Mourning The Loss Of Possibility

Funny enough, after having a conversation yesterday where I mention that most dating bloggers are f'n crazy. I then proceed along my day only proving that statement true for myself.



1. I call some strange dude that I've never met. I know. I know.


2. I head out to get groceries and stalk the pool on the way to and from my car looking for Mr. Hot German.


3. I break down in tears over someone I'm not dating, whom I've never met, and proceed to want to get obliterated with alcohol because of it.


1 & 2 are normal crazy for me. 3... well I'm gunna blame hormones, but really its more involved than that.. which honestly does make me crazy.


See, I have loved this guy for a long time. We've slowly been getting to know each other. When we first met, he wanted nothing to do with a relationship and I did.


He's honestly the only person since my divorce that I haven't "broken out into hives" at the thought of getting into a relationship. Partly because we seem to understand each other, and partly I suppose because we're miles apart and it seems more like a fantasy than real reality.


We've talked while we dated other people. He's asked my advice several times when courting a new girl, but its never been anything serious.


Then last night, he asked my advice on proposing to her. This girl he's been dating for a little while.


See when someone I care for, asks me for advice, I auto-pilot to give them the best advice I know, without any reguard for myself. It is how I am. I could be selfish and help him destroy his relationship, but I couldn't face myself in the mirror let alone face him. Because honestly, I sincerely just want him to be happy, even more than the desire to be the one that makes him happy.


I'd been as clear as I could be about my feelings without actually sending him naked pictures labeled "Do Me" or sending him some silly love note. I'm also not keen, since my ex, to be the one making the overtures. I really want a guy who wants me enough, not to let me go.


It doesn't much matter anyway. He's head over heels. A goner. I'm sure I can hope that she'll say no, but I know she won't. He's that great of a catch.


So last night, I drank up while crying into my wine. Maybe I'll find one of my own, someday.

Stop The Muffin-Top Bra!

OH DEAR LORD!



I don't talk much about fashion though I have to say I definitely have some strong opinions on it. The other night I was watching late late night TV.. couldn't sleep.. and came across a waste of time called "The Wendy Williams Show" which I watched mostly because I was doing other things and not caring a whole lot about what was on.


Then she started talking about fashion and had a fashion expert on the show. The fashion expert had some good tips, so I paid attention.


Then Wendy and a guest (not the fashionista) began to talk about bra selection. They both said that they thought (or used to think) that having that little bubble of breast hanging over the top of the bra was sexy. They both had been told by fashion experts to buy larger (better fitting) bras.

Dear Women of the World.. (men if you disagree please comment and tell me why)

Wearing your boobs out in public in a bra that is too small causing your boobs to bubble over the top or outside of the bra.. IS DISGUSTING!

Its not sexy. It makes you look like you're fashion stupid or poor (can't afford an appropriately sized bra) or just a trashy woman without any taste.

 

Please please please.. go into your nearest department store or lingerie shop with knowledgeable staff and get yourself measured for an appropriate size.

Unlike our shoes.. our boobs size can change at the drop of a hat. Weight gain. Weight loss. Even time of the month (hormonal) can cause size changes.. which in some women can be very significant. So you may need a couple choices of fits.

For most of us women, our boobs are one of our greatest selling features when dating. When we want to look good, a good bra can sometimes make or break an outfit. (Not to mention what a good bra can do for the .. umm.. gym. - As my childhood friend said about my sister as she ran to first base in softball "Holy Cow! She could knock herself out with those.")

Honestly women.. I cannot stress this enough.. when it comes to fashion.. to looking good.. to making an impression.. a good fitting bra is essential.

A muffin-top bra is never acceptable. So stop it... stop it now!

(please notice that all pictures are muffin-top free.. take notes.)

My Meeting With The Playas

The other night I went out with Evie and a friend of hers. In all honesty, I went for the possibility of meeting someone, yet with the full expectation of being completely bored out of my mind. A group of 3 girls almost always leaves one as the third wheel, and since Evie's friend and her were childhood friends, I fully expected to be the third wheel.




But I needed to go out, and nothing else that night sounded even remotely entertaining.



We went to a play and then the after-party. It was a small production with a small audience. It was ok. Some of the actors, you could tell were naturally talented and the rest were really trying to be. It was at least entertaining.



Then about 20 minutes from the end, I see Evie's ex? I guess thats who he is. I can't remember if they'd had sex or exactly what... But I do know that she's at least seen his penis, and helped him get off. They're "friends" now, but with Evie that could be FwB or just platonic friends. Its really hard to say.



Evie can't go a night without a guy. During the show, she'd texted him to meet her there. So when I saw him come in.. I knew what had happened and I rolled my eyes.



It doesn't help that I just cannot stand the guy. I avoid him like he's got cooties. He comes off as needy and desperate. And I've got the feeling that any woman will do for him as long as she's mildly attractive (not hideous), and not illegal. (I guess I should be thankful he has some standards huh?)



Plus.. from Evie, I know WAY more that I ever wanted to about his sexual interests and erm.. proclivities. If I wasn't interested by the fact that he looks like a doofus, or by the fact that he acts like he's only out for getting laid and desperately at that, then his sexual preferences alone would have sealed the deal for me that I wasn't going to touch him with a 10 foot pole.



After the show was over, and while we waited for the after-party to start, I found out that Trey had brought two friends with him.



Techincally he brought one friend, who brought his friend.. but thats just me nitpicking.



So we're standing around, and these two guys join our group. I of course wonder who they are, and Evie introduces them.



I honestly don't remember their names. So I'm gunna make up some names.



The first one was chatty, but from the moment he opened his mouth, my lady parts shuddered and recoiled. Jessie's voice was a little .. umm.. too high and he talked with just a slight lisp. Had he not talked about screwing women, I would have sworn he was gay. He was around my height, but with delicate bone structure. His wrists were even dainty. The thought of him having sex with a woman quite frankly made me giggle... a lot.



