SXSW: Twitter, Dating, & Douches

The remainder of SXSW was relatively uneventful. The dating bloggers and I never met up. That made me sad, and a little angry, but c'est la vie.

I did get to meet the guy who decided not to have me on his dating panel. It was all about using Twitter for dating, and advice and discussion of that.

After two seconds of entering the panel room I understood why I wasn't on it.

1. He's the biggest douchebag.

2. She was one of those tiny digital prima-donnas.

Ok.. so I'm being judgy.

I just got a little miffed when someone asked for advice on what photo to use to help them increase dating interest. The panel let people in the audience answer and give advice.. but the minute I referenced OkCupid's research on the best photos to use in online dating.. I was interrupted.

It did not matter that I was expressing research on what photos people found the most attractive and approachable.. no no.. I mentioned "online dating".  I was summarily told that this was not "Online Dating", and I was so shocked by the rudeness and obvious "WTF crack are you on" situation that I just sat there with my mouth open and silent for a few minutes as they moved on to someone else.

Dear Douchebag,

Twitter is online. You're discussing dating on it. Thus this is online dating.  Sure sure twitter is not solely purposed as an online dating site, but make no mistake, its online dating.

One of the great things though about using Twitter for dating is that you can get a better sense of what that person is like than you would on an online dating site. On Twitter you get to see how they interact with others. Are they universally friendly? Do they play favorites? Are they childish and block people for silly things? Are they only tweeting at midnight, or is it an all day thing (aka are they an addict)?

Twitter can reveal much more about you than most sites.. but if you're using it to date.. you're doing online dating.

So.. please remove that elitist stick from your rectum. 

Thanks,

Maruska

I did try to introduce myself to him after the panel and say hi.. remind him who I was, etc. He would have none of it, and didn't care to even say hi. I was totally ignored. We're "Friends" on Facebook, WTF? I wasn't expecting a hug and kiss and a huge "we need to catch up" party, but for fuck's sake at least acknowledge that I'm a human being.

So I decided to pester him whenever I saw him the rest of the conference. Seriously, if I saw him, I'd make a point to say hello to him all excited as if we knew each other really well and haven't seen each other in ages. After the first 24 hours, I could tell he was just a little freaked out by it (I was seriously making scenes by yelling his name across the crowded hallways, and he was giving me wide berths). Pretty certain he thought I was some kind of stalker with a crush.  MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

So Monday night rolls around and I head to a party with some local friends. I enter and find my friends and right next to them is Mr Douchebag.  So I turn to one of the guys in my group, and I start sounding off about how much that guy is a douchebag and why. (Mr Douchebag is not from Austin. It was a crowded bar, so I figured it was circumstance that he was there not that he was being social with my group)  My friend turns to me, and says:

"Him?"

"Yes.. the douche who just went up the stairs"

"Oh he's a good guy. I used to work with him."

I wanted to crawl in a hole. I went off about this guy to the only person in my entire circle in Austin who possibly could have known this guy. Great!  Turns out they were pretty good pals.

Funny thing though.. after inserting my foot way far into my mouth.. my friend yelled to the douchebag, who had moved across the room, to say something unrelated to him, and the douchebag then saw that I was friends with his friend.

The entire remainder of SXSW, if I saw Douchebag.. it was he who would smile and say hi to me.

F ' ing Prick.

More to Love - BBW Dating

I like to play around online and experiment. And well, since the whole "club dancing" injury, I have a whole lot of time to sit around.

So I joined "More To Love" online dating site.

I kept getting emails from PlentyofFish which has ads on it like nobody's business. And kept seeing advertisements for BBW sites, and Large Women sites..

Before I go much further, let me clarify. I loathe the term BBW. I hate hate hate it. But I figured, I'd give it a trial to see what was out there since some of my heavyset friends have found seemingly good people that actually get turned on by larger women.

It was an experiment to do, and I was bored.

So I signed up, only to find that I cannot message anyone other than a "smile" unless I pay for the site. Yeah, thats not going to happen.

So I let the profile just sit there. It has little on it except my photo, height, body type, education, etc. I didn't even bother to actually write anything.

But I have gotten about 30 "smiles" in two days, which is about twice what I normally get when I first join a site. I assume its because I only have one chin. (I know that was mean, but sometimes I am. You'll have to live with it.)

Well at first anyway.

Then I start clicking the emails to see who has contacted me.

