No Relationship & You Can't Make Me

Luke & I talked last night. Well he messaged me. I replied.

My anxiety about him wanting to date increased every time I thought of him. I am no where near that yet, not with him, not with anyone. Especially not with him actually.

I keep thinking that I might be, or that I want to be, then I start thinking about all the complications. Seat up, Seat Down, Dish washing methodology, Laundry methodology, How clean to keep the house, How dirty to keep the house, Moving (Luke has already stated I'd have to move to where he is - panic), Giving up things, Compromises... the list goes on.. and I start having trouble breathing or thinking straight. All I want to do is RUN!

But how do you say that to a guy without sounding like a complete lunatic?

I did my best..

L - "Just saying hi. Haven't heard from ya"

(our last conversation was 48 hours ago, and I started to feel pressured, but I pretended to be ok)

M - "Oh was I supposed to keep in touch? Hi!" 

L - "Well ya if you wanted to... guess you don't :)"  

(is it just me or did that come off as passive-aggressive? Insert more anxiety for me)

M - "Are you playing games? Testing me?"  

(seriously we just started talking again, and in 48 hours you're all this??)

L - "Testing you? Not that I'm aware of. Suppose if I did you failed :)"

M - "I'm f'n with ya :) I fail a lot btw mostly intentionally. I'm a rebel like that"

(I cover well don't I?)

He then goes into blah blah boring stuff (to you all) about his work and asks about my day (more boring stuff), then this..

L - "Was thinking about ya last night"

M - "Uh oh"

L - "Ya.. I'll not give you the details but it was highly pornographic.. I know you're less then interested. But I figured I would tell ya"

(Am I making shit up, or is this passive aggressive crapola again? No where did I say I wasn't interested, just that it was too soon to "date" - my anxiety went all sorts of haywire)

M - "Less than interested? What in the world was I doing?" 

(I can handle filthy talk, just not relationship talk. Please take the hint)

L - "No I meant you less than interested in me being pervy with you"

(again, where in the hell did I say this? Now I'm angry with anxiety. Yay me)

M - "Uh huh I know what you meant. I was ignoring your attempt at putting words in my mouth"

M - "So what did I do?"

L - "Its not what you did exactly... its more of what I was doing to you :) you know you make it hard to flirt with you"

M - "I try :) So what were you doing then?"

He dodges the question nicely by telling me how sexy I was in a corset and that I looked good from all sorts of positions. He refused to give details. Asshole. :)

M - "Well that was very anti-climatic :P"

L - "lol not for you it wasn't.. repeatedly I might say"

(I got a chuckle out of that I must say)

He then mentioned that I was jaded..

M - " :P Yes I'm very jaded :)"

L - "Lol I think you need to let go of the jaded or this may be really hard :)"

(If I could just "get over it" like that I would. I've got damage. Sue me.)

M - "I thought hard was your thing"

L - "lol You know what I mean"

M - "Nope, no idea :)"

L - "So is this just you playing hard to get? :)"

(insert panic)

M - "Nope. Not playing anything. Just livin"

L - "Well its certainly hard to tell if you're interested or not"

(insert freakout and trying to breathe, so I decide to be honest and try to phrase it right)

M - "Maybe that's cuz I'm not as far along the road as you are. You seem impatient for me to say I'm interested which is making me feel more like retreating than moving forward"

M - "I'm just getting used to talking to you again"

M - "Trying to enjoy that without the "where's this going" mentality"

(Huge weight off my shoulders, then I panic about him possibly being insulted, then I relax as I remind myself if he gets insulted thats his issue and he can f'off)

L - "Well at least you told me how you feel. Exactly what I needed from you."

I honestly have no idea what that means, but I think things are fine as his next few messages were about the cutsie things his 2 yr old was doing.  It was a very boring play by play of bathing and playing with dolls which bored even me.

The conversation ended with me telling him to go have fun with his daughter.

The Last Stand

It's my personal thing that everything always happens on the same day. I can go weeks without anything eventful, but it always seems that once one thing happens.. other things just chime right in.

Yesterday, I decided to text Mac back. I'd left him "hanging" and because I figured it couldn't hurt... and that I'd follow the advice of my male friends (all of them are seriously his advocates) and give him a chance.

I'm almost 100% sure that Mac isn't into me for dating.  I may be a sex buddy option, or someone he's got as a backup plan... but I'm pretty certain that he's not into actually dating me.

