Clinging to Terror & Bad Memories

He's back. And we're talking. If you remember last month I wrote about an old "friend" of mine, Luke, and the hold he used to have over me.

He seems to know when I'm having the hardest times, and pops in. My only saving grace is that he's miles and miles away.

See.. he's known me for too long that he knows all the right buttons to push. What to say. What to do. He could hold a class on how to seduce me.

Last time we'd talked, I scolded him for quitting Facebook. It's how most of our mutual friends keep in touch, and him not being there is like we're missing a spoke or something. Like a class reunion, where one of your good old friends isn't there. Besides its a good way to keep in touch, without really being in touch, which is how I prefer things to be with Luke.

So yesterday he logged into Facebook, and immediately sent me a message. What started out as a joking/teasing thread, suddenly turned into something more on his part (he now signs all his emails to me with "kiss").. and if I'm truly being honest.. something a little bit more on my part.

He's not playing fair either. The pictures he's posted are all of him being happy and playing with his young child. He's a fantastic father, something I always knew that he would be, and since somehow a few years ago I became possessed by a child-wanting spirit.. I'm envious, jealous, and...

I know he wants more children. From things he's stated in the past, I know he's approved of me as a mother. Not actually came out and said that he wants me for himself.. but enough to know that he wouldn't mind having kids with me.

Its a heady thing. Seeing that you could get the "things" you want.. and that that person is showing clear interest in you.

But as much as he makes me remember the good times.. hints, teases, reminders.. "Do you remember when...?" I have to keep reminding myself of the bad times, the emotional torture, and how badly he messed with my head.

I know he's changed a lot.. but I am terrified to trust him again like that. Terrified... and yet what he has to offer is so tempting.. that I'm clinging to that terror for life support.

Slowly Getting To Know You (maybe?)

Sunday I was completely glad that I'd taken Halloween off. It was a busy day.

I started out my day with my bookclub. We were reading Frankenstein. I'll warn you that if you haven't read it.. Don't. Its nothing like the movies, and completely full of whining and repetition. It is a great book though for when it was written and some of the concepts within it.. but its not a good read in my opinion. (-waits for the villagers to come kill her-)

The bookclub went fine, and I finally got to see my old crush and talk to him for a while. We'll just call him Mr. Lawyer. He is the sexiest nicest man ever... ok I exaggerate, but its my tale and I'll do that if I want. :) I may be biased.

After bookclub was Gingerman. Gingerman as I've mentioned before is my favorite bar, and as luck would have it my friends were gathering there right after my bookclub finished, and the Gingerman is 2 blocks away from my bookclub. Wild horses couldn't have kept me away!

Plus.. Don was supposed to be there.

Two blocks, Favorite Bar, and Don? Oh hell yes!

I get there just a bit early, and get a pint down before people start arriving. I hadn't planned on organizing the group; it just happened. It was a ton of fun catching up with some people I've not seen in ages.

Then Don arrived. Since I'd gotten tied into organizing and greeting, I was surrounded by people and already in conversation. I caught his eye and smiled.

He'd gone back to the bar and grabbed himself a beer, then came back and sat at a couch near me. As soon as he could manage to get a work in edgewise he asked.

"So what did you end up doing the other night after you left?"

At this point, and with the look in his eyes, I'd have loved to had a huge story about a fabulous party I went to, or a date.. or something jealousy inducing. Instead I told him that I'd come with Evie and had to leave with her or bribe someone to take me to my car.

He was unimpressed with my story, and then asked about my Halloween. Halloween, as you all know, was even less impressive, but since I was more than happily proud of it being that way, it wasn't a sad story.

As it turned out, most of the people at Gingerman's were not as blissfully happy with how their Halloween had turned out. Some in fact were quite adamantly jealous of mine.

Don and I talked for a while talking only to each other despite the fact that several people were between us. It didn't last long as most people in the middle of a conversation join it, or leave. Since these people all know both of us, they were more than happy to chime in. Thus I got distracted talking to people closer to me, and Don, seeing that his best bud arrived, moved way across the room to join him.

Don actually moved around the room several times, talking to nearly everyone. While that is normally my way of doing things, I just didn't feel like it. Instead, I sat in the same exact seat the entire night. I figured if people wanted to talk to me they could come to me, and amazingly they did.