He talked as if he was Mr. MacDaddy which wasn't helping the situation any. Maybe he does get all the girls. Who knows.. I just find it immensely unbelievable. To be honest, I found the idea of him and Trey being secret lovers much much more believable.



The third guy, Bill, was shy and completely did not fit with the other two. He was new to town, so I excused his judgement in friends. He had long hair and was Native American. He actually was kind of sweet, but way too young. That didn't keep him from attempting to hit on me though. So cute, in an adorable little boy way (I know.. just the way guys hope to be seen right?), but about an hour or so later he admitted his age and he was barely legal. WAY too young for me, and thus I was right in thinking of him as a little boy.



So none of them were at all.. in any way.. potential interests of mine. This actually made the night more fun, because they ALL thought that I'd be happy to have them.



Dear Men... I am not that desperate.. and will never be that desperate.. Sorry.



So the party got started, and people started going back inside. It was hot inside. Like sauna hot. I went in to be social for a bit, but found my way outside rather quickly. The last thing I needed was to be miserable on top of this potential boredom.



A few minutes later, one guy after the other came outside as well. Soon it was myself and the three guys.



We began to talk. Jessie kept giving the youngin' Bill some MacDaddy advice, which I would then critique and tell him how to do it better. Then Jessie saw that as a sign to out do himself. It became this challenge to show me how much of a MacDaddy he was. I couldn't have secretly laughed at him more. At one point he said:



"I shouldn't tell you because you'll hate me."



To which I replied, "If I don't hate you by now, I'm pretty sure there's nothing you can come up with."



He stammered and still pretended to be all gentlemanly in refusing to divulge his scoundrel secrets in my presence.



"Ok.. by hate you.. what did you mean by that?"



Jessie turned red, and so I continued...



"If you mean by hate you, that I would no longer want to have sex with you.. let me put your mind at ease.. that ship sailed within the first minutes of meeting you. So just say what you were going to say."



He looked at me agast, and then did his best to recover. He tried to ask what it was that turned me off, but I simply brushed him off with a "Eh, you're not my type." (Rather than telling him that he reminded me of some gay friends from college.) He retorted with a "Oh well at least we're on the same page." which made me laugh.

Yes yes... I can be a bitch, but I honestly cared not at all what this guy or his friends thought of me.

So he continues about his rules for "dating" which were quite frankly steps to have a one night stand. He did pretty much every cliche' without actually mentioning roofies, though he did mention that getting a girl completely plowed so she'd not remember how to get back to his place later. I know.. a charmer. I of course added rules for him, and instead told him that he should just go to her place. No one can say I'm not helpful. :)



If I'm not interested in dating you, and I'm pretty sure you're harmless (or at least that even the smallest woman could kick your ass), I'm more than willing to share my knowledge to help you get laid.. by someone else. :) Its just how I roll.

Bill however was really enjoying the conversation and cursing that he had no way to take notes. The poor guy. In reality all Bill would have to do to get laid is to hang out with these two morons he was with, then go appologize to the girls later and state that he was new to town. He was sweet, honest, and not bad looking.. and following the wake of the other two guys, he'd look like the catch of the day.
Trey however was not liking the conversation. He instead was trying desperately to convince me that his playboy past was over (like I really believed he had a playboy past), and he was now looking for a real relationship. He was not grasping the idea that I could have cared less about what he was looking for.. I was not interested.. yet he continually tried to impress me with his "seeking a relationship" self.



When we began to discuss ages.. Trey started it by saying he was 40 (he looks maybe 34) and how 30 was the new 20 for him. The others also stated their ages, and then came my turn, which I declined. They were 19, 31, and 40.. and I just let them believe whatever age they thought I was. Generally I'm assumed to be in my late 20's or early 30's, so I figure they thought I was.



Then Trey began commenting on the music that was wafting outside from the party.



"I used to skate to this back in '78"



Which we all would tease him about making himself sound ancient. Heck I'm not much younger than him, and even I thought he sounded old the things he was saying.



It was one "I'm old" statement after anouther which kept me entertained by teasing him about how old he was making himself sound and "Thats the way to win the Ladies, man." sarcasm. I honestly don't think he understood just exactly how off-putting his "remember when" was, or would be to younger women.. when their parents would be the ones saying those "remember whens".



We were outside talking for a couple hours before the other two girls came out, and we all parted ways.



All in all it was a good night.. Lots of fun (for me anyway.)

Covering Some Urban (Dating) Legends

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder... or as a tshirt I saw the other day "Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder"

Either way, beauty is subjective. So is attraction. So is everything else that comes along with dating.

Who is fat vs thin? 

Who is smart vs stupid?

Who is funny?

Who knows how to party?

All of these are subjective, especially when it comes to dating.

Women want a nicely sculpted man.

If you ask nearly any woman, a man with chiseled features, an inshape body, 6 pack of abs... is pretty darn sexy.

However, if you look at the guys that women build relationships with.. most of those aren't the guys that spend all their time at the gym.  Actually, some of them probably don't even see a gym on their way to get beer.

Because as superficial as we women can be.. when it comes to picking a mate.. we're more about the inside than we are about the outside.

That doesn't mean that a well sculpted male body won't turn our heads.. it just doesn't activate our hearts.

Just as being funny doesn't mean we'll want to be around you more than once, or that you can programme our computer means we'll want you to stick around. Even the life of the party has its flaws that will get us to boot you out.

If you can manage to have a well defined (not super human) body, and still be well-rounded, mentally stable, fun, intelligent, patient, and understanding.. You'll be the catch of the day.  But in the real world, no one body type is going to catch every woman.

For each person there is a different criteria, and different priorities.  There are too many variables.

Women Want A Nice Guy

Uh.. define nice.  I tackled this a few months ago, as I don't really believe in the "nice guy".  Its honestly one of the things that guys describe themselves as and I tune out.  I've gotten much more hurt (or just found them to be insane) by a self-proclaimed "nice guy" than I have by anyone else.

