Bring On The Booze

I'm searching for titles for this post.

"Worst Christmas Ever"
"Missed Christmas This Year"
"I almost died on Christmas"
"Where is Santa Claus when you need him?"

As I was driving up north to visit family, I found myself caught in a blizzard. After praising myself for having mad snow driving skills, which is surprising because my ex never thought I did. He was from Norway, and thus had far greater driving skills than me. So he said.

So after giving myself kudos for proving him wrong. Asshole. I began to realize that I wasn't going to make it anywhere that night.

Christmas Eve stuck in a snowstorm. Scared, and with the way it was coming down in an area of the US where most people don't see snow and don't know how to drive on it. My chances of survival without wrecking the car, or having someone wreck into me, suddenly got a lot smaller. I was alone with my dog. What hotel was going to allow her in?

I began to think about last Christmas. Last Christmas, I had thought was the worst Christmas ever. My ex had just left me, and refused me any kind of contact. I got no explanation no closure. The Christmas in Norway trip we'd planned (because he wanted to spend Christmas with his family, and didn't want me to be alone -his exact words) suddenly was cancelled for me. I had no plans for Christmas, and knew no one to spend it with. I couldn't think of a worse Christmas scenario.

Now this one was rivaling it. Toe to Toe.

The storm took most of my concentration so I couldn't break down as much as I wanted to.. as much as I longed to.. I couldn't give in to the despair.

So I drove carefully, cautiously, and hoped like hell everything would turn out fine. I traveled a whole 162.3 miles in 10 hours in a complete blizzard. I only know this because of my trip meter on my car from the last place I filled up gas, and the last place I went to the bathroom before driving into the storm. 10 hours stuck freezing on the road, literally without a pot to piss in.

Approximately 4.5 of these hours I was not moving at all. No one was. Thankfully I had 3G service in the area and my phone charger. So I twittered, read emails, played some games and begged strangers to call me. My parents called gave me weather updates and found a hotel for me & the dog (now only to get there), my best friend would call and give me more weather. And @NJTunaFisherman called and like the awesome man he is, talked to me until his phone battery died. @HarryLang, @Myerman, @AustinDirtyDog, and @BrunoBulldogRVA twittered with me, making sure I was ok, and helped me keep my sanity.

I forced myself to stay strong, and thought of ways things could be better. If I'd had a hot man with me, we could have spent those 4 hours doing untold things. I dreamt about those things, and the hotel, and well.. lots of things.

There was no real need to panic. Other than the lack of toilet, I could survive in my car for days if it didn't get too cold. I always take my own bedding if I can, so I had a pillow and a comforter in the car. Several changes of clothes, two coats, @MissMelisaMae's fabulously warm scarf, gloves, a scraper, about a weeks worth of safe food (I had brought things to share with family). I was lowish on water but had a half gallon in the trunk (in my brita filter pitcher) if it didn't freeze, a gallon of apple juice, some berry juice, two liters of KFP coke, as well as lunch meat, crackers, nuts, and strawberries in my snackbag. I even had a couple rolls of toilet paper if I needed it. The only things I didn't have that I might need were window washer fluid with antifreeze in it, an endless supply of gas (I had enough but not for overnight), some gravel, and a shovel.

Still even with all that, I wanted to be comforted. I wanted to know I'd make it to my hotel. I wanted some real hope of Christmas. I hung on to that remaining sliver.

After finally making it to my hotel at 2am, and winding down to sleep at 3am, my dog decided to bark at every noise outside our door from 6am on. Tired and groggy, I attempted to sleep through it with no success. At 10am, my parents called and said it was now blizzarding in the north. I wouldn't be able to make it there today. Stay another night, or go home?

The online road conditions made everything sound horrid. Travel everywhere was discouraged. I thought I was stuck again. So I called the front desk, he said people were moving at a good pace along the highway. So I called Fred in Dallas, and asked about the road conditions there. (Online it said all of Dallas was icy) He said there was a little slush but it was ok.

I decided to go home. It cost me a little over a tank and half ($30) in gas to get there which was less than half the price of my hotel. Much cheaper to go home and try another day. Plus home has my bed, my internet, my tv.

I made it home in 6.5 hours... a distance that yesterday had taken 13 hours. Unloaded the car, and sat down and watched my Netflix movies, and ate my holiday food stash. After the last 29 hours, 20 of which I was stuck in my car, I was not getting back in my car any time soon, but I was ready to party. So I had my own little celebration. Chilling on my couch with the dog.

My parents called and gave me weather updates. The storm was bad enough that even on the 26th the roads weren't clear enough up there for my family to gather for Christmas. It comforted me somewhat that not only did I miss Christmas, but most of my family had as well. And it was more evidence that I made a good choice to just come home.

Then my parents called again to inform me that everyone would be gathering for Christmas on New Years, at my sisters home. So it'd be an 18 hour drive. 13 is my max of what I can do in a day, so there'd be extra hotel both ways. $$$ plus then I'd end up missing NYE.

