Opposite Sex Friendships

Dear R. Don Steele,

You are an ignorant ass. Sure sure, the affection mentioned in the letter between the girlfriend and her guy friend is a big red flag.

But to say point blank that guys and girls cannot be friends... Whoa Dawgies!

Please come out of the dark ages and join the rest of us in civilization.

To say that guys and girls cannot be friends.. is pretty much to also say that a gay guy and a straight man cannot be friends, a lesbian and a straight girl cannot be friends... actually you might as well as say lesbians cannot be friends, nor can homosexuals be friends with each other.

Its possible that you're too locked into your penis that you honestly believe that everyone else has such a huge urge to copulate that they'll jump anyone suitable for the task.

Or maybe its perhaps you find nothing valid in the opposite sex worth being friends with them. Are you secretly a misogynist?

Hope you have a good knuckle-dragging life,

Maruska

******

My response to that lovely letter would be...

Dear Richard,

You need to talk to her. Calmly. She's with you. She's chosen you. So if she's doing something questionable, you need to set the pattern now in your relationship that you two talk. Communication is key to any relationship.

She needs to know that his physical attention to her makes you uncomfortable, and makes you wonder about her fidelity. You want to trust her, but you're not used to this kind of friendship.

If she does not stop allowing this guy to cuddle with her in public, then you have your answer. If she's really with you, she'll work this out with you so you're both happy.

Do not however make her choose between a "long time friend" and you. He could be a FWB or just a good friend.. if you throw this card for jealousy reasons, she'll toss you to the curb no questions asked. As the saying goes, "Bros before Hoes", he's her bro, you're the ho.

If you want to make this relationship last, you are going to have to stick in there. Show her that you trust her and you're there for the long haul, but that she's yours and you want the world to have no questions about that.

Talk to her.

-Maruska

My Men Friends

My men friends. I have a ton. I like them.

Like most people, I categorize my friends. Some do this consciously, but usually this is an unconscious decision.. aka it just happens. Don't even try to tell me that you don't do this.. cuz I know you do.

My men friends are categorized in several categories:

1. Brothers - These are generally my "turn to" guys for support when I need a good shoulder to cry on or help with something. These are also men friends who have seen me through some really rough times. I would do anything for these guys and they for me. If I could pick my family, these men would be first choice. Like brothers though, we've moved beyond sexuality and we don't even go there.

2. Good Pals - These are generally men who are in the running for "brotherhood" but haven't been quite been ruled out as sexual partners... or they've been ruled out but I'm not sure how far to trust them... aka I'm not sure how fair-weather they are. Often these are the guys that I'd like to date if they were interested in me like that. (or ones that I'd date if I was interested in them like that, though those are few as often they try to make things more and uncomfortable - these generally tend to stay as Acquaintances or Pals)

3. Pals - Men I like to hang with. Possibly considering dating, maybe.. maybe not. We're not not friends.. but we're not really good friends either. More than just an acquaintance. These either develop into a relationship or a Good pal... sometimes both.

4. Acquaintances - I barely know them, but they're fun to hang with when I see them. I don't usually invite them anywhere and we don't really hang out, but we catch up on each others lives when we see each other.

5. Bad Pals - Guys that get into this box are generally there of their own choosing. They've either point blank said "We should just be friends" or something similar, and like to attempt to manipulate. They like to play games and get into your head. They want to be friends but still fuck you. These are likely to "fuck you over" and as such only get my time when I want to bat at something. Guys usually graduate from this category quickly either into Acquaintances or they're gone, very few make it to Good Pals. There are a few that stay in this box for years, they only make it out of this box should they disappear or declare their love for me in a public arena so as to remove all ambiguity of their position.

I know some people have different rules for their male friends, and lots of people who don't stay friends with their exes. I'm not really that way. If I've invested time and energy into getting to know you and we've shared some good times.. we like each other... Why in the hell toss out the friendship we built?

But there was something that brought us together. Something that kept us together. Concentrating on the good times, the times shared and focusing those into building something lasting.

There are 3 good reasons to toss out a friendship:
1. One of you cannot accept things as they are.
2. You find you really don't like the person in the first place. (means you're probably a sucky judge of character or you're holding onto some major resentment.. see also rule #1)
3. You're stuck in a rut of wishing for what is not. See #1.

Most of the time, this means just taking a time out.. a few weeks.. months.. whatever, until you or they have healed. Occasionally you'll find that they or you just is not mature enough to move on as friends. It happens.

