The Good Fight

There is nothing like a good fight. Ok... arguement.. discussion.. whatever you want to call it when two people disagree, voice it, and come to a resolution.. hopefully without killing each other or causing undue bodily or emotional/mental harm.

I like a good arguement. Not all the time. Not every day. But when the time it is right, the subject is right, then yes.. a good arguement.

I've always known the importance of disagreement. Partly from my parents who when I was a child disagreed often and probably more so than was healthy. But they worked it out, and this is eventually what I took away from it.

Then came the ex.. He disagreed on nothing. A few times he'd disagree, and I'd start to get into my arguing mode producing my evidence for my stance, and he'd back down. I assumed (wrongly) that because he did so.. that the subject was not important or that I'd turned him to agree with me.

What I didn't know.. and didn't understand.. is that while I understood good arguements and resolution.. He didn't.

While I love his father.. it wasn't until way late in the marriage when I realized that it was his father who taught him this. His father taught him to back down to any confrontation from a woman. If she said it.. she got her way. Period. (Partly this is because his mother is a lunatic..)

So I was left most of the marriage trying to get out of my ex what it was that he wanted. I tried coaxing it out of him. I tried giving him options of compromises that I'd agree to.. to which he merely let me do whatever it was I wanted.. all the while myself knowing that he had an opinion he just didn't want to share it.

He refused to tell me things that might possibly in some way of any kind.. upset me. Sometimes these were minor things.. he'd broken a glass.. and sometimes these were major things.. the company was downsizing or there was something wrong with his health.

To most people.. he'd be considered a nice guy.. to me, he was a doormat. Passive-aggressive. His way of dealing (by not dealing) caused me more stress than anything. I worried. I fretted. I nearly drove myself crazy trying to get answers out of him.

Then I gave up. Really. He said it was ok to get whatever curtains I wanted. I would. I stopped consulting him on things. I did whatever I wanted. He did whatever he wanted. We had our routine and stuck to that. I pretended not to care.. until I really didn't anymore.

Probably needless to say that we drifted apart. The thing is.. the relationship probably could have been salvaged.. if only we'd had that fight. We had the anger anyway. We had the resentment. We just never had the resolution.

Since then, I've noticed how that has changed me. Downside: I don't press people for anything anymore (which often means I don't ask anyone any questions and it can look like I don't care). Upside: If someone doesn't answer me, or doesn't want to talk to me.. I move on without care to someone who does.

But I also find myself really liking a good argument (not a forced argument.. don't be silly and try to make a fight) where both viewpoints are expressed.. I find myself respecting the other person a whole ton.. and sometimes finding them sexy where before I did not.

Its not about arguing for arguement's sake.. its about the freedom to express yourself and your partner feeling free to express themselves.. its not about the conflict.. its about your ability to have it and still come to a resolution.

Its not the fight.. its the making up. Its about honesty. Its about trust. Its about making sure you’re both on the same path… Together.

Why I Hate Football...

I didn't mention it the other day... nor did I really mention this to the person who kick-started the whole train of thought which is this post.  Friday night's conversation about why I have a deep seated loathing for football, opened up some old wounds that I had forgotten. I almost broke into tears while on the phone, and almost cried about it when I got off the phone.

It honestly shocked me this sudden emotion about something so silly as football.

So I thought about it. I have good memories of football. I have great memories of football. But I also have many many horrid memories of football.

I have never watched football for the game though. Ever.  Dear Ex's.. no matter what I told you, I never ever watched football because I actually wanted to watch the game. Never. Not Once.

I grew up in Nebraska as most of you know by now. Its a huge football state. College Football. The NFL is for losers and douchebags (hey its how I was raised). 

So most of my childhood was entire fall seasons of football games. Watching them on TV when televised (rare) or listening to the game on the radio while watching or helping my dad putter around in the garage.