Most guys who claim to be nice.. in essence are ball-less bastards who make dating more confusing, more deceptive, and less "stable" than their brazenly evil counterparts. 

Women want a man who is nice to them. This means he doesn't keep things from her. He doesn't just let her run all over him. He is an entity of himself where she fits well with him. He is loyal, trusthworthy, honest, loving, and someone she can lean on... and honestly someone she can fight with without fear of bodily harm, and some hope of being heard.

Women Crave Stability

I'd say yes, yes, yes  we do.  However, we don't like to be bored to death.  While dating the proverbial accountant with decent $$ sounds promising, and there is a time in every woman's life where they consider snagging some boring rich bastard just for the security and stability..  There always comes a point where too much is enough.

We like waking up and knowing who is beside us. We like knowing that that person will choose to be with us day after day after day. We like having a life where we're not constantly wondering what terror tomorrow will bring.

However, we also like to grow, learn, experience.  So we like trying new things, or going new places, or throwing caution to the wind now and then.  We like a little bit of a challenge to keep us moving forward.

But we also only really feel confident to throw caution to the wind once we have a minimal level of stability under us. For every person this is different.  Some people feel great throwing caution to the wind with just a little bit... others need much much more.

More to the story..

And with every bit of evidence of proving or disproving Urban Dating Legends.. theres also more things to consider that can change anyone from a "YES" to a "Oh God No"..

Unmarried vs Divorced (Past History)

Republican vs Democrat (Politics)

Kids vs No Kids (Thoughts on Children)

Parenting Styles (Methods of Raising Children)

Vegan vs Meat Eater (Food)

Animal Lovers vs I hate your pets (Pets)

Age

Race

Cultural Conflicts

The list goes on.  So even if you do everything RIGHT... that particular relationship can be all sorts of WRONG for you. They may just realize this first, and may make it look like.. an Urban Legend.. when in reality they just can't handle watching you eat peas.

Dating A Parent

Dear Parents out there who are attempting to date single non-parents,

I just wanted to let you know that we all get that you have kids. You've let us know, and we're cool with it.  Some of us might absolutely love it. 

But what we don't want right now, especially before ever meeting your child, is the cutsie play by play of what adorable thing your child did just now or earlier. 

If its not something that will have everyone in the world rolling with laughter, such as your daughter just flipped off your boss by showing him her owie.. then we don't need to know and probably don't want to know.

We do want to know about you. So if your child is suffering from cancer, yeah we want to know because its going to affect you. If you spent the entire day at a theme park with your child and are exhausted, yeah we want to know. What we don't need to know about is the evenings you two spent building a tower only to knock it down, or the time you and your little girl washed each others hair and how you let her comb yours. Let alone a play by play of either of those events.

While those moments are precious, they're also private moments between the two of you. We're not a family yet, so please don't feed us these stories on an ongoing basis. It will either make us crazy to belong to the family, or make us feel like an outsider. Neither of which you want. Trust me.

What you do want, and what we want.. is to see if the two of us fit together. That requires getting to know you. Not just the parent you, but the you at work, the you at play, and just YOU.  Only once we've figured out if we're a good fit, are we even going to want to venture into your family.  And only if we're a good fit should you even let us.

So please.. stop texting me the play by play of how cute you are with your kid. 

Thanks,

Maruska

Combating The Friend Zone

I was talking to a twitter friend last night about the Friend Zone and how to combat it.

Every girl has different friend zones for guys.  Some friends are "gay friends" meaning they're good friends but they might as well be gay for all the interest she has in them.  Some friends are "hopeful friends" meaning friends that she'd consider dating if the time and circumstances were right (these friends she probably met either while she was dating someone else, or while they were dating someone else.)  There's different variations of these groupings and of course some girls have more groups, but basically it boils down to.. male friends that she'll never sleep with, and male friends that she might.

If you are in the "gay friends" category, you have absolutely no hope. Seriously. Don't try.  Guys in this category usually (unless they really are gay) don't get touched, and often are asked advice on things the girl would never ask anyone she wanted to sleep with. These guys get treated almost exactly like her girl-friends.

If you're in the "hopeful friends" category, you've got a chance. It might be a small chance, but a chance. If you're wanting to move things out of the Friend Zone.. please read the following warning.

WARNING: Moving Out Of The Friend Zone May Be Hazardous To Your Health (or at least the health of your relationship)

1. Moving out of the Friend Zone in most cases will end the friendship. Period. This is a chance you're going to have to take if you really want to date her.

2. You do not get to be pouty, annoyed, or hurt if she rejects you. You were her friend and she trusted you to be her friend and obey the friend rules.  She gets to be pissed and feel betrayed if you try to change the rules, you do not.  She has done nothing wrong, you have. Understand this before you make any kind of move.

3. Decide before you move on her if you want to save the relationship in the event she rejects your overtures of romance. If you want to save it, you must take her rejection like a man. Don't argue with her. Don't plead. Don't beg. Merely just say, Ok. Take a couple days of "space" to regroup then resume friendship as normal (no touching, no overtures of anything that isn't 100% platonic). You'll have to win back your trusted role of friend.

Now.. onto the juicy..

How to move out of the Friend Zone:

1. Before you even get started, you must make sure that she's available. Hitting on her while she's with someone, is just douchy. Exceptions to this would be if she's suddenly gotten engaged or is talking about moving in with him, where you feel like its your last chance to come clean. (In this latter instance, you'll not be able to save the friendship and you'll need to make a ballsy in her face "speech" about how you feel. This most times does not work, but I understand sometimes you just have to try.)

2. Take things slow. Small hints that you're more than friends.. such as small touches that aren't platonic in nature but not overtly sexual. Extended hugs. Talks with lots of eye contact, gazing into her eyes. Simple flirting. If she pulls away, bad sign (probably best if you just accept the friendship). If she doesn't, good sign. If she reciprocates, you're good.