That said, most of my exes are friends. Some are actually brothers. Most are just good pals.. and some have fallen into the realms of Acquaintances as some friendships just do overtime. Some friends stay close and some fade away... and some like family, no matter how far you go you know they'll always be there.

In the past, this has been a huge deal breaker with men that I date. They can't get over that I'm hanging out with exes, or that I want them to hang out with my friends (some of which were exes)

I also used to have problems with men I dated still being friends with their ex-girlfriends.. and now I kinda like it. You can tell a lot about a man by meeting his ex.

By the mid-thirties, if a man isn't at least friendly with one of his exes... I'm not sure I want to know him. He either makes horrid choices in women or has the heart of a stone.

Thanksgiving Manservant

I got up early and got the brisket trimmed, sliced and ready. Ran out for some more potatoes. Made pie crust. Peeled, sliced, and prepped 12 granny smith apples for pie. Peeled, diced, and prepped a 3lb bag of potatoes for mashed potatoes.

By the time I actually made it to Gail's house for Thanksgiving, I was tired and dragging. Not exactly how I wanted to show up, but I put on a smile and did my best to pretend otherwise. Soon I got my energy back, which of course left again after eating way too much.

Most of the time was waiting for people to arrive, waiting to eat, waiting to finish eating, waiting for dessert, waiting to play a game. It honestly took me a lot of patience and reminding myself that this was "their" circle and "their" house.. and although I was a guest, I should adhere to their pace. We started at 3, started eating at 4, and yet it was nearly 8 before we started playing games.

It was a good time though, and they have good choice in friends. I am also extremely impressed with them and I may have to hang out with them more to take notes.

Mary (Gail's roomate and owner of the house) had all the men pretty much eating out of the palm of her hand. She's not that attractive. Just average. But she'd say "Do this" and they would. Outside of some fetish relationships, I've never witnessed this without sex being some kind of reward. She was not sleeping with any of them, and most of them had women of their own.

Actually, Boggs, the guy I sort of liked from the night before.. I totally want him now. He comes up to Austin every once in a while and just does handyman jobs for her if she needs it. It was freaking cold up here during Thanksgiving, and he put up the lights all around the outside of the house. He helped cook in the kitchen and helped clean up. Anything that needed done, she'd ask him to do it and he would.

Gimme Gimme!! :)

Totally want a manservant like that. I may have to start holding auditions.

Keep 'em Coming And Make 'em Strong

Saturday night I went out with Getty, my dog-sitting friend who saved me lots of money sitting my dog while I went to Cali this last summer, and who hooked me up with the best sex night I've had this year.

I hadn't seen or talked to her in weeks, and wondered if I'd pissed her off, but alas no. She's just been antisocial and in a negative mood she said. So..

1. Yay there still a possibility she might dog-sit in the future someday.
2. Damn that means I still have to deal with her if I want her to sit for my dog again.

Honestly, there are times hanging with her isn't a bad thing. And there are times when hanging with her is excruciating torture. Unfortunately, this was pretty close to torture, and definitely excruciating.

I initially wanted to go see a movie, but she didn't want to see "Men Who Stare At Goats". She wanted to see some horror flick. I can't recall the title, but

ME + HORROR = A. Nightmares for a week. B. Freaking out everywhere I go when something happens or resembles something that happened in said-movie C. Screaming like a little girl with my eyes covered and my fingers in my ears the entire movie. D. Walking out of the movie after slugging the person who talked me into watching the movie in the arm. E. Several of the Above. F. All of the Above

So I just refuse to watch anything horror. Trust me. Its safer for you and me.

Anyway, we couldn't agree on a movie which wasn't a problem. No biggie. So we decided to go out to eat, and she talked me into going to Cool River. So I got all gussied up and met her there.

Now on the phone prior to going to eat, she'd talked non-stop and barely let me get any kind of word in unless it was discussing where to go and then she'd only let me get the name of the place in before she'd start in again. Annoying but I figured she'd calm down in person.

She did not.

Instead, she was all about telling me every thought that came into her head and every little judgement of whatever inane thing that came across her mind. If I disagreed with her, and attempted to express my opinion I would barely get one or two words out and she'd continue talking. She did not listen nor did she give me any feedback language indicating that she even understood my actual point (really how could she when I didn't even finish one sentence?). She did however notice that I was getting frustrated and politely said,

"I know you're point, but ... " and continued on without me.

To which I swear my head spinned and flames shot out of my eyes. In my head, I was thinking "OMG how the fucking hell could you possibly know my point when you don't even listen to a freaking word I'm saying? Really?"

She switched subjects often as one subject reminded her of another subject.