Me: "Hope you're having a good week. :)"

Him: "Fanks. I am. Getting ready for a mardi gras party. Tried to rent a zoot suit but didn't work out."

Him: "How's your week?"

Me: "No zoot suit? Darn I'd have had to come by & take pics of that."

Me: "My week is going. Possibly getting sick, but hoping its just allergies. Cross your fingers."

Him: "I'm going to wear a black suit, suspenders, black shirt, tie, and phantom mask."

Me: "Now that sounds hot."

Him: "If only a hot guy was in that outfit, it would be."  (Seriously begging for compliments? I decide to give him one.)

Me: "Oh? Who's wearing it? I swear you said you were."

Him: "Exactly"

Me: "Then a hot guy is wearing it. Do you need glasses?" (Just so everyone is clear, this was my gauntlet and its been thrown. Your move buddy)

(The above went on without any interuption or pausing... then there's a 20 minute lull. I don't know if he was stumped by the "hot" reference or he went to the toilet.. )

Him: "Naw that would make me dorkier."

Me: "You're a dork? Hmm totally missed that somewhere. Are you sure?" (Seriously? still begging for compliments? I'm wanting to just walk away at this point. I don't.)

Him: "Yep. A computer nerd too."

Me: "Then where are your glasses and pocket protectors?"

Him: "New age nerd."  (I'm not sure what New Age has to do with nerds, but ok)

Me: "I may need new glasses as well. I can't believe I was under the impression that you were hot."

Him: "Lenscrafters have an office near you?"

Me: "Yep. Thats where I got my last pair. Total nerd glasses. Black frames n all."

Him: "LOL"

Anyway, ball is solidly in his court. Any naysayers that thought "Are you sure he knows you like him?" should be fully satisfied now.  I'm just not waiting around on him. Relatively sure I'll not hear from him unless he wants a booty call or his ego fluffed. Not into either option.

*****

Then I head to Austin's Social Media Club event.  I'd RSVP'd weeks ago and it was a little late to back out.. plus I really should get out and network.. So I went.

I get there.. make my name tag.. and my phone rings.

Its Mich. My friend that kinda gave me signals that it may or may not be just friends? He invites me to attend a dinner party his friend is hosting.

Now Mich has invited me to many things before, even when he was dating someone else. So this is NOT a sign that he wants to be more than friends.. or not clearly one anyway.  It could be excruciatingly boring or a fantastic evening.  I told him I'd go, so we'll see how things unfold.  He's leaving in a week and will be gone for year, so I'm not putting any hope in the long term. 

Then the meeting starts. Btw, the Austin Social Media club is full of hot men. Of course, half or more of them are married, but eye candy baby!

It was a great time really, and I'm going to try to pull myself off the couch more often to attend these functions.  Maybe one of these days, I'll meet a tech-savvy sexy single man at one.

Making Sense Of Mac

So.. I should update you on my dating life... or what there is of it.

I'd been toying with the idea of online stalking Mac, and contacting him. I don't normally (well anymore) contact men first. In the past, its always backfired on me.

But Mac is hot, and we had a really great time talking the other night at the bar.. and I got a little hopeful that he was at least interested as friends.

So, Saturday, I'm reading some blogs and run across @SingleCityGuy's blog post about contacting men first.. don't be shy.. kind of advice.

I figure What the hell.  If he's interested .. great. If he's not, then I'll just move on. Easy peasy.

So I hunt down Mac online via the website my group uses. I have a little game of hunting because I only know his first name and I spell it wrong.

I finally locate him and shoot him a short note playfully calling him evil for getting me stuck on an iPhone game he recommended the other night.

He replies almost instantly (within an hour). I'm excited. This is a good sign, right?

Then I start reading his email:

"That is funny.  So, I am guessing that you now have my email from me responding to this"

At this point my heart hit the floor. I thought he was saying that he was reluctant to give me his email, but did because thats the way the site works if you hit reply. Then I continued reading.

"and my number is xxx-xxx-xxxx for texting emergencies or comedy.

All is well with me.  How are things with you?"

Wait... he gave me his phone number? Unprompted?

Was now gasping for air and watching the world spin as I tried to make sense of it. This was unprecedented. I had no idea how to proceed.

So I replied saying how I was, and gave him my number.

Two minutes later I get a text message from him

"Tag You're It"

I laughed. a lot. loudly.

