Dating Psychology 101

Last thursday night I of course went again to my "Flirting" group. Being that it was the thursday before Halloween, people obviously had better things to do and the group had a small turn out.

So we did something a little different. We talked.

The organizer handed out small pieces of paper for us to write questions that we wanted to ask of the group/opposite sex/whatever.

He then shuffled the papers and read the questions and we discussed it.

Sounds boring huh? It actually was a lot of fun and a little surprising.

Here were the results...

Attraction: Oddly enough both sexes agreed on what is attractive and what makes us want to be around, talk to, or let people into our lives.. And yes EVERYONE had the same answer independent of peer pressure.. there wasn't any peer pressure on this.. Trust me.

I actually asked the question because I was curious what the guys would come up with for an answer. I actually expected to hear "beautiful face" or "good body" or "dresses nice" or something.. Instead I got the following..

1. Smiling. (not just your mouth but with your eyes)

2. Friendly looking - see #1.

3. Looks like their having fun. #1 plus maybe a genuine laugh now and then.

4. Eye contact - if you can catch their eye, or get their attention.

Basically it boiled down to... fun and approachable... Doing your own thing and happy with it.. Not dependent on others to make you happy.

While looking nice, and being beautiful can help, its not the end all be all, and actually a very little part of it. Sure it catches their attention at first, but if the above "rules" aren't there most people will move on to someone else.

We also talked about bad boys and nice guys.. And somewhere in there I had a moment of brilliance.

Most people trust people with boundaries. We like boundaries. We like knowing how far we can push things to get a desired result. It helps us feel safe in the relationship with someone if we can trust them to let us know when we've crossed the line. We tend not to like total doormats.

We also like to know that we're special. We don't feel special if someone is just as nice to us as they are to everyone else. We want that "inner circle" feeling. We want inside the boundary so to speak.

One of my exes.. well to shorten the story lets just say he's an ex rather than getting into the whole drama of our friendship/attraction/fling/misunderstanding/friends thing... So anyway, this ex is the epitome of boundaries.

When I first heard of him through friends of friends of friends, I learned that he was a notorious asshole. (I know I know.. so sexy) And that he was extremely selective in who he hung around. (OMG Challenge.. drool) No one could tell me why he was the way he was or any keys to getting close to him, but since nearly all my friends were acquaintances of his, I assumed that I'd be a shoe in.

Uh.. not so much. When I first met him, I walked up to him while he was talking with some of my friends. I went to say "Hi, I'm Maruska", and he turned to someone else, raised his hand, and waved me off... like "Shoo fly you bother me".

I was taken aback and immediately thought "OH NO He didn't!"

He is not a sexy man physically. He doesn't have that handsome face. He doesn't have an athletic body. He actually would be adequately described as an uber-geeky skinny assed homely guy. Guy. I very much doubt anyone would take one look at him and say "Oh there goes a man" unless they were merely referring to the fact that he's male. Most people actually do not notice him.

But I was riveted. At first, because no one that uneventful had ever brushed me off. And secondly, because he was an extremely intelligent witty guy.

I set out to get to know him. Once I got home from meeting him the first time, I made notes to pester him every time he got online. My first message to him was "It was really nice meeting you. You really are the asshole they promised."

He didn't reply. He thought I was just a silly frivolous girl, and not worth wasting his time.

I set out to prove him wrong or at least pester the crap out of him until he actually did reply. I was told by all our mutual friends not to go this course of action, but I figured he already hated me, I'd just give him good reason.

Anyway one thing lead to another and my intelligence and wit and persistence won him over. By the next time we met, we were inseparable. I was one of, if not the queen-bee of his circle (our circle). We'd actually gone through so much "honesty" with each other that I could say things to him that most of the other girls in our circles would not even dare. I was special, and I loved him for it.

Now that said, not everyone should have this extreme boundary setup as a goal. Boundaries actually shouldn't be a goal.