Oh holy cow.. Out of the 20, only two of them would I even think about possibly kissing. The rest were way too old, way too loser (sorry but if your picture makes you look like you should be begging for change on the street, I'ma gunna say no), or way too hoodlum (yes with the lovely txt speak and everything).

It was the Wal-Mart of online dating. (I assume you've all seen "People of Walmart")

I will say one thing though, I will not be quite so superficial in dating after this. I've seen the bottom of the barrel.

Oh, and I'm really going on a diet now. Seriously.

Separated Rant

As someone who is relatively newly divorced, I take issue with complaints about "separated" statuses or divorced statuses. Sure sure there are creeps out there, but most of the truly married dudes aren't going to be using "separated". Instead they're going to be using "single" or "divorced", because it gets more play.

I take issue that people speak for God. And there are lots of stupid legal red tape that has little to do with love, relationships, or anything... as to why people are "separated".

How I was raised, I was completely divorced in the eyes of God the day my husband left me for another woman. His sexual congress with her and telling the world he was with her, and discarding me, more than declared in God's eyes that I was divorced according to the Christianity that I was taught. However, legally I was still married.

So in all aspects of being honest, I placed "separated" on my status until I was legally divorced.

I don't have issue with people that don't want to date "separated" people. Its not usually a good choice for long term love affairs, but not everyone is looking for something long-term anyway.

Telling someone that they cannot date because some paperwork wasn't finished, is infantile. You don't know their situation.

There are people who have been battling to get a divorce for over a year, who in honesty should have a "separated" status. Do you think it fair that they be alone for years and dateless because their ex keeps dragging out the process?

Separated can mean many things, but most of the time it means the paperwork isn't finished for whatever reasons those might be. Rarely if ever does it mean they're working on their marriage.

So maybe instead of auto-piloting into judging, you should ask questions instead. Seeing "separated" in any case shouldn't irritate you or anger you, instead be glad they're being honest and move on.

Communication Frustration

Ok. I tried to keep this guy off of here mostly because he reads this and I didn't want the fallout, but I cannot hold back from comment.

In general, I'm pretty good at sniffing out the "crazy" online. So when my spidey senses start tingling, I often listen. I was trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, but sheesh... honey.. learn how to talk online.

1. It's online. ONLINE. We're not in-person, so you have to relax and give it time to interpret.

2. It's online. ONLINE. So if someone doesn't respond right away, maybe.. just maybe they're doing something important (sleeping, working, bathroom, washing their hair) that takes their time away from answering you. Or maybe they have a life.

3. It's online. ONLINE. So if someone says something slightly offensive, try to give them the benefit of the doubt. or at the very least re-read it.

4. Online or Offline.. being spontaneously defensive over little crap is not NOT NOT attractive.

5. You mentioned you're into "NO DRAMA". This for me is a huge red flag generally meaning that you're all the drama yourself, or that you enable drama. Either way, just being around you is DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. (as if 1-4 weren't enough to prove this to me)

6. Talking to you makes me want to drink.. heavily.

The Conversation:

Mixer: Thanks for following! How are you? [I started following him because I found out he was single.]

Me: doing good.. and yourself? [yeah I'm that eloquent baby]

Mixer: Doing fine, thank you for asking! How was your day?

Me: days been good. actually got some stuff done. Hurray! And yourself?

Mixer: Got some things done! Going to get some other stuff done! Sorry to hear about mr.text! It's what you wrote, his loss [we're talking about Drew here]

Me: thanks. its ok. he was too young for me anyway [too young, too hesitant, too I don't care anymore]

Mixer: Well glad your ok with it! I'm glad we are talking! What do you like to do for fun [this question is a necessary evil, but the way my mind works its impossible to answer. Seriously, I'll either end up giving you a 200 page report or a one word answer "umm"]
Mixer: Well I hope your smiling and your having a fantastic day, hope to chat more [8 minute delay and he's heading out. Ok we'll talk later.]

Me: Fun.. lots of things. Mostly the company thats makes or breaks it. Hope you're having a great day as well [so I try to reply to both txt's at the same time for when he gets back.]

Mixer: I totally agree with you! I'm glad I messaged you, looking forward to getting to know you [Dude.. you're way excited. Besides you already exit strategied, I figured you were leaving.]

Me: Thanks you too [I have no idea what else to say as I'm starting to get my spidey sense tingling that he's desperate.]

