Guys Like Psycho Chicks

I feel horrid. I've neglected this blog.

So where have I been?  There's many parts.

First, I actually tried to take some time to do some real job searching. I know. I am amazed too.

Second, I got sick. Not normal sick, but scary sick to the point where I did not go anywhere or do anything, or even really talk to anyone.. Thus nothing to write.

I am starting to feel better.. that and I'm putting off going to bed because I now associate sleep with unpleasant sickness and pain. (I'm sure this psychosis is temporary)

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Anyway, I was talking today with my best friend.  She was telling me all about her ex-boyfriend who suddenly showed back up in her life acting as if they'd never been apart.

They'd split months ago. He left her with a whirl of psycho-ness burning all bridges. Aka he called her many unpleasant names and told her she was bad in bed among other things. He then left the country for work, and I guess is now back.

He IM'd her. She said "Hi" to be polite then quickly told him she didn't have time to talk and walked away.  He then showed up at her apartment and asked her if she wanted to go for a ride on his motorcycle.  She said no.

"What you don't like motorcycles anymore?"

She replied, "No, I just don't like you." and closed the door.

Chatting on the phone with me, she sounded off.

"What in the world could he possibly been thinking? What kinda crazy does he have to be to break up with me like that, leave the country without a word, and then come back and expect me to fall at his feet?"

It was the crazy that we began to discuss.

She'd told me enough of this man's past to know that he liked to date crazy. No no.. not just normal crazy women, but "Wow psycho" women. It was obvious to us now that he helped drive them there.

I have a policy not to date men who like to date crazy women. Its that whole drama thing that I find they're drawn to.. and if I'm not drama enough myself, I tend to find these men will drive me into it.. until I wake one day and I'm homicidal.  So yeah, I don't date guys who have a history of dating crazy women, mostly because I don't want to go to jail.

Anyway... I got off track...

We got to discussing this trend we're finding that men seriously like crazy chicks. I don't know what it is.. but they do.

I'm not sure if they're just so used to crazy that they don't know how to function in a relationship without it... or if its hardwired into their programming. 

Just so you all know.. there are a few girls out there who can be rational most of the time. I know.. you don't believe me. *sigh*

If this trend doesn't fix itself though... My BFF and I are going to start "psycho chick" training classes.  I mean.. if you can't beat 'em.. join 'em.. right?

Apres Wigout Perspective

Yesterday, I wigged out. I have a million and one reasons why, including yesterday's post topic, but most of those reasons are solved with a little pill called Benadryl.

What I did learn from yesterday is that:

1. Religion is much more important to me than I originally thought.

2. I've neglected my own spirituality. Partly because I really do not have many spiritual people in my life.

3. I should probably try/attempt to find a church in town again. If for no other reason to judge for myself if its nostalgia calling, or something thats right for me now.

Yesterday, I was very disproportionally concerned that Mr. Christian did not like me and that I'd offended him by a sarcastic email (meant to be humor). It consumed me.

At times, I can be a complete mental case and lucky for you all, I was one! :)

I drove myself crazy. I wasn't living in the NOW. I didn't ask myself the Four Questions that can change my life. Instead of seeking self-understanding in a productive way, I chose to drive myself nuts with "What is he thinking?"

Now had Mr Christian any idea of what I was thinking, he truly would be justified in getting out a restraining order.

Luckily for me, I came to my senses before actually doing anything rash. Yay me! (special thanks to my friends for bearing with me)

About half way through my wigout yesterday, I got a call from Mr. A (from Monday night's costume shop event). We'd met Monday and went to dinner. Tuesday night he called me to say Hi and ask me about the iPhone. Wednesday night, he calls me to ask me out for Saturday.

Its been a while since I've seen such dedicated interest and planning in a man, which is why I said yes, despite my reservations that things will not work out.

It was this that knocked me somewhat back to my senses. Mr Christian had not asked me out nor had he called. Granted, Mr Christian has my email address and Mr A does not. Still, Mr Christian hasn't stepped up... yet anyway.

