5 Manly-Man Things I Love

I really liked @singlegirlie's post about "5 Un-Manly Things I Love In A Man"  despite that I don't share most of those myself. So I thought, "Hey, I should do a post like that with ones that I like!"

Then I thought about it, and I honestly can't think of any girlie things that I like in a man. Well except the whole body builder look thing that she explains on her blog.  Fit - good, Athletic - good, Overweight - good, Skinny - good... but the body builder (unhuman) kind of built look, hell no... though I will choose body builder over the extremely obese guys.

I like some metro sexual stuff, but I wouldn't really call most of it un-manly. I just like 'em to look nice.

So I decided to list the 5 manly man things that I LOVE in a man, not necessarily in any particular order...

1. Steak: He not only knows how to order a good steak, but knows how to eat one. (He shouldn't hate vegetables though, just know his meat.)

2. Hair: He can grow it. Facial, chest.. There is absolutely no mistaking him for anything but a man. (Not really into thick carpet looks though, but a good amount of hair is definitely sexy.)

3. Chivalry: He offers to carry things for me whether I need him to or not. He opens doors for me. He walks me to my car and/or to my door to make sure I'm safe.

4. Tool Belt: He can fix things. Leaky sinks, changing the oil on my car, or even just fixing the bug in my computer.. He knows how to use his hands...

5. Cajones - I hope thats how it's spelled.. but that manly man attitude. He can be calm and zen and peaceloving (no one wants an angry ass) but I really love a guy who when push comes to shove.. can firmly hold his ground.. all the more attractive if he's peaceful and fun loving 99% of the time.. unless you cross him. Whiny men who are too emotional kinda make my skin crawl.

Dating Psychology 101

Last thursday night I of course went again to my "Flirting" group. Being that it was the thursday before Halloween, people obviously had better things to do and the group had a small turn out.

So we did something a little different. We talked.

The organizer handed out small pieces of paper for us to write questions that we wanted to ask of the group/opposite sex/whatever.

He then shuffled the papers and read the questions and we discussed it.

Sounds boring huh? It actually was a lot of fun and a little surprising.

Here were the results...

Attraction: Oddly enough both sexes agreed on what is attractive and what makes us want to be around, talk to, or let people into our lives.. And yes EVERYONE had the same answer independent of peer pressure.. there wasn't any peer pressure on this.. Trust me.

I actually asked the question because I was curious what the guys would come up with for an answer. I actually expected to hear "beautiful face" or "good body" or "dresses nice" or something.. Instead I got the following..

1. Smiling. (not just your mouth but with your eyes)

2. Friendly looking - see #1.

3. Looks like their having fun. #1 plus maybe a genuine laugh now and then.

4. Eye contact - if you can catch their eye, or get their attention.

Basically it boiled down to... fun and approachable... Doing your own thing and happy with it.. Not dependent on others to make you happy.

While looking nice, and being beautiful can help, its not the end all be all, and actually a very little part of it. Sure it catches their attention at first, but if the above "rules" aren't there most people will move on to someone else.

We also talked about bad boys and nice guys.. And somewhere in there I had a moment of brilliance.

Most people trust people with boundaries. We like boundaries. We like knowing how far we can push things to get a desired result. It helps us feel safe in the relationship with someone if we can trust them to let us know when we've crossed the line. We tend not to like total doormats.

We also like to know that we're special. We don't feel special if someone is just as nice to us as they are to everyone else. We want that "inner circle" feeling. We want inside the boundary so to speak.

One of my exes.. well to shorten the story lets just say he's an ex rather than getting into the whole drama of our friendship/attraction/fling/misunderstanding/friends thing... So anyway, this ex is the epitome of boundaries.

When I first heard of him through friends of friends of friends, I learned that he was a notorious asshole. (I know I know.. so sexy) And that he was extremely selective in who he hung around. (OMG Challenge.. drool) No one could tell me why he was the way he was or any keys to getting close to him, but since nearly all my friends were acquaintances of his, I assumed that I'd be a shoe in.

Uh.. not so much. When I first met him, I walked up to him while he was talking with some of my friends. I went to say "Hi, I'm Maruska", and he turned to someone else, raised his hand, and waved me off... like "Shoo fly you bother me".

I was taken aback and immediately thought "OH NO He didn't!"

He is not a sexy man physically. He doesn't have that handsome face. He doesn't have an athletic body. He actually would be adequately described as an uber-geeky skinny assed homely guy. Guy. I very much doubt anyone would take one look at him and say "Oh there goes a man" unless they were merely referring to the fact that he's male. Most people actually do not notice him.

But I was riveted. At first, because no one that uneventful had ever brushed me off. And secondly, because he was an extremely intelligent witty guy.

I set out to get to know him. Once I got home from meeting him the first time, I made notes to pester him every time he got online. My first message to him was "It was really nice meeting you. You really are the asshole they promised."

He didn't reply. He thought I was just a silly frivolous girl, and not worth wasting his time.

