Insecurities and White Coats

First, I'd like to thank everyone for their helpful advice about Mac and for not outright calling me psychotic. :)

I'm not going to write off Mac yet, but I'm still leery.

Partly I'm leery because my alarm bells are going off, which I'm not usually that far off the mark... Ignoring alarm bells is what got me into the marriage from hell, so I'm cautious.

As I got to thinking about it yesterday, after viewing things from other's perspectives and going back and reading our text history... My alarm bells were set off by two things.

1. His leaving in the middle of conversations and not bothering to text me back a response in any kind of timely fashion. (Change in pattern)

2. We had been playing a subtle cat/mouse game where anytime the conversation got near anything obviously sexual, one of us would steer the conversation away from it. Usually him. It had made me feel safe, and that he wanted to get to know me. Then last week he changed that game by conversing obviously sexual every time we talked. (Change in pattern)

I was told that I'm "over-thinking and overreacting" and I may be. I probably am.

I want to trust Mac. I do. I should just relax and enjoy  the ride, but I'm terrified I'm going to get obliterated.

Partly, I'm insecure because I really like him which ups the stakes.

Partly, I'm insecure because I have no idea wtf he's doing with me. My own insecurities.

On a scale of hotness, Mac is about 8-9.  If he was a little taller (he's maybe 5'10 optimistically) he'd be a 10. He's physically fit, muscular without being body builder yucky, smart, driven, well-traveled, funny, and communicative for a man. He honestly could have any woman he wanted... or at least most women.

I on the other hand, am an acquired taste. Back in my "youth", I used to be able to get guys to approach me from across the bar.. any guy I wanted. I was also quite a bit skinnier then.  For someone my size, I'm smoking hot.  But thats for someone my size, and with my clothes on.  Clothes off.. is a whole different story.

My friends say I'm too harsh on myself and that I'm gorgeous. They're my friends they're supposed to say that. But if anyone knew my actual weight, they'd suddenly "understand".  I look about 50-75 pounds less than I actually weigh.

I think I'm honest about my "hotness" level.. and would place myself on the hotness scale as about a 6.  For some with skinny-girl-fetish, I'd be a 3-4. For people with a fat-girl-fetish, I'd be about a 8-9.

I just don't see Mac as having a fat girl fetish.  So I don't understand what in the world he's doing with me.

This reminds me a lot of an ex-boyfriend. One of those that "got away" per se. His name was Charlie. (seriously thats his real name - If you know Charlie, please let me know where he is, I'd love to see him again)

Charlie was drop dead gorgeous. He was constantly hit on by every hot girl in town, and could get laid anywhere anytime by almost any girl.  Suave, charming, sexy... He actually bared a resemblance to the "Marlboro Man" with his chiseled features, dark hair, and heart-stopping blue eyes.

And he wanted me.

Back then, I was much "lighter" and pretty sexy, even though he was obviously way hotter than me. (Seriously, the girls were like "Wtf is he doing with her?")  He and I got along famously personality wise and just being around Charlie was enough to make me smile.

It was actually during my "Waiting til Marriage" virginity phase, so he wasn't with me to get laid... though we spent most nights together. He actually promised me that he'd never try to have sex with me. He was dead serious and kept his word. (He actually said that when I did have sex I would want it all the time.. he wasn't far off.) I felt truly safe with him.

He was a functional alcoholic, though I didn't know it until we'd been together for two months. He'd said something along the lines of being accused of always drinking.

I replied with, "What? I've never seen you drunk."

He replied "Honey, you've never seen me sober"

To be honest, while I knew alcoholism is bad, I didn't care. I loved him, and would have stood by him through anything.

A month or so later he took a job out of state and we broke up. Sadly, one of my best and most healthy relationships ever was with an alcoholic. He always made me feel beautiful and safe and wanted.

While we were together, he gave me one of his jackets. It smelled like him and so I never washed it for years until the smell of him finally left it. I still have it.

I never did understand why Charlie was with me, and if things work out with Mac, I'm fairly sure I'll never understand why he's with me either.

But I suppose I should just chill and let the ride take me.. Wherever it leads.

How Do You Fix Crazy?

Mac and I have been texting. Nothing huge. Nothing in depth. But enough that I am getting to know him better and haven't found his flaw yet. (yes I am currently liking him enough that I am looking for his flaw to save myself from heartbreak, but thats for another post.)

We've also texted long enough that my "Crazy" is coming out.

I do my best not to show it, but when I really start to like a guy, I lose all sense of rational thought.

Dear Men... if I've ever pulled a "OMG she's paranoid and jumping to conclusions" on you.. I'm about two steps from showing up at your door naked begging you to let me be your love slave. (Though that feeling usually lasts until you actually take me up on it.. then for some reason I come to my senses.)

I honestly thought I'd gotten over my marriage and divorce better than I seem to have.

Mentally (and emotionally) I'm in a significantly better place than I think I've ever been in my life, but I'm finding that I still need work.

