The Comforts Of A Home

As much as I complain, whine, and pretty much always try to get out of going home (to my parents), there is always something comforting about being there.




Yes of course there's the judgement of family. The making fun of me because I'm the youngest and they can. The not listening to me. The.. well... the overwelming feeling of being an outcast in my own family is still present. (If I didn't undeniably look like the rest of my family, I would swear I was adopted or the milkman's daughter)



Beyond all that.. its comforting to be there.



My parents still live in the same house that I grew up in. I lived all my days from birth until I went off to college in that town, and from roughly age 4 until college in that exact house. There are many memories there.



There's the piano that we all learned to play on. Its an old upright circa early 1900's with remarkably good sound still. It was one of the few things to survive the fire we had when I was just a toddler. It still sits where it always has.



Other furniture has come and gone. Decor has come and gone. But the piano, the dining table, and the antique buffet have remained unmoved and untouched.



When I visit, I still sleep in one of the two bedrooms that used to be mine as a child. One I lived in until HS, sharing it with my sister. We slept on twin beds that would bunk if needed. Mostly we had them separated, as .. well.. its easy to annoy someone sleeping in bunked beds.. sometimes because you mean to.. and sometimes unintentionally. :)



The other bedroom is now the fancy guest room, but used to be my room when I was in HS. By the time I reached HS, all my siblings were off in college so I had the room to myself. It still contains my old dresser and the closets still house some of my old HS awards, honors, diploma, and various useless crap I never threw away.



Yet... that stuff is not the comforting things I felt this last visit. I'm sure they all played their part.



What got me this last visit was the fullness of the house. Everyone was home. The house was busting at its seems to hold us all.



I thought I'd need my space. That I'd need time out. That it would be too crowded and I'd have to go out and get some air.



But I didn't. I'm sure had I stayed much longer that I'd have needed some "Me Time", but I didn't for the short (4 day) visit.



Instead I enjoyed having people around. Waking in the morning, not to my alarm clock, but to the sounds of voices laughing and discussing things over breakfast. Going to bed and having someone to say "Good night" to. I actually even slightly enjoyed coordinating with others on when to take a shower.



It was so strange and yet wonderful. So as much as I bitch, I really do miss family... and I really would like one of my own.

How Far I've Come

Well.. I'm back, kinda. I came back and took a day to rest. The nearly 30 hours of driving takes a toll on me and I really needed the rest.




Then I got up the energy today to go do some "work" also known as writing and job searching, only to find that my main computer is dead. I don't think I've lost any majorly important files, as I've always put all my important stuff on external drives (which I should probably backup huh?) but this also means that all my blogging and writing now has to be done on my laptop... which is about as adept at writing as .. well lets just say that it has issues and likes to randomly delete what I've typed in by having "seizures" based in its little "trackpad" and randomly moves my cursor to various parts of what I'm writing making it extremely difficult for me to write anything of substance or carry any train of thought.



I'm more than willing to take donations for this cause.. though just typing that makes me laugh... as I can't imagine getting donations. But alas, its a choice of going into debt to buy a new computer (I'm really needing a job) or go crazy trying to do everything on this pathetic excuse for a psychotic laptop.



Anyway, until I can get a new machine.. blogging may be spotty.. hopefully not.. but we'll see how technology dictates.



+++++++



So I went home to visit with family and was supposed to attend this little shindig of all the local HS alumni and whatnot. Not many of my actual class was supposed to be there, but a few of my sister's classmates.



Well.. anyway.. I get home and I see my sisters whom I've not seen in a year and half or so. Whoah dawgies.



I was very taken aback by how old they looked. I'm sure that means that I'm looking older as well, but I couldn't believe how badly they looked. Only one of my sisters actually looked healthier than the last time I'd seen her. Since they're my older sisters.. its a little scary to imagine that I might be there myself in a few years. My only consolation at this point is that I look significantly younger than they do, and that I take care of myself much better than they do.



On a good note.. I did feel entirely MUCH younger, slimmer, and taller.. which was a greatly needed ego-boost. I think my siblings and parents must be shrinking, because I felt like I towered over everyone. My sisters who used to be much closer to my height I swear, are now a good 4-5 inches shorter than me.



On a sad note... My father is showing some early signs of lukemia and may not be around very long. We can only hope at this point that its just signs and not actually developing into lukemia.



