How Far I've Come

Well.. I'm back, kinda. I came back and took a day to rest. The nearly 30 hours of driving takes a toll on me and I really needed the rest.




Then I got up the energy today to go do some "work" also known as writing and job searching, only to find that my main computer is dead. I don't think I've lost any majorly important files, as I've always put all my important stuff on external drives (which I should probably backup huh?) but this also means that all my blogging and writing now has to be done on my laptop... which is about as adept at writing as .. well lets just say that it has issues and likes to randomly delete what I've typed in by having "seizures" based in its little "trackpad" and randomly moves my cursor to various parts of what I'm writing making it extremely difficult for me to write anything of substance or carry any train of thought.



I'm more than willing to take donations for this cause.. though just typing that makes me laugh... as I can't imagine getting donations. But alas, its a choice of going into debt to buy a new computer (I'm really needing a job) or go crazy trying to do everything on this pathetic excuse for a psychotic laptop.



Anyway, until I can get a new machine.. blogging may be spotty.. hopefully not.. but we'll see how technology dictates.



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So I went home to visit with family and was supposed to attend this little shindig of all the local HS alumni and whatnot. Not many of my actual class was supposed to be there, but a few of my sister's classmates.



Well.. anyway.. I get home and I see my sisters whom I've not seen in a year and half or so. Whoah dawgies.



I was very taken aback by how old they looked. I'm sure that means that I'm looking older as well, but I couldn't believe how badly they looked. Only one of my sisters actually looked healthier than the last time I'd seen her. Since they're my older sisters.. its a little scary to imagine that I might be there myself in a few years. My only consolation at this point is that I look significantly younger than they do, and that I take care of myself much better than they do.



On a good note.. I did feel entirely MUCH younger, slimmer, and taller.. which was a greatly needed ego-boost. I think my siblings and parents must be shrinking, because I felt like I towered over everyone. My sisters who used to be much closer to my height I swear, are now a good 4-5 inches shorter than me.



On a sad note... My father is showing some early signs of lukemia and may not be around very long. We can only hope at this point that its just signs and not actually developing into lukemia.



Then there was the Shindig. I honestly was dreading going. As it is, I have little in common with my family who still lives up in the area, so finding something in common with people from what seems like a million years ago who still live in that area.. seemed impossible.



It was supposed to be a bbq gathering. I'd been to it years ago, and I knew that I shouldn't show up in fancy clothes. Though I did want to look nice, so I put on a casual dress and flipflops. I asked my sisters if they thought it would be too fancy. They said no.



So I go. I park and start walking up to the building, and see people coming in and out. They're dressed in ratty shorts, old t-shirts, and tennis shoes. I suddenly get self-conscious. I overdressed and I know it.



I walk in. I see my 6th grade teacher, whom I didn't like back then. He sees me but no light of recognition hits his face, which was fine with me as I didn't really want to talk to him.



I scan the rest of the crowd. Everyone has on some kind of ratty t-shirt and jeans. Even the old ladies, who back in my childhood would have at least thrown on their nicest blouse, were decked out in random t-shirts. Half the group had ball caps on. I looked for familiar faces and saw none.



Then I saw them looking at me. I knew the look. I recognized it from my days of living there. It was the "who is the hoity toity woman all dressed up putting on airs".



I turned and walked out in my $10 dress, and flipflops. I highly doubt I ever return to one of those things again. I've just outgrown it, and really have absolutely no desire to return.

Breach Of Trust

After the debacle on Friday, I strongly considered closing shop.

As it turns out there are 30+ bloggers in category Blogger B vs Blogger A.  Of those 30+ bloggers, I found out two of them were people I considered to be good friends.

So that I'd not received an invite or heads up or even consulted at all.. Hurt a lot. 

Not to mention the numbers of other bloggers in their group.. which I didn't know who was or wasn't in the group.. and found myself wondering.. Who do I trust now?

I received several DM's through Twitter of people showing me their support and agreeing with my post on Friday. I wondered if these people DM'd me out of fear that showing public support would adversely affect them. I know I wasn't the only one hurt, distrustful, and a little scared.