(Conversation ends til morning)

Mixer: Good morning! Hope you have a wonderful day!
Mixer: -invite to some cheezy game - [really? wow.. he's really dating stupid]
Mixer: Hope I didn't say anything wrong! Like to chat with you!

(all this was before I'd even gotten to my computer that day. In his defense I got to my computer at 2pm, but sheesh.. come on. we've only had one chat and he's already panicking?)

Me: You worry too much. Relax. Just let things happen if they're going to

Mixer: Ok no problem! Sorry how's your day going?

Me: going good. So how long have you been single?

Mixer: I am glad things are going good, i have been single for awhile. I don't settle for just a good time or someone for the moment. I would like to be with someone who likes me for me not for what i do, as a dj, and i love music. Not into games or drama [wow excellent dodge of the question.]
Mixer: How long have you been single?

Me: about a year. I'm only asking because you seem out of your element. Maybe its just twitter. [online is not everyone's forte]
Me: Well I can honestly say I won't be after you because of what you do. I like good music, but I'm not an addict. [I live in Austin. You are required by law to like music if you live here]

Mixer: An addict! I'm not a club Dj I do weddings and Xmas parties etc! So your gonna judge me just by that [whoa dawgies. wtf?]

Me: Are you joking or you defensive?

Mixer: Ummm neither, just seems like you say your not interested cause of what i do. So isnt that judgemental? i am a great smart sweet kind guy [lets also put passionate, emotionally volatile, and sensitive]

Me: Where did I say I wasn't interested? sheesh dude, chillax. [If I have to tell you to relax more than once in a day about two different things, we've got problems]

Mixer: Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry I mis-read what u wrote! I'm truly sorry and I apologize! I'm chilled sorry [should I repeat chillax to him again?]
Mixer: I'm sorry maybe your getting the wrong impression of me and yes Twitter doesn't help lol I'd like to talk and get to know you

Me: Reading is a big challenge. :P [me being funny while annoyed to all hell]

Mixer: No I know how to read sorry just multi-tasking and I miss read it I apologize

So where do I go from here? Seriously. I do I lie and say its ok.. or be honest and tell him he's too freaking high-strung for me?

I need some xanax.

Online Dating Profile: What Not To Do

Dating Profiles are probably one of the hardest and worst things to write. Partly because its text and personality does not always come across in text like you'd desire, and partly because everything you say can be interpreted a million different ways than how you intended.

For example.. this brilliant witty woman's profile:

My Self-Summary
Me: Silly, introspective, resilient, curious, spunky but not too Mary Tyler Moore-ish. (If you get that reference, you're both a) in my age range and b) a pop culture junkie like me), dedicated to achieving my goals. I'm outspoken when I need to be, but don't have to show up for every fight. I've left behind my ideas about puppy dogs and rainbows and all the ooey gooey things we grow up believing about love and commitment. It's hard and sometimes it's brutal. But I believe it's worth it. I don't seek perfection and hopefully you don't either.

If I didn't know this woman, I would seriously be turning the page after the first sentence. She makes herself sound way too old and out of date. Nobody really wants someone living in the past, and she starts way too early in her profile with what would be considered hobbies (pop-culture) making those hobbies sound like insane obsessions.

Then there's the "dedicated to achieving my goals" part which to most people means a workaholic and if you get in her way you'll get ran over.

The next few sentences squelch any romantic ideas and seem overly cynical. Come on.. who doesn't like puppy dogs now and then? Even if you don't believe that relationships are all roses, most people still have that dream that at least a few of the days of a relationship will have rainbows. Making fun of love doesn't usually get you any.

Her next section however looks great, but most people aren't going to read that far.

What I’m doing with my life
Making the most of it while pursuing a dream. I've worked hard the last few years and am now fortunate to have started a business that supports me while I get to indulge and pursue another dream of writing a book. No, not looking for a sugar daddy or a boy toy. I do just fine, thanks. I can pay my bills and have absolutely no problem treating you to dinner or paying for the tickets. It's not the money spent, but the consideration that counts. Helping me on with my coat is like two front row seats to a Broadway show. Holding a door for me is like an expensive dinner.

This is a healthy happy woman just looking for a good man. Excellent.

The rest of her profile is similarly awesome until you get to the end. She mentions correcting grammar (her own) but still she should leave that out. Nothing critical of self or anyone else should ever be in a profile.


