The Good Fight

There is nothing like a good fight. Ok... arguement.. discussion.. whatever you want to call it when two people disagree, voice it, and come to a resolution.. hopefully without killing each other or causing undue bodily or emotional/mental harm.

I like a good arguement. Not all the time. Not every day. But when the time it is right, the subject is right, then yes.. a good arguement.

I've always known the importance of disagreement. Partly from my parents who when I was a child disagreed often and probably more so than was healthy. But they worked it out, and this is eventually what I took away from it.

Then came the ex.. He disagreed on nothing. A few times he'd disagree, and I'd start to get into my arguing mode producing my evidence for my stance, and he'd back down. I assumed (wrongly) that because he did so.. that the subject was not important or that I'd turned him to agree with me.

What I didn't know.. and didn't understand.. is that while I understood good arguements and resolution.. He didn't.

While I love his father.. it wasn't until way late in the marriage when I realized that it was his father who taught him this. His father taught him to back down to any confrontation from a woman. If she said it.. she got her way. Period. (Partly this is because his mother is a lunatic..)

So I was left most of the marriage trying to get out of my ex what it was that he wanted. I tried coaxing it out of him. I tried giving him options of compromises that I'd agree to.. to which he merely let me do whatever it was I wanted.. all the while myself knowing that he had an opinion he just didn't want to share it.

He refused to tell me things that might possibly in some way of any kind.. upset me. Sometimes these were minor things.. he'd broken a glass.. and sometimes these were major things.. the company was downsizing or there was something wrong with his health.

To most people.. he'd be considered a nice guy.. to me, he was a doormat. Passive-aggressive. His way of dealing (by not dealing) caused me more stress than anything. I worried. I fretted. I nearly drove myself crazy trying to get answers out of him.

Then I gave up. Really. He said it was ok to get whatever curtains I wanted. I would. I stopped consulting him on things. I did whatever I wanted. He did whatever he wanted. We had our routine and stuck to that. I pretended not to care.. until I really didn't anymore.

Probably needless to say that we drifted apart. The thing is.. the relationship probably could have been salvaged.. if only we'd had that fight. We had the anger anyway. We had the resentment. We just never had the resolution.

Since then, I've noticed how that has changed me. Downside: I don't press people for anything anymore (which often means I don't ask anyone any questions and it can look like I don't care). Upside: If someone doesn't answer me, or doesn't want to talk to me.. I move on without care to someone who does.

But I also find myself really liking a good argument (not a forced argument.. don't be silly and try to make a fight) where both viewpoints are expressed.. I find myself respecting the other person a whole ton.. and sometimes finding them sexy where before I did not.

Its not about arguing for arguement's sake.. its about the freedom to express yourself and your partner feeling free to express themselves.. its not about the conflict.. its about your ability to have it and still come to a resolution.

Its not the fight.. its the making up. Its about honesty. Its about trust. Its about making sure you’re both on the same path… Together.

Will He or Won't He Marry Me?

I keep hearing this "horror" stories about girls who date guys for year and years and years, and complain that the guy doesn't marry them.

If you are one of these girls... SHUT UP and be happy or GET OUT.

Those are your choices.

If a guy wants to marry you, he will.  Unless he's majorly stupid, he'll know relatively soon.

There's some really great advice on this over at LuvemorLeavem.

Personally, unless the guy has said he never ever wants to marry again. In which case, I know going in that marriage is not on the table. I won't date anyone more than 2 yrs, and after the first year I'm evaluating whether or not I want to stay as I'm already feeling like he's not going to propose (aka not that into me).

Yes, I know... you think I'm crazy and that I should give men more time.

In my family, there is little divorce. Partly because its just not done, and partly because we don't do wishy washy. You either want to, or you don't.

Most marriages in my family.. on both sides of my family.. the engagement happened around the 6 month mark, and were married by a year or so into the relationship.  So from starting dating to married was roughly a years time. (Some were less than a years time btw)

This is my background or my examples of long-term marriage. 

I've also seen long-term dating work out well, but those couples are also on the same page. They don't expect marriage or want marriage and are perfectly happy with things as they are.  They work out things together, rather than one of them whining behind the other's back about their legal status.

So to these girls sitting through years of dating.. 

Are you ok with being committed to someone verbally or do you need a legal document?  Are you ok with simply being happy together or do you want the big party?