I set out to prove him wrong or at least pester the crap out of him until he actually did reply. I was told by all our mutual friends not to go this course of action, but I figured he already hated me, I'd just give him good reason.

Anyway one thing lead to another and my intelligence and wit and persistence won him over. By the next time we met, we were inseparable. I was one of, if not the queen-bee of his circle (our circle). We'd actually gone through so much "honesty" with each other that I could say things to him that most of the other girls in our circles would not even dare. I was special, and I loved him for it.

Now that said, not everyone should have this extreme boundary setup as a goal. Boundaries actually shouldn't be a goal.

As much as having boundaries and standing up for them breeds trust, respect, and a feeling of safety... faking boundaries is detrimental.

In the group discussion, we discussed what was our big "deal breaker" and every one of us also agreed on this..

Deception - Lying

There are many ways to deceive, and some can come back and bite you in the butt big time.

Lying about your natural haircolor? Not so much a big deal. Lying about your financial status, your real appearance, or that you smoke.. are often deal breakers. People that would have given you a chance had you been honest, no longer will have anything to do with you.

Lying gets you nowhere in a relationship.

Thus the same for boundaries. You can't make up boundaries. You have to really have them.. .you have to own your boundaries.

Making up a boundary in order to appear more trust worthy will eventually backfire. The minute that the person finds out that you made up some arbitrary boundary.. they will no longer respect any of your boundaries.. How are they to know which ones are real?

This is the key behind many women's interest in bad over nice. Most bad boys have boundaries and they're not afraid to let you know them. They're confident and secure enough in themselves to only be around people who can handle their boundaries. (Or at the very least, while they may not be inner confident, they've gotten boundaries to limit their lives to people they actually like). While a lot of these guys tend to be jerks, we at least usually know where we stand.

Most nice guys however will ignore their normal boundaries to be nice.. in an effort to be accommodating, not understanding that this is most of the reason they finish last. Btw Mr Nice Guy... its also deceptive practices to pretend to not have a boundary when you actually do.. we women don't like that deception.. we wonder what else you're lying about or not telling us. While some of these guys are actually as nice as they seem, we're often left wondering where that line is and if they'd actually tell us if we crossed it.

There actually is a third group of guys.. and these are the keepers. These are the nice guys with boundaries. These are well adjusted guys who know what they can and cannot handle and are ok with expressing it. Some of these guys are the strong leaders you see, very in control, commanding but full of charm. A few are also just very agreeable guys more than willing to go with the flow, but speak out once things get close to their boundary. These guys are often perceived as honest and stand-up guys, and 99% of them are married already or dedicated bachelors.

Or at least thats my thoughts... :)

Chivalry Isn't Dead, So Stop Trying To Kill It

"The Frisky" (some online magazine I'd never heard of until someone posted about this article) has an article about the "8 So-Called Chivalrous Moves That Creep Us Out".

The article was obviously written by a woman who is so used to unchivalrous behavior that she gets creeped out easy.

Of the 8 Creepy moves she lists, I only agree with her on two of them because.. well doing them is more insulting than it is chivalrous.

1. Ordering meals for her. (Unless you've been in a relationship long enough that you automatically know what she wants - aka Martini, dry, extra olive) Its bad form to assume that your penis gives you the right to assume her tastes.

2. Letting her win at any competitive thing. This is a practice that went out of style with women's rights, and is now condescending and semi-misogynistic. Exceptions to this may be letting her win at wrestling you, but reasons for this would be less competitive and more.. well foreplay.

Of other 6 moves she mentions:

3. Code term for bathroom: Was it ever in fashion for a man to use the word tinkle? Umm no, not unless he's talking to a child as in "Do you have to tinkle?" But no man ever said "I have to tinkle" unless he's gay or wanted to get beat up, or both. So this should just be generally "wrong" and not considered a chivalrous move. It is though much better to say, "I'll be right back, I need to use the men's room" instead of "I gotta go hit the head". Some code terms just make you look like an idiot.

4. Pulling out her chair: I've only had one guy attempt this, and had he not been a superb ass otherwise, I'd have slept with him right then and there. Sure sure, we women can pull out our own chairs, but its sooooo nice to see a man go out of his way to be courteous and helpful.

5. Carrying her purse: It takes a strong man to carry a woman's purse. It really does. The reason other women looking on don't find it attractive is merely that its a sign that he's truly taken. It also (these days) takes a lot of trust for a woman to let a man carry her purse. Its very intimate. Most women just would rather carry their own purses for the most part, but for those few times when you need your hands or shoulders free (to try on that new coat just off the rack) its perfectly considerate and awesome for him to hold your purse.