So I tried to give up talking to her and just sat there eating my food. She did not stop talking even then. She did not really pause. She just kept going like she was loaded with Duracell and covered in faux-bunny-fur.

"I just don't understand how people feel its their responsibility to shove their food tastes on you! I don't like fish, damn it. Tell me, how in the hell does it affect their lives if I don't taste their freaking fish dish?"

Now you might think that this would require a response. I know I thought so too. And it actually did. She paused and waited until I attempted one. If I waited too long to respond, she'd repeat the whole rant and end with the question. So I tried to reply:

"Well some people..."

She started up again, and went further on her rant. So when the same question came around again, I decided to answer it differently.

"It shouldn't really..."

And I was cut off again. It went like this from subject to subject to subject. Her expressing her opinions like verbal vomit, and myself pretending to be totally unaffected by it. (I did once actually raise my voice to her and tell her to shut up and listen to me, I'm not normally that rude but she wasn't giving me a choice, to which she turned all pouty, silent, and sullenly angry. The kind of listening that a 5 yr old does when they don't get their way... aka not at all.)

She did go on a rant about some guy who walked away from her saying "You're way negative. I just cannot be around such negativity." And she went on and on about 10 minutes on how he must have something wrong with him. It was all I could do not to laugh as she had been proving his point over and over all night.

By the end of the night, I had a massive headache. I put in my time, and I'm not really sure having a dog-sitter-friend is worth all of this.

I do know that it will be a long time until I subject myself to a one-on-one with her again. There is not enough alcohol in the world.

Where Can I Meet Someone?

I've been asked several times or at least have heard it bandied about..

How do you meet so many men? Where can I meet someone to date?

Now I could merely say "Get Out There, baby!", but thats a little condescendingly simple and not very helpful. Having plenty of time to waste "getting out there" helps a lot, but not everyone has that time, and there is only so long you can put off doing laundry or housework in order to put yourself out there.

So putting yourself out there takes a little consideration or you'd just spend your time fruitlessly, which half the time even if you choose how to spend your time wisely it will still be fruitless. So heres a few tips on how to make the best of it.

When I first got separated, I joined a ton of groups of various interests. Being married for so long, you start to forget what it is that you really like yourself and what things you grew to like because of your spouse or other pressures. So I wanted to get out there, see things, and learn more about me.

It is in these groups that I am meeting most of the men that I meet.

However.. and I cannot stress this strong enough.. Never join a group with the expressed interest to meet men/women. Well unless its a singles group, and then thats kind of the purpose of the beast.

Only join groups in which you will have an interest that it shared with the other members. Join groups that you will find fun, educational, and interesting. If you find a group that isn't fun or interesting, quit it and find something more suited to you.

If I learned nothing else from my failed marriage, I learned this: Shared interests no matter how insignificant are key to developing relationship bonds.

Now if your only interests lie in things based in your own gender and you're heterosexual, you may want to seek outside the box for groups. (If you're a girl and only interest is knitting, pretty sure most of the men you meet knitting won't be interested in you.)

So seek out unisex interests like book clubs, wine lovers, beer lovers, art lovers, happy hour, writing groups, philosophy discussion, hiking groups. Find something that you love and you'd love to share with your future partner. Even if s/he isn't at that group event, you'll enjoy yourself and maybe learn something.

And it may seem overly obvious, but its very true, people are attracted to people having fun. So its essential that you can have fun at the group in itself.

Shared Interests groups are also awesome for one other reason. They have built in icebreakers. In writing groups.."What do you write?" or "What are you working on now?" or even a more forward "I'd love to see your work." In book clubs, you can ask their opinion on books. In alcohol lovers groups, you can ask what they're drinking and what brands they enjoy. These groups make it much easier to start discussions.

Another plus to these groups is a key factor why often internet relationships fail. Mutual friends/aquantances. If you go to a group often enough, you'll make friends with the same people. You'll get to know a prospective partner not only through your one on one conversations but how they react to others and how others react to them. You'll already have a base of friends in common to encourage you to work together.

It is also this base of mutual friends and the mutual love of the group that will keep both of you from moving too fast. You'll get to know each other and have a better potential for a real relationship.

Other than joining groups, there are ways to meet people in other places, but its a little harder and you really have to keep your eyes open. These other places also will hold much more rejection and less common ground. Please keep in mind that these are places to keep your eyes open, not places to stalk prey. No one really wants to be prey. :)

Mailbox - If you live in a nice apt complex, time your mailbox visits to the time where the mailbox is the most busy thus giving you the chance to see your neighbors and maybe meet someone. (Do use caution with this one, since this person knows where you live, you'll want to take things slow to make sure they're not mentally ill or dangerous.)