There's this one huge flaw my ex had that really did a number on me and how I interact with men I want to date. (Men friends never get to experience this, just those I want to date)

My ex was very withholding. I'm not talking just some things... but with pretty much everything. Emotionally. Socially. It didn't matter.  If something was wrong, he'd be silent until I either needled it out of him, or guessed the problem myself.

Communicating with him was a lot of work on my part, and something I'll never ever do again. If talking to you and you sharing with me.. isn't easy and open.. I'm just going to walk. I just don't have the patience in me anymore.

I hadn't really noticed just how profoundly this had affected me until this weekend texting Mac.  There were a few instances where he'd get quiet and not reply. I began to panic and analyze. 

I knew it was crazy, but I couldn't stop my mental programming from going.

Why is he not replying? Did I say something offensive? Am I boring? Is he really just not that interested? Thats it.. he just doesn't like me... or worse.. I'd jump to.. He hates me now probably.

I'd do my best to cover it up or word something in a way that it wasn't screaming "Hi, I'm Maruska and I need a straight jacket."

But he's smart. He caught on.. and even called me on it. He didn't seem too upset by it, and joked around.. but we all know that "insecure crazy girl" is a red light.

Sadly, I see this only being the tip of the iceberg. I can totally see myself devolving into "Where are you now?" texts and other stalker desperation.  Wanting to know where he is all the time, who he's with.. 

Crazy.

I know its crazy. I hear the thoughts go through my head and I know its crazy.  So I try to ignore it.  I remind myself of who Mac is, and that so far things have been easy with him, and I've not completely scared him off yet. 

I'm still dating around, and not taking things too seriously.. but I know crazy when I feel it.

Scared and Crazy.

I think I need a Mac-Timeout. Put my head back on straight.  Sadly.. he's not the only man with the capability right now to push my crazy button, he's just the one with the most immediate promise.

The thing is that I ... well I think I've come to the conclusion that my ability to trust a man in a relationship is broken, and I'm afraid the only way to fix it will be with the patience of a good man.  I'm not entirely sure any good man on the planet is that patient.

So how do I fix it?

Mental Help Please!

I am in many ways screwed. This is how it is often, and why I very much doubt that I'll ever find someone I really like to like me back.

The crux of my problem is a very deep seated issue of trust.. or shall I say distrust.

So when I find myself knee-deep in like with someone all bets are off.. Actually if people wanted to take up bets, it would be a really safe bet that I will in a relatively short time piss said someone off to the point of never speaking to me again.

I realized yesterday that I am at this particular stage of hell with Mr. Christian. To fully grasp why I am at this stage of like with him so quickly requires me to backtrack to my youth.

Since the beginning of time as I've known it, I have always wanted a good Christian husband. I was raised by a very religious family. We went to church every Sunday. We didn't socialize with most other families in town (900 population) but those that went to our small church. As such, church was my social life for the first 5 yrs of my life. School and church became my social life until I left for college, and yes I mean literally (or close enough).

Though I lived in a small town or maybe especially because I lived in a small town, I wasn't allowed to socialize like most kids my age. 90% of my class were products of divorced parents or products of single motherhood. Due to my mother's religious beliefs and possibly concern for my safety, I was not allowed to go anyone's house whose parents or adults in the home were not married. I could visit if their parent was single and not dating, but as soon as they were dating or having "sleepovers" I was no longer allowed. I wasn't allowed to be out past dark until High School, and then I had to be home at 10pm unless I was at a valid school function. I wasn't allowed to hang out downtown at the gas station or ride the streets. In a small town, word nearly always got back to my mother and so it wasn't worth the risk.

I joined nearly every school activity possible and made peace with being an outcast and social misfit. The only place I felt any kind of social comfort was at church once we moved to a larger church in a nearby city where there were several kids my age. The larger church was amazing and lead by a very conservative yet strangely open-minded pastor (maybe open-minded is a bit misleading, he encouraged free thought, biblical education, and discussion rather than people just swallowing absentmindedly whatever he said). He began me on the religious path that I've been on, and sadly has ruined me for any church since, but I'm getting off track.

What I'm trying to get across here is that for the 18 yrs of my life (and longer), church was my social outlet, my safe place, my rock.

It was then I went to college. Up until my college years, my exposure to any kind of Christian man were very few. Most were years older than me and for that reason alone if nothing else, they did not find me suitable. In the large church, there was one man my age and despite any hopes I might have had (he was gorgeous) he never seemed interested. (Due to events after that, I suspect that he may have been gay.)

In college though there were many Christian men, and I was ill prepared for it. Men who would proclaim Christian but wouldn't be. Men who would devote 100's of hours to Christian groups and activities, and yet would do themselves everything they admonished in others. Then there were the real Christian men, and they wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.

The free-thinking pastor had ruined me for them. I was too smart and too biblically educated. I could argue their falsehoods and prove them wrong, for which they found me detestable. Yet, I could not and even now cannot keep silent when I know something is really wrong.