I wondered throughout the weekend about "what if I say something negative about someone? will I be next?"  Because lord knows I cannot keep my mouth shut if I think someone's talking a bunch of BS.

Then I found out that some private information that I'd given to people because I trusted them.. had been told to people I didn't authorize..

The smoke coming out of my ears nearly set off the smoke alarm.

The amount of betrayal and whispering behind closed doors that I felt was going on.. I'd not experienced since High School, and is not something I ever want to experience again.

So I spent most of this weekend out.  If I was home, I'd think about my computer.. and this.. and I'd get upset. Being home was stifling.

I hung out with friends I've not seen in months. I drank vodka. I drank beer, and I even tried to kill myself off by eating fries that I was pretty sure I was allergic to.. They were damn good though.. until I got sick.

It honestly wasn't until Sunday night.. after a very fun afternoon of beer drinking.. that I started to relax and put things into perspective.

As much as I'd love to be able to.. I can not control what other people do or say. I have to accept them for their choices, and move on to what is going to make me happy and what I can live with.

I can only be me.

So I'm back. A little worse for wear.. a little less trusting (I know, who'd have thought that possible?).. and with a little bit bigger middle finger.

I've got some juicy stories that I've yet to write up..  So don't worry.. fun fun will be had here again...

Follow Friday Drama: Count Me Out

I'm a bad girl. I've been scolded. I've been unfollowed. I've been blocked and unblocked and reblocked again. In this activity, I have been told with whom I can and cannot be friends or suffer the same treatment.

For those of you not "in the know", there is a major rift dividing the Dating Blogger world.  There are two people who do not get along (ok more than two, but there are essentially two sides) and for the purpose of this post.. I'll call them Blogger A, and Blogger B.

They both have their reasons of why they are fighting, and each feels fully justified in their stances and behaviors.

Blogger A vehemently disagreed with Blogger B's initial posts and attitude, and honestly Blogger A's initial position was not unfounded.  Blogger A then decided that Blogger B needed correcting.

Blogger B has posted some great posts and some "OMG you have to be posting this just for the controversy" posts.  Blogger B's initial posts and attitude even had myself thinking that Blogger B needed some education.  But over time Blogger B has grown to be an excellent dating blogger.

However, Blogger A's initial "attack" on Blogger B, caused Blogger B to be hurt and wounded. And the fight escalated.

Both Bloggers have their benefits and their detriments. Both at one time or another, I've considered to be friends of mine.

Blogger A is not an easily likable person. Blogger A is often negative and judgmental in their approach to people and situations.  This makes for good reading, and good discussion. Blogger A has a great following of dedicated readers who love that no-bullshit approach. It's actually one of the things that first drew me to Blogger A's blog.  Plus the fact that Blogger A allows me to disagree without fear of retribution.

Blogger B is a very nice person and has grown to blog very nicely. Blogger B has a great perspective on dating and life, and their posts are always insightful. Blogger B has grown a good following based in their fresh perspective and flirty ways. Blogger B truely has a very sweet-heart personality once you get to know them.

I sort of understand Blogger A's perspective on Blogger B, but yes I do think that an apology from Blogger A is needed.  But both sides have spread rumors and bad talked each other. No one is an angel here.

I also do not like being forced to choose a side. I'm no longer in HS. I no longer feel the need to deal with this.

I've known Blogger A almost since my "birth" here. Blogger A's been nothing but nice to me. Blogger A has never lashed out at me for being friends with Blogger B. Blogger A did mention it once, but has not (to my knowledge) held it against me. 

Blogger B and I are recent friends. We started rocky as I disagreed with Blogger B's initial attitude and perspective. I got blocked and wasn't told why. Then Blogger B's attitude changed and I started liking what Blogger B was saying and posting. Through strange round about ways, Blogger B deemed me safe to talk to and unblocked me. The blocking it turned out had to do with my friendship with Blogger A.

Then today, I posted some #FF tweets. Including both of them in the same tweet.

I'm told I lost followers. Blogger B has unfollowed me again. (and to tell you the truth, it hurts every time someone blocks me. it shouldn't, but it does.)

I am a peacemaker. I don't like to be in the middle of fights, and will do my best to resolve the situation. I've tried, but it is no use.

So I'm done. I don't do this politics crap.. I never have. 