3. Even if she reciprocates, moving from Friendship into Relationship is bumpy. Yes I said relationship. There is no casual sex here, you don't get to date around. The 99% of the time the choices will be.. Fuck-Buddy or exclusive Boyfriend. You've gotten to know her well already, she's gotten to know you. You've been in her inner circle. She trusts you. 

Now Fuck buddy might be confusing, because I said no casual sex.. but let me explain.. you might be her friend because she doesn't find you datable.  In which case, she may take you on as a sexual partner. You will still be required to be a friend, but she'll see other people. This usually ends the friendship quickly and there is usually no coming back from this. The sex is not casual because you're emotionally connected/invested.  If you go along with this option, especially if you wanted to date her, she'll lose all respect for you. Whipped.

Exclusive Boyfriend. You've been around. You're connected to her. You've learned a lot about her. If you do not want to become her exclusive boyfriend, just suck it up and be just friends with her. Trust me, if she wants to date you.. she'll expect you to be exclusive rather quickly. You've been given privilege to be her friend her confidant. She won't be giving that up just for a casual affair. You should know whether you want her or not, and she'll expect you to show it.


4. So you're still convinced you want to attempt date this girl?  Awesome! She's a lucky gal! If she's been giving you good signs, increase the frequency and intensity of your flirtation gradually until you're certain that she feels the same about you.  At this point, you have to do two things..

Kiss her. This is probably the best way to get your point across. Do not surprise her with this, but wait until it seems right.

Tell her how you feel, and what you want.. (aka to date her).

These two things do not have to be done in any order, but both are needed. If she rejects you on either one, please note "warning #2" and behave accordingly. Do not attempt both if she rejects you on one of them.  If she rejects the kiss, you may appologize and explain yourself but do not try to change her mind.

Do's and Don'ts of Splitting

So I ran across this blog article today, and it set me off.  It's all about the Do's and Don'ts of breaking up, by Cereal Daters

Which honestly, there are good ways and bad ways to break up. Ways to do it with the least damage to other person, and with the friendship you had somewhat still intact.

And it takes communication to do it.

This article, to me, is all that is wrong with breaking up... ok.. not all.. just some.

The article first states: "Don't Tell Him"- which I assume is don't tell him why you're splitting, because not telling him you're breaking up with him is just way too immature for words.

So let me address the "don't give him the reasons".. Depending on who you're dating, reasons may or may not be needed. Some people really need them for closure. Sure leave off the stupid stuff that you know is going to light a fire (aka he leaves the seat up, his hairy ass is disgusting, or whatever) but explaining that the relationship is no longer good for you.. isn't a bad idea. Whatever you do, make it clear that you're moving on. Period. But do try to be nice about it, this is someone you used to care for. Treat them accordingly.

Next "Do Tell Your Homegirls" -  Do tell your friends that you've split. Do not however bad mouth him to them unless you can back it up. Slander and rumors are never cool. Roasting him just because you no longer want to be his girlfriend/lover will only bite you in the ass later.. not to mention makes you look petty and bitter.

"Don't play mom" - A girlfriend should never ever play mother to a man. Sorry. However, if you've been together for a while, and he truly needs your help with something that only you can help with.. Help him out. If he's making crap up like he needs you to help him change his tire, give him the number to a towing company and be done with it.  But if you've been together for a while, and his mother tragically dies soon after you've broken up and he wants you there for moral support (and you knew his family).. then be there.. platonically. No snuggling. No kissy. No pookie/sweety. If he's throwing those kind of cards, walk out. You do need to stand your ground that its over.

"Don't hang on to any sentimental items" - You had good times. You had bad times. No one is 100% bad 100% of the time. You're going to have sentimental things. You're going to grieve for the loss of those good times. Throwing away anything that reminds you of those good times seems a little overkill, but having a housefull of momentos isn't healthy either. Pick a few good memories to keep if you'd like (especially anything of re-wearable value - aka jewelry) and pack them away some place that you'll see them much less.

"Don't convince yourself that you're over-reacting" - WTF? This process should already be hashed out prior to saying goodbye. You made a choice. Stick to it. Remember your reasons for splitting. Take notes. Learn from your mistakes so you don't do the same things in your next relationship.

"Do cut off all forms of communication" - Whoah dawgies. Do you seriously have some hate on for this guy? What did he do? Do not do this for most people that you break up with. This is only needed if the person is unhealthy to have in your life in any way.  Aka drug dealer, drug addict, bad alcoholic, criminal behavior, etc. or you're actually afraid for your life. (or in cases where the person has gone completely nutso and is now harassing and stalking you.)

Going this extreme with someone sane and loving, is a good way to get them to bad mouth you to everyone they know. Everyone they meet in the future... thats a lot of people. A lot of potential dates.  Its a small world out there. Watch out what bridges you're burning.

"Don't think its okay to hang around mutual friends" - Friends are important. They will pick which side they're on. Of course, you're not going to be able to tell these friends all the sordid details of your breakup, save that for your own friends.  But don't throw the mutual friends out yet.  Once the breakup is done, you may find they're just as fun as they ever were.

I do agree with her on her last statement though..

"Do be strong... this is always easier said than done."

My main advice for breaking up ... is simple.  Be nice. Be compassionate. Listen, but be unmovable. You've made up your mind. Stick to it. Wavering will only cause you and them much more heartbreak.

Opposite Sex Friendships

Dear R. Don Steele,

You are an ignorant ass. Sure sure, the affection mentioned in the letter between the girlfriend and her guy friend is a big red flag.

But to say point blank that guys and girls cannot be friends... Whoa Dawgies!

Please come out of the dark ages and join the rest of us in civilization.

To say that guys and girls cannot be friends.. is pretty much to also say that a gay guy and a straight man cannot be friends, a lesbian and a straight girl cannot be friends... actually you might as well as say lesbians cannot be friends, nor can homosexuals be friends with each other.

Its possible that you're too locked into your penis that you honestly believe that everyone else has such a huge urge to copulate that they'll jump anyone suitable for the task.

Or maybe its perhaps you find nothing valid in the opposite sex worth being friends with them. Are you secretly a misogynist?