As much as having boundaries and standing up for them breeds trust, respect, and a feeling of safety... faking boundaries is detrimental.

In the group discussion, we discussed what was our big "deal breaker" and every one of us also agreed on this..

Deception - Lying

There are many ways to deceive, and some can come back and bite you in the butt big time.

Lying about your natural haircolor? Not so much a big deal. Lying about your financial status, your real appearance, or that you smoke.. are often deal breakers. People that would have given you a chance had you been honest, no longer will have anything to do with you.

Lying gets you nowhere in a relationship.

Thus the same for boundaries. You can't make up boundaries. You have to really have them.. .you have to own your boundaries.

Making up a boundary in order to appear more trust worthy will eventually backfire. The minute that the person finds out that you made up some arbitrary boundary.. they will no longer respect any of your boundaries.. How are they to know which ones are real?

This is the key behind many women's interest in bad over nice. Most bad boys have boundaries and they're not afraid to let you know them. They're confident and secure enough in themselves to only be around people who can handle their boundaries. (Or at the very least, while they may not be inner confident, they've gotten boundaries to limit their lives to people they actually like). While a lot of these guys tend to be jerks, we at least usually know where we stand.

Most nice guys however will ignore their normal boundaries to be nice.. in an effort to be accommodating, not understanding that this is most of the reason they finish last. Btw Mr Nice Guy... its also deceptive practices to pretend to not have a boundary when you actually do.. we women don't like that deception.. we wonder what else you're lying about or not telling us. While some of these guys are actually as nice as they seem, we're often left wondering where that line is and if they'd actually tell us if we crossed it.

There actually is a third group of guys.. and these are the keepers. These are the nice guys with boundaries. These are well adjusted guys who know what they can and cannot handle and are ok with expressing it. Some of these guys are the strong leaders you see, very in control, commanding but full of charm. A few are also just very agreeable guys more than willing to go with the flow, but speak out once things get close to their boundary. These guys are often perceived as honest and stand-up guys, and 99% of them are married already or dedicated bachelors.

Or at least thats my thoughts... :)

Bumps In The Road

Adventuring out again on this path for sexual companionship, every once in a while something happens and I find myself unable to cope. It's like a piece of wiring gone wrong, or a short circuiting.

I'd been out on several dates with a guy who is possibly the nicest guy I've been out with yet. He opens my door, consistently insisting on it, without complaint and without that air of "see I'm opening your door". He listens when I talk. The kind of listening where he mentions it the next day to inquire more about it. He's open, honest to the point where I googled him and found everything he said to be the absolute truth. In public, he's fantastic. Putting his arm around me with pride, but not possessive, reassuring but not limiting, caressing sensually but not perverted.

So one night, after a perfect evening. Well the evening was rather boring, but he'd behaved perfectly and despite the pitfalls of our plans I had never been so happy. I could no longer resist taking him to bed.

It was this action that set off all sorts of crazy in me. The acts themselves were fabulous, orgasmic... in that hot "I gotta have you" way mixed with "I really care about you" kindness. It was this mixture that set off the short circuit.

I'd had my post-divorce "I gotta have you" sex. It was fine. There wasn't a whole lot of caring, just a whole lot of lust. Both parties knew it, and we were ok with it.

It was the "I really care about you" kindness that got me. It had been so long since anything had come close to that that I hadn't noticed just how hard of a shell around my heart I'd built. That night, the shell broke. Shards hitting every nerve, every button, any insecurity.

Did he enjoy it? Does he like me? Is this just a one time thing? Will he call tomorrow? Did he do all this just to get in my pants? Does he think I'm too fat? Does he want me to stay? Should I go and act all casual? Should I snuggle him close and not let go? What do I do?

I had told him that it'd been the best night in a very long time. When I asked how it was for him, he mumbled something along the lines of "good". Not very glowing, so I got scared. I waited. Looked for clues. But nothing came, and the fear built.