And then lists 4 of her flaws which she calls "Challenges".. (which I'm told are not on her actual profile. PHEW)

1. My age. I don't lie about my age. So, just by being 40, my options are naturally limited. My preferred age range is 38-48. I don't email anyone younger than 42 unless their profile states they already have kids or are a "maybe" on wanting kids.
2. I'm attractive but not objectively so. On a scale of 1-10, I'd say I'm about a 6/6.5. So, while some men might find me attractive, most are holding out for "better."
3. My body. Listen, I look much better than I did two years ago. But I'm still not the "ideal" size or weight.
4. My email replies. To be honest, so many of these guys either say the same exact thing in their profiles or say obscure stuff or nothing at all. I have no idea what to say to most of them that doesn't sound like I;m trying to hard or over-selling myself.


If she feels its a problem to have age restrictions or kids restrictions, she may want to add:

"Please feel free to message me if you're interested. I prefer men within the age range of 38-48. I'm not interested in having kids myself, but do not mind if you have kids of your own."

Just as a disclaimer to help her from getting bogged down with too many useless emails.

Btw if you go to the link backs, and see her photos.. the woman is gorgeous. Seriously girl.. You're awesome. Not only should Men should know that, but you should too. You're smoking, and there is no need to apologize for it. Everyone always has a list of improvements they'd like to make, but trust me.. you're hot.

The New Guy Smell

I am supposed to be working on a new piece that I promised for someone else, but I cannot stop thinking about this guy.

I don't know if its the weather (cold front came in), the timing (getting tired of endlessly crushing on Don), or some hormonal crap going on inside me.. But I think I have a new crush.

I know nothing about him. I've seen an online picture of him.. or at least a picture that I assume is him. I know a little about his job and his hobbies. We've chatted a little.

I didn't meet him through a dating site. I didn't meet him through some online group or whatever. Just a happenstance online encounter.

So I honestly don't even know if he's single. I don't know even know his sign.

But I find myself wanting to Google him, and online stalk him. One of those things where you won't rest until you've uncovered every small bit of everything there is to know about him online.

-sigh-

I'm refraining though.. mostly because I don't know enough about him to do it properly, and I'm pretty sure this is just a passing fancy. I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow and forget all about him.

But for now, the excitement feels good.

Online Intuition: Don't Ignore It

In some ways Online Dating has a leg up on meeting someone organically, and most of that has to do with reading someone's profile and the brief (sometimes not so brief) communication that happens prior to meeting them offline. You get to know their interests, politics, and an idea of the kind of relationship they're wanting. You also get a taste of how they communicate and what verbiage they're prone to using. Do they speak in sports metaphors or continuously quote movies?

Once you've been around online communication long enough though you start to also pick up on other things such as tone, and subtle hints at their true personality. This online intuition should not be ignored, but added into everything else you know about them to make a better educated decision on compatibility (and sometimes safety).

Last week I was messaged by a guy. He seemed nice according to his profile. He was working a not so great job, but he had one and in today's world just having one is a huge thing. He didn't seem afraid of work, and from what I could tell his only downfall was his love of cats (he has one). (My view on cats I'll have to put in a different post, but for now lets leave it at that I'm allergic).

Then I noticed his emails. The first one was mild, but the next couple messages he sent had a massive undertone of anger. None of it aimed at me, but at the city, the country, the world. He was angry with OkStupid, and the dates he'd found through there. He even admitted that he'd had 3 first dates and no second dates. He was uber-honest in his emails and that plus he sounded pleasant on the phone is what made me ignore the intuition.

Our first date went well and I got a small taste of how vast his anger was and its direction as he lectured me about some conspiracy theory he had about politics and banks being in control. He listed instances and facts to back it up, most of which I'd not heard of nor did I care to hear it then. With a few of his views, I'd written him off as not being something long term, but I thought I'd give him a chance at something short-term and fun.

We left the restaurant after going "dutch" on the meal. I figured since I wasn't that into him and he had a shitty job; I might take pity on his budget. And he followed me to a nearby dive bar for a beer and more talk.

It was his saving grace that we didn't talk much at the bar. Instead he complimented by looks, and stared into my eyes. Yes my eyes, not my breasts, not some other chick's chest.. but my eyes.

Next thing I know, I want to kiss him. The bar closes. We go outside and kiss. He kissed like a man in love. It wasn't just passionate 'get-your-clothes-off' kissing, but a seduction rare on first dates. I saw us lasting years, having kids, picket fences, kids, and sitting around in our old age. I scolded myself for such thoughts remembering well the anger speech from earlier, but I couldn't help thinking them when he kissed me.

