The Almost Perfect Guy

Last night I went out to a singles event. It was supposed to be a bunch of singles from my general vicinity and the tall-people singles, so I figured there would be some chance of a tall single man.

I get there and I cannot find the group. I walk around feeling like a complete moron because I cannot even find my friend that is supposed to meet me there. I am freaking out.

But I find them, and its all girls. Ok, I lie. Its all girls and 3 guys. None of the 3 guys are guys that I find attractive. One of them is really cute, but he's so short that my breasts are at his eye level. If we dated, I'd either have to really get used to him talking to my boobs, or help shell out money for his chiropractic sessions. The next guy is really not my type, and even though I'm sitting two feet from him he makes absolutely no attempt to even notice I'm there. And then there's the obviously foreign guy. He's looks really middle eastern, and is extremely socially awkward. I'd met him vaguely once before and he's really from a different country.

So I sit back with Chrissy and she starts asking me if I find anyone attractive. Chrissy has a bald black man fetish, so she's already scanned the room and seeing none is now more interested in being my wingwoman.

She's still trying to figure out my type. I don't really have "one" as far as physical. Sure sure there's looks that will make my head spin, my tongue hang out, and I might have to resist the urge to lock them up in my basement... but when it comes to a real "dating relationship" I'm more about what's inside. (well within a few physical limits anyway)

So she points out this guy across the room in an argyle sweater. He's cute, but not my thing. His friend though is a very sexy bald guy. Some guys can pull it off.. some can't. He can. Chrissy sees him and is interested. She then finds out by accident that the girl next to her is their co-worker.

So as the guys finish playing their billiards across the room, they make their way over to their co-worker.. and ta-da.. to us!

They're both imports from South Africa. I am SOOOO not interested, but I make small talk and have fun. Giam (the bald guy) is hilarious and fun, his friend Jack is an ass. So we all (there's like 5 of us girls) circle around Giam.

I keep trying to pull Chrissy and Giam together with conversation. You know keep him talking to her. He keeps talking to me, then goes over and talks a while with another girl next to me.

By this time I've already gotten loosened up with two vodkas, and my conversation with @MasterDater earlier in the day about small penises comes back into my head.. and..

I say a joke about the conversation to Chrissy loud enough that the girl next to me overhears.. and.. every man within three feet turns to join our conversation. Giam is all back talking to me. Literally everyone stopped all their other conversations and came running. I however laughed my ass off. (Do not mention penis out loud in a group of singles)

So we spent the next 10 minutes or so talking about penises and if you should talk about your penis. (It was a resounding NO, Never talk about your penis. Which I'm one of the advocates for silence in this case as well).

The rest of the night was basically the same conversation theme. One conversation about penis during the day set my mind into guttermode and at every innocent opportunity to turn the conversation to sex... I managed to do it. (Not in the "I need laid so I'm talking about sex" but more of a funny yet matter of fact kind of way.. It just steered there of its own accord where 3 minutes later someone would ask "How in the world did we get started talking about sex?" and it would be traced back to some comment that I made. I should not talk sexual stuff before going out.

Anyway, Giam went off to play some more pool, and was chatting with Chrissy. Chrissy and I were about to leave to go to the part of the bar where the lamest band alive was playing because Chrissy wanted to dance, then Giam and Chrissy start talking religion.

Chrissy is very alternative faith. Very into meditation, new age, law of attraction.

Giam states that he's Christian and going to seminary school soon, and truly believes that no one has a right to push their religion on anyone else. *drool* To Chrissy, he might as well have said he was an axe-murderer, however my ears perk up and suddenly Giam looks 30 times hotter. We talk a bit about it, and then Chrissy & I head to a different room for the band.

Chrissy wants to dance, so I appease her and stay with the band even though my every thought by now is about Giam. I'm completely preoccupied. Giam does not look like a seminary guy. He doesn't act like he's uber-religious. He honestly looks like a cleaned up biker dude. So my head is trying to wrap my mind around a good looking rebel-looking guy at a bar, with fantastic social skills, drinking, having fun, playing pool.. going to seminary.

Chrissy makes a bathroom trip while I hold down the fort (aka coats and drinks, and open dance floor) and comes back.

"You remember Jack? He's gaming all over these girls in the other room."

She's laughing and I'm laughing. It took a "Hi" from Jack and thats all I needed to know that he's a douchebag/prick. I'm sure he's a nice guy as a friend, but hell would freeze over before I attempted to date him. Plus he was kind of a jerk to us earlier.. so..

"He is? OMG lets go ruin his game. Come on.. it'll be fun."

Chrissy is all for it. I'm partly going to ruin Jack's game, but mostly because I'm hoping that Giam will be around and I want to get away from the band.

We barely get over to Jack's area, and Giam is there. He sees us and looks happy. He completely stops talking to whomever he's talking to, and comes over to us.

"Hey, I thought you guys left."