Stores - Grocery stores, gas stations, etc. If you see someone you like, take a chance and make conversation. They may be married or taken, but you won't know if you don't try.

Nights Out - Restaurants, bars, etc. Bars are the least likely places to meet someone for a real relationship, but its still a possibility. Restaurants aren't bad places though. Once you get over 30, many established men eat out alone as they may not cook.

Then there is the infamous Online Dating .. and well most of us know way more than we'd like about that.

A Beer With Friends

Last night I went to a beer lovers Happy Hour. To be perfectly honest there is very little that can ruin a night of good beer. There's just something calming about beer drinkers.

This was a very talked about Happy Hour and pretty much everyone I talked to in the last couple weeks was supposed to be there. It was also at a pub that I'd never been to yet, great place by the way.

It really was a great time. Not everyone showed up who was supposed to, but with a good 30 people to mix with, who cares. :)

I did get to see some friends I've not seen in months, some friends I haven't seen in weeks, and some friends that I came there hoping to see.. aka Don was there as he promised.

I actually didn't see Don right away. The group was spread out all over the pub, inside and out. So it wasn't until I got to the end of my first pint that I finally saw Don.

My first pint instead was spent (and yes I'm going to measure time in pints) catching up with some friend friends.

It wasn't really until last night that I started thinking that my looks might be detrimental. I totally forgot to post this conversation in my "Its All In Who You Know" post, but initially Don thought I was 26 or around there. I'm 36. I joked around for a while and refused to tell him my age. He started guessing younger, 25, 24, 23. And of course I laughed harder. He was serious. I was about to fall out of my chair laughing. When finally I did tell him my real age, his countenance changed to a look of shock then a look that can only be read as "OMG, you just suddenly became a viable interest." At the time, I wrote this off as his hang-up and thought it mildly amusing.

Then at the pub last night, I ran into a guy that I'd flirted with at my flirting group (I cannot find a post about it, so I must have forgotten to write it). Tim and I had flirted heavily, and it seemed there was some interest. However, last night, he seemed to only have eyes for this other girl (I know her, she's great) who looks her age (38) if not a bit older. So now I'm wondering if men may not take me as seriously because I look young? But thats another insecurity for another day.

I roam around for a while looking for familiar faces and new people to meet. I'm actually combing the place for wallflowers. Its what I do, since most times when I'm new to a group I am the wallflower and I want to make sure people come back to the group. The place though is so busy that its nearly impossible to tell who is or is not part of the group. I give up and go outside.

Outside is mostly bare because it had rained and the black clouds were still hanging in the sky. But at a picnic table outside was Evie and Jo, so I ventured over to say hi. They had dried off the seating and so I took a seat. Just as I took a seat, I heard a male voice say "Hi". I looked up, turned completely red, and said "Hi" back.

It was Don. He'd been sitting there the whole time and I didn't even notice. We chatted a bit, but I needed more beer. So I got up to get one.

The line for beer was long, so I chatted with a few people before I actually got in line. When I did get in line, suddenly Don walks in and gets in line beside me. I fake extra happy drunk voice and joking put my arm around him pulling him closer.

"Hey Don, lets get more beer"

I of course have stunned him. He puts his arm around me for a moment.

"So, you're a hugger." he says, with absolutely no give away intonation of liking or disliking it.

I laugh and we separate.

I'm actually not a hugger, unless its with men. But since moving to Austin, everyone I know is a hugger. So I guess I've picked that up a bit. Yet, I'm also "friendly" when I've had a drink or two.. so probably mostly that.

We get to the front of the line, and the bartender pours us both a beer, and Don pays for it. I was a little miffed at the bartender for assuming we were together. Mostly because I didn't want Don to feel like he had to pay for my beer, and I didn't have cash so I had a tab. It was a very awkward moment.

"You don't want me to buy you a beer? You'd turn down a free beer?"

(The holes I dig. Yes I wanted him to buy me a beer. Fuck but I can't say that can I?)

"No no.. its just that I didn't want you to feel like you had to buy me a beer. I have a tab."

He smiled. "There's no making me buy you a beer. If I want to buy you a beer I will, if I don't I won't."

"Sorry. Thank you for the beer."

He then also reminded me that it was cheap beer night and that we were in a sense quibbling over $3. My social graces need lots of work.

When we got back to the table outside, we talked a bit with the group at the table then Don got up to talk to a couple really cute girls that were standing in a group behind him. So I got up to find the rest of the group inside, with the excuse of getting the group together in one place.