One of my favorite and probably earliest memories of watching football was sitting on my grandfather's lap in my parent's basement. Everyone else was doing something else. Mom & Grandma were talking something boring (I was like 5, all adult talk was boring) and my sisters were doing their usual doing something beyond my young kid skills or otherwise ostracizing me.  So I went to see if I could sneak in some TV since I was bored (we were limited to 2 hours only a day and we didn't have cable). 

There was Grandpa watching the game. I knew enough to know he wouldn't let me switch the channel, and I was not rude enough to ask. But he offered to share his easy chair with me, and let me watch the game with him. He even took the time to tell me what was happening on the screen.

I have other random memories of watching with my father and other family members. It was a social time. A bonding time. But for me, it was never about the game.

In college, one of my guy friends who I'd always wanted to date (and whom everyone else thought we were dating.. and whom ended up being gay) invited me to some Husker game parties. It was just a fun time with food, and cheering, and bonding.  But it was never about the game.

Then came my ex.

He'd gotten turned onto football a couple years earlier, and said he liked the Saints. It was the first and only team he'd ever watched live, and watched the games with his ex's father.

I've always disliked the Saints. I honestly don't give a rats-ass about most teams. Never did. I could care less if you're a Packers or Steelers or Bears or Redskins (are those all NFL football teams?) fan. But I've never liked the Saints. (I'm serious.. cheering for the Saints to me is a lot like cheering for evil or poison.. I don't know what it is.. but I just have never liked the Saints.. You know if they changed their name to the Zombies, I'd probably like them)

He said he didn't have to watch the Saints.. he just liked football. (Total lie)

One lie lead to another really. I'm not going to say its all his fault, as I'm sure I've got a hand in this too.

But what he'd told me was just a one day a week thing, suddenly became 2. Then 3. Then 4.  Anytime I wanted to go somewhere, there's a game.  It started with "I have to watch the Saint's play" to "I have to watch everyone play because it all ties into how the Saint's will do on...blah blah blah"

Sundays were completely wasted because there was the pre-pre-game, the pre-game, the introduction to the game, the game, the exit of the game, the post game, and the post-post game.

Combine this with being able to walk into the room wearing nothing but a piece of lingerie, and not be noticed (even during a post-game or pre-game show).. I began to really hate football.

Just the sound of the game in the background got my hackles up.

Soon regular NFL wasn't enough. There was the sports packages, the NFL packages, the no-one-cares old NFL game packages.. and then he got into college football. He wanted to decorate the living room in Saint's football stuff as well.

Football played 24/7 in the house. I honestly half the time didn't know if the game he was watching was "the game" or just some rerun or not.  So I didn't know if I should be nice and not interrupt or if I was free to interrupt. I was supposed to just "know".. you know.. 

So now there's a crapload of pain and anger about football and the good memories were drowning in it.  But I am healing.

At the start of this football season (and even before that) the mere mention of football, and I'd tense up. I'd get twinges of anxiety, anger, and hatred.

The other night on the phone, when asked about the SuperBowl, I discovered I wasn't angry. I really hadn't been angry when football was mentioned in weeks.. or maybe months. 

I still don't like the Saints, but I now can hear that word and the "Who Dat" without wanting to punch something.

Baby Steps.

Do's and Don'ts of Splitting

So I ran across this blog article today, and it set me off.  It's all about the Do's and Don'ts of breaking up, by Cereal Daters

Which honestly, there are good ways and bad ways to break up. Ways to do it with the least damage to other person, and with the friendship you had somewhat still intact.

And it takes communication to do it.

This article, to me, is all that is wrong with breaking up... ok.. not all.. just some.

The article first states: "Don't Tell Him"- which I assume is don't tell him why you're splitting, because not telling him you're breaking up with him is just way too immature for words.

So let me address the "don't give him the reasons".. Depending on who you're dating, reasons may or may not be needed. Some people really need them for closure. Sure leave off the stupid stuff that you know is going to light a fire (aka he leaves the seat up, his hairy ass is disgusting, or whatever) but explaining that the relationship is no longer good for you.. isn't a bad idea. Whatever you do, make it clear that you're moving on. Period. But do try to be nice about it, this is someone you used to care for. Treat them accordingly.