We explained that we'd been to see the band, and that they blow big monkey chunks. (I may have added the monkey chunks. If you still like 80's hair bands, not remixes or redos of it, but the real stuff and you like to go see 80's hair band cover bands.. Please do not let me know or invite me. Thanks.)

We sat down at a nearby table, and I started asking Giam about seminary. Chrissy asked as well.

If there ever were perfect answers to "Why seminary" and "What do you believe" and "Ethics"... Giam said them.

Chrissy was not interested at all, but I've got a huge crush. HUGE crush.

I'm relatively sure seminary will beat the rationality and reason and compassion out of him.. but from what Giam said last night about his religious beliefs.. He could not have echoed my own any more perfectly. This is extremely ... extremely rare.

He's smart. He's currently working in software development.. A Geek. *drool* Ethics and beliefs are perfectly fitting with mine (from what I could tell so far, we didn't discuss everything), and he has a rocking body. I got tipsy enough that I was .. well a little more handsy than usual.

By the end of the night, if Giam had asked me to run away and marry him.. I would have said yes. I would have also been a little inebriated. Had we been in Vegas, I probably would have asked him... well maybe after a few more vodkas.

He left with his friends though. I'd given him my number earlier in the evening, and we'll see if he calls. I very much doubt he does, but I wish he would.

Though waking up this morning.. I'm pretty embarrassed. The guy is going to seminary.. and relatively soon after meeting him, I introduced a conversation about penises.. which honestly turned into a conversation about car/penis compensation.. which I then joking accused him of having a sports car (which he took in great stride btw, but still). Then after another drink, I walked by him and demonstrated on him for Chrissy the "walk by - feel up" that I do on occasion without his consent or knowledge that I was demonstrating it. Aka.. I just walked by and felt up a dude going to seminary.

Pretty sure he's not going to be calling.

On the other hand, after he left .. Mr Short from the group and Mr Middle Eastern came up like gang busters talking to us. Both of them at one point pulling me aside to talk one on one. Both asking for my number.

Exactly. The guys that I am NOT interested in.. all want me. Mr Middle Eastern has already attempted to add me on Facebook. *click* Ignore.

Apres Wigout Perspective

Yesterday, I wigged out. I have a million and one reasons why, including yesterday's post topic, but most of those reasons are solved with a little pill called Benadryl.

What I did learn from yesterday is that:

1. Religion is much more important to me than I originally thought.

2. I've neglected my own spirituality. Partly because I really do not have many spiritual people in my life.

3. I should probably try/attempt to find a church in town again. If for no other reason to judge for myself if its nostalgia calling, or something thats right for me now.

Yesterday, I was very disproportionally concerned that Mr. Christian did not like me and that I'd offended him by a sarcastic email (meant to be humor). It consumed me.

At times, I can be a complete mental case and lucky for you all, I was one! :)

I drove myself crazy. I wasn't living in the NOW. I didn't ask myself the Four Questions that can change my life. Instead of seeking self-understanding in a productive way, I chose to drive myself nuts with "What is he thinking?"

Now had Mr Christian any idea of what I was thinking, he truly would be justified in getting out a restraining order.

Luckily for me, I came to my senses before actually doing anything rash. Yay me! (special thanks to my friends for bearing with me)

About half way through my wigout yesterday, I got a call from Mr. A (from Monday night's costume shop event). We'd met Monday and went to dinner. Tuesday night he called me to say Hi and ask me about the iPhone. Wednesday night, he calls me to ask me out for Saturday.

Its been a while since I've seen such dedicated interest and planning in a man, which is why I said yes, despite my reservations that things will not work out.

It was this that knocked me somewhat back to my senses. Mr Christian had not asked me out nor had he called. Granted, Mr Christian has my email address and Mr A does not. Still, Mr Christian hasn't stepped up... yet anyway.

I wondered to myself what in the hell had happened to me. A few weeks ago I wasn't even sure I wanted a relationship at all. The mere thought of having to give up something or change my habits at all in order to accommodate another person into my life nearly had me breaking out in hives. And now I'm freaking out and obsessing over some guy (really great guy nonetheless but just a guy)?? I gave myself a time out, and watched TV. No thinking. No brooding. No obsessing. Total mind-numbing TV time.

I woke today back in Sanityville. Hopefully I stay here for a while. In the meantime, I do need to work on me and address my own spirituality issues.

Mental Help Please!

I am in many ways screwed. This is how it is often, and why I very much doubt that I'll ever find someone I really like to like me back.

The crux of my problem is a very deep seated issue of trust.. or shall I say distrust.

So when I find myself knee-deep in like with someone all bets are off.. Actually if people wanted to take up bets, it would be a really safe bet that I will in a relatively short time piss said someone off to the point of never speaking to me again.

I realized yesterday that I am at this particular stage of hell with Mr. Christian. To fully grasp why I am at this stage of like with him so quickly requires me to backtrack to my youth.