So.. I had to choose. Another huge car trip and more costs to have Christmas with family (and miss NYE)... or go out an party with friends and possibly meet a cute guy and have a great New Years Eve.

I'd already mourned the loss of Christmas already and the thought of a road trip nearly gives me hives right now.. heck I'm adverse to the thought of driving almost everywhere right now.. So I'm staying put.

Bring on the BOOZE!

Mental Help Please!

I am in many ways screwed. This is how it is often, and why I very much doubt that I'll ever find someone I really like to like me back.

The crux of my problem is a very deep seated issue of trust.. or shall I say distrust.

So when I find myself knee-deep in like with someone all bets are off.. Actually if people wanted to take up bets, it would be a really safe bet that I will in a relatively short time piss said someone off to the point of never speaking to me again.

I realized yesterday that I am at this particular stage of hell with Mr. Christian. To fully grasp why I am at this stage of like with him so quickly requires me to backtrack to my youth.

Since the beginning of time as I've known it, I have always wanted a good Christian husband. I was raised by a very religious family. We went to church every Sunday. We didn't socialize with most other families in town (900 population) but those that went to our small church. As such, church was my social life for the first 5 yrs of my life. School and church became my social life until I left for college, and yes I mean literally (or close enough).

Though I lived in a small town or maybe especially because I lived in a small town, I wasn't allowed to socialize like most kids my age. 90% of my class were products of divorced parents or products of single motherhood. Due to my mother's religious beliefs and possibly concern for my safety, I was not allowed to go anyone's house whose parents or adults in the home were not married. I could visit if their parent was single and not dating, but as soon as they were dating or having "sleepovers" I was no longer allowed. I wasn't allowed to be out past dark until High School, and then I had to be home at 10pm unless I was at a valid school function. I wasn't allowed to hang out downtown at the gas station or ride the streets. In a small town, word nearly always got back to my mother and so it wasn't worth the risk.

I joined nearly every school activity possible and made peace with being an outcast and social misfit. The only place I felt any kind of social comfort was at church once we moved to a larger church in a nearby city where there were several kids my age. The larger church was amazing and lead by a very conservative yet strangely open-minded pastor (maybe open-minded is a bit misleading, he encouraged free thought, biblical education, and discussion rather than people just swallowing absentmindedly whatever he said). He began me on the religious path that I've been on, and sadly has ruined me for any church since, but I'm getting off track.

What I'm trying to get across here is that for the 18 yrs of my life (and longer), church was my social outlet, my safe place, my rock.

It was then I went to college. Up until my college years, my exposure to any kind of Christian man were very few. Most were years older than me and for that reason alone if nothing else, they did not find me suitable. In the large church, there was one man my age and despite any hopes I might have had (he was gorgeous) he never seemed interested. (Due to events after that, I suspect that he may have been gay.)

In college though there were many Christian men, and I was ill prepared for it. Men who would proclaim Christian but wouldn't be. Men who would devote 100's of hours to Christian groups and activities, and yet would do themselves everything they admonished in others. Then there were the real Christian men, and they wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.

The free-thinking pastor had ruined me for them. I was too smart and too biblically educated. I could argue their falsehoods and prove them wrong, for which they found me detestable. Yet, I could not and even now cannot keep silent when I know something is really wrong.

It was this that got me excluded from every Christian venue I've tried. For the first few years of college, I was extremely active in the Christian groups, or so I thought. It wasn't until I was 3 yrs in, that I found out there were bible studies. I had never been invited, and when I found out I tried to join one. I was refused. I tried churches since then, but I never feel comfortable and it doesn't usually take too long before I find something I disagree with that if questioned gets me ostracized.

So my goal of a Christian husband became something of a pipe-dream to me. Because of the way I was treated (over and over again), I slowly began to seek my own religion. Suddenly I woke to most of my friends being agnostics and atheists. To the point where I wondered if anyone really believed in God anymore other than crazies and zealots.

Then there was my ex-husband. When we first started dating, I asked him what religion he was. It really was important to me that he be Christian. He mumbled something about Lutheran being the religion of Norway and that they'd go on Easter and Christmas. He said he was open to attending whatever church I wanted, and learning more about it. From this, I believed him to be at the very least a God-fearing man. I tried to find us a church, but alas it never worked out. It actually wasn't until 3-5 yrs into the marriage that I found out that my husband was actually an atheist. He'd always been an atheist and he'd mislead me. It was monumentally hurtful to me as among other things I loathe lying, but we were married til death do we part. So I tried to move past it, then he left me and we divorced. (One of his best decisions.)

Raised in the breed of Christianity that I was, I gave up on finding a Christian man. I was divorced, and assumed that no Christian man would even think twice about me, let alone my whole free-thinking ways.

Now here is one. He knows I'm divorced. (I believe he is as well.) He's smart, funny, social, and cute. He drinks (I assume in moderation). He believes in pre-marital sex. He doesn't like strip clubs. And he might.. maybe.. like me.

So now that you have an idea of why I'm falling in such deep like with a nearly complete stranger...

The crux of my problem.. When I really like someone like this.. I WILL FUCK IT UP.

Its inevitable. As I tend to guard my heart.