Next "Do Tell Your Homegirls" -  Do tell your friends that you've split. Do not however bad mouth him to them unless you can back it up. Slander and rumors are never cool. Roasting him just because you no longer want to be his girlfriend/lover will only bite you in the ass later.. not to mention makes you look petty and bitter.

"Don't play mom" - A girlfriend should never ever play mother to a man. Sorry. However, if you've been together for a while, and he truly needs your help with something that only you can help with.. Help him out. If he's making crap up like he needs you to help him change his tire, give him the number to a towing company and be done with it.  But if you've been together for a while, and his mother tragically dies soon after you've broken up and he wants you there for moral support (and you knew his family).. then be there.. platonically. No snuggling. No kissy. No pookie/sweety. If he's throwing those kind of cards, walk out. You do need to stand your ground that its over.

"Don't hang on to any sentimental items" - You had good times. You had bad times. No one is 100% bad 100% of the time. You're going to have sentimental things. You're going to grieve for the loss of those good times. Throwing away anything that reminds you of those good times seems a little overkill, but having a housefull of momentos isn't healthy either. Pick a few good memories to keep if you'd like (especially anything of re-wearable value - aka jewelry) and pack them away some place that you'll see them much less.

"Don't convince yourself that you're over-reacting" - WTF? This process should already be hashed out prior to saying goodbye. You made a choice. Stick to it. Remember your reasons for splitting. Take notes. Learn from your mistakes so you don't do the same things in your next relationship.

"Do cut off all forms of communication" - Whoah dawgies. Do you seriously have some hate on for this guy? What did he do? Do not do this for most people that you break up with. This is only needed if the person is unhealthy to have in your life in any way.  Aka drug dealer, drug addict, bad alcoholic, criminal behavior, etc. or you're actually afraid for your life. (or in cases where the person has gone completely nutso and is now harassing and stalking you.)

Going this extreme with someone sane and loving, is a good way to get them to bad mouth you to everyone they know. Everyone they meet in the future... thats a lot of people. A lot of potential dates.  Its a small world out there. Watch out what bridges you're burning.

"Don't think its okay to hang around mutual friends" - Friends are important. They will pick which side they're on. Of course, you're not going to be able to tell these friends all the sordid details of your breakup, save that for your own friends.  But don't throw the mutual friends out yet.  Once the breakup is done, you may find they're just as fun as they ever were.

I do agree with her on her last statement though..

"Do be strong... this is always easier said than done."

My main advice for breaking up ... is simple.  Be nice. Be compassionate. Listen, but be unmovable. You've made up your mind. Stick to it. Wavering will only cause you and them much more heartbreak.

Separated Rant

As someone who is relatively newly divorced, I take issue with complaints about "separated" statuses or divorced statuses. Sure sure there are creeps out there, but most of the truly married dudes aren't going to be using "separated". Instead they're going to be using "single" or "divorced", because it gets more play.

I take issue that people speak for God. And there are lots of stupid legal red tape that has little to do with love, relationships, or anything... as to why people are "separated".

How I was raised, I was completely divorced in the eyes of God the day my husband left me for another woman. His sexual congress with her and telling the world he was with her, and discarding me, more than declared in God's eyes that I was divorced according to the Christianity that I was taught. However, legally I was still married.

So in all aspects of being honest, I placed "separated" on my status until I was legally divorced.

I don't have issue with people that don't want to date "separated" people. Its not usually a good choice for long term love affairs, but not everyone is looking for something long-term anyway.

Telling someone that they cannot date because some paperwork wasn't finished, is infantile. You don't know their situation.

There are people who have been battling to get a divorce for over a year, who in honesty should have a "separated" status. Do you think it fair that they be alone for years and dateless because their ex keeps dragging out the process?