Hope you have a good knuckle-dragging life,

Maruska

******

My response to that lovely letter would be...

Dear Richard,

You need to talk to her. Calmly. She's with you. She's chosen you. So if she's doing something questionable, you need to set the pattern now in your relationship that you two talk. Communication is key to any relationship.

She needs to know that his physical attention to her makes you uncomfortable, and makes you wonder about her fidelity. You want to trust her, but you're not used to this kind of friendship.

If she does not stop allowing this guy to cuddle with her in public, then you have your answer. If she's really with you, she'll work this out with you so you're both happy.

Do not however make her choose between a "long time friend" and you. He could be a FWB or just a good friend.. if you throw this card for jealousy reasons, she'll toss you to the curb no questions asked. As the saying goes, "Bros before Hoes", he's her bro, you're the ho.

If you want to make this relationship last, you are going to have to stick in there. Show her that you trust her and you're there for the long haul, but that she's yours and you want the world to have no questions about that.

Talk to her.

-Maruska

Defining Different

There's been a theme lately. I'm not sure how to process it, and I'm not sure how to write about it without some kind of backlash. But I'm going to try.

(sitting here thinking about how to start)
(20 minutes pass)
(still thinking)

I'm going to start at the beginning.. because its a very good place to start (channeling Sound Of Music).

When I was 18, I had my first almost-real boyfriend. He was gorgeous. Seriously gorgeous. We'd been going out in "secret" for about a month. Meeting in secret. Dating in secret.

Let me define secret. I hadn't left for college yet, so I was still under the rules of my parents at home. Which meant, no dating anyone they'd not met and approved of, no socializing in ways they did approve of.. aka I really wasn't allowed to go much of anywhere.

My friends however all knew about him. Come on, he was drop dead gorgeous and he passed them over for me.. In my town, I was considered fat and ugly. In other towns, I was gorgeous. So to land a gorgeous guy while out with my friends where the stories of my fabulousness were bound to make it back to my hometown.. Yeah, awesome!

My boyfriend lived in the next town "city" and was older... college age.. I think he was 22? I don't recall exactly. All I knew was that he was HOT. He was sweet. He treated me well. And he made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Not girl. Woman.

I finally talked him into going to my church with me to meet my parents. I didn't want to subject him to actually meet "meeting" my parents with a dinner, but to meet them in passing. If you ask my friends who have met my mother during my HS and College years, they will agree.. meeting my mother in passing was the only way to do things.

He came. I could have flown around the room. I was so happy. It was the first time ever that any boy I liked met my parents. I was nervous, but I was certain they would love him.

He was perfect. Despite being physically hot, he was smart, attentive, respectful. He was in the army and getting out soon. He had a plan for his life of what he wanted to do, and he was driven. He wasn't that spiritual, but enough that I was head over heels. I could not find any flaw in him that my parents would not have liked.

Normally if my parents saw me with some boy/girl/whomever that they didn't know, they'd have come over right away to find out who it was and assess if that person was worthy of being around me. When they saw me with JC, they didn't.

After church was over, JC wanted to flee. I begged him to stay. My parents wouldn't come over, and he didn't want to come over to them, but for me he agreed. My parents put on smiles and said a brief hello, then turned to others to talk.

I didn't understand it. JC went home, and I rode back to my town with my parents. In Silence. You could have cut the air with a knife. I could not have been more puzzled.

So I asked my parents, "What did you think of JC?"

Silence. They didn't even look at each other. Just Silence.

"I know you can hear me. What's wrong? What did you think of JC?"

They looked at each other. Then stared ahead at the road. Silence.

"You might as well just tell me. What did you think of JC?"

My mother looked at my father, "Well... He's black." with a tone that ends all conversation.

*insert headspin here*

I didn't even know that JC was black. Not that it probably would have mattered much. JC was light skinned and looked lightly tanned. I'd never seen him with more than his shirt off, so I had no way of knowing if it was just a tan or not.

My exposures to African-Americans, or blacks.. was pretty much limited to TV and the one black girl that used to live in town. She was dark black and sweet. Everyone loved her. Even my mother seemed to..

My parents never seemed to have problems associating with people of all kinds. All cultures, colors, whatever. They didn't socialize much, but growing up I never saw them talk differently to anyone. Sure sure they had ignorant biases against people they didn't know.. but nothing like the treatment they had of JC.

It was that night I learned. "All people are equal, unless they're going to be my son-in-law." I kept seeing him anyway until I left for college. Had he given me a choice, I'd still be with him.

Over the years, their biases and ignorance has played small parts in my life. Small parts because I realize them for what they are, and know that is not the kind of person who I want to be. (My best friend who is part Native American was told to her face that she was "One of THOSE people" by my mother. Which is why very few people ever meet my family.)

But dating outside of my race.. has been a theme lately. I expected it to be akin with dating someone from a different cultural background. Forgetting all that I learned with JC, and letting my parent's biases cloud my head.

Slowly, I'm realizing that people of differences can have a whole lot more in common than people of similarities. Its all in how you define different.

The last few crushes I've had lately.. have all been people of difference. To others they may look different.. but to me.. like JC, they simply just look perfect and I'm swooning.

Online Dating Profile: What Not To Do

Dating Profiles are probably one of the hardest and worst things to write. Partly because its text and personality does not always come across in text like you'd desire, and partly because everything you say can be interpreted a million different ways than how you intended.

For example.. this brilliant witty woman's profile:

My Self-Summary
Me: Silly, introspective, resilient, curious, spunky but not too Mary Tyler Moore-ish. (If you get that reference, you're both a) in my age range and b) a pop culture junkie like me), dedicated to achieving my goals. I'm outspoken when I need to be, but don't have to show up for every fight. I've left behind my ideas about puppy dogs and rainbows and all the ooey gooey things we grow up believing about love and commitment. It's hard and sometimes it's brutal. But I believe it's worth it. I don't seek perfection and hopefully you don't either.