I wondered to myself what in the hell had happened to me. A few weeks ago I wasn't even sure I wanted a relationship at all. The mere thought of having to give up something or change my habits at all in order to accommodate another person into my life nearly had me breaking out in hives. And now I'm freaking out and obsessing over some guy (really great guy nonetheless but just a guy)?? I gave myself a time out, and watched TV. No thinking. No brooding. No obsessing. Total mind-numbing TV time.

I woke today back in Sanityville. Hopefully I stay here for a while. In the meantime, I do need to work on me and address my own spirituality issues.

Damaged

I think I might be crazy. Really. Yesterday I had a relatively innocent conversation with a guy online and I started crying. Not in a bad way, but in a relieved sort of way.

I looked back over the conversation later trying to find the point that set me off, and couldn't find one. It was simply just a regular conversation between two people talking about their lives, and briefly mentioning their divorces.

I think it was the briefly mentioning the divorces that got me initially. I rarely talk about my ex any more, and bringing up those memories tends to bring up some of my issues.

I remember we ended up talking about sex and how towards the end of his marriage he wasn't getting any. (He wasn't mentioning it in a creepy I need sex kinda way, but in a discussion about how dating has changed it was a brief mention) So I mentioned that I understood it since the last 4 yrs of my marriage was completely sexless.

Looking back, I can't believe I went that long without sex as if it was just something normal. I'd accepted it as part of my life and how my marriage just was. It wasn't my decision really, but something that just developed because of unresolved issues on his part.

It wasn't until we separated that I started to truly grasp just how messed up all that time had made me. How much I'd sacrificed needlessly. How much of myself I'd shut down and turned off. I was a husk of a woman really.

Talking to this gentleman about it, even ever so briefly, brought back to mind all those emotions and feelings.. and even the slightest thought that someone somewhere might actually understand what I went through.. thats when the tears let loose.

Its just one of the things I gave up for my marriage.. just one. Is it any wonder that when people try to get me to give up anything now that I run like the wind?

I've actually met some great guys, but they all want me to change something, or give something or compromise something. Whether its give up too much of my free time, or be free whenever they think I should, or dress a certain way, or grow my hair out, or cut my hair, or get a tan, or simply paint my toenails a different color.. it doesn't matter. The minute I feel constricted is the minute I want out.

I've tasted freedom, and I like it. I like it a lot!

Honesty And There's Honesty

I have to thank "True Heart in Jersey" for today's post. While not directly her fault, she did recommend the site on which I found this lovely profile. She'd claimed that the men on these sites in her area were undesirable, but I think this one might take the cake.

I was searching through one of her posted pet sites and saw a profile of a decent looking male advertising that he liked BBWs. My curiosity got the better of me and so I checked out his profile.

First he admits that he just got out of a bad relationship with a BBW and is now looking for a different partner.

Woo Hooo... Damaged and honest about it.. sign me up!

Now I do have to give him some credit for staying with this person for 3 yrs despite no sexual contact for 1.5 yrs right? Yes? No? (Are you scared yet?)

He just moved here and is staying with family where he feels "safe" (seriously a direct quote).

What the hell did she do to him? Just how damaged is he if he had to move in with family to feel safe?

He continues that he's looking for a woman who wants a partner that isn't afraid of work. (Come on.. what woman doesn't love a working man? Or is he wanting a woman that isn't afraid of work?)... and that she would like for him to move in with her to get to know each other on a first hand basis.

WOOOOOOOAH DAWGIES... Big Red Flashing Warning Signs.

But sadly... I'm not done.. nor is he..

He continues to state that he wants to get away from his family (wait, I thought he was safe there?) and out on his own, but there are no jobs in his area.

He ends with "Interested? My tongue is pierced and I love to give oral as well as receive."

Wow.. There is some honesty. Gotta give him some points for that. He also gets extra bonus points for the flashing neon red warning signs.

If only ruling out unsuitables was always this painlessly easy. Sheesh.