Separated can mean many things, but most of the time it means the paperwork isn't finished for whatever reasons those might be. Rarely if ever does it mean they're working on their marriage.

So maybe instead of auto-piloting into judging, you should ask questions instead. Seeing "separated" in any case shouldn't irritate you or anger you, instead be glad they're being honest and move on.

Best Vacation Ever

I had the best vacation ever. Actually, it felt like the first real vacation I've ever had. It was the first vacation I've taken since the separation/divorce. The first vacation I've taken in years that didn't include my ex or my family.

It was peaceful. It was fun. And best of all, it was completely drama-free.

No one sat on the side lines judging my every move. No one got in a huff when I couldn't eat something or needed something special (I have food allergies). No one irritated me by condescendingly suggesting "You sure you can't just eat a little?"

Since my food allergy discovery every "vacation" I've tried to make has been a complete battle, until this one.

I went to visit my long-time online/phone friend, Folder. We'd yet to meet in person, but we'd talked so often for so long that it honestly felt like just visiting an old friend. It was great, relaxing, and just go with the flow.

And when I insisted on taking over the cooking, he more than willingly let me. How freaking awesome is that?

In dealing with my ex and my family, any time I wanted to cook it became an ordeal of "What you don't think I can cook?" or "You don't think I can do it right?" or they took it as some other kind of insult or slight. But seriously, its just easier and more relaxing for me if I just fucking do it. I like cooking most of the time. I just really hate cleaning up.

And guess what!! Folder did all the clean up. Seriously was in heaven.

Then I went to visit another old friend of mine (an ex of sorts actually but so long ago an ex that well it doesn't count) and his gf/wife. They as well were easy going and more than willing to hire me on as a cook. And they did all the clean up.

I went on this vacation nervous, and slightly scared. With the ex, everytime I mentioned something allergy he treated me like I was being overly dramatic and seeking attention... so much so that I was honestly scared he'd sneak something I was allergic to into my food. With my family, while they were more understanding, they also didn't always think about things so food was russian roulette.

But I thought, WTF I need out of here and we'll see how things go.

So despite being dragged to see dinosaur bones, a car show (I am SOO not about cars or dinosaurs for that matter), and Fisherman's Wharf (for the 3rd time), I had a fantastic time.

I so love my friends. And I love the new hope I have, that life doesn't have to be a battle ground of miserable. There can be peace, and it can be good. Very Good.

Damaged

I think I might be crazy. Really. Yesterday I had a relatively innocent conversation with a guy online and I started crying. Not in a bad way, but in a relieved sort of way.

I looked back over the conversation later trying to find the point that set me off, and couldn't find one. It was simply just a regular conversation between two people talking about their lives, and briefly mentioning their divorces.

I think it was the briefly mentioning the divorces that got me initially. I rarely talk about my ex any more, and bringing up those memories tends to bring up some of my issues.

I remember we ended up talking about sex and how towards the end of his marriage he wasn't getting any. (He wasn't mentioning it in a creepy I need sex kinda way, but in a discussion about how dating has changed it was a brief mention) So I mentioned that I understood it since the last 4 yrs of my marriage was completely sexless.

Looking back, I can't believe I went that long without sex as if it was just something normal. I'd accepted it as part of my life and how my marriage just was. It wasn't my decision really, but something that just developed because of unresolved issues on his part.

It wasn't until we separated that I started to truly grasp just how messed up all that time had made me. How much I'd sacrificed needlessly. How much of myself I'd shut down and turned off. I was a husk of a woman really.

Talking to this gentleman about it, even ever so briefly, brought back to mind all those emotions and feelings.. and even the slightest thought that someone somewhere might actually understand what I went through.. thats when the tears let loose.

Its just one of the things I gave up for my marriage.. just one. Is it any wonder that when people try to get me to give up anything now that I run like the wind?

