Insecurities and White Coats

First, I'd like to thank everyone for their helpful advice about Mac and for not outright calling me psychotic. :)

I'm not going to write off Mac yet, but I'm still leery.

Partly I'm leery because my alarm bells are going off, which I'm not usually that far off the mark... Ignoring alarm bells is what got me into the marriage from hell, so I'm cautious.

As I got to thinking about it yesterday, after viewing things from other's perspectives and going back and reading our text history... My alarm bells were set off by two things.

1. His leaving in the middle of conversations and not bothering to text me back a response in any kind of timely fashion. (Change in pattern)

2. We had been playing a subtle cat/mouse game where anytime the conversation got near anything obviously sexual, one of us would steer the conversation away from it. Usually him. It had made me feel safe, and that he wanted to get to know me. Then last week he changed that game by conversing obviously sexual every time we talked. (Change in pattern)

I was told that I'm "over-thinking and overreacting" and I may be. I probably am.

I want to trust Mac. I do. I should just relax and enjoy  the ride, but I'm terrified I'm going to get obliterated.

Partly, I'm insecure because I really like him which ups the stakes.

Partly, I'm insecure because I have no idea wtf he's doing with me. My own insecurities.

On a scale of hotness, Mac is about 8-9.  If he was a little taller (he's maybe 5'10 optimistically) he'd be a 10. He's physically fit, muscular without being body builder yucky, smart, driven, well-traveled, funny, and communicative for a man. He honestly could have any woman he wanted... or at least most women.

I on the other hand, am an acquired taste. Back in my "youth", I used to be able to get guys to approach me from across the bar.. any guy I wanted. I was also quite a bit skinnier then.  For someone my size, I'm smoking hot.  But thats for someone my size, and with my clothes on.  Clothes off.. is a whole different story.

My friends say I'm too harsh on myself and that I'm gorgeous. They're my friends they're supposed to say that. But if anyone knew my actual weight, they'd suddenly "understand".  I look about 50-75 pounds less than I actually weigh.

I think I'm honest about my "hotness" level.. and would place myself on the hotness scale as about a 6.  For some with skinny-girl-fetish, I'd be a 3-4. For people with a fat-girl-fetish, I'd be about a 8-9.

I just don't see Mac as having a fat girl fetish.  So I don't understand what in the world he's doing with me.

This reminds me a lot of an ex-boyfriend. One of those that "got away" per se. His name was Charlie. (seriously thats his real name - If you know Charlie, please let me know where he is, I'd love to see him again)

Charlie was drop dead gorgeous. He was constantly hit on by every hot girl in town, and could get laid anywhere anytime by almost any girl.  Suave, charming, sexy... He actually bared a resemblance to the "Marlboro Man" with his chiseled features, dark hair, and heart-stopping blue eyes.

And he wanted me.

Back then, I was much "lighter" and pretty sexy, even though he was obviously way hotter than me. (Seriously, the girls were like "Wtf is he doing with her?")  He and I got along famously personality wise and just being around Charlie was enough to make me smile.

It was actually during my "Waiting til Marriage" virginity phase, so he wasn't with me to get laid... though we spent most nights together. He actually promised me that he'd never try to have sex with me. He was dead serious and kept his word. (He actually said that when I did have sex I would want it all the time.. he wasn't far off.) I felt truly safe with him.

He was a functional alcoholic, though I didn't know it until we'd been together for two months. He'd said something along the lines of being accused of always drinking.

I replied with, "What? I've never seen you drunk."

He replied "Honey, you've never seen me sober"

To be honest, while I knew alcoholism is bad, I didn't care. I loved him, and would have stood by him through anything.

A month or so later he took a job out of state and we broke up. Sadly, one of my best and most healthy relationships ever was with an alcoholic. He always made me feel beautiful and safe and wanted.

While we were together, he gave me one of his jackets. It smelled like him and so I never washed it for years until the smell of him finally left it. I still have it.

I never did understand why Charlie was with me, and if things work out with Mac, I'm fairly sure I'll never understand why he's with me either.

But I suppose I should just chill and let the ride take me.. Wherever it leads.

A Beer With Friends

Last night I went to a beer lovers Happy Hour. To be perfectly honest there is very little that can ruin a night of good beer. There's just something calming about beer drinkers.

This was a very talked about Happy Hour and pretty much everyone I talked to in the last couple weeks was supposed to be there. It was also at a pub that I'd never been to yet, great place by the way.

It really was a great time. Not everyone showed up who was supposed to, but with a good 30 people to mix with, who cares. :)

I did get to see some friends I've not seen in months, some friends I haven't seen in weeks, and some friends that I came there hoping to see.. aka Don was there as he promised.