Then there was the Shindig. I honestly was dreading going. As it is, I have little in common with my family who still lives up in the area, so finding something in common with people from what seems like a million years ago who still live in that area.. seemed impossible.



It was supposed to be a bbq gathering. I'd been to it years ago, and I knew that I shouldn't show up in fancy clothes. Though I did want to look nice, so I put on a casual dress and flipflops. I asked my sisters if they thought it would be too fancy. They said no.



So I go. I park and start walking up to the building, and see people coming in and out. They're dressed in ratty shorts, old t-shirts, and tennis shoes. I suddenly get self-conscious. I overdressed and I know it.



I walk in. I see my 6th grade teacher, whom I didn't like back then. He sees me but no light of recognition hits his face, which was fine with me as I didn't really want to talk to him.



I scan the rest of the crowd. Everyone has on some kind of ratty t-shirt and jeans. Even the old ladies, who back in my childhood would have at least thrown on their nicest blouse, were decked out in random t-shirts. Half the group had ball caps on. I looked for familiar faces and saw none.



Then I saw them looking at me. I knew the look. I recognized it from my days of living there. It was the "who is the hoity toity woman all dressed up putting on airs".



I turned and walked out in my $10 dress, and flipflops. I highly doubt I ever return to one of those things again. I've just outgrown it, and really have absolutely no desire to return.

Bring On The Booze

I'm searching for titles for this post.

"Worst Christmas Ever"
"Missed Christmas This Year"
"I almost died on Christmas"
"Where is Santa Claus when you need him?"

As I was driving up north to visit family, I found myself caught in a blizzard. After praising myself for having mad snow driving skills, which is surprising because my ex never thought I did. He was from Norway, and thus had far greater driving skills than me. So he said.

So after giving myself kudos for proving him wrong. Asshole. I began to realize that I wasn't going to make it anywhere that night.

Christmas Eve stuck in a snowstorm. Scared, and with the way it was coming down in an area of the US where most people don't see snow and don't know how to drive on it. My chances of survival without wrecking the car, or having someone wreck into me, suddenly got a lot smaller. I was alone with my dog. What hotel was going to allow her in?

I began to think about last Christmas. Last Christmas, I had thought was the worst Christmas ever. My ex had just left me, and refused me any kind of contact. I got no explanation no closure. The Christmas in Norway trip we'd planned (because he wanted to spend Christmas with his family, and didn't want me to be alone -his exact words) suddenly was cancelled for me. I had no plans for Christmas, and knew no one to spend it with. I couldn't think of a worse Christmas scenario.

Now this one was rivaling it. Toe to Toe.

The storm took most of my concentration so I couldn't break down as much as I wanted to.. as much as I longed to.. I couldn't give in to the despair.

So I drove carefully, cautiously, and hoped like hell everything would turn out fine. I traveled a whole 162.3 miles in 10 hours in a complete blizzard. I only know this because of my trip meter on my car from the last place I filled up gas, and the last place I went to the bathroom before driving into the storm. 10 hours stuck freezing on the road, literally without a pot to piss in.

Approximately 4.5 of these hours I was not moving at all. No one was. Thankfully I had 3G service in the area and my phone charger. So I twittered, read emails, played some games and begged strangers to call me. My parents called gave me weather updates and found a hotel for me & the dog (now only to get there), my best friend would call and give me more weather. And @NJTunaFisherman called and like the awesome man he is, talked to me until his phone battery died. @HarryLang, @Myerman, @AustinDirtyDog, and @BrunoBulldogRVA twittered with me, making sure I was ok, and helped me keep my sanity.

I forced myself to stay strong, and thought of ways things could be better. If I'd had a hot man with me, we could have spent those 4 hours doing untold things. I dreamt about those things, and the hotel, and well.. lots of things.

There was no real need to panic. Other than the lack of toilet, I could survive in my car for days if it didn't get too cold. I always take my own bedding if I can, so I had a pillow and a comforter in the car. Several changes of clothes, two coats, @MissMelisaMae's fabulously warm scarf, gloves, a scraper, about a weeks worth of safe food (I had brought things to share with family). I was lowish on water but had a half gallon in the trunk (in my brita filter pitcher) if it didn't freeze, a gallon of apple juice, some berry juice, two liters of KFP coke, as well as lunch meat, crackers, nuts, and strawberries in my snackbag. I even had a couple rolls of toilet paper if I needed it. The only things I didn't have that I might need were window washer fluid with antifreeze in it, an endless supply of gas (I had enough but not for overnight), some gravel, and a shovel.