I've actually met some great guys, but they all want me to change something, or give something or compromise something. Whether its give up too much of my free time, or be free whenever they think I should, or dress a certain way, or grow my hair out, or cut my hair, or get a tan, or simply paint my toenails a different color.. it doesn't matter. The minute I feel constricted is the minute I want out.

I've tasted freedom, and I like it. I like it a lot!

More On More To Love

I watched the latest episode of "More To Love" last night. On one hand, I'm happy because he finally got rid of the bitchy-backstabber woman, on the other hand the show still disturbs me.

This time its much less him and his understanding "playboy" ways of getting fat women to love him... and much more the women themselves.

Did the show go out and find the most pathetic fat women out there? Many of them have never dated before.. those that have their previous relationships were always with some dickhead who used them.

Sure I've dated dickheads, but seriously wasn't there at least one time in their lives that they actually found a decent guy .. even for a few minutes?

Sure there's something about the bachelor on the show.. generally bordering on pathological.. something sexy about him.. but...

Well.. I guess it is hard to find a nice guy.

The thing I thought was the most disturbing was the "good wife/bad wife" game. They all sat around and judged each other on whether they'd be a good wife or a bad wife. Bitchy-backstabber woman seemed to only think that women who were level headed with good organizational skills and cooking skills could apply. Others simply voted on people they liked versus people they didn't.

So what makes for a good wife? Ask the husband. When it comes to marriage, and lasting.. its a party of two and no one else gets it. Seriously. How many couples do you know that "OMG they're getting a divorce?" and the couple staying together is one you're pretty sure they should part. Rarely does anyone else really pick the person someone ends up with, actually a lot of the time people around the happy couple are thinking "Seriously? You picked them?"

Bringing Back Sexy

It's been quiet here for a few days hasn't it? I apologize. Well, not really, because I was off having tons of fun.

My best friend from college came to visit, and it seems we tried to relive our college days. We drank, and we drank. We chatted up hot men, and drank. We went to parties, and drank.

It's actually come to a point where if I see alcohol, I get a little nauseated.

Things I learned:

1. I'm not that young anymore.

2. My liver is not that young anymore.

3. Being sick the next day is not worth it.

4. Sleep, and lots of it, is essential for mine (and others) well-being.

5. (repeat 1-4 until lesson is learned)

Now besides being sick all weekend with self-induced madness, we did have a ton of fun. But there was one more thing that I learned.

I've been out of the dating game too long.

While I learned a lot of things from my marriage and divorce, the 8 years of commitment to one person also took a toll on my skills. Dating skills it seems, if you don't use them, you lose them.

My best friend has always been single. Sure she's had her short bouts of committed dating relationships, but she's never been married or in anything that long term. When we were in college, I would run circles around her in the "chatting up guys" department. Now, she's had all these years to hone her approach, while I've been out of the loop.

She was fantastic. Her courage amazing. She would flirt with abandon with men she liked. If they took too long to ask her to dance, she'd ask them. I honestly was so awestruck that mostly I just sat there and watched.

As I watched her, I realized just how much of that I'd lost. The confidence, gone. Sure I'm much more self-confident than I ever have been, but confidence in approaching strange men for dances has been obliterated.

My former ability to flirt casually with just the right amount of wit, sexy, and sweet, has wilted into a small pile of silliness and friendship. While silliness and friendship worked well for me while I was married, its the "bringing the sexy back" that is truly the hardest part.

When you're married, you're not supposed to flirt sexy with strange men. You can flirt sexy with your spouse, or joke sexy with others that know you're married and joking, but you can't just flirt all sexy with random strangers (or you shouldn't anyway). First I have to allow myself to "bring back the sexy" before I can truly re-master the skill.

It's been getting out of this mindset of "couple" and truly and fully into the mindset of single.. that has shown me just how difficult this process is. Every day is a new step into being fully and truly single, I wonder when the process will be complete?