If I didn't know this woman, I would seriously be turning the page after the first sentence. She makes herself sound way too old and out of date. Nobody really wants someone living in the past, and she starts way too early in her profile with what would be considered hobbies (pop-culture) making those hobbies sound like insane obsessions.

Then there's the "dedicated to achieving my goals" part which to most people means a workaholic and if you get in her way you'll get ran over.

The next few sentences squelch any romantic ideas and seem overly cynical. Come on.. who doesn't like puppy dogs now and then? Even if you don't believe that relationships are all roses, most people still have that dream that at least a few of the days of a relationship will have rainbows. Making fun of love doesn't usually get you any.

Her next section however looks great, but most people aren't going to read that far.

What I’m doing with my life
Making the most of it while pursuing a dream. I've worked hard the last few years and am now fortunate to have started a business that supports me while I get to indulge and pursue another dream of writing a book. No, not looking for a sugar daddy or a boy toy. I do just fine, thanks. I can pay my bills and have absolutely no problem treating you to dinner or paying for the tickets. It's not the money spent, but the consideration that counts. Helping me on with my coat is like two front row seats to a Broadway show. Holding a door for me is like an expensive dinner.

This is a healthy happy woman just looking for a good man. Excellent.

The rest of her profile is similarly awesome until you get to the end. She mentions correcting grammar (her own) but still she should leave that out. Nothing critical of self or anyone else should ever be in a profile.


And then lists 4 of her flaws which she calls "Challenges".. (which I'm told are not on her actual profile. PHEW)

1. My age. I don't lie about my age. So, just by being 40, my options are naturally limited. My preferred age range is 38-48. I don't email anyone younger than 42 unless their profile states they already have kids or are a "maybe" on wanting kids.
2. I'm attractive but not objectively so. On a scale of 1-10, I'd say I'm about a 6/6.5. So, while some men might find me attractive, most are holding out for "better."
3. My body. Listen, I look much better than I did two years ago. But I'm still not the "ideal" size or weight.
4. My email replies. To be honest, so many of these guys either say the same exact thing in their profiles or say obscure stuff or nothing at all. I have no idea what to say to most of them that doesn't sound like I;m trying to hard or over-selling myself.


If she feels its a problem to have age restrictions or kids restrictions, she may want to add:

"Please feel free to message me if you're interested. I prefer men within the age range of 38-48. I'm not interested in having kids myself, but do not mind if you have kids of your own."

Just as a disclaimer to help her from getting bogged down with too many useless emails.

Btw if you go to the link backs, and see her photos.. the woman is gorgeous. Seriously girl.. You're awesome. Not only should Men should know that, but you should too. You're smoking, and there is no need to apologize for it. Everyone always has a list of improvements they'd like to make, but trust me.. you're hot.

Dating Psychology 101

Last thursday night I of course went again to my "Flirting" group. Being that it was the thursday before Halloween, people obviously had better things to do and the group had a small turn out.

So we did something a little different. We talked.

The organizer handed out small pieces of paper for us to write questions that we wanted to ask of the group/opposite sex/whatever.

He then shuffled the papers and read the questions and we discussed it.

Sounds boring huh? It actually was a lot of fun and a little surprising.

Here were the results...

Attraction: Oddly enough both sexes agreed on what is attractive and what makes us want to be around, talk to, or let people into our lives.. And yes EVERYONE had the same answer independent of peer pressure.. there wasn't any peer pressure on this.. Trust me.

I actually asked the question because I was curious what the guys would come up with for an answer. I actually expected to hear "beautiful face" or "good body" or "dresses nice" or something.. Instead I got the following..

1. Smiling. (not just your mouth but with your eyes)

2. Friendly looking - see #1.

3. Looks like their having fun. #1 plus maybe a genuine laugh now and then.

4. Eye contact - if you can catch their eye, or get their attention.

Basically it boiled down to... fun and approachable... Doing your own thing and happy with it.. Not dependent on others to make you happy.

While looking nice, and being beautiful can help, its not the end all be all, and actually a very little part of it. Sure it catches their attention at first, but if the above "rules" aren't there most people will move on to someone else.

We also talked about bad boys and nice guys.. And somewhere in there I had a moment of brilliance.

Most people trust people with boundaries. We like boundaries. We like knowing how far we can push things to get a desired result. It helps us feel safe in the relationship with someone if we can trust them to let us know when we've crossed the line. We tend not to like total doormats.

We also like to know that we're special. We don't feel special if someone is just as nice to us as they are to everyone else. We want that "inner circle" feeling. We want inside the boundary so to speak.

One of my exes.. well to shorten the story lets just say he's an ex rather than getting into the whole drama of our friendship/attraction/fling/misunderstanding/friends thing... So anyway, this ex is the epitome of boundaries.

When I first heard of him through friends of friends of friends, I learned that he was a notorious asshole. (I know I know.. so sexy) And that he was extremely selective in who he hung around. (OMG Challenge.. drool) No one could tell me why he was the way he was or any keys to getting close to him, but since nearly all my friends were acquaintances of his, I assumed that I'd be a shoe in.

Uh.. not so much. When I first met him, I walked up to him while he was talking with some of my friends. I went to say "Hi, I'm Maruska", and he turned to someone else, raised his hand, and waved me off... like "Shoo fly you bother me".

I was taken aback and immediately thought "OH NO He didn't!"

He is not a sexy man physically. He doesn't have that handsome face. He doesn't have an athletic body. He actually would be adequately described as an uber-geeky skinny assed homely guy. Guy. I very much doubt anyone would take one look at him and say "Oh there goes a man" unless they were merely referring to the fact that he's male. Most people actually do not notice him.

But I was riveted. At first, because no one that uneventful had ever brushed me off. And secondly, because he was an extremely intelligent witty guy.

I set out to get to know him. Once I got home from meeting him the first time, I made notes to pester him every time he got online. My first message to him was "It was really nice meeting you. You really are the asshole they promised."