Nearly 3 hours later we go home. It was a fantastic make out session that I've not had since.. well probably my early college years. We were making quite the scene in the parking lot. I assured him that we weren't having sex, so once our lips got too chapped to continue we went home to our own beds with the promise of seeing each other the next night.

I was somewhat excited to see him again. I debated in my head the whole chemistry vs angry man thing. It's hard to find good mutual chemistry, but I really cannot be around that much negativity either. So I decided that when we met again we'd talk more.

I should have just not talked to him. I would barely get two words in before he'd interrupt me. (I'm told by my east coast friend that does it too that its an east coast thing) So I just listened to him with little commentary. He went on and on for an hour complaining about everything. People mostly. Lack on intelligence. How he's open-minded and no one else is. He talked about abortion and how you should be able to get one at any grocery store, quick in and out. He then talked about me.

He asked about my timeline and how long I'd been married and when it'd ended. Then went on to say that I was still on the rebound (to which my head said: Maybe I am if I'm still sitting here with you). His 2 yr relationship just ended 7 months ago, but he's obviously over that despite his mentioning her and what she did to him 3 times within 24 hours. He then said he was afraid that I was like her. She'd been raped and still had issues with it. He was actually upset with her for not getting over it.

So I interrupted him and told him that .. well yeah.. I had some sexual issues. I was orally raped when I was 18 or was it 19? No matter.. and that I had issues with giving a blow job. He looked at me like "how could you not have gotten over that?" and said "Well I'm sorry that happened to you, but thats going to be a big problem" then continued on about how much he loves them and how its all just part of foreplay. Then he saw my face "That you don't even think its a big part just shows me that this is going to be a problem."

I shut down after that. It was all I could do not to cry. He didn't ask or even want to know how much I'd healed or why I hadn't. Took me several years to be alone with a guy with our clothes off. For many years it just never came up or if it did I'd say I didn't want to and the guy would just go with it. It wasn't really until I was 26 and met a guy that I really wanted to marry that I trusted a guy enough to try. He knew about my past and I cautioned him against touching me while I did it. He forgot and touched my head caressing my hair. Next thing I knew I was crying and curled up in a ball. I couldn't stop even though I saw on my boyfriend's face just how much my reaction was hurting him and how sorry he was. It was a long distance relationship so I never got to try again with him as things ended for other reasons.

After him, the guys I dated could have cared less about a blow job. Sure if I'd have wanted to, they might have let me, but if they didn't care and preferred actual sex who was I to complain? I'd rather just have sex anyway. My ex-husband actually hated blow jobs. He'd had some traumatic thing happen with a blow job once. I think teeth was the issue. But he'd never wanted me to do it, and the one time I suggested trying he actually shriveled up and said no.

Since then I've not been with anyone I trusted enough to try, and I really don't see Mr. Negative as earning my trust any day soon. He's already set it out as something I'll have to do to keep him. I really don't need that pressure, thanks.

We parted about an hour after this incident. I have no idea what was said. We hugged goodbye, and he held on for a long time. I don't know why. Maybe he knew he'd hurt me and was trying to apologize?

The funny part looking back. He's a huge proponent of abortion (says its saved him from child support and rug rats), despite the fact that he was a baby adoption. Is he subconsciously trying to commit suicide?

He still emails me. Asking how I am and telling me about his day. I reply courteously but without encouragement. I'll be screening my dates much better from now on.

Date or Sex Buddy Audition?

Ok.. I knew there was something I was forgetting yesterday when I was posting updates..

Do you remember Mr One-Arm Hug date that I went on last week? The one I was waiting on an email and was certain it was pretty much a failure?

He emailed me on Friday. He stated that he had a good time and

"Maybe we could get together again sometime."

Which I took as, the equivalent of letting me down easy. And being in a bitchy mood about his two-day wait to email me, I decided to wait to email him back. I finally emailed him last night (nearly a 3-day wait).

He happened to be online when I emailed him, and he emailed me back straight away asking if I had a hot tub at my place, and that he'd really like to get together again, grab a drink and soak with me.

Alarm bells are going off in my head. Am I just a pessimist? Maybe I am, but I'm getting the impression that he just wants sex. Maybe I'm wrong. I suppose I should take it as a good sign that he at least wants to see me in less clothes and a more intimate setting.