Women Who Hate Women Who Hate Women

I grew up in a family of all girls. So I've grown up with quite an education on how females think and behave, not that I needed it as its pretty much cemented my feelings about having close female friends. I have one close female friend. She lives in another state. It works much better that way.

Growing up, I tried to make friends with girls my age. It would last a whole 3-4 days, two weeks tops. We'd be fast friends. Share everything. Hang out together non-stop. Then suddenly without warning, I'd show up to school to find them friends with the "cool girls" and myself ostracized. This in itself would not be devastating, but soon I'd find all my secrets bandied about like some new game of emotional darts with me being the dartboard. You'd think I'd learn my lesson, but it never failed. Every-time I new girl showed up, I'd befriend her and it'd start all over.

As it got to HS, I managed to have two female friends. I was much more their friend than they were ever mine, but after grades school, I figured a friend was better than no friend. I learned not to share with them any big secrets, but because of my own ethics kept all of theirs. You would think that this would win me devotion, but alas any time we fought, they would find ways to turn the entire class against me. I should have figured out how to do that myself, but since I don't really think that way naturally I never did.

It wasn't until I got married, and through years of the marital social conditioning that being friends with men while you're married is severely hard to do unless you knew them prior to getting married, or you're willing to have an affair, that I began to see value in friendships with females. I started socializing with married women and found them to be fantastic. They were supportive, friendly, and easy to talk to. They weren't catty or back-stabby at all. I honestly had started to love being friends with women, and wondered why I was ever really friends with men.

Then the divorce..

Divorce puts a whole different spin on things...and as much as I loved my married women friends, I found myself separating from them. I didn't really mean to, but I was embarrassed at not being able to hold my marriage together. I didn't want their pity or judgement. But what was worse, was sitting there with them and listening to them talk about their happy marriages. I am sooo happy for them that they're in good relationships and happy, but I just couldn't be around it.

So I began seeking out new women friends. Single women friends. People to go out with, hang with, talk about single life, dating, etc. I thought maybe since we're older that I'd be able to find mature women who were like my married women friends.

I currently have one woman friend who has potential to be trusted. The problem is that I don't necessarily like being around her very much as she has a tendency to interrupt me or talk over me without thinking. I'm told its a New Yorker thing, but its kinda annoying.

Every other girl that I've tried to be friends with has failed miserably. We're still nice and civil, and if I need a movie buddy I'd give a one of them a call, but I don't trust them, especially not with men.

Before the separation, I had a couple friends who were in a writers group with me. One was single, the other in a long-term relationship. We'd hang out after our meetings and talk, and they'd occasionally invite me to do things. We ended up in several groups together and hung out at least once a week. After the separation, I got a little needy, depressed. They now will only recognize my presence if I say "Hi" first.

Next lesson, I was friends with this geeky guy, Theo, who I adore, but there will never be anything more than friends. I knew this. He knew this. We embraced the friendship. We were so much friends that people actually started to think we were dating. Neither of us cared, we were just friends. In our circle of friends though, was this one older woman. She always seemed to be the life of the party, and something about her made me think we'd not be good friends, but since she was quite an institution in the circle.. I tried.

She was nice to me. She let me into her circle of friends. Invited me over to parties at her place. Then about a month later, she and I are walking out to our cars after a happy hour, and she questions me about Theo.

"Do you know that he's into you?" I laughed at her. I said, no we're just friends. She insisted that we weren't, and that she knew Theo had feelings for me. I clarified that she must have misunderstood him, and told her about an attempted kiss, and the "turn down" he gave me (this was of course before I got to know him and realized I really wasn't interested).

She was appalled. How dare Theo treat me that way. I shouldn't even be friends with him. On and on about how much of a dick Theo was, and how horrid it was for me to even try to be friends with him. I told her it was fine, no biggie, and that I enjoyed the friendship... but she kept on. I smiled and nodded. Then we parted and went home.