It was this that got me excluded from every Christian venue I've tried. For the first few years of college, I was extremely active in the Christian groups, or so I thought. It wasn't until I was 3 yrs in, that I found out there were bible studies. I had never been invited, and when I found out I tried to join one. I was refused. I tried churches since then, but I never feel comfortable and it doesn't usually take too long before I find something I disagree with that if questioned gets me ostracized.

So my goal of a Christian husband became something of a pipe-dream to me. Because of the way I was treated (over and over again), I slowly began to seek my own religion. Suddenly I woke to most of my friends being agnostics and atheists. To the point where I wondered if anyone really believed in God anymore other than crazies and zealots.

Then there was my ex-husband. When we first started dating, I asked him what religion he was. It really was important to me that he be Christian. He mumbled something about Lutheran being the religion of Norway and that they'd go on Easter and Christmas. He said he was open to attending whatever church I wanted, and learning more about it. From this, I believed him to be at the very least a God-fearing man. I tried to find us a church, but alas it never worked out. It actually wasn't until 3-5 yrs into the marriage that I found out that my husband was actually an atheist. He'd always been an atheist and he'd mislead me. It was monumentally hurtful to me as among other things I loathe lying, but we were married til death do we part. So I tried to move past it, then he left me and we divorced. (One of his best decisions.)

Raised in the breed of Christianity that I was, I gave up on finding a Christian man. I was divorced, and assumed that no Christian man would even think twice about me, let alone my whole free-thinking ways.

Now here is one. He knows I'm divorced. (I believe he is as well.) He's smart, funny, social, and cute. He drinks (I assume in moderation). He believes in pre-marital sex. He doesn't like strip clubs. And he might.. maybe.. like me.

So now that you have an idea of why I'm falling in such deep like with a nearly complete stranger...

The crux of my problem.. When I really like someone like this.. I WILL FUCK IT UP.

Its inevitable. As I tend to guard my heart.

When I start to "love" I don't know any other way than with every part of me. Despite my brain telling me to be cautious, my heart jumps all the way in. Thus I often get hurt and get hurt bad.

So I attempt to guard my heart.

Which results in miscommunications like the following:

"I really love that you're so dedicated to what you believe in" really gets said as "I'm so glad you're not one of those religious freakazoids."

"I'm so glad I met you. I love being around you." really gets said as "Uh yeah, it was fun." or worse "Yeah it was fun though next time give me a heads up so I can put on my comfy shoes"

I turn from flirty and honest into sarcastic and bitchy. I can feel myself doing it already, and I am sooooo trying not to.

I may seriously need some mental help.

Trust Yourself, Woman!

I really should never doubt myself. I don't know why I do. Maybe every once in a while I need that glimmer of hope that I'm wrong.

Sure I'm often wrong about dates, times, places. Who won the Superbowl in 1979? Yep I'm gunna be wrong on that too.

But on reading people and their intentions.. I'm rarely wrong. Sometimes I really wish I was more wrong than I am.

Mr. "I'm really interested in you" SugarDaddy.com has disappeared. No word. No date yesterday like promised. Just PooooooF!

This leaves me very little hope that Mr. Hottub is going to call this week, or that I'll even think about giving him a second chance.

I did meet a wonderful guy this weekend. He's smart, funny, and has a good job. He's a Christian and actually goes to church of his own accord.

Its been a long time since I've met someone like that.

He flirted with me for quite a while, and I think even offered to buy me a drink but I was a little too slow on the uptake. (Sometimes I'm really freaking stupid).

He's out of my league though. He's tall, good looking, kind, and ... well, way above any guy that's even looked twice at me in recent years. So I flirted back as "friendly", not sure what to do.

I also encouraged him to flirt with this Philippine girl, though just for the premise of saving her from this guy who is .. well.. a jerk. The jerk left, but she still hung on Mr. Christian. And he flirted with both of us. At one point he had his arm around me and not around her, but I still wasn't sure if we were friends or more than? or ?

A few of us decided to go to another bar, and some people carpooled. I drove myself since the place was closer to home and I'd just met these guys tonight. He however gave the Philippine girl a ride.

We all joked around at the bar together. Him always sitting between me and the Philippine girl. He seemed to be showing us equal attention. So I really was confused and figured he just wanted friends.

At one point, she offered him her phone so he could put in his details, which he did.

Then as the group was leaving to go home, he turned to me and asked if I wanted to join him (just us) at somewhere else. He apologized and said he needed to drive the Philippine girl to her car, but after that.. Somewhere in my head, the little alarm bells went off that all he wanted was sex.

On this, I'm hoping that I'm wrong.

I gave him my number and my email address, and told him I'd love to hang out again sometime but that I needed to get going home.

I may see him tonight at another group meeting.. maybe. And maybe he'll call. I really do like him, and while I'm hoping.. I don't have a whole lot of hope.