Somethings Are Better Left Alone

I got a call yesterday from an old friend. You could I suppose call him a "non-date dating" friend, or a backup boyfriend... or .. well a lot of things. Technically he's an ex-boyfriend, but our actual dating was so brief it hardly requires mentioning.

I hadn't heard from him in months. Many many months. Actually the last time we'd talked I was still in the process of divorce, and had just recently began speaking again.

We didn't stop talking just because I got married, though it had a part in it. It's more that he has always been my achilles heel, and yet I know if I really needed anything he'd bend over backward to help. But let me explain.

We'd been friends and online pals for years. We ran in the same online social circle, and had many people in common. He was strong and demanding, yet sweet and loving.. A lion, yet a teddybear. I fell in deep like. I loved being around him. But since he'd never seemed to return more than a friends-vibe, I did nothing about it.

We would flirt all the time. We'd joke. We'd talk. He became my advisor, and he was one of the very few men in our circle that never made me his advisor. I felt safe and comfortable with him, like nothing could ever hurt me. He wouldn't let it.

At the same time though, he would admonish me on my faults. Point out things I needed to work on. At the time, I believed him. I trusted him. I loved him. In many ways he was right, but he also put me in a constant state of adoring him and feeling unworthy to do so. He preyed on my weakness of giving, and gave just enough to convince me to give more.

Then we dated. I was single, and suddenly he was single at the same time. I'd just gotten out of a very traumatic breakup, and with his manipulations, he was the only man for me. I fell very deep in love, need, and want with him. We lasted two weeks, from first kiss to last. Just long enough for us to have sex, then he disappeared and wouldn't return my calls.

To say I was devastated would be kind.

It was just over 3 yrs before Luke resurfaced. I'd just gotten married the year before, and thought it hilarious that now that I was married Luke would show up. I called him many names in my mind, but he didn't know, until I told him, that I was married.

He'd wished me much happiness and apologized for hurting me. He had gotten back together with his ex and didn't have the balls to tell me. I told him he was the biggest asshole ever, and hung up. But he called back, and soon I was under his spell again. My marriage was not going well, and I should have gotten out back then, but I didn't.

He counseled me on my marriage, on what to do, what not to do.. what I needed to improve in myself. He left me in knots so big that a friend of mine insisted that I stop talking to him. I didn't right away, but a week later when the same friend said "Stop talking to him, or stop talking to me." I stopped all contact with Luke.

I'd never done anything like that before. It wouldn't have even dawned on me to shut out a friend. It was one of the best things I've ever done, and my friend who "made" me do it is one of the best friends I've ever had.

About 3 months later, I snuck in a conversation, and saw for myself just how controlling Luke was. Then I didn't speak to, look at, hear from, or even read an email about Luke for 4 yrs. Then my ex-husband walked out, and I called everyone of my contacts looking for solace. I called Luke.

His voice was the same. His laugh was the same. But there was something fundamentally different. He wasn't trying to control me. Not even an ounce of it. The conversation was peaceful, uplifting, and friendly. It was my old friend without the torture. It was amazing.

We talked again a few months later. Then again yesterday. He really is now the man that I delusionally thought he was back then. It was good see him change.

But I'm a different me now as well. I'm no longer the massive people pleaser that I once was. I'm not the weak desperate tortured soul either. I'm no longer the masochist for love that I used to be. While I've always been independent, I've never been this independent of mind. Its a good feeling. A good growth.

In some ways, its tempting to pursue something with Luke now that he's the man he is today. But my mind still remembers the man that he was, the man he's still capable of reverting to.. and I keep my distance. A few thousand miles also helps.

Apres Wigout Perspective

Yesterday, I wigged out. I have a million and one reasons why, including yesterday's post topic, but most of those reasons are solved with a little pill called Benadryl.

What I did learn from yesterday is that:

1. Religion is much more important to me than I originally thought.

2. I've neglected my own spirituality. Partly because I really do not have many spiritual people in my life.

3. I should probably try/attempt to find a church in town again. If for no other reason to judge for myself if its nostalgia calling, or something thats right for me now.

Yesterday, I was very disproportionally concerned that Mr. Christian did not like me and that I'd offended him by a sarcastic email (meant to be humor). It consumed me.

At times, I can be a complete mental case and lucky for you all, I was one! :)

I drove myself crazy. I wasn't living in the NOW. I didn't ask myself the Four Questions that can change my life. Instead of seeking self-understanding in a productive way, I chose to drive myself nuts with "What is he thinking?"

Now had Mr Christian any idea of what I was thinking, he truly would be justified in getting out a restraining order.