I'm heading to California to visit some friends for a week, so I wrote him back saying that no I don't have a hot tub and that I'm going to be out of town for a while and maybe we can get together once I get back.

He switched to IM. He really wants to get together soon, and asked the date of my return. Once I told him, he wanted to get together as soon as I got back. Which I'd take as a very damn good sign, if I could get the thoughts of "all he wants is sex" out of my head.

He was very excited about the possibility of a hot tub, and said, "If I find a hot tub, will you soak with me?"

I thought about it. Thought some more. Then figured.. oh what the hell.. if all he wants is sex its better to find it out now. So I agreed.

He's currently on a mission to find one. (I'm seriously hoping that he fails. Anyone else think that he just wants sex?).

-- On a separate note, my workaholic sex-buddy contacted me and wants to get together. We may or may not get together tonight (depends on his work). Some days I really love being single.

Honesty And There's Honesty

I have to thank "True Heart in Jersey" for today's post. While not directly her fault, she did recommend the site on which I found this lovely profile. She'd claimed that the men on these sites in her area were undesirable, but I think this one might take the cake.

I was searching through one of her posted pet sites and saw a profile of a decent looking male advertising that he liked BBWs. My curiosity got the better of me and so I checked out his profile.

First he admits that he just got out of a bad relationship with a BBW and is now looking for a different partner.

Woo Hooo... Damaged and honest about it.. sign me up!

Now I do have to give him some credit for staying with this person for 3 yrs despite no sexual contact for 1.5 yrs right? Yes? No? (Are you scared yet?)

He just moved here and is staying with family where he feels "safe" (seriously a direct quote).

What the hell did she do to him? Just how damaged is he if he had to move in with family to feel safe?

He continues that he's looking for a woman who wants a partner that isn't afraid of work. (Come on.. what woman doesn't love a working man? Or is he wanting a woman that isn't afraid of work?)... and that she would like for him to move in with her to get to know each other on a first hand basis.

WOOOOOOOAH DAWGIES... Big Red Flashing Warning Signs.

But sadly... I'm not done.. nor is he..

He continues to state that he wants to get away from his family (wait, I thought he was safe there?) and out on his own, but there are no jobs in his area.

He ends with "Interested? My tongue is pierced and I love to give oral as well as receive."

Wow.. There is some honesty. Gotta give him some points for that. He also gets extra bonus points for the flashing neon red warning signs.

If only ruling out unsuitables was always this painlessly easy. Sheesh.

Yes, I Am A Masochist

Damn it, I'm still a girl.

I have no idea why, but this guy is kryptonite to the walls around my heart.

Originally I saw him on Twitter. Something about his picture, his aloof tweets.. just snagged me and I had to meet him. I twitter-stalked him. I watched his tweets, watched for his likes, his dislikes.. I wanted to know more. I then began replying to his tweets, at first coyly, then semi-provacatively.

We began to chat. He'd give me crap about things I was doing, places I'd go, or laugh at my silly twitter jokes. I'd tease him with places I'd go, invite him last minute when he had other plans, and otherwise annoy him.

We played cat and mouse for about a month on Twitter before we finally met for a date. He is 13 yrs younger than me, and in many ways not a viable candidate for a long term relationship. At the time, I had just gotten separated and while I wanted something stable, I was trying to keep my mind open.

We went to a local restaurant at which he barely looked at me. He played with his iPhone constantly. SMSing his roommate. I persuaded him to show me the txts, and saw...

"So how's your date, is she hot?"

To which I stole his phone and replied, "Oh hell no, she was a dog, so I ditched her and am macking on some hot chicks I met at the bar."

He voted me "Awesome Sense of Humor" and the three of us had a good laugh. After that, he was on his phone much less.

We have little in common otherwise. He likes horror movies, and action flicks.. I like brainy movies, and chick flicks. He's just barely out of the beer-bong parties, and I'm into wine and cheese.

But when I'm around him, all I want to do is be around him... naked. (sigh)

We went out (I use this term loosely as we mostly just stayed in and watched movies and had sex.) for almost 2 weeks, then he flipped a switch and started being a total asshole. We broke up "officially" on my birthday. (Yeah I know, happy birthday Maruska!)

That should have cured me of him, but it didn't. I missed him, but I let it go.