Since the beginning of time as I've known it, I have always wanted a good Christian husband. I was raised by a very religious family. We went to church every Sunday. We didn't socialize with most other families in town (900 population) but those that went to our small church. As such, church was my social life for the first 5 yrs of my life. School and church became my social life until I left for college, and yes I mean literally (or close enough).

Though I lived in a small town or maybe especially because I lived in a small town, I wasn't allowed to socialize like most kids my age. 90% of my class were products of divorced parents or products of single motherhood. Due to my mother's religious beliefs and possibly concern for my safety, I was not allowed to go anyone's house whose parents or adults in the home were not married. I could visit if their parent was single and not dating, but as soon as they were dating or having "sleepovers" I was no longer allowed. I wasn't allowed to be out past dark until High School, and then I had to be home at 10pm unless I was at a valid school function. I wasn't allowed to hang out downtown at the gas station or ride the streets. In a small town, word nearly always got back to my mother and so it wasn't worth the risk.

I joined nearly every school activity possible and made peace with being an outcast and social misfit. The only place I felt any kind of social comfort was at church once we moved to a larger church in a nearby city where there were several kids my age. The larger church was amazing and lead by a very conservative yet strangely open-minded pastor (maybe open-minded is a bit misleading, he encouraged free thought, biblical education, and discussion rather than people just swallowing absentmindedly whatever he said). He began me on the religious path that I've been on, and sadly has ruined me for any church since, but I'm getting off track.

What I'm trying to get across here is that for the 18 yrs of my life (and longer), church was my social outlet, my safe place, my rock.

It was then I went to college. Up until my college years, my exposure to any kind of Christian man were very few. Most were years older than me and for that reason alone if nothing else, they did not find me suitable. In the large church, there was one man my age and despite any hopes I might have had (he was gorgeous) he never seemed interested. (Due to events after that, I suspect that he may have been gay.)

In college though there were many Christian men, and I was ill prepared for it. Men who would proclaim Christian but wouldn't be. Men who would devote 100's of hours to Christian groups and activities, and yet would do themselves everything they admonished in others. Then there were the real Christian men, and they wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.

The free-thinking pastor had ruined me for them. I was too smart and too biblically educated. I could argue their falsehoods and prove them wrong, for which they found me detestable. Yet, I could not and even now cannot keep silent when I know something is really wrong.

It was this that got me excluded from every Christian venue I've tried. For the first few years of college, I was extremely active in the Christian groups, or so I thought. It wasn't until I was 3 yrs in, that I found out there were bible studies. I had never been invited, and when I found out I tried to join one. I was refused. I tried churches since then, but I never feel comfortable and it doesn't usually take too long before I find something I disagree with that if questioned gets me ostracized.

So my goal of a Christian husband became something of a pipe-dream to me. Because of the way I was treated (over and over again), I slowly began to seek my own religion. Suddenly I woke to most of my friends being agnostics and atheists. To the point where I wondered if anyone really believed in God anymore other than crazies and zealots.

Then there was my ex-husband. When we first started dating, I asked him what religion he was. It really was important to me that he be Christian. He mumbled something about Lutheran being the religion of Norway and that they'd go on Easter and Christmas. He said he was open to attending whatever church I wanted, and learning more about it. From this, I believed him to be at the very least a God-fearing man. I tried to find us a church, but alas it never worked out. It actually wasn't until 3-5 yrs into the marriage that I found out that my husband was actually an atheist. He'd always been an atheist and he'd mislead me. It was monumentally hurtful to me as among other things I loathe lying, but we were married til death do we part. So I tried to move past it, then he left me and we divorced. (One of his best decisions.)

Raised in the breed of Christianity that I was, I gave up on finding a Christian man. I was divorced, and assumed that no Christian man would even think twice about me, let alone my whole free-thinking ways.

Now here is one. He knows I'm divorced. (I believe he is as well.) He's smart, funny, social, and cute. He drinks (I assume in moderation). He believes in pre-marital sex. He doesn't like strip clubs. And he might.. maybe.. like me.

So now that you have an idea of why I'm falling in such deep like with a nearly complete stranger...

The crux of my problem.. When I really like someone like this.. I WILL FUCK IT UP.

Its inevitable. As I tend to guard my heart.

When I start to "love" I don't know any other way than with every part of me. Despite my brain telling me to be cautious, my heart jumps all the way in. Thus I often get hurt and get hurt bad.

So I attempt to guard my heart.

Which results in miscommunications like the following:

"I really love that you're so dedicated to what you believe in" really gets said as "I'm so glad you're not one of those religious freakazoids."

"I'm so glad I met you. I love being around you." really gets said as "Uh yeah, it was fun." or worse "Yeah it was fun though next time give me a heads up so I can put on my comfy shoes"

I turn from flirty and honest into sarcastic and bitchy. I can feel myself doing it already, and I am sooooo trying not to.

I may seriously need some mental help.