So once back inside, I told the people inside the rest of the group was outside and that it wasn't raining. They all went outside. Job Done!

When I went back outside, Don was still talking with the girls. So I looked for other people to meet. I found some new people to the group, and dragged them around the group to meet people. By the time we made it back to the table, Don was back sitting down. So I introduced the new people to everyone and sat down with them at the table.

Conversation became lively and I kept getting dragged from one conversation to another and not getting much chance to talk to Don. It didn't matter much as the newbies were both guys and pretty cute in themselves. If Don really wanted to talk to me, he has my number. :)

It was then getting close to the end of the Happy Hour, and I went in for my third pint. Pint three was an interesting period which will take way too much time to explain. More mingling, and more flirting, but very little one on one with Don. Instead it was glances from across the room, sly smiles, and occasional winks.

I have no idea what is going on with him, but it was very enjoyable. I had free time to flirt with anyone I chose, and I could have cared less that he was flirting with other girls. He was still giving me plenty of encouragement, and knowing his ex-gf, I didn't really think the girls were his type.

Time will tell where his interests lie, and right now I'm ok with waiting.

(On a good note, I wanted to mention since my last post of Don might make him sound like a boozehound. He had 3 beers. He said that was his limit. I took that as a very encouraging sign.)

Trust Yourself, Woman!

I really should never doubt myself. I don't know why I do. Maybe every once in a while I need that glimmer of hope that I'm wrong.

Sure I'm often wrong about dates, times, places. Who won the Superbowl in 1979? Yep I'm gunna be wrong on that too.

But on reading people and their intentions.. I'm rarely wrong. Sometimes I really wish I was more wrong than I am.

Mr. "I'm really interested in you" SugarDaddy.com has disappeared. No word. No date yesterday like promised. Just PooooooF!

This leaves me very little hope that Mr. Hottub is going to call this week, or that I'll even think about giving him a second chance.

I did meet a wonderful guy this weekend. He's smart, funny, and has a good job. He's a Christian and actually goes to church of his own accord.

Its been a long time since I've met someone like that.

He flirted with me for quite a while, and I think even offered to buy me a drink but I was a little too slow on the uptake. (Sometimes I'm really freaking stupid).

He's out of my league though. He's tall, good looking, kind, and ... well, way above any guy that's even looked twice at me in recent years. So I flirted back as "friendly", not sure what to do.

I also encouraged him to flirt with this Philippine girl, though just for the premise of saving her from this guy who is .. well.. a jerk. The jerk left, but she still hung on Mr. Christian. And he flirted with both of us. At one point he had his arm around me and not around her, but I still wasn't sure if we were friends or more than? or ?

A few of us decided to go to another bar, and some people carpooled. I drove myself since the place was closer to home and I'd just met these guys tonight. He however gave the Philippine girl a ride.

We all joked around at the bar together. Him always sitting between me and the Philippine girl. He seemed to be showing us equal attention. So I really was confused and figured he just wanted friends.

At one point, she offered him her phone so he could put in his details, which he did.

Then as the group was leaving to go home, he turned to me and asked if I wanted to join him (just us) at somewhere else. He apologized and said he needed to drive the Philippine girl to her car, but after that.. Somewhere in my head, the little alarm bells went off that all he wanted was sex.

On this, I'm hoping that I'm wrong.

I gave him my number and my email address, and told him I'd love to hang out again sometime but that I needed to get going home.

I may see him tonight at another group meeting.. maybe. And maybe he'll call. I really do like him, and while I'm hoping.. I don't have a whole lot of hope.

The "Friend" Speech

The last few days I'd been working up to a major funk. Of course I say "I'd been working" as if I'd had a choice in the matter. Would be more accurate to say my body had been working on a funk and taking me along for the ride. Nevertheless, I saw it coming.

So on Friday I started pricing airline tickets to visit a "friend" of mine, in hopes that it would give me something to hold on to and look forward to as I went through this upcoming funk.

This "friend" has never been just a friend. Shortly after I moved into my apt in May, we began talking and sniffing each other out. We weren't quite dating, but we weren't quite just friends either. We have several friends in common which is how we started talking, and supposedly (he says, I don't remember) we'd met once back in 1997. So there were lots of unknowns as far as attractiveness. He lives halfway across the USA from me, so distance was always a factor in keeping it more friendly than dating.

I wasn't going to be uprooting myself for a man again, and there are no jobs in his field here. We'd kept up this stalemate for months, talking daily as much as we could.