A couple months later, after he heard my divorce was final, he began messaging me again. Stressing how much he wanted to get back together and how he regretted letting me go. I let him sweat for a week or so, before I finally agreed to meet him for lunch. We had a good lunch. He walked me to my car, and hugged me.

I was a goner again. The hug was all it took. Something about being in his arms, the smell if his neck, the way he looks at me with his eyes.. SHIT.

I messaged him that I had a good time, he replied that I looked good and it was great seeing me.

Weeks pass and I don't hear anything from him.

Then he messages me that he has a bunch of free time coming up and he wants to spend it with me, but when the time comes up I hear nothing more.

So a couple weeks pass, and I bitchily message him. "So what happened to your wanting to get together?"

He replies that he's been busy. Then messages again that he's lying, he's had loads of free time, but has been out of sorts describing a kind of depression to which I can relate.

A few days later, he messages me. He has a free afternoon and wants to spend it with me. I of course am non-commital and slightly uncooperative. These months of being apart, and the crap he put me through, had nearly drowned out the pleasant memories. It wasn't until we were actually supposed to meet that I decided to go.

I suppose if I'm really honest with myself, I decided to go the minute he messaged me, but I pretended to argue with myself and talk myself into it for the next 48 hours. I wanted to see him again. Mostly because I wanted to torture him. I wanted him to see what he'd been missing and could have had all these months. I wanted him to suffer.

So the day of our meeting, I procrastinated getting ready. I procrastinated messaging him back. I did courteously message him to tell him I was going to be late 1:53 p.m. (I was supposed to arrive 1:30-2 p.m.). Then took my time responding to his "When do you think you'll get here?", but replied with an accurate time frame.

We were just going to hang out and watch a movie. He makes little to no money, and has a touch of pride where I'm not "allowed" to pay more than half, and a sneaking suspicion that I'm not really allowed to pay for that. So we were to meet at his place, which in all our time together I was never allowed to see. I was excited to see his lair, and excited at the thought that for once he'd have to clean his place.

So I dressed accordingly in shorts and a t-shirt. However, since I wanted him to suffer, the shorts were short and tight, and the t-shirt was so low cut that it barely covered my bra. I had on my good cleavage bra as well which pushed them up to the point of saying "Yes, I do have very large tits." and "You wanna come play with me?" I might have been technically dressed for a casual afternoon, but my outfit said "You know you want me", and I liked it.

I promised myself that I was not going to sleep with him, no matter what happened. Yet, I showered and shaved. When dressing, I made sure to put on my sexy underwear. (I seriously have a mental condition when it comes to this guy.)

I arrived at 2:20 p.m. and I walked in as if I wasn't late and didn't apologize for it. He welcomed me in, and showed me around. It was a decent apartment for a bachelor pad, and actually cleaner than my apt right now.

He however took the remote for the tv, and got me back by flipping through the channels for a few minutes, watching hockey for a few minutes, and otherwise being as annoying with the remote as possible before he started the movie. He didn't ask my input or opinion on what to watch, though I'd have spoken up if it was something too horrid. I hadn't seen the movie he picked out, and it wasn't on my "Hell will freeze over before I'll watch it" list, so I sat and tried to enjoy it.

Watching Eagle Eye together for the first time, really is a bonding experience. We were both shouting at the tv "WTF" several times throughout the film.

When the film was over, we had a few awkward moments of "What to do now?" He showed me his room. It was much cleaner than he'd ever described it, and when I commented on it, he said he'd cleaned and shoved it all in his closet. It was so "little boy" that it was cute. The room was small as we saw its entirety from standing in the hall way and peered in. A small desk, a lamp, and a twin sized bed.

He was self-conscious about that bed. It was small and not good for entertaining women, but from the size of the room, he couldn't fit anything bigger. He was nervous about my reaction to seeing his room, and it was endearing. He was being open and letting me see a part of him, a part that he was scared would run me off.

He never made a move to touch me the entire time I was there. Over the last few months, I'd convinced myself that he was only out for some casual sex relationship. While his behavior didn't totally negate that, it did leave me confused and a touch hopeful that he wanted something a little more than that.

As I left, I watched to see if he would want to touch me, or if he was signaling that he wanted a kiss. There was nothing. I was on the other side of the door, and could have fled down the stairs uninhibited, when I stopped and motioned that I wanted to hug goodbye.

I could have. I should have walked away. I should have gone down the steps untouched. Up until this point, he was just a guy. Some friend. Who cares.