Most of the time the seats around me were filled by friends or new people wanting to be friends, or by people who just wanted to sit on the comfy couch. It was a very comfy seat, which was another reason I didn't move around. I managed to meet everyone without any real effort. I felt like a queen. It was awesome.

Unfortunately, with the seats being filled it was nearly impossible for Don to sit close to me if he even wanted. But at one point he did manage to sit next to me on the couch.

Now I don't know for sure that he sat on the couch next to me to be close to me, as there was a cute girl sitting on the other side of his seat on the couch and he did talk to her almost more than he was talking to me (or maybe thats my perception based on insecurities?).

But we did flirt quite often even from across the room. I was always catching him looking in my direction, either on purpose or by casual I don't know, but I'd make little funny communicative faces then smile or laugh as appropriate.

The looks I gave him were along the lines of "I know you're staring me I'm so hot you can't help it" followed by a flirty laugh, "I'm pretending to be mad at you, see how mad I can look" followed by a smile, "Are you stalking me?" followed by a smile which said "if so, I like it", "I caught you looking at me, do I have spinach in my teeth? or something?"...

It actually was quite funny, and he was getting a kick out of it as well. Like he was on Friday, he also was fitting in more sexual inuendos in conversations with me or where I was present. Up until lately he'd be quite reserved in his conversations around me, so I'm thinking he might be a little interested or he's just comfortable around me now.

Its a little hard for me to remember our entire conversation, but I gave as good as I got.

Throughout the evening the group had talked about sitting in the livingroom setting or sitting outside in the nice weather. I gave many many reasons for my choice of inside and everyone except the smokers were more than happy to be inside. But after a few beers, I get a little frisky.

I had just come back from the bar with my 3rd or 4th beer, and saw Don standing alone by the door to the patio. So I struck up conversation..

"See thats another reason I chose to sit inside. The hard benches. Don't get me wrong, I like hard things.. just not benches."

I smiled and walked away. I think he was a little stunned, as it took him a moment but he called out after me as I walked away.

"Good flirt! Very good flirt!"

I turned and smiled at him, mimicked a curtsey, and replied, "Thank You, I'm here all night."

We played this cat-mouse game the rest of the night, until he went home. This time though he did come find me (which wasn't hard since I was on his way out) and told me he was heading home. We hugged goodbye, and I being a little tipsy was tempted to kiss his neck.. he smells so good, not cologne good but man-good.. but I didn't.. I behaved.

After he left though, I ran into one of the girls and we began to talking. She brought up Don, and said she had trouble figuring him out. She couldn't tell if he was interested in her or not.

My hopes sunk a little with that.

Date or Sex Buddy Audition?

Ok.. I knew there was something I was forgetting yesterday when I was posting updates..

Do you remember Mr One-Arm Hug date that I went on last week? The one I was waiting on an email and was certain it was pretty much a failure?

He emailed me on Friday. He stated that he had a good time and

"Maybe we could get together again sometime."

Which I took as, the equivalent of letting me down easy. And being in a bitchy mood about his two-day wait to email me, I decided to wait to email him back. I finally emailed him last night (nearly a 3-day wait).

He happened to be online when I emailed him, and he emailed me back straight away asking if I had a hot tub at my place, and that he'd really like to get together again, grab a drink and soak with me.

Alarm bells are going off in my head. Am I just a pessimist? Maybe I am, but I'm getting the impression that he just wants sex. Maybe I'm wrong. I suppose I should take it as a good sign that he at least wants to see me in less clothes and a more intimate setting.

I'm heading to California to visit some friends for a week, so I wrote him back saying that no I don't have a hot tub and that I'm going to be out of town for a while and maybe we can get together once I get back.

He switched to IM. He really wants to get together soon, and asked the date of my return. Once I told him, he wanted to get together as soon as I got back. Which I'd take as a very damn good sign, if I could get the thoughts of "all he wants is sex" out of my head.

He was very excited about the possibility of a hot tub, and said, "If I find a hot tub, will you soak with me?"

I thought about it. Thought some more. Then figured.. oh what the hell.. if all he wants is sex its better to find it out now. So I agreed.

He's currently on a mission to find one. (I'm seriously hoping that he fails. Anyone else think that he just wants sex?).

-- On a separate note, my workaholic sex-buddy contacted me and wants to get together. We may or may not get together tonight (depends on his work). Some days I really love being single.