Just Friends Confusion

I've been keeping something from you, and I should tell you so the rest of this post makes sense.

About a week ago, I went to Wurstfest. It was my last real social engagement and an extreme social engagement. I went to Wurstfest with a group I co-organize, and most everyone who said they'd be there.. weren't. It actually started out as me plus two guys from the Tues. night of "Where Does The Time Go?", my co-organizer and Mr. NoShower. It ended with adding another girl, who was fun, cute, and well.. awesome.

Mr. NoShower actually showed up with a very nice new haircut, and he looked like he might have showered. He actually looked quite handsome... unless you looked too close to see his shirt was obviously picked up off the floor and his jeans were out of the dirty clothes hamper - the bottoms of the jeans were caked with dried mud and it had been a little dry out recently. Totally a nice guy and could be fucking hot as hell.. if only he'd invest more into hygiene. I actually rode with him in his car to Wurstfest.. it was cleaned out somewhat, but covered in dog hair and smelled like rotten milk. I was a little scared to touch anything as I could see drool stains or spilled something everywhere. I imagine his apartment is roughly the same cleanliness.

But I digress.. So the four of us ran around Wurstfest together, and I imagine that we looked like we were on a double date. I actually didn't think about how it looked because I hadn't yet seen anyone I knew. Then I ran into Don.

I ran into Don.. and Stephie. Don and a very good looking blonde chick totally unlike his other ex that I knew. They were chummy, and she was nice and secure meeting me. Aka I wasn't a threat. So I assumed they were on a date, and I was extremely gracious back pretending that I wasn't upset by it at all. (I really have no reason to be as I have no idea what Don and I are.. or aren't.) I was hurt. Hurt all of my own making, and took it as a sign that Don and I were friends. Thats it.. just friends, and I prepared myself to be ok with it.

Don saw the group that I was with, and I swore that I'd told him before that I was going that day with my group, so while he saw who I was with, it didn't dawn on me that he'd think I was on a date. I didn't even bother introducing him to anyone. I actually just wanted to get away from him and his Stephie.

(Btw the two guys I was with, started out the day with telling me "Btw, if anyone asks you're our sister. ok sis?".. and periodically I was called "Hey sis" throughout the day as joke and was expected to answer.. my answer usually involved my middle finger and a very porno-slut sounding call of "Hey bro". I am a very good wingman there is no need to lie, asshole. :) )

******

Ok, so now we get to Saturday nights party at the Partymeister's home. It was Tequila night. You could either bring Tequila (uh me + tequila = bad bad bad in a bad way) or food. I don't get much chance to cook for people anymore, so I thought.. food!!

Friday night I picked up some stuff to make food.. and tried to think of something I could make, that would be presentable. With my food allergies, I knew I'd only be able to eat what I'd made/brought at the party.. so more reasons to bring food.

I spent Saturday morning debating between making a beef pot pie or chili, and since I didn't want to run to the store for more potatoes, I settled on chili. I also have a Thanksgiving potluck coming up, so I decided to try my hand at something to take to it. Apple Pie, which I have never attempted to make. So in my inexperience, I ended up with way too much stuff for one pie, and ended up making two. One pie, I might could get down eventually. Two, never.

So I went to the party with two pies, chili and some vodka for me.

Don was there. He also had made chili. He made spicy chili and honestly it looked good. I took notes on how to improve my chili for next time. I had too much tomato, and not enough spice. He however had beans in his, and thats a no-go for me.

Anyway, I fixed my drink and went out to the patio where everyone was seated. I ended up sitting next to Don, which previously I would have plotted to sit next to him, but this time it was the only seat and I reluctantly sat.

He then turned to me and asked about Wurstfest. Did I have a good time? Yes.

We talked a bit about the Wurstfest food, and then I asked if he'd had a good time with... I pretended to forget her name. He said he had and quickly added that she was his friend that he'd mentioned the last time we'd talked. His ex that was an old childhood friend and a friend of the family. They had a lot of history together, and just could not make a relationship work, but they were too close not to try to be friends. I could not help it but I'm pretty sure my face lighted up like a Christmas tree. So much for being subtle. lol

He then asked about the people I was with if I'd had fun with them. His question was very much a polite question of "who were they", without directly asking it. I told him we'd had fun, but since we all didn't know each other very well, it was much less fun than it could be. It was then his face showed the light bulb, and realized it was a group thing.. not a date thing.

Don did his talking to everyone and mingling thing.. I did mine. Often we found ourselves talking to the same people at the same time. Only a few times, did we end up talking one on one, and those times were short and interrupted by one or more of our friends.

It was getting late, and I was getting tired. Don had just hit on a girl that ... well she's smart, witty.. more fun than me (I promise, I know her) and pretty in that real beauty way.. not in that supermodel way. I overheard him say that he would call her tomorrow so she'd have his number. (She hadn't brought her phone with her, I knew because I'd gotten her number earlier because we've plans to go out dancing some night soon.) The party was winding down, and everyone else I found interesting had left. And watching Don flirt with someone that I honestly would set him up with as a wingman... yeah it was time to go home.

So I began to pack up my things. Don saw and came over.

"Are you leaving?"

"Yeah, I'm getting tired and I have to drive home."

"You want help carrying this out to your car?"