When I start to "love" I don't know any other way than with every part of me. Despite my brain telling me to be cautious, my heart jumps all the way in. Thus I often get hurt and get hurt bad.

So I attempt to guard my heart.

Which results in miscommunications like the following:

"I really love that you're so dedicated to what you believe in" really gets said as "I'm so glad you're not one of those religious freakazoids."

"I'm so glad I met you. I love being around you." really gets said as "Uh yeah, it was fun." or worse "Yeah it was fun though next time give me a heads up so I can put on my comfy shoes"

I turn from flirty and honest into sarcastic and bitchy. I can feel myself doing it already, and I am sooooo trying not to.

I may seriously need some mental help.

Date or Sex Buddy Audition?

Ok.. I knew there was something I was forgetting yesterday when I was posting updates..

Do you remember Mr One-Arm Hug date that I went on last week? The one I was waiting on an email and was certain it was pretty much a failure?

He emailed me on Friday. He stated that he had a good time and

"Maybe we could get together again sometime."

Which I took as, the equivalent of letting me down easy. And being in a bitchy mood about his two-day wait to email me, I decided to wait to email him back. I finally emailed him last night (nearly a 3-day wait).

He happened to be online when I emailed him, and he emailed me back straight away asking if I had a hot tub at my place, and that he'd really like to get together again, grab a drink and soak with me.

Alarm bells are going off in my head. Am I just a pessimist? Maybe I am, but I'm getting the impression that he just wants sex. Maybe I'm wrong. I suppose I should take it as a good sign that he at least wants to see me in less clothes and a more intimate setting.

I'm heading to California to visit some friends for a week, so I wrote him back saying that no I don't have a hot tub and that I'm going to be out of town for a while and maybe we can get together once I get back.

He switched to IM. He really wants to get together soon, and asked the date of my return. Once I told him, he wanted to get together as soon as I got back. Which I'd take as a very damn good sign, if I could get the thoughts of "all he wants is sex" out of my head.

He was very excited about the possibility of a hot tub, and said, "If I find a hot tub, will you soak with me?"

I thought about it. Thought some more. Then figured.. oh what the hell.. if all he wants is sex its better to find it out now. So I agreed.

He's currently on a mission to find one. (I'm seriously hoping that he fails. Anyone else think that he just wants sex?).

-- On a separate note, my workaholic sex-buddy contacted me and wants to get together. We may or may not get together tonight (depends on his work). Some days I really love being single.

Honesty And There's Honesty

I have to thank "True Heart in Jersey" for today's post. While not directly her fault, she did recommend the site on which I found this lovely profile. She'd claimed that the men on these sites in her area were undesirable, but I think this one might take the cake.

I was searching through one of her posted pet sites and saw a profile of a decent looking male advertising that he liked BBWs. My curiosity got the better of me and so I checked out his profile.

First he admits that he just got out of a bad relationship with a BBW and is now looking for a different partner.

Woo Hooo... Damaged and honest about it.. sign me up!

Now I do have to give him some credit for staying with this person for 3 yrs despite no sexual contact for 1.5 yrs right? Yes? No? (Are you scared yet?)

He just moved here and is staying with family where he feels "safe" (seriously a direct quote).

What the hell did she do to him? Just how damaged is he if he had to move in with family to feel safe?

He continues that he's looking for a woman who wants a partner that isn't afraid of work. (Come on.. what woman doesn't love a working man? Or is he wanting a woman that isn't afraid of work?)... and that she would like for him to move in with her to get to know each other on a first hand basis.

WOOOOOOOAH DAWGIES... Big Red Flashing Warning Signs.

But sadly... I'm not done.. nor is he..

He continues to state that he wants to get away from his family (wait, I thought he was safe there?) and out on his own, but there are no jobs in his area.

He ends with "Interested? My tongue is pierced and I love to give oral as well as receive."

Wow.. There is some honesty. Gotta give him some points for that. He also gets extra bonus points for the flashing neon red warning signs.

If only ruling out unsuitables was always this painlessly easy. Sheesh.

Seriously? What Crack Are You On?

BITR txt'd me today. "U around?"

Me: "Why?"

BITR: "So I can call u"

Boggle.

Rather than replying, I just dialed his number. I was not about to waste my txt msgs on this.

He answered and told me all about his day yesterday. Job interview ran late, rugby, beers/networking.. He didn't get home til 12:30 last night, and he figured I'd be asleep.

I replied. "You were supposed to call me yesterday so we could get together. No where in that activity of yesterday did it occur to you to call me and give me a heads up? I can see when you log in. You logged in at 6pm. It didn't occur to you to send me a quick note stating you weren't going to have time?"

To be fair, my tone was not happy. I'd just finished a phone call to AT&T to get them to stop anally raping me, so I wasn't in the best mood.

But seriously? What kind of balls would you have to have to pull that shit?

I barely got half way through my spiel and he interrupted: "Obviously things aren't working out. Sorry to have bothered you. Have a good day." Click.

While its always sad to see someone you'd invested in walk away, I'm very glad he did.