From that conversation onward, she monopolized Theo. She was everywhere he was. She told him what to think, what to wear, and where to go... and any time he tried to talk to any girl, she'd show up and distract him. He and I have barely been able to speak two words since. Two weeks after this conversation, she and Theo were making out like teenagers romping up for public sex.

She's nice to me in public, and makes a presentation that she's trying to be friends with me (I assume for Theo's sake). But I'm no longer invited to her parties, and she no longer talks to me like a good friend. I guess she got what she wanted.

Third lesson: I decided to branch out and go to a Brewery party. My new friend Evie was there, and she introduced me to a few people. Then this guy came over. He had a beautiful friendly dog, and I'm a sucker for well-behaved dogs, and he was kinda cute. So I went up to him and talked to him and played with his dog. Not long after, Evie came up to say hi to him.

A group of us were deciding where to go next, and I insisted that the new guy come join us. I invited him, got his number, gave him mine. I then coordinated that we'd all meet, and when.

When we met later, Evie did her best to monopolize his conversation. She started talking sexual things, things that I might talk about in private but not in public and not in a first meeting. So my choices if I stayed in the conversation were to look like a slut or be a prude. It was a no-win. Toward the end of the night, I had managed to talk to him while she was in the bathroom, and I thought we were getting somewhere. She came out, and sexily convinced him to rub her feet. (She did this kinda thing not once, but every time we hang out if males are present.. even if she's already on a date with someone else.)

Fourth lesson: I met this girl through a friend of mine, to fully understand why she's no longer on my 'trust' list, let me give you a bit of background. We hit it off at first as we have a lot in common and we both tend to be a little opinionated. While I can be a pain in the ass, I'm generally more go-with-the-flow as long as its not injurious to my health. She however made a huge scene at a restaurant about her food not being "as advertised" and made them remake it. Then when they remade it like she wanted it, she had talked herself into a tizzy about them spitting in it so she wasn't going to give them the "satisfaction" of seeing her eat it. Besides this incident, she is abrasive, demanding, and so boy-crazy that she's alienated all my other friends.

The last straw though was last weeks happy hour. She insisted that I go with her, and since it was merely a couple blocks from my place I complied. Shortly after arriving, we were sitting with two rather handsome men talking. She said jokingly serious quite out of the blue, "I'm easier to get along with than her." To which my initial reaction was an open mouthed "WTF" expression, and then laughter at my own thoughts of "OMG how delusional is she?"

So I think I'm done with single female friends. Sure if I need to hang with a girl, I might call one up, but we won't be going out. Maybe I'm just not meeting the right women. I don't know. But in the last 6 months, I've had enough.

Communication: An Essential for Online Dating

On Friday night, about 3 am, I received a message on Facebook from a man not of my acquaintance, which in itself is not completely unusual. I am rather attractive, and I have a quite common "look" that I'm often mistaken for someone else, but thats another story for another time. I also, a long long time ago, joined an application on Facebook (FB) for dating called "Are You Interested?" and have occasionally received friend requests or messages from men finding me through that application. So the mere contact of a strange man was not foreign to me.

What was strange to me was his method of approach. He merely said in his FB email..

"are you there?"

Rather ominous from a strange man. I clicked his profile, and found nothing of any interest except that his network was Ontario, Canada which I live no where near. I jogged my brain to figure out who this was. Surely with such a brief question, I must know him from somewhere, so I replied.

"maybe? who are you?"

He then replied with a much larger email.

"Hi Beautiful,

Let me start with I'm so happy and glad to hear back from you, and I should also thank you for taking your convenience time to write me, it's really a pleasure for that.

I am Divorced and a father of 1 boy he is 14years old. Her mum died when she was 3yrs old. I Have been dealing with the loneliness while taking good care of my son all together, though it has not been easy for me to take 3 scheduled steps at a time, but I really have to. it's my own duty, and I should also count my son as my #1 priority in life. I hope you know what kids means to parents.can we chat on yahoo messenger id?(his yahoo id),i will be waiting for reply."