This stumped me. I did not need help carrying it out to my car. It was a safe neighborhood. I didn't need an escort. I also am not the kind of girl that usually plays "weak" or asks for help ever. This is something that my ex-therapist, and ex-bf's always thought I needed to work on. I do need to work on it. Accepting help of any kind is extremely hard for me.

I thought about it quickly as well.. Is he asking to walk me to my car for another reason? Is he just being nice? I figured I wouldn't know the answer if didn't say yes.

"I'm sure I could handle it, but if you'd like to carry it, that would be nice."

There.. he has an out if he wants one, but he didn't take it. He said he'd carry it out. He even asked if I wanted to take a moment to say bye to everyone. Nice, considerate, helpful.. and I'm not supposed to swoon?

I said my goodbyes, and we started to head out. Then one of the drunk girls grabbed Don's arm and told him he couldn't leave. She was all sorts of grabby drunk. I don't know if Don was enjoying it or not, but oh hell no he wasn't going to get to ditch me for some drunk chick. He could come back to the party and do that where I won't have to see it.

He tried to extract himself from her, but she wasn't having it. I grabbed his other arm and pulled him from her.

"He's just helping me to my car. You can have him back after that, I promise."

I really just wanted her to let him go. She eventually did, making him promise to come back. I wasn't sure if I should cheer him on (yay free sex for you tonight) or feel sorry for him having to deal with a drunken octopus.

He walked me out to my car. Placed the box in my trunk. Hugged me goodnight.. a one and a half armed hug. Then walked away.

He didn't linger close to me. He didn't make it a more involved hug. He didn't even attempt to kiss me or.. anything really.

So until I hear otherwise, I'm guessing we're "Just Friends" and going to stay that way.

Chivalry Isn't Dead, So Stop Trying To Kill It

"The Frisky" (some online magazine I'd never heard of until someone posted about this article) has an article about the "8 So-Called Chivalrous Moves That Creep Us Out".

The article was obviously written by a woman who is so used to unchivalrous behavior that she gets creeped out easy.

Of the 8 Creepy moves she lists, I only agree with her on two of them because.. well doing them is more insulting than it is chivalrous.

1. Ordering meals for her. (Unless you've been in a relationship long enough that you automatically know what she wants - aka Martini, dry, extra olive) Its bad form to assume that your penis gives you the right to assume her tastes.

2. Letting her win at any competitive thing. This is a practice that went out of style with women's rights, and is now condescending and semi-misogynistic. Exceptions to this may be letting her win at wrestling you, but reasons for this would be less competitive and more.. well foreplay.

Of other 6 moves she mentions:

3. Code term for bathroom: Was it ever in fashion for a man to use the word tinkle? Umm no, not unless he's talking to a child as in "Do you have to tinkle?" But no man ever said "I have to tinkle" unless he's gay or wanted to get beat up, or both. So this should just be generally "wrong" and not considered a chivalrous move. It is though much better to say, "I'll be right back, I need to use the men's room" instead of "I gotta go hit the head". Some code terms just make you look like an idiot.

4. Pulling out her chair: I've only had one guy attempt this, and had he not been a superb ass otherwise, I'd have slept with him right then and there. Sure sure, we women can pull out our own chairs, but its sooooo nice to see a man go out of his way to be courteous and helpful.

5. Carrying her purse: It takes a strong man to carry a woman's purse. It really does. The reason other women looking on don't find it attractive is merely that its a sign that he's truly taken. It also (these days) takes a lot of trust for a woman to let a man carry her purse. Its very intimate. Most women just would rather carry their own purses for the most part, but for those few times when you need your hands or shoulders free (to try on that new coat just off the rack) its perfectly considerate and awesome for him to hold your purse.

6. Asking the father for hand in marriage: Outdated? maybe. Uber-considerate? Yes. This is one of those things that should never go out of style. It shows respect for the family and the family unit. It shows the parents that he's understands their importance in her life (and soon to be his as well). It is merely asking for their blessing. If they don't give it, is it really going to stop him asking her? probably not, but at least then he knows what kind of battle he's up against in the years to come. (additionally, if their is more than one parental "set" the blessing should be asked of all her parents)

7. If he's paying for dinner, not letting her contribute monetarily: This is a dying chivalry. Just because a woman has money, does not make it 50-50 in everything. Women still when dating should be looking for that guy who wants to pay for everything, at least at first. Women can treat some other time, or spend money on the relationship in other ways if needed. But going out with a guy who respects you enough to want to spend his money on you, and has enough money to spend on you... is a keeper. Should things progress, or you accidentally get knocked up, you at least know that he's solvent enough to help out. Going "dutch" on a real first date is one sure way to make sure my legs stay together for a very long time.

8. Helping her put her coat on: This is just nice. Sure it can be awkward, but it shows that he's thinking about you and wanting to help out. Trust me, if he's not wanting to help you in the beginning, he won't be much help later when you need it. One of my most romantic dates, a guy tried to help me put on my coat.. I got my thumb caught on the sleeve hole and it took a couple attempts to get the coat actually on. It was a great icebreaker and actually a "team building" activity. We laughed a lot, and once the coat actually got on, he gathered me in his arms and after we stopped chuckling we shared an awesome kiss.