He didn't reply. He thought I was just a silly frivolous girl, and not worth wasting his time.

I set out to prove him wrong or at least pester the crap out of him until he actually did reply. I was told by all our mutual friends not to go this course of action, but I figured he already hated me, I'd just give him good reason.

Anyway one thing lead to another and my intelligence and wit and persistence won him over. By the next time we met, we were inseparable. I was one of, if not the queen-bee of his circle (our circle). We'd actually gone through so much "honesty" with each other that I could say things to him that most of the other girls in our circles would not even dare. I was special, and I loved him for it.

Now that said, not everyone should have this extreme boundary setup as a goal. Boundaries actually shouldn't be a goal.

As much as having boundaries and standing up for them breeds trust, respect, and a feeling of safety... faking boundaries is detrimental.

In the group discussion, we discussed what was our big "deal breaker" and every one of us also agreed on this..

Deception - Lying

There are many ways to deceive, and some can come back and bite you in the butt big time.

Lying about your natural haircolor? Not so much a big deal. Lying about your financial status, your real appearance, or that you smoke.. are often deal breakers. People that would have given you a chance had you been honest, no longer will have anything to do with you.

Lying gets you nowhere in a relationship.

Thus the same for boundaries. You can't make up boundaries. You have to really have them.. .you have to own your boundaries.

Making up a boundary in order to appear more trust worthy will eventually backfire. The minute that the person finds out that you made up some arbitrary boundary.. they will no longer respect any of your boundaries.. How are they to know which ones are real?

This is the key behind many women's interest in bad over nice. Most bad boys have boundaries and they're not afraid to let you know them. They're confident and secure enough in themselves to only be around people who can handle their boundaries. (Or at the very least, while they may not be inner confident, they've gotten boundaries to limit their lives to people they actually like). While a lot of these guys tend to be jerks, we at least usually know where we stand.

Most nice guys however will ignore their normal boundaries to be nice.. in an effort to be accommodating, not understanding that this is most of the reason they finish last. Btw Mr Nice Guy... its also deceptive practices to pretend to not have a boundary when you actually do.. we women don't like that deception.. we wonder what else you're lying about or not telling us. While some of these guys are actually as nice as they seem, we're often left wondering where that line is and if they'd actually tell us if we crossed it.

There actually is a third group of guys.. and these are the keepers. These are the nice guys with boundaries. These are well adjusted guys who know what they can and cannot handle and are ok with expressing it. Some of these guys are the strong leaders you see, very in control, commanding but full of charm. A few are also just very agreeable guys more than willing to go with the flow, but speak out once things get close to their boundary. These guys are often perceived as honest and stand-up guys, and 99% of them are married already or dedicated bachelors.

Or at least thats my thoughts... :)

Its All In Who You Know

After a long week of driving myself insane, Friday night I needed to relax. However, I'd also finally gotten an invite to the Partymeister's weekly Friday Night Happy Hour.

The Partymeister is a 40ish good looking man who is always the life of the party and always knows where all the great parties are. The Partymeister also knows quite a few good looking 30's 40's single men in Austin. So knowing the Partymeister and attending his events is an excellent way to network and meet eligible bachelors. He also is very zen and relaxed, so even if you don't meet anyone the company is still worth it.

So even though I wanted to sit at home with my Netflix, I dragged my lazy butt out to a bar. It was a pretty chill night, and it was a relatively small group. We started off at a divey-bar/restaurant.. then headed off to a really divey bar.

But I did manage to get my flirt on. (Don't I always?)

In my circle of people, there are a few outliers. I know who they are. They know most of the people I know. But I myself only see them rarely. This pretty much made up the entire group of people at the Happy Hour. It was interesting.

I made a new girly friend, and I re-met a guy.

This guy I've re-met about 5-6 times now. The first 4 or so times he never remembered meeting me. I'd try to go talk to him and he'd move before I got to him or he'd turn away to talk to someone on the other side of him.

So the last time (the time before last Friday) I "met" him, I made sure to make a lasting impression. I was no longer trying to "win" him over, and for some reason that time he talked to me. When I'd mentioned that we'd met previously, he looked at me with severe disbelief. A look that said "There is no way that I would not remember meeting you!" I very matter of factly said that we had met and that he consistently forgot me. I was being polite but bitchy.

It is THAT that he remembers me. I must have made an impression, because on Friday he knew exactly who I was even though it had been months since we'd last met. He even reminded me that I yelled at him, and he apologized for forgetting me, making sure I knew that he'd remembered me this time. It was honestly quite cute.

When the Partymeister overheard our conversation, he was aghast. I don't think he's ever heard me say a bad word to anyone, let alone his bar-buddy Don. Don is known all over everywhere as being a completely nice guy. So to yell at him is something akin to beating a teddy bear.

So I turned to Partymeister to defend myself.

"I'm sorry but he totally deserved it. He met me like 5 times before and still acted each time like it was the first." I of course smiled my mischievous innocent naughty girl smile, and he started laughing.

"Don... How possible is it that you were too drunk to remember?"

Don then laughed and said, "Yeah thats probably it."

I maintained that I was more than memorable no matter how much drink someone has had, and that Don was not that drunk. We agreed to disagree, but Don remembers me now... so I win!

Don and I talked a little that night one on one, but in such a small group is difficult and rather rude (unless you want to be jibed for 'dating') to separate from the group.

As a group though, we got on the topic of being single. The men all happily exclaimed that it was a great time to be single, especially for men in Austin. Evidently its a 2-1 ratio or something. However, supposedly (according to these same male sources) Austin, Texas has one of the highest singles rates in the USA, or one of the largest pockets of single men to choose from. So they assured me that it was a great time to be single in Austin even for a woman. PHEW! :)

The group broke up after the second bar. A few wanted to go downtown (additional parking costs) and a few of us wanted to find some food. Don, I, and my new girly friend all went for food.

We chatted about this and that, but as soon Denise left the table, Don would start asking me about my ex-husband, and telling me about his divorce. He wanted to know how long I'd been divorced, what stage of recovery I was in.. etc. As soon as Denise returned, we'd switch the subject.