Then about a month ago, we began discussing evolution and intelligent design. We'd already discussed religion and he'd said he was "kinda Christian" and we agreed on a few points of religion.. enough to get by I thought. But when I mentioned that I thought everyone should have the choice between evolution and intelligent design, and that my children will learn both so they can make up their own minds.. Things got heated. He solely believes in evolution, and cannot understand how I cannot.

There is nothing that 100% proves that "God" had no hand in it, and there is nothing that proves "God" did. Stalemate.

Since that conversation things began to cool down. (Fred, see this is why I don't like dating atheists, even if this guy isn't one). We'd have one big conversation a week, then sporadically small ones. But he still seemed at least a little interested, as he often was the one initiating and we discussed sexual preferences after that as well.

I'd threatened to visit him several times, but never with any real specific date. So on Friday, I emailed him with an exact weekend and asked if he wanted me to visit. He replied on Saturday "Maybe.. we should talk about it." Because I know him, I knew this was a very bad response, besides having that horrid "We should talk" phrase.

Saturday (even before his reply) I slipped further into my funk. I forced myself to go to a party of a friend, but I ended up leaving early. I felt fat and ugly.

Sunday morning I woke up in full funk. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone (I had several plans for the day and cancelled them all). People would IM me and I'd end the conversation. A friend called and I told her in no uncertain terms that I was totally antisocial and I'd talk to her later in the week. It really was all I could do not to hang up on her. I distracted myself with copious amounts of TV and Netflix. The smallest thing would make me cry or angry. I felt fat, ugly, and unlovable.

He messaged me and I told him I was in a foul mood. He didn't do his normal "ask whats wrong?" thing. He wanted to get it off his chest I suspect. So he called and blurted out...

"You have a great personality that meshes well with mine, I love talking to you, and I really care about you, but we'll only ever be just friends."

Seriously, he couldn't have picked a worse day. I started crying like a little baby. I was trying to cover the phone so he couldn't hear. I knew the tears had little to actually do with him, but I couldn't stop them.

He tried to comfort me and it only made things worse. It pissed me off so I cried more. Seriously, you don't get to tell a girl that you just want to be "friends" and then comfort her too. Saying shit to her like "I wish I could just hold you" is not going to make anything better. Bastard!

It seemed like ages, but probably just a few minutes before we finally hung up. I let myself have a good cry. The funk wasn't over, but I distracted myself with episodes of the BBC series "Coupling" which is guaranteed to make you laugh no matter what.

Finally at 3 AM, I was too tired and fell into bed to cry myself to sleep. I haven't had a funk this bad in years thankfully, hopefully it will be many more before it comes again.

I woke this morning to sunshine and hope. I'm not sure I have a whole lot of hope in finding someone to share my life, but today spending the rest of my life alone doesn't sound so lonely. The world is full of people that actually do care about me, and right now, thats enough.

Bringing Back Sexy

It's been quiet here for a few days hasn't it? I apologize. Well, not really, because I was off having tons of fun.

My best friend from college came to visit, and it seems we tried to relive our college days. We drank, and we drank. We chatted up hot men, and drank. We went to parties, and drank.

It's actually come to a point where if I see alcohol, I get a little nauseated.

Things I learned:

1. I'm not that young anymore.

2. My liver is not that young anymore.

3. Being sick the next day is not worth it.

4. Sleep, and lots of it, is essential for mine (and others) well-being.

5. (repeat 1-4 until lesson is learned)

Now besides being sick all weekend with self-induced madness, we did have a ton of fun. But there was one more thing that I learned.

I've been out of the dating game too long.

While I learned a lot of things from my marriage and divorce, the 8 years of commitment to one person also took a toll on my skills. Dating skills it seems, if you don't use them, you lose them.

My best friend has always been single. Sure she's had her short bouts of committed dating relationships, but she's never been married or in anything that long term. When we were in college, I would run circles around her in the "chatting up guys" department. Now, she's had all these years to hone her approach, while I've been out of the loop.

She was fantastic. Her courage amazing. She would flirt with abandon with men she liked. If they took too long to ask her to dance, she'd ask them. I honestly was so awestruck that mostly I just sat there and watched.

As I watched her, I realized just how much of that I'd lost. The confidence, gone. Sure I'm much more self-confident than I ever have been, but confidence in approaching strange men for dances has been obliterated.

My former ability to flirt casually with just the right amount of wit, sexy, and sweet, has wilted into a small pile of silliness and friendship. While silliness and friendship worked well for me while I was married, its the "bringing the sexy back" that is truly the hardest part.