We hugged. As his arms went around me and held me tight, there was no place on earth I would have rather been. It was like coming home. It was like being wrapped in a large comforter on a cold night. The scent of him was clean and fresh and delectable. I wanted to kiss his neck. I never wanted him to let go. This wasn't some animalistic "I must have you" lust, but something more along the lines of 'instant love'. I would have had sex with him, but all I really wanted him to do was to hold me.. Forever.

The hug ended sooner than I wanted, and I felt a bit of my heart tear as we parted. By the time I got to my car, I was officially sad. Tears would have come at any time if I'd have let them. My brain was spinning a broken record of "WTF".

I pulled myself together, and went to run some errands. About 10 minutes later, he txt'd me.

"It was good seeing you. You smelled great and looked good. Wish we could have spent more time together."

I replied that it was good to see him as well, and see his place.

"Maybe next time, you can stay later. Spend the night in my small bed."

This last text followed by several more joking about the size of his bed (maybe it'd be better to spend the night on my bed), and how much he wants to see me again.

So I'm half-convinced all he wants is sex, in which I'll get my heart torn to shreds. But he also likes me enough that he wants to "spend the night".

I should run like the wind. But I know I won't. I really am a masochist.

Communication: An Essential for Online Dating

On Friday night, about 3 am, I received a message on Facebook from a man not of my acquaintance, which in itself is not completely unusual. I am rather attractive, and I have a quite common "look" that I'm often mistaken for someone else, but thats another story for another time. I also, a long long time ago, joined an application on Facebook (FB) for dating called "Are You Interested?" and have occasionally received friend requests or messages from men finding me through that application. So the mere contact of a strange man was not foreign to me.

What was strange to me was his method of approach. He merely said in his FB email..

"are you there?"

Rather ominous from a strange man. I clicked his profile, and found nothing of any interest except that his network was Ontario, Canada which I live no where near. I jogged my brain to figure out who this was. Surely with such a brief question, I must know him from somewhere, so I replied.

"maybe? who are you?"

He then replied with a much larger email.

"Hi Beautiful,

Let me start with I'm so happy and glad to hear back from you, and I should also thank you for taking your convenience time to write me, it's really a pleasure for that.

I am Divorced and a father of 1 boy he is 14years old. Her mum died when she was 3yrs old. I Have been dealing with the loneliness while taking good care of my son all together, though it has not been easy for me to take 3 scheduled steps at a time, but I really have to. it's my own duty, and I should also count my son as my #1 priority in life. I hope you know what kids means to parents.can we chat on yahoo messenger id?(his yahoo id),i will be waiting for reply."

Whoa dawgies. Ok, let me read this again. Sentence 1, he has a boy. Sentence 2, her mum? Wtf? What 3 steps? What in the hell is he talking about?

In an attempt to clarify, I wrote back.

"ok.. umm.. you didn't really say who you were. Or maybe I should ask, why you're msging me? or how you found me?

You also seem a little confused on the sex of your own child."

He replied,

"I was looking for a woman to spend the rest of my life with,and when i saw you i decided to mail you and the sex of my child is boy.."

Well why in the hell didn't you just say so in the first place!! Sheesh. Still no clarification of how he found me, but I decided to let it go.

"ah.. ok.. I assume then you found me though "Are you interested?"

So you're divorced? How long divorced? And what did you mean by 3 scheduled steps?"

I wanted to see just how fresh his divorce was, and hoping that I could get some relatively straight answers from him.

He replied, "i lost my wife 10yrs ago and i need some else now because of my boy,i will appreciate if we can work thing out."

Boggle. Either the man has horrid luck by getting a divorce from his wife and the mother of his child dying at the same time.. or its one person and he got a divorce and then she died.. or she died, and he recently got a divorce from someone else which he's not mentioning. Or maybe in Whackoville, Ontario, Canada, widower and divorcee are the same thing?

He still hadn't answered what in the hell the 3 steps were, but it didn't really matter. "i need someone now because of my boy" was entirely enough to stop all contact. I'm not sure what his boy has to do with him needing to find a wife now, and I'm not sure I want to know. I assume he wanted a "mother" for his child, or a live-in nanny he could screw.

I want a man who wants me for me, for him.

Adventures in Online Dating

__

(20 yr old): I wanna please u in ways u cant imagine.

(ME): So you think I'm unimaginative?

__

(creepy 66 yr old guy): Is that for breakfast lunch or dinner

This site will not let me wink at you ