I Can Do IT Myself

I've reached a point of clarity I think. Or at least I feel like I have a plan, a goal, something to work for..

Mostly, I have hope which has been lacking in the last few weeks, and a very observant man told me that a depressing theme has ran through this blog lately. Hopefully, that is now over. (Everyone cross your fingers.)

Since my ex left, I've been in a recovery from the tailspin. For many reasons which I've not gone into detail here, and I most likely won't, I've not had a good long-term outlook for potential employment. It was part of the reason that I was a housewife.

To put it simply... 

Worst case scenario: I may end up living in a bubble (almost literally).. meaning I may not be able to leave my home except for extenuating circumstances.

Best case scenario: I may never need to worry about any of this ever again, and can do whatever, whenever I want with no worries.

Best case scenario right now though is more of a fantasy than a reality, which is what I was trying to get at in my previous post about Self-Analysis.  I cannot plan on it.

I did realize the other day that I instead can make the best of this bad situation, so for the last several days I've been brainstorming career moves.

If I'm going to be saddled with living in a bubble, its going to be the Taj Mahal of bubbles, damn it! (So I need to pull in some dough)

Once I embraced this, and embraced that I am currently alone and can't expect others to build it for me.. (and discarded a bunch of self-pity I'd been holding onto)

I began to feel empowered in a way I've not felt since this whole bubble thing first was threatened on me. I've always been a "I can do it myself" person. Even from infancy, but somewhere along the road I forgot it.

I also began thinking of all the things I want to do, and things I've been wanting to do for a while now. Business plans, projects, and philanthropic ventures.  As I began thinking about those, I would discard one after another for either being a pipedream (inventing shoes that constantly keep your feet at a suitable temperature is a bit out of my skill-set) and other ideas because they would require work from others which I cannot pay for right now.

Most of this work that I would need someone else to do is computer related and something that would have been in the skillset of my ex or several of my exes.

I also realized that I don't really have a tech guy in the wings that I can run to for these things as I've always had in the past.  I ran through my memories of past relationships and almost every computer problem or upgrade or even building a new machine... was done either by a guy in my life or with the supervision of a guy in my life.

Despite the fact that since I discovered the internet in 1992 (I think that was the year) I've never been without a computer and have always spent a good portion of every day on one... I myself have never really sought out learning more about them (unless I needed to.. I like to do things myself, so yes I made them teach me the stuff I needed to know) and in part have been spoon fed everything I know about whats new in computers from the guys I've dated.

This spoon-feeding is gone.  I left my network of "go-to" geeks  in Chicago, and lost touch with many of them as they married and as I married.  With my ex no longer in the picture, there is this gaping tech hole.

I think part of the reason I love tech-geeks is that I really do like computers.  But like mowing the lawn or changing the oil in my car, I've considered it a guy's job.  Not that I couldn't do it, but a skill-set that I was lacking. 

And if I'm honest.. I also think it was partly a way for me to be that "Damsel in distress" and a way for them to be the "Hero".

I know this was the case with my ex.  When my ex and I got together, I was pretty tech-savvy for the time period.  Hardware mostly, but tech-savvy.  When we got married, I sort of dropped the tech.  He had a Masters in computers and could spin circles around me... he also didn't have the patience to teach me anything and preferred to be the "Hero".. So I let him and I concentrated my efforts on my skills that he was lacking.  And had the relationship worked, this division of labor would have been ok.

So there's a void in my geek contact. Majorly.  And part of me wants to fill that void with a nice tech-savvy sexy geek.

But as I thought about it, geeks and me haven't had the most successful track-record. Do I really want to limit my dating pool that much?  Is it really realistic? Isn't it a bit too superficial?

Anyway, it dawned on me that I really like working with computers. So I began investigating careers, and what it would take for me to get some skills to make a living.

The more I read. The more I loved it. The more excited I got.

I've always thought of myself as a geek-wannabe or a geek-groupie, but what I'm starting to realize is that I really am a geek.

and

I really don't need someone else to be geek for me.. I can do it myself!

My Men Friends

My men friends. I have a ton. I like them.

Like most people, I categorize my friends. Some do this consciously, but usually this is an unconscious decision.. aka it just happens. Don't even try to tell me that you don't do this.. cuz I know you do.

My men friends are categorized in several categories:

1. Brothers - These are generally my "turn to" guys for support when I need a good shoulder to cry on or help with something. These are also men friends who have seen me through some really rough times. I would do anything for these guys and they for me. If I could pick my family, these men would be first choice. Like brothers though, we've moved beyond sexuality and we don't even go there.