I actually didn't see Don right away. The group was spread out all over the pub, inside and out. So it wasn't until I got to the end of my first pint that I finally saw Don.

My first pint instead was spent (and yes I'm going to measure time in pints) catching up with some friend friends.

It wasn't really until last night that I started thinking that my looks might be detrimental. I totally forgot to post this conversation in my "Its All In Who You Know" post, but initially Don thought I was 26 or around there. I'm 36. I joked around for a while and refused to tell him my age. He started guessing younger, 25, 24, 23. And of course I laughed harder. He was serious. I was about to fall out of my chair laughing. When finally I did tell him my real age, his countenance changed to a look of shock then a look that can only be read as "OMG, you just suddenly became a viable interest." At the time, I wrote this off as his hang-up and thought it mildly amusing.

Then at the pub last night, I ran into a guy that I'd flirted with at my flirting group (I cannot find a post about it, so I must have forgotten to write it). Tim and I had flirted heavily, and it seemed there was some interest. However, last night, he seemed to only have eyes for this other girl (I know her, she's great) who looks her age (38) if not a bit older. So now I'm wondering if men may not take me as seriously because I look young? But thats another insecurity for another day.

I roam around for a while looking for familiar faces and new people to meet. I'm actually combing the place for wallflowers. Its what I do, since most times when I'm new to a group I am the wallflower and I want to make sure people come back to the group. The place though is so busy that its nearly impossible to tell who is or is not part of the group. I give up and go outside.

Outside is mostly bare because it had rained and the black clouds were still hanging in the sky. But at a picnic table outside was Evie and Jo, so I ventured over to say hi. They had dried off the seating and so I took a seat. Just as I took a seat, I heard a male voice say "Hi". I looked up, turned completely red, and said "Hi" back.

It was Don. He'd been sitting there the whole time and I didn't even notice. We chatted a bit, but I needed more beer. So I got up to get one.

The line for beer was long, so I chatted with a few people before I actually got in line. When I did get in line, suddenly Don walks in and gets in line beside me. I fake extra happy drunk voice and joking put my arm around him pulling him closer.

"Hey Don, lets get more beer"

I of course have stunned him. He puts his arm around me for a moment.

"So, you're a hugger." he says, with absolutely no give away intonation of liking or disliking it.

I laugh and we separate.

I'm actually not a hugger, unless its with men. But since moving to Austin, everyone I know is a hugger. So I guess I've picked that up a bit. Yet, I'm also "friendly" when I've had a drink or two.. so probably mostly that.

We get to the front of the line, and the bartender pours us both a beer, and Don pays for it. I was a little miffed at the bartender for assuming we were together. Mostly because I didn't want Don to feel like he had to pay for my beer, and I didn't have cash so I had a tab. It was a very awkward moment.

"You don't want me to buy you a beer? You'd turn down a free beer?"

(The holes I dig. Yes I wanted him to buy me a beer. Fuck but I can't say that can I?)

"No no.. its just that I didn't want you to feel like you had to buy me a beer. I have a tab."

He smiled. "There's no making me buy you a beer. If I want to buy you a beer I will, if I don't I won't."

"Sorry. Thank you for the beer."

He then also reminded me that it was cheap beer night and that we were in a sense quibbling over $3. My social graces need lots of work.

When we got back to the table outside, we talked a bit with the group at the table then Don got up to talk to a couple really cute girls that were standing in a group behind him. So I got up to find the rest of the group inside, with the excuse of getting the group together in one place.

So once back inside, I told the people inside the rest of the group was outside and that it wasn't raining. They all went outside. Job Done!

When I went back outside, Don was still talking with the girls. So I looked for other people to meet. I found some new people to the group, and dragged them around the group to meet people. By the time we made it back to the table, Don was back sitting down. So I introduced the new people to everyone and sat down with them at the table.

Conversation became lively and I kept getting dragged from one conversation to another and not getting much chance to talk to Don. It didn't matter much as the newbies were both guys and pretty cute in themselves. If Don really wanted to talk to me, he has my number. :)

It was then getting close to the end of the Happy Hour, and I went in for my third pint. Pint three was an interesting period which will take way too much time to explain. More mingling, and more flirting, but very little one on one with Don. Instead it was glances from across the room, sly smiles, and occasional winks.

I have no idea what is going on with him, but it was very enjoyable. I had free time to flirt with anyone I chose, and I could have cared less that he was flirting with other girls. He was still giving me plenty of encouragement, and knowing his ex-gf, I didn't really think the girls were his type.

Time will tell where his interests lie, and right now I'm ok with waiting.

(On a good note, I wanted to mention since my last post of Don might make him sound like a boozehound. He had 3 beers. He said that was his limit. I took that as a very encouraging sign.)