6. Asking the father for hand in marriage: Outdated? maybe. Uber-considerate? Yes. This is one of those things that should never go out of style. It shows respect for the family and the family unit. It shows the parents that he's understands their importance in her life (and soon to be his as well). It is merely asking for their blessing. If they don't give it, is it really going to stop him asking her? probably not, but at least then he knows what kind of battle he's up against in the years to come. (additionally, if their is more than one parental "set" the blessing should be asked of all her parents)

7. If he's paying for dinner, not letting her contribute monetarily: This is a dying chivalry. Just because a woman has money, does not make it 50-50 in everything. Women still when dating should be looking for that guy who wants to pay for everything, at least at first. Women can treat some other time, or spend money on the relationship in other ways if needed. But going out with a guy who respects you enough to want to spend his money on you, and has enough money to spend on you... is a keeper. Should things progress, or you accidentally get knocked up, you at least know that he's solvent enough to help out. Going "dutch" on a real first date is one sure way to make sure my legs stay together for a very long time.

8. Helping her put her coat on: This is just nice. Sure it can be awkward, but it shows that he's thinking about you and wanting to help out. Trust me, if he's not wanting to help you in the beginning, he won't be much help later when you need it. One of my most romantic dates, a guy tried to help me put on my coat.. I got my thumb caught on the sleeve hole and it took a couple attempts to get the coat actually on. It was a great icebreaker and actually a "team building" activity. We laughed a lot, and once the coat actually got on, he gathered me in his arms and after we stopped chuckling we shared an awesome kiss.

Date or Sex Buddy Audition?

Ok.. I knew there was something I was forgetting yesterday when I was posting updates..

Do you remember Mr One-Arm Hug date that I went on last week? The one I was waiting on an email and was certain it was pretty much a failure?

He emailed me on Friday. He stated that he had a good time and

"Maybe we could get together again sometime."

Which I took as, the equivalent of letting me down easy. And being in a bitchy mood about his two-day wait to email me, I decided to wait to email him back. I finally emailed him last night (nearly a 3-day wait).

He happened to be online when I emailed him, and he emailed me back straight away asking if I had a hot tub at my place, and that he'd really like to get together again, grab a drink and soak with me.

Alarm bells are going off in my head. Am I just a pessimist? Maybe I am, but I'm getting the impression that he just wants sex. Maybe I'm wrong. I suppose I should take it as a good sign that he at least wants to see me in less clothes and a more intimate setting.

I'm heading to California to visit some friends for a week, so I wrote him back saying that no I don't have a hot tub and that I'm going to be out of town for a while and maybe we can get together once I get back.

He switched to IM. He really wants to get together soon, and asked the date of my return. Once I told him, he wanted to get together as soon as I got back. Which I'd take as a very damn good sign, if I could get the thoughts of "all he wants is sex" out of my head.

He was very excited about the possibility of a hot tub, and said, "If I find a hot tub, will you soak with me?"

I thought about it. Thought some more. Then figured.. oh what the hell.. if all he wants is sex its better to find it out now. So I agreed.

He's currently on a mission to find one. (I'm seriously hoping that he fails. Anyone else think that he just wants sex?).

-- On a separate note, my workaholic sex-buddy contacted me and wants to get together. We may or may not get together tonight (depends on his work). Some days I really love being single.

Mental Pedophilia

A friend of mine, Fred and I were discussing dating and our turn offs. Ok, actually we were discussing this girl he had a date with, but was thinking of canceling. The only reason he was thinking of going was that he was assured he was getting sex. But the more he thought about the upcoming event the more he didn't want to do her and the more he admitted that he wasn't attracted to her at all.

Which prompted me to ask why he didn't find her attractive. Most girls assume that if a guy is banging us, that he's at least somewhat attracted. So I was curious.

He replied, "Its just an all around unattractiveness. We have nothing in common and she can't spell for shit! My biggest pet peeve in the world. She tried sending me a dirty email once and I couldn't finish it because her spelling was so bad. "Ill be on my hands and niece" She couldn't even spell "knees" right. Dammit. Just thinking about it makes my dick shrink."

Rarely do I get to meet a guy who has these kinds of standards, and I always knew there was a reason Fred and I were friends. I have the same issues with finding men. If he can't spell, he'd better be able to prove to me that its not because he's a moron, but because of dyslexia or some other condition, and had better be a proponent of education and learning.

This is how Fred and I got to discussing "Mental Pedophilia" (Fred's term btw, and I happen to love it.). He defines it as "don't you realize that this girl has the intelligence and common sense of a 14 year old? You realize that its illegal to have sex with a 14 year old right? How is this any different?"

I define it simply as "Mental Pedophilia - dating someone mentally young enough to be illegal, or simple enough that you're taking advantage of an unarmed person." Its a lot like getting "informed consent" for the relationship.

If I can wrap you around my finger without you knowing that you're under my spell, then the attraction is much less. Who really wants just a puppet? Now if you know you're wrapped around my finger, and you love it, cherish it, and want to be there... then who am I to ruin your fun. Worship me baby! :)

If your brains are still forming or have stunted growth so you really can't understand the difference between they're and their, then I feel like I'm with child and I only want men. Sorry.

So far as I know though, "Mental Pedophilia" has not been proven illegal except in severe cases of mental deficiency.. but for me (and my friends) its just way icky.