2. Good Pals - These are generally men who are in the running for "brotherhood" but haven't been quite been ruled out as sexual partners... or they've been ruled out but I'm not sure how far to trust them... aka I'm not sure how fair-weather they are. Often these are the guys that I'd like to date if they were interested in me like that. (or ones that I'd date if I was interested in them like that, though those are few as often they try to make things more and uncomfortable - these generally tend to stay as Acquaintances or Pals)

3. Pals - Men I like to hang with. Possibly considering dating, maybe.. maybe not. We're not not friends.. but we're not really good friends either. More than just an acquaintance. These either develop into a relationship or a Good pal... sometimes both.

4. Acquaintances - I barely know them, but they're fun to hang with when I see them. I don't usually invite them anywhere and we don't really hang out, but we catch up on each others lives when we see each other.

5. Bad Pals - Guys that get into this box are generally there of their own choosing. They've either point blank said "We should just be friends" or something similar, and like to attempt to manipulate. They like to play games and get into your head. They want to be friends but still fuck you. These are likely to "fuck you over" and as such only get my time when I want to bat at something. Guys usually graduate from this category quickly either into Acquaintances or they're gone, very few make it to Good Pals. There are a few that stay in this box for years, they only make it out of this box should they disappear or declare their love for me in a public arena so as to remove all ambiguity of their position.

I know some people have different rules for their male friends, and lots of people who don't stay friends with their exes. I'm not really that way. If I've invested time and energy into getting to know you and we've shared some good times.. we like each other... Why in the hell toss out the friendship we built?

But there was something that brought us together. Something that kept us together. Concentrating on the good times, the times shared and focusing those into building something lasting.

There are 3 good reasons to toss out a friendship:
1. One of you cannot accept things as they are.
2. You find you really don't like the person in the first place. (means you're probably a sucky judge of character or you're holding onto some major resentment.. see also rule #1)
3. You're stuck in a rut of wishing for what is not. See #1.

Most of the time, this means just taking a time out.. a few weeks.. months.. whatever, until you or they have healed. Occasionally you'll find that they or you just is not mature enough to move on as friends. It happens.

That said, most of my exes are friends. Some are actually brothers. Most are just good pals.. and some have fallen into the realms of Acquaintances as some friendships just do overtime. Some friends stay close and some fade away... and some like family, no matter how far you go you know they'll always be there.

In the past, this has been a huge deal breaker with men that I date. They can't get over that I'm hanging out with exes, or that I want them to hang out with my friends (some of which were exes)

I also used to have problems with men I dated still being friends with their ex-girlfriends.. and now I kinda like it. You can tell a lot about a man by meeting his ex.

By the mid-thirties, if a man isn't at least friendly with one of his exes... I'm not sure I want to know him. He either makes horrid choices in women or has the heart of a stone.

Clinging to Terror & Bad Memories

He's back. And we're talking. If you remember last month I wrote about an old "friend" of mine, Luke, and the hold he used to have over me.

He seems to know when I'm having the hardest times, and pops in. My only saving grace is that he's miles and miles away.

See.. he's known me for too long that he knows all the right buttons to push. What to say. What to do. He could hold a class on how to seduce me.

Last time we'd talked, I scolded him for quitting Facebook. It's how most of our mutual friends keep in touch, and him not being there is like we're missing a spoke or something. Like a class reunion, where one of your good old friends isn't there. Besides its a good way to keep in touch, without really being in touch, which is how I prefer things to be with Luke.

So yesterday he logged into Facebook, and immediately sent me a message. What started out as a joking/teasing thread, suddenly turned into something more on his part (he now signs all his emails to me with "kiss").. and if I'm truly being honest.. something a little bit more on my part.

He's not playing fair either. The pictures he's posted are all of him being happy and playing with his young child. He's a fantastic father, something I always knew that he would be, and since somehow a few years ago I became possessed by a child-wanting spirit.. I'm envious, jealous, and...

I know he wants more children. From things he's stated in the past, I know he's approved of me as a mother. Not actually came out and said that he wants me for himself.. but enough to know that he wouldn't mind having kids with me.

Its a heady thing. Seeing that you could get the "things" you want.. and that that person is showing clear interest in you.

But as much as he makes me remember the good times.. hints, teases, reminders.. "Do you remember when...?" I have to keep reminding myself of the bad times, the emotional torture, and how badly he messed with my head.

I know he's changed a lot.. but I am terrified to trust him again like that. Terrified... and yet what he has to offer is so tempting.. that I'm clinging to that terror for life support.