Luckily for me, I came to my senses before actually doing anything rash. Yay me! (special thanks to my friends for bearing with me)

About half way through my wigout yesterday, I got a call from Mr. A (from Monday night's costume shop event). We'd met Monday and went to dinner. Tuesday night he called me to say Hi and ask me about the iPhone. Wednesday night, he calls me to ask me out for Saturday.

Its been a while since I've seen such dedicated interest and planning in a man, which is why I said yes, despite my reservations that things will not work out.

It was this that knocked me somewhat back to my senses. Mr Christian had not asked me out nor had he called. Granted, Mr Christian has my email address and Mr A does not. Still, Mr Christian hasn't stepped up... yet anyway.

I wondered to myself what in the hell had happened to me. A few weeks ago I wasn't even sure I wanted a relationship at all. The mere thought of having to give up something or change my habits at all in order to accommodate another person into my life nearly had me breaking out in hives. And now I'm freaking out and obsessing over some guy (really great guy nonetheless but just a guy)?? I gave myself a time out, and watched TV. No thinking. No brooding. No obsessing. Total mind-numbing TV time.

I woke today back in Sanityville. Hopefully I stay here for a while. In the meantime, I do need to work on me and address my own spirituality issues.

Chivalry Isn't Dead, So Stop Trying To Kill It

"The Frisky" (some online magazine I'd never heard of until someone posted about this article) has an article about the "8 So-Called Chivalrous Moves That Creep Us Out".

The article was obviously written by a woman who is so used to unchivalrous behavior that she gets creeped out easy.

Of the 8 Creepy moves she lists, I only agree with her on two of them because.. well doing them is more insulting than it is chivalrous.

1. Ordering meals for her. (Unless you've been in a relationship long enough that you automatically know what she wants - aka Martini, dry, extra olive) Its bad form to assume that your penis gives you the right to assume her tastes.

2. Letting her win at any competitive thing. This is a practice that went out of style with women's rights, and is now condescending and semi-misogynistic. Exceptions to this may be letting her win at wrestling you, but reasons for this would be less competitive and more.. well foreplay.

Of other 6 moves she mentions:

3. Code term for bathroom: Was it ever in fashion for a man to use the word tinkle? Umm no, not unless he's talking to a child as in "Do you have to tinkle?" But no man ever said "I have to tinkle" unless he's gay or wanted to get beat up, or both. So this should just be generally "wrong" and not considered a chivalrous move. It is though much better to say, "I'll be right back, I need to use the men's room" instead of "I gotta go hit the head". Some code terms just make you look like an idiot.

4. Pulling out her chair: I've only had one guy attempt this, and had he not been a superb ass otherwise, I'd have slept with him right then and there. Sure sure, we women can pull out our own chairs, but its sooooo nice to see a man go out of his way to be courteous and helpful.

5. Carrying her purse: It takes a strong man to carry a woman's purse. It really does. The reason other women looking on don't find it attractive is merely that its a sign that he's truly taken. It also (these days) takes a lot of trust for a woman to let a man carry her purse. Its very intimate. Most women just would rather carry their own purses for the most part, but for those few times when you need your hands or shoulders free (to try on that new coat just off the rack) its perfectly considerate and awesome for him to hold your purse.

6. Asking the father for hand in marriage: Outdated? maybe. Uber-considerate? Yes. This is one of those things that should never go out of style. It shows respect for the family and the family unit. It shows the parents that he's understands their importance in her life (and soon to be his as well). It is merely asking for their blessing. If they don't give it, is it really going to stop him asking her? probably not, but at least then he knows what kind of battle he's up against in the years to come. (additionally, if their is more than one parental "set" the blessing should be asked of all her parents)

7. If he's paying for dinner, not letting her contribute monetarily: This is a dying chivalry. Just because a woman has money, does not make it 50-50 in everything. Women still when dating should be looking for that guy who wants to pay for everything, at least at first. Women can treat some other time, or spend money on the relationship in other ways if needed. But going out with a guy who respects you enough to want to spend his money on you, and has enough money to spend on you... is a keeper. Should things progress, or you accidentally get knocked up, you at least know that he's solvent enough to help out. Going "dutch" on a real first date is one sure way to make sure my legs stay together for a very long time.

8. Helping her put her coat on: This is just nice. Sure it can be awkward, but it shows that he's thinking about you and wanting to help out. Trust me, if he's not wanting to help you in the beginning, he won't be much help later when you need it. One of my most romantic dates, a guy tried to help me put on my coat.. I got my thumb caught on the sleeve hole and it took a couple attempts to get the coat actually on. It was a great icebreaker and actually a "team building" activity. We laughed a lot, and once the coat actually got on, he gathered me in his arms and after we stopped chuckling we shared an awesome kiss.