If you want to be my friend.. be my friend. I won't be toyed with, or given ultimatums. I won't let you dictate who I can and cannot associate with.  If you don't like my friends, thats fine.. not everyone likes everyone.. I won't require you to like them. I also won't require you to drop a friend that happens to be an enemy of mine. (Hell I hung out with friends of Hock's last night without a problem)

I either trust you as a friend or I don't.  You either trust me as a friend or you don't.

But I tell you both this.. Blogger A and Blogger B.. until you two can live as friends, I will not RT or Mention either of you on Twitter. I will not be publicly friends with either of you, as your fighting has now really hurt me.

Its days like today, that I am ashamed to be among the "Dating Bloggers".

OMG Like Seriously? HS Still Happens

Last night was fun in a torturous "OMG Seriously" kind of way.

To start the evening off right, I'd spent most of the afternoon yesterday goofing off and not prepping for my performance last night. Then when I arrived at the theatre, I started to do my own prep. Since this is a small production, I'm in charge of my own props and prep work. I prepped half of my stuff but totally forgot to prep the rest.

So half way through my first set, I reach for a prop and its not there. I think I covered well.. but holy crap was I freaking out. After that set, I stole the next few minutes of downtime and finished my prep work so the next couple sets would go flawless. Hopefully.

Besides all this, I knew in the audience somewhere was one of the girls I mentioned briefly in my Women Who Hate Women post. I knew in advance that she was coming (I'm privy to her FB still), so I kept watching the audience to see where she was.

In the play, the audience travels from set to set and seating is limited. So we have tour-guides that lead the audience in small groups through the production. Meg turned out to be in the last group of audience.

She knew I was in the production, but she'd come to support my director who was a "friend" of hers. So she should have known which piece to avoid getting close to, if she truly wanted to ignore me.

Instead she sat right in the front row. My piece is semi-interactive, where I get close and personal and ask rhetorical questions of the audience... and she's in the front row.

I thought OMG how fun, I can pick on her.. I can ask her these pointed questions and single her out.

But through my entire piece, Meg covered her face up to her eyeballs with her program. Any time I tried to make eye contact in her general area, she'd look away to the wall, the ceiling, or the floor. It was seriously insane.

Inside I was seriously laughing at her. Meg is a grown woman of 30, still holding a grudge about something (I have no idea what exactly I actually did btw) from 7-8 months ago. Holding a grudge so tightly, that while she's made it completely clear we're not friends, she still cannot make eye contact or acknowledge my presence? What are we in HS? (actually in HS, I never knew any girl to go this far for this long)

After the production, all of us actors are "required" to go out and say Hi to the audience and socialize. We get to change back into our normal clothes for this. So after the show I hurried out to see what would happen next or if she'd scurried out.

Meg was still there, and wooo hoo... she was talking to my director and my Crush which is normally where I head after the show anyway. I don't know many other people in the cast. So I made a beeline to them. She did her best not to see me. She didn't say hi or comment on my production. I interjected the conversation to ask my Crush the details on what he'd been talking about as he'd mentioned my favorite bar in town.

It was then her friend (the girl she dragged with her) saw me and embarrassed the crap out of Meg by enthusiastically greeting me. Her friend and I had met briefly once about 9 months ago (through Meg btw) and obviously this girl was not informed to ignore me like all the other mutual friends we'd had. Meg could not escape.

Her friend would not be deterred and when on and on about how much she enjoyed my piece and how well I did, and how watching it she'd gotten so mesmerized that she totally forgot she knew me. She seriously went on very excitedly for about 10 minutes, so much so, that by the end of it.. it would have been very unseemly rude for Meg not to comment as well.

Meg whispered out as if she'd been forced to by torture, "Yeah good job". To which I was extremely gracious. "Thank you."

It was too funny.

As I turned my head to talk to my Crush about a new play he'd written, Meg positioned herself to talk to her friend so that her back was then to me. It was an instantaneous move which cut me and her friend from conversing again.

I laughed. Meg and I run in the same circles a lot. We have a lot of mutual friends. We're going to end up at the same parties, and for her to keep up this type of behavior is so silly that all I can do now is laugh. Its hysterical.