Soon we began talking about phones. Denise, being a college student and poor, could not afford her bill and had hers shut off. (she now has it back on btw) Don however took the topic and ran. He pulled out his phone, clicked on it a couple times, looked at me and said:

"What's your number?"

Don is cute. He's not overly tall but he's not short either. He's smart, educated, and sweet. And he looks like one of the Baldwin brothers.

So of course I gave him my number. When I got home, he'd added me on Facebook as well. He's supposed to be at another Happy Hour tomorrow night, so we'll see how things go.

Are You Interested?

It's come to my attention that I may have to stop being quite so laid back about dating if I want things to work out. Now after every date, I think I'm going to ask them...

"So, Are you interested?"

I've been chatting with this guy whom I could not figure out. We'd met through "Sugardaddy.com" even though I'm not into what most men there are seeking. Which we discussed in detail our first conversation a couple weeks ago. He said that he wanted to find a relationship as well, with kids and marriage and the whole shebang. It was a good conversation.

Then the next few nights after that first conversation, he'd say "Hi" or send me a "lick" on the website and then get busy with a "phone call" or something and not come back. He'd ask how my day was, I'd ask how his was. We'd both answer and the conversation would die.

I assumed he wasn't interested. I vowed to myself after my ex (who took the backseat in the entire relationship) that I wasn't going to be in another relationship where the guy wasn't head over heels. So if I read him as not interested, I move on... quickly.

So come this past monday, he began re-asking me questions that we'd already discussed our first conversation. I blew my top. It'd barely been a couple weeks and he already forgot what we'd agreed to? Red alarm bells went off in my head. He can't be that into you if he's already forgetting the entire premise of the relationship.

I can't remember now what I'd said, but he knew I was pissed. But I do remember telling him that he didn't seem very interested.

To which, he blew his top. He thought I wasn't interested, but he'd been messaging me every time he saw me online.

*sigh* Communication Fail.

So we're to go out on Sunday.

Then last night, I get a message from Mr Hottub (also known as Mr One-Arm Hug). If you remember way back about the guy I posted about who I swore was not interested, but wanted our second date to be in a hot tub.

Mr H. "Haven't talked to you in awhile. So I'm not meeting too many people on this site. What was the name of that other site you were telling me about? I forgot:)"

I was shocked. He remembered our conversation enough to look me up a month later to ask me about a dating site? But doesn't remember me enough to actually contact me to set up that hot tub date? (which I never heard from him on it) I don't know why this week that I've suddenly grown balls and am telling people off.. but I am.

ME "Seriously? Is this how you're telling me you're not interested?"

Mr. H "what do you mean - I thought you were cute but not interested in me.

You told me about this other site - just wondering what it was. :)"

ME "uh... you ended our "date" with a one arm hug, and the next date you wanted to get together in a hot tub (which doesn't say interested says "you're good for sex"). Then you disappear. So I assume you're really not interested.

As for other sites, they're all lame."

I figured at this point there wasn't much he could come back with. I was all "Take that you ass."

Mr. H "If I wanted sex I would go out and look for a one night stand. But I'm not like that. I thought a hot tub sounded fun! Sorry to piss ya off :("

Damn... he has a point. Maybe he really is just dating etiquette stupid.

ME "ok. hot tubs might be fun, but not so early. I kinda liked you, but figured you weren't interested.. so was a little hurt that you asked for a dating site from me.

You were probably referring to "plentyoffish.com" but its really lame. Either that or Match.com"

Mr. H "if you say it sucks I won't bother. Maybe we could get together sometime next week. Going to Houston this weekend."

ME "Sure.. gimme a jingle or drop me a note when you get back. Have fun in Houston."

Mr. H "what number can I reach you at? I lost it :("

At this point, I'm pretty sure I was right that he's not interested. But I've gone this far, might as well see what comes to play next week.

ME: "Lost it? This is not boding well for you. :) (my phone number)"

So now I'm wondering a bit how many dates I've screwed up because I was too aloof or distant. How many of the men that I liked actually thought I was the uninterested party?

I hate self-doubt. So maybe from now on I'm just going to ask point blank, "Are you freaking interested or not?"

Red Flags

Sally and I sat down one evening, bored and discouraged from attempting to date, and started talking about "red flags" when a guy is talking to us.

Here are a few "no-no's" we came up with... (guys if you're reading this, avoid these at all costs.. trust me, you'll thank me later.)

"I'm a nice guy" - For years this has been a huge red flag. Why is he telling me he's a nice guy? Does he think I can't tell that? So is he calling me stupid? Or is he being defensive because women in the past have called him an asshole? If he's an asshole, then he could be just trying to get me to trust him so he can get in my pants. Or maybe he's a nice guy and whining because he never gets any, is he a loser?

- Guys you really don't want to start this debate in a woman's head. It will always end up badly. The biggest turn off by saying this is that it's a form of bragging, and bragging generally signifies a lack of self-confidence. If you're really a nice guy, we'll see it. If you're not a nice guy, we'll figure that out as well. Actions + Words = Truth

"No Drama" - actually this is a red flag for relations with women and men. Generally those that say "No Drama" or "Drama-free" are either drama-magnents, or drama queens themselves. While drama queens work til they cause drama, drama magnets seem to attract and enable drama queens. Either way, having these people in your life is sure to cause an increase in drama.

"Picture Quality" - (online dating) If you the picture you send us or post looks like something I'd find in a picture frame, chances are pretty good you're fake. Well you're either fake, way too picky (thus single), or a player... or sometimes all three. So we're not interested. If you really are that hot, take a few lower quality pictures to prove it. If your picture looks like you just got out of bed, high as a kite, or just back from a night of binge drinking.. we're not going to be interested. We assume that your picture is you putting your best foot forward. If your best foot is something that the cat dragged home, you should plan on being celibate.

Ok.. thats enough for now.. Enjoy!