Whoa dawgies. Ok, let me read this again. Sentence 1, he has a boy. Sentence 2, her mum? Wtf? What 3 steps? What in the hell is he talking about?

In an attempt to clarify, I wrote back.

"ok.. umm.. you didn't really say who you were. Or maybe I should ask, why you're msging me? or how you found me?

You also seem a little confused on the sex of your own child."

He replied,

"I was looking for a woman to spend the rest of my life with,and when i saw you i decided to mail you and the sex of my child is boy.."

Well why in the hell didn't you just say so in the first place!! Sheesh. Still no clarification of how he found me, but I decided to let it go.

"ah.. ok.. I assume then you found me though "Are you interested?"

So you're divorced? How long divorced? And what did you mean by 3 scheduled steps?"

I wanted to see just how fresh his divorce was, and hoping that I could get some relatively straight answers from him.

He replied, "i lost my wife 10yrs ago and i need some else now because of my boy,i will appreciate if we can work thing out."

Boggle. Either the man has horrid luck by getting a divorce from his wife and the mother of his child dying at the same time.. or its one person and he got a divorce and then she died.. or she died, and he recently got a divorce from someone else which he's not mentioning. Or maybe in Whackoville, Ontario, Canada, widower and divorcee are the same thing?

He still hadn't answered what in the hell the 3 steps were, but it didn't really matter. "i need someone now because of my boy" was entirely enough to stop all contact. I'm not sure what his boy has to do with him needing to find a wife now, and I'm not sure I want to know. I assume he wanted a "mother" for his child, or a live-in nanny he could screw.

I want a man who wants me for me, for him.

Happens Every Day

Happens Every Day by Isabel Gillies

If you've recently been divorced, do not read this book. I love to read, and to discuss books, so of course I'm in a book club. This was the book for today's discussion, and of course, I felt compelled to read it and discuss it.

The book is written well. Grammar and all that. Its not a tough read by intellectual standards (I was not looking up every other word for its meaning).

But reading the book, was not unlike taking sandpaper to my heart. Or maybe more like pour salt on wounds that I'd thought were healed.

In ways I had it easier than her. We didn't have kids. We didn't have mutual friends (or not many). We didn't live in a small town.

When my ex left, he left. No contact. No talking. There was no begging him to come back even if I wanted him to, and no answers to my many questions of "Why?".

But he'd checked out of the relationship many years before, and like her ex he waited until he'd found someone else to leave and communicate that he was even leaning towards it. Once he'd decided, like my ex, that was it.

There was nothing to do or say. It was done.

Today is the cesspool of emotions dragged up by this book, and reliving my own separation and divorce. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk.

And while I don't want to be around anyone, I really don't want to be alone. And today, I feel very alone.

Dating Again

Its been 6 months, 24 days, and.. well thats as far as I'm counting.. since he walked out. Its been 1 month, 15 days since the divorce was final.

The first month was hard. The second month was hard. The rest are just a blur of stress and activity, moving, and legalese.

I really thought I was fine. Sure I had some pain initially, but I knew it was for the best. Getting us to the point of being happy together had become more and more evident that one of us was going to need a lobotomy or a complete brain transplant. I had sacrificed everything I could imagine, so I wasn't signing up for the procedure, and he decided it was best to leave.

Part of his decision to call it quits was that he was already involved with someone else, but I know that wasn't all of it. Things were bad for a long time, and had I had the conscience to find someone else I probably would have myself.

I faced the divorce with peace, despite bouts of extreme desire to see him publicly castrated which I pictured in my head, smiled, and resumed my day.

So I thought I was fine. I'd processed it. I'd taken time to myself. I've even dated some. I was going to be fine, superb, the epitome of "I'm awesome, and you all know it."

But I'm not fine. Sure I have less baggage than some divorcees, but each day I find new things.. new small bags that pop up.. and I realize just how damaged I am.

So I decided to blog about my adventures in overcoming my own baggage, and trying to date again.