Did he hate it? Did I do something wrong? Is he just tired? Should I ask again? If I ask again, will he tell me the truth or will he lie to soothe my feelings?

I chickened out and didn't ask. Instead I sat on the fear, and waited. He took me home. He was nice, polite, pleasant (sleepy), and he kissed me good night. The fear was still there.

I sat with the fear. I couldn't sleep because of it. I stayed up all night googling him, trying to find some lie, some fault for which I could hate him. If I could hate him, then if he fucked me over it wouldn't be so bad. But everything I found just made it worse. He was exactly the kind of guy that he'd claimed to be.

The next day, after finally collapsing for a few hours of sleep, I decided to txt him a polite "hope things are going well today" message. His first reply was "We need to talk about what we each like sexually".

My heart hit the floor. No "I'm well. I hope you're doing ok" or even a "How are you?".. just simply a "we need to talk".

I should have taken hope from his reply that at least he was still thinking about sex with me. So I couldn't have been horrid. But instead, all I saw was indifference, uncaring, and selfishness. It hurt. It hurt bad.

My heart tried to piece back together the shell that used to hold it, but no glue would hold. I tried to txt him back that we'd talk about it later.. hoping he'd switch the subject and at least ask how I was or something. He instead went on to tell me one of his fetishes.

I went into full blown psychosis. He was out of town so phone and txt was all we had. He was to call me when he got back. I tried to be patient. But the thoughts of how he was with me before sex, and how he was communicating afterwards were painting two conflicting pictures in my head and I couldn't resolve it. I needed to talk to him. I needed to know which picture was the right one. I needed him to know just how much I hurt.

I didn't sleep that night either. I lingered the entire night on the verge of a panic attack. To say that I'm messed up, would be a severe understatement. I was a school girl waiting for a phone call, trying with all her might not to show just how psycho she was.

The call never came. I txt'd him. He replied. I asked if he was back in town, he said he just got back. I waited. No call.

The rest of the day until the next, was a series of missed txt's and absence of calls. I couldn't even sleep that night. I was pretty sure it was over.

Finally I called him. It had been nearly 3 days now of little sleep and being an emotional wreck, that when he finally called me back I told him everything. Even as I said it on the phone, I knew just how psycho it sounded. I could tell from his voice that he never realized that I would take anything wrong or that I had. He didn't realize the urgency of which I needed communication. He said he needed to think. To process what I'd told him.

I hung up the phone and all the stress melted away. The silliness of my overreaction made me laugh. I even pictured his face as I told him about my lunacy, and I laughed at myself. Soon the weight of exhaustion fell on me, and I slept.

When I woke, I woke happy. I didn't care if he called again (who could really blame him for running), and if he did, that was fine too. I'd gotten my clarification, communication, and peace.. and thats all that truly mattered.

Dating Again

Its been 6 months, 24 days, and.. well thats as far as I'm counting.. since he walked out. Its been 1 month, 15 days since the divorce was final.

The first month was hard. The second month was hard. The rest are just a blur of stress and activity, moving, and legalese.

I really thought I was fine. Sure I had some pain initially, but I knew it was for the best. Getting us to the point of being happy together had become more and more evident that one of us was going to need a lobotomy or a complete brain transplant. I had sacrificed everything I could imagine, so I wasn't signing up for the procedure, and he decided it was best to leave.

Part of his decision to call it quits was that he was already involved with someone else, but I know that wasn't all of it. Things were bad for a long time, and had I had the conscience to find someone else I probably would have myself.

I faced the divorce with peace, despite bouts of extreme desire to see him publicly castrated which I pictured in my head, smiled, and resumed my day.

So I thought I was fine. I'd processed it. I'd taken time to myself. I've even dated some. I was going to be fine, superb, the epitome of "I'm awesome, and you all know it."

But I'm not fine. Sure I have less baggage than some divorcees, but each day I find new things.. new small bags that pop up.. and I realize just how damaged I am.

So I decided to blog about my adventures in overcoming my own baggage, and trying to date again.