Still even with all that, I wanted to be comforted. I wanted to know I'd make it to my hotel. I wanted some real hope of Christmas. I hung on to that remaining sliver.

After finally making it to my hotel at 2am, and winding down to sleep at 3am, my dog decided to bark at every noise outside our door from 6am on. Tired and groggy, I attempted to sleep through it with no success. At 10am, my parents called and said it was now blizzarding in the north. I wouldn't be able to make it there today. Stay another night, or go home?

The online road conditions made everything sound horrid. Travel everywhere was discouraged. I thought I was stuck again. So I called the front desk, he said people were moving at a good pace along the highway. So I called Fred in Dallas, and asked about the road conditions there. (Online it said all of Dallas was icy) He said there was a little slush but it was ok.

I decided to go home. It cost me a little over a tank and half ($30) in gas to get there which was less than half the price of my hotel. Much cheaper to go home and try another day. Plus home has my bed, my internet, my tv.

I made it home in 6.5 hours... a distance that yesterday had taken 13 hours. Unloaded the car, and sat down and watched my Netflix movies, and ate my holiday food stash. After the last 29 hours, 20 of which I was stuck in my car, I was not getting back in my car any time soon, but I was ready to party. So I had my own little celebration. Chilling on my couch with the dog.

My parents called and gave me weather updates. The storm was bad enough that even on the 26th the roads weren't clear enough up there for my family to gather for Christmas. It comforted me somewhat that not only did I miss Christmas, but most of my family had as well. And it was more evidence that I made a good choice to just come home.

Then my parents called again to inform me that everyone would be gathering for Christmas on New Years, at my sisters home. So it'd be an 18 hour drive. 13 is my max of what I can do in a day, so there'd be extra hotel both ways. $$$ plus then I'd end up missing NYE.

So.. I had to choose. Another huge car trip and more costs to have Christmas with family (and miss NYE)... or go out an party with friends and possibly meet a cute guy and have a great New Years Eve.

I'd already mourned the loss of Christmas already and the thought of a road trip nearly gives me hives right now.. heck I'm adverse to the thought of driving almost everywhere right now.. So I'm staying put.

Bring on the BOOZE!

Best Vacation Ever

I had the best vacation ever. Actually, it felt like the first real vacation I've ever had. It was the first vacation I've taken since the separation/divorce. The first vacation I've taken in years that didn't include my ex or my family.

It was peaceful. It was fun. And best of all, it was completely drama-free.

No one sat on the side lines judging my every move. No one got in a huff when I couldn't eat something or needed something special (I have food allergies). No one irritated me by condescendingly suggesting "You sure you can't just eat a little?"

Since my food allergy discovery every "vacation" I've tried to make has been a complete battle, until this one.

I went to visit my long-time online/phone friend, Folder. We'd yet to meet in person, but we'd talked so often for so long that it honestly felt like just visiting an old friend. It was great, relaxing, and just go with the flow.

And when I insisted on taking over the cooking, he more than willingly let me. How freaking awesome is that?

In dealing with my ex and my family, any time I wanted to cook it became an ordeal of "What you don't think I can cook?" or "You don't think I can do it right?" or they took it as some other kind of insult or slight. But seriously, its just easier and more relaxing for me if I just fucking do it. I like cooking most of the time. I just really hate cleaning up.

And guess what!! Folder did all the clean up. Seriously was in heaven.

Then I went to visit another old friend of mine (an ex of sorts actually but so long ago an ex that well it doesn't count) and his gf/wife. They as well were easy going and more than willing to hire me on as a cook. And they did all the clean up.

I went on this vacation nervous, and slightly scared. With the ex, everytime I mentioned something allergy he treated me like I was being overly dramatic and seeking attention... so much so that I was honestly scared he'd sneak something I was allergic to into my food. With my family, while they were more understanding, they also didn't always think about things so food was russian roulette.

But I thought, WTF I need out of here and we'll see how things go.

So despite being dragged to see dinosaur bones, a car show (I am SOO not about cars or dinosaurs for that matter), and Fisherman's Wharf (for the 3rd time), I had a fantastic time.

I so love my friends. And I love the new hope I have, that life doesn't have to be a battle ground of miserable. There can be peace, and it can be good. Very Good.