I texted something humorous back and we began chatting (texting).

At one point the conversation on his end just stopped. In my wonderful way of freaking out.. and it doesn't help that I honestly think he's out of my league... I texted him a joke about me being a conversation killer, which read in the right tone (the tone in my head) was paranoid and pathetic.

He'd gone to cook dinner as he had to work that night. (a part time job he hates but took to pass the time)  I felt like a moron, so I waited to reply.

We chatted a little more.

Sunday, no word. I wondered if he'd take initiative. So I didn't bother messaging him.

Monday.. daylight came and went.. Nothing from him. Great. So I decided to message him and see what happened.

So I texted him a benign "How was your weekend?"

He replies right away and we do the "How are you" required chatting. He tells me about things he's doing unprompted. Sharing bits about himself.

Its then I realize why I'm so comfortable with Mac. He's open and honest. After years of enduring my ex who was withholding in every area, and even from the beginning made me pry to get anything out of him.. Mac is easy. I'm not left guessing much of anything.. (well except maybe where this is all going, but neither of us has the answer to that yet I don't think.)

****

Actually, there's a story from the last time we'd met that I'd left out accidentally. Getty had asked him about his watch. Its a sexy manly watch. It looks military and since he's ex-military, it fits him well. He took off his watch casually and handed it to us to look at.  We were examining it and I got the bright idea to try it on.

I turned my back to him slightly so I could hide the fact that I was trying it on. I'm self-conscious about my body in certain aspects, and its been a problem with some men I've dated. I am not a weak woman. It actually infuriated my ex that I was for the most part stronger than him (probably he felt emasculated, but I can't act weak all the time and I shouldn't have to).  Anyway, so I have big wrists.. I have big hands and fingers too for a girl.. so I wanted to try on his watch to see how much slack was in it.  Aka were his wrists bigger than mine.

There was no slack. It fit perfectly. I was horrified. I tried to get it off, but I couldn't. The latch wouldn't budge.

Mac joked "Am I going to get my watch back? Are you two trying to steal my watch?"

I tried again for the clasp. Nothing. The watch was stuck. I was sure there was some way to get it off, but I didn't dare keep his watch any longer to try to figure it out.

So I plopped my wrist enslaved in his watch down on the table before him. I am relatively sure I was beet red, and whimpered defeatedly.

"I'm sorry, I can't get it off."

I barely saw him touch the watch. The clasp released, and he had the watch off in seconds.  I was mortified and felt like an idiot. He was smiling.

****

So back to our texting. Up until now, all our texting could be "friendly." I had no idea until last night where he possibly stood on the issue.  I knew he was new to town, so maybe he was just desperate for a friend.

Then he asks: "So what do you do for fun besides play on the iPhone and brush off online stalkers?"

"The normal stuff. Make fun of fellow bowlers, Try to steal people's watches."

He laughed, and I replied with a real answer.. listing a bunch of "date" type stuff that I like to do.  Not that it matters, I'm pretty sure Mac could make anything fun.

He replies with "Me? Movies (out and in), hike, work, read, sex, nap, and all of those you said."

... wait.. did I read that right.. he put in sex? Normally alarm bells would be going off in my head that he just wanted a quick lay, but I'm trusting my impression of him that if thats what he wanted.. he could get it anywhere anytime from any random girl. But I'm pretty certain that the fact he put it in the list, is a good sign he wants to be more than friends.

So I reply "Oh I left off the reading and napping and sex. *sigh* Obviously you're much more in touch with the fun stuff."

Mac - "Ha ha. Your sarcasm is noticed. lol."

Me - "Sarcasm? No no. Really. At least two of those are much more fun than my list."

Mac - "Reading and Napping?"

Me - "Yes exactly. How'd you know? lol"

Mac - "Lucky Guess"

Me - ":)"

Mac - "I don't really like sex. Maybe because of all the laughing that takes place."

Mac - "Lmao"

Me - "Lmao. Lots of laughing during sex? That's either the best sex or the worst sex in the world. Guess it depends if both are laughing or just one."

Mac - "I am impressed that you had a response for that one"

I am not easily stumped. I can usually find a witty retort.. online or text anyway... real life interaction I'm much less skilled.. 

We chatted for quite a while longer.. talking about this or that.

But I'm hopeful. Hope is nice. I am hoping though that he's not just out for some casual sex encounter or F-buddy. Imma gunna get hurt if thats the case.