When you're married, you're not supposed to flirt sexy with strange men. You can flirt sexy with your spouse, or joke sexy with others that know you're married and joking, but you can't just flirt all sexy with random strangers (or you shouldn't anyway). First I have to allow myself to "bring back the sexy" before I can truly re-master the skill.

It's been getting out of this mindset of "couple" and truly and fully into the mindset of single.. that has shown me just how difficult this process is. Every day is a new step into being fully and truly single, I wonder when the process will be complete?

Mental Pedophilia

A friend of mine, Fred and I were discussing dating and our turn offs. Ok, actually we were discussing this girl he had a date with, but was thinking of canceling. The only reason he was thinking of going was that he was assured he was getting sex. But the more he thought about the upcoming event the more he didn't want to do her and the more he admitted that he wasn't attracted to her at all.

Which prompted me to ask why he didn't find her attractive. Most girls assume that if a guy is banging us, that he's at least somewhat attracted. So I was curious.

He replied, "Its just an all around unattractiveness. We have nothing in common and she can't spell for shit! My biggest pet peeve in the world. She tried sending me a dirty email once and I couldn't finish it because her spelling was so bad. "Ill be on my hands and niece" She couldn't even spell "knees" right. Dammit. Just thinking about it makes my dick shrink."

Rarely do I get to meet a guy who has these kinds of standards, and I always knew there was a reason Fred and I were friends. I have the same issues with finding men. If he can't spell, he'd better be able to prove to me that its not because he's a moron, but because of dyslexia or some other condition, and had better be a proponent of education and learning.

This is how Fred and I got to discussing "Mental Pedophilia" (Fred's term btw, and I happen to love it.). He defines it as "don't you realize that this girl has the intelligence and common sense of a 14 year old? You realize that its illegal to have sex with a 14 year old right? How is this any different?"

I define it simply as "Mental Pedophilia - dating someone mentally young enough to be illegal, or simple enough that you're taking advantage of an unarmed person." Its a lot like getting "informed consent" for the relationship.

If I can wrap you around my finger without you knowing that you're under my spell, then the attraction is much less. Who really wants just a puppet? Now if you know you're wrapped around my finger, and you love it, cherish it, and want to be there... then who am I to ruin your fun. Worship me baby! :)

If your brains are still forming or have stunted growth so you really can't understand the difference between they're and their, then I feel like I'm with child and I only want men. Sorry.

So far as I know though, "Mental Pedophilia" has not been proven illegal except in severe cases of mental deficiency.. but for me (and my friends) its just way icky.

Women Who Hate Women Who Hate Women

I grew up in a family of all girls. So I've grown up with quite an education on how females think and behave, not that I needed it as its pretty much cemented my feelings about having close female friends. I have one close female friend. She lives in another state. It works much better that way.

Growing up, I tried to make friends with girls my age. It would last a whole 3-4 days, two weeks tops. We'd be fast friends. Share everything. Hang out together non-stop. Then suddenly without warning, I'd show up to school to find them friends with the "cool girls" and myself ostracized. This in itself would not be devastating, but soon I'd find all my secrets bandied about like some new game of emotional darts with me being the dartboard. You'd think I'd learn my lesson, but it never failed. Every-time I new girl showed up, I'd befriend her and it'd start all over.

As it got to HS, I managed to have two female friends. I was much more their friend than they were ever mine, but after grades school, I figured a friend was better than no friend. I learned not to share with them any big secrets, but because of my own ethics kept all of theirs. You would think that this would win me devotion, but alas any time we fought, they would find ways to turn the entire class against me. I should have figured out how to do that myself, but since I don't really think that way naturally I never did.

It wasn't until I got married, and through years of the marital social conditioning that being friends with men while you're married is severely hard to do unless you knew them prior to getting married, or you're willing to have an affair, that I began to see value in friendships with females. I started socializing with married women and found them to be fantastic. They were supportive, friendly, and easy to talk to. They weren't catty or back-stabby at all. I honestly had started to love being friends with women, and wondered why I was ever really friends with men.

Then the divorce..

Divorce puts a whole different spin on things...and as much as I loved my married women friends, I found myself separating from them. I didn't really mean to, but I was embarrassed at not being able to hold my marriage together. I didn't want their pity or judgement. But what was worse, was sitting there with them and listening to them talk about their happy marriages. I am sooo happy for them that they're in good relationships and happy, but I just couldn't be around it.

So I began seeking out new women friends. Single women friends. People to go out with, hang with, talk about single life, dating, etc. I thought maybe since we're older that I'd be able to find mature women who were like my married women friends.

