abscense for about the first 5 minutes.


I enter and behind me in the entrance line is my old director and her beau. This is a networking thing for the geeky. I was a little shocked that she was there and that she'd heard about it. Weird.


Anyway, we get closer to the front of the line... there's a couple in front of me.. when a loud voice from the table says "Hey Maruska! I got ya, just fill out a nametag."


It's my favorite hot happily-married man. So I grin at him.


"Whaaa? you know who I am?" I say jokingly while I fill out my nametag.


Well a few minutes later after checking out who all is there (aka not Pierce), my old director finds me.


"Hey, how'd you do that?"


I look at her like she's grown a third eye as I try to jog my memory about what I might have just done.


"Huh?"


"At the entrance, how'd you do that?" She's looking at me as if I'm the social guru of the year.


"Oh, yeah.. I know him. No biggie. I actually know quite a few of the people here. I'm kinda geek." I admit as I am uncomfortable with her whole "omg you've got the hookup" attitude... though I was a little flattered by it. She's the Who's Who of Independant Theatre in Austin, so it was kinda funny getting on her "respect" list for networking.


"Oh wow, I didn't know. I just heard about these things." She says while looking around.


I'm looking around too, but mostly for someone to motion to me and save me from what is bound to me more uncomfortable talking.


I mention to her that I need to go say "Hi" to a few people and wish her a fun evening. Then I fled.


Of course, Pierce was a no-show the entire event. But that didn't mean I wasn't flirting around.


Actually, I wasn't so much flirting around as I was being flirted with. Made my head spin a little. See my little business venture is getting around I think.. or else it's given me some kind of pheromones to attract men.


There was one gentleman I've met like once before. Maybe twice, but pretty sure just once. I honestly don't know his name. He's hot. He's sweet. But not normally what I go for.. so not really on my radar.


But evidently I am on his. Within minutes of him seeing me, he came over and said hello. He then entrapped me into a conversation (it wasn't torturous, pleasant really, but he obviously was not letting me just flit on by). When he was interupted by a friend of his, I turned away to see who else was interesting to talk to..


Thats when I met the hottest guy.


Seriously when I tell you this guy is hot.. I mean hot... but probably not in the way most of you are thinking.


He was well kept. Great hair. Very hot face. Hot upper body. Looked like a relaxed GQ kinda guy. But what made him hot was his communication skills. The guy could talk to you and make you feel like the only woman in the room. He also listened like every word you said was gold. Two sentences in and I already wanted to nasty things to him. Sizzling.


Weirder still.. he's in a wheelchair. Something that normally I'd see, and check off my list of viable. But honestly, it wasn't really noticable. In a crowd of 50 people all standing, where his face had to be butt-high at best, I didn't really notice his chair. I simply saw a hot man. That's how smoking hot this guy is.


There are things more important than superficiality.


By the way, I wasn't the only girl swooning over this guy. He and I got interupted, and I left to find out if my other friends had shown up. Sure enough they had, so I did some chatting. In between conversations though, I'd go and see if hot guy was available for chatting.


He never was. Every time I went to see if he was free, he was fully surrounded by hot women. Seriously surrounded.


*le sigh*

I finished the evening having made a couple new friends, and with a few more hours of flirting under my belt.

... And with a little sadness that I didn't get to spend more time with the hot man.

No Need To Get High, I'm There Already

So I had this interesting conversation with a guy friend the other day, and as it turns out he might be a pothead.



Once upon a time when I was just a young innocent girl (yes I know it’s hard to believe, now shhh) this revelation would have shocked me, and I'd have backed away like he said he had lice and offered me some.

Anymore though.. especially with living in Austin like I do.. it was like he said he likes to go Kayaking or White Water rafting. Two things that I don't do and have never done, but I can sort of relate to.. sort of.

I mean I've been in water. I've been tubing. I've rowed a canoe and a rowboat. I can extrapolate. I'm good like that. And I'm relatively certain that my exuberance level at rowing a canoe while the other occupants were trying to tip it mid-stream probably directly correlates to the excitement of white water rapids for others. (If I've not mentioned my fear of water with fish in it before, please insert that context into here.) Let’s just leave out my experience with tubing while being chased by a water moccasin. They were exciting adventures. Thrilling. and semi-death defying (shut up they were too).


But back to the chat about Mary-Jo-Wanna...


I'm honestly not sure how we got to talking about it. But we started to talk about getting high and had I experienced it.


Most of my life, though I was pretty much a goody-two-shoes.. still kinda am, people often looked at me like I was.. well.. high. I related well with potheads. It wasn't until a few years ago, that I really figured out why. And this conversation with my friend only cemented this theory for me.


See as my friend and I talked about getting high on pot, the more he explained.. the more I explained about my experiences with being "high"...


FYI... I've never smoked pot. Just in case you were worried. I did get a second hand high once, that was enough.. thanks.


Anyway.. the more I realized that I didn't need Mary-Jo.


See, I get high with certain allergic reactions. (I know crazy right?) Just ask my friends. They've seen it. One minute I'm all fluent in English and having logical thought patterns.. the next I'm.


well.. I'm..

"Trapped in body with a broken babblefish"


And everything you say sounds like "Waaaaa Waaaaa Waaaa" (yes the Charlie Brown parents' speak).


The world gets a little unsteady, movement feels quite like an amusement park ride, and I turn into bonafide "stupid".. I seriously have trouble remembering my name.


I even sometimes get the munchies later.

So I don't need no Mary-Jo.. I can get my high cheap, legally... well of course a little death defying..

Which is why I avoid it.


PS: That one time I did get second hand Mary-Jo high.. Scared the ever-loving crap out of me, I thought I was having an allergic reaction. Fortunately, no.. it just rendered me uncoordinated and a moron for a few hours. Phew.