Figure out what you want.. What you need to be happy, and stick to it.

The right guy for you will want to give you what you need to happy, and maybe more.

Stop playing victim. Make a choice. Make a decision. He'll respect you more for it. And if he's not willing to give it to you, you can stop wasting your time on him.

Social Circles, Gossip, & Vanity

So last night I go to this social thing I've committed myself to going. Third night of social outing in a row, and I'm wanting to shoot myself so I can get out of going.

So I drag myself. I'm late because I put up so much resistance that I completely lost track of time.

I'm supposed to be there at 6:30.. the party went until 8pm. I show up at 8:15. I know I'm bad.

The party is still going, but I see absolutely no one I know. Then I see Mr Smoking Hottie. He's married, but he's great eye candy.

He introduces me to his friend, Ms Hottottie. She's awesome and we hit it off. Next I'm meeting another woman Ms Short&Sassy... and we're all having a good time.

Then I get the gossip. I would never in a million years deduced what was actually going on under the scenes.

Turns out.. Mr Sexy TechGuru isn't happy in his marriage. I'd picked up hints that this was the case, but nothing out of the ordinary "My wife is irritating me today".

New friend, Ms Short&Sassy is totally all about him and wanting to show him some happy. (seriously)

My other new friend, Ms. Hottottie was talking all night about this married guy that she is craving. She told me all about him and his wife. No one has ever met his wife. His life, kids etc. Supposedly he toggles between married and separated? Maybe an open relationship? He kissed her at the party... well in private anyway.

I assumed this was someone outside the circle or someone I didn't know. Oh no.. this is a guy I know. A guy that I thought was just friendly.. now maybe not so much friends? All I know is that he's hot enough to make me consider otherwise.

So.. anyway thats not all.

This engaged couple.. are all about to break up. Another couple are about to start dating... it went on and on.

Now I'm not sure what I've walked into. I am totally going to have to hang with Ms. Hottottie more often though. She's a ton of fun. I may need to get some dating tips from her.

So after this party, I'm a little wired and I'd promised to go to a charity function. It was free and just a couple blocks away. I knew from the few of my friends that were going.. the people there would be rich and/or hot.

I was not prepared for it.

It was wall to wall smoking hot people. Hot men. Hot women. Those that weren't hot were dressed in head to toe MOH-NEY. I felt like I'd stepped into a whole different universe, and while I was dressed appropriately... I felt like I should instead be in a revealing cocktail dress, decked out in diamonds and fur, and several sizes smaller.

I attempted to schmooze. A couple people were nice and social and not annoying, but most were completely brainless and completely superficial. I said Hi to the few friends who showed up, and then when I could no longer stand the vapidness and boredom I left.

Had I gone on a night when I was feeling more social I'm sure things would have turned out better, but as it was.. I was OMG GET ME OUT OF HERE.. and checked myself for hives as I ran out the door.

I will not be going to one of those again without a huge party of girlfriends or a millionaire on my arm.

More On More To Love

I watched the latest episode of "More To Love" last night. On one hand, I'm happy because he finally got rid of the bitchy-backstabber woman, on the other hand the show still disturbs me.

This time its much less him and his understanding "playboy" ways of getting fat women to love him... and much more the women themselves.

Did the show go out and find the most pathetic fat women out there? Many of them have never dated before.. those that have their previous relationships were always with some dickhead who used them.

Sure I've dated dickheads, but seriously wasn't there at least one time in their lives that they actually found a decent guy .. even for a few minutes?

Sure there's something about the bachelor on the show.. generally bordering on pathological.. something sexy about him.. but...

Well.. I guess it is hard to find a nice guy.

The thing I thought was the most disturbing was the "good wife/bad wife" game. They all sat around and judged each other on whether they'd be a good wife or a bad wife. Bitchy-backstabber woman seemed to only think that women who were level headed with good organizational skills and cooking skills could apply. Others simply voted on people they liked versus people they didn't.

So what makes for a good wife? Ask the husband. When it comes to marriage, and lasting.. its a party of two and no one else gets it. Seriously. How many couples do you know that "OMG they're getting a divorce?" and the couple staying together is one you're pretty sure they should part. Rarely does anyone else really pick the person someone ends up with, actually a lot of the time people around the happy couple are thinking "Seriously? You picked them?"