I currently have one woman friend who has potential to be trusted. The problem is that I don't necessarily like being around her very much as she has a tendency to interrupt me or talk over me without thinking. I'm told its a New Yorker thing, but its kinda annoying.

Every other girl that I've tried to be friends with has failed miserably. We're still nice and civil, and if I need a movie buddy I'd give a one of them a call, but I don't trust them, especially not with men.

Before the separation, I had a couple friends who were in a writers group with me. One was single, the other in a long-term relationship. We'd hang out after our meetings and talk, and they'd occasionally invite me to do things. We ended up in several groups together and hung out at least once a week. After the separation, I got a little needy, depressed. They now will only recognize my presence if I say "Hi" first.

Next lesson, I was friends with this geeky guy, Theo, who I adore, but there will never be anything more than friends. I knew this. He knew this. We embraced the friendship. We were so much friends that people actually started to think we were dating. Neither of us cared, we were just friends. In our circle of friends though, was this one older woman. She always seemed to be the life of the party, and something about her made me think we'd not be good friends, but since she was quite an institution in the circle.. I tried.

She was nice to me. She let me into her circle of friends. Invited me over to parties at her place. Then about a month later, she and I are walking out to our cars after a happy hour, and she questions me about Theo.

"Do you know that he's into you?" I laughed at her. I said, no we're just friends. She insisted that we weren't, and that she knew Theo had feelings for me. I clarified that she must have misunderstood him, and told her about an attempted kiss, and the "turn down" he gave me (this was of course before I got to know him and realized I really wasn't interested).

She was appalled. How dare Theo treat me that way. I shouldn't even be friends with him. On and on about how much of a dick Theo was, and how horrid it was for me to even try to be friends with him. I told her it was fine, no biggie, and that I enjoyed the friendship... but she kept on. I smiled and nodded. Then we parted and went home.

From that conversation onward, she monopolized Theo. She was everywhere he was. She told him what to think, what to wear, and where to go... and any time he tried to talk to any girl, she'd show up and distract him. He and I have barely been able to speak two words since. Two weeks after this conversation, she and Theo were making out like teenagers romping up for public sex.

She's nice to me in public, and makes a presentation that she's trying to be friends with me (I assume for Theo's sake). But I'm no longer invited to her parties, and she no longer talks to me like a good friend. I guess she got what she wanted.

Third lesson: I decided to branch out and go to a Brewery party. My new friend Evie was there, and she introduced me to a few people. Then this guy came over. He had a beautiful friendly dog, and I'm a sucker for well-behaved dogs, and he was kinda cute. So I went up to him and talked to him and played with his dog. Not long after, Evie came up to say hi to him.

A group of us were deciding where to go next, and I insisted that the new guy come join us. I invited him, got his number, gave him mine. I then coordinated that we'd all meet, and when.

When we met later, Evie did her best to monopolize his conversation. She started talking sexual things, things that I might talk about in private but not in public and not in a first meeting. So my choices if I stayed in the conversation were to look like a slut or be a prude. It was a no-win. Toward the end of the night, I had managed to talk to him while she was in the bathroom, and I thought we were getting somewhere. She came out, and sexily convinced him to rub her feet. (She did this kinda thing not once, but every time we hang out if males are present.. even if she's already on a date with someone else.)

Fourth lesson: I met this girl through a friend of mine, to fully understand why she's no longer on my 'trust' list, let me give you a bit of background. We hit it off at first as we have a lot in common and we both tend to be a little opinionated. While I can be a pain in the ass, I'm generally more go-with-the-flow as long as its not injurious to my health. She however made a huge scene at a restaurant about her food not being "as advertised" and made them remake it. Then when they remade it like she wanted it, she had talked herself into a tizzy about them spitting in it so she wasn't going to give them the "satisfaction" of seeing her eat it. Besides this incident, she is abrasive, demanding, and so boy-crazy that she's alienated all my other friends.

The last straw though was last weeks happy hour. She insisted that I go with her, and since it was merely a couple blocks from my place I complied. Shortly after arriving, we were sitting with two rather handsome men talking. She said jokingly serious quite out of the blue, "I'm easier to get along with than her." To which my initial reaction was an open mouthed "WTF" expression, and then laughter at my own thoughts of "OMG how delusional is she?"

So I think I'm done with single female friends. Sure if I need to hang with a girl, I might call one up, but we won't be going out. Maybe I'm just not meeting the right women. I don't know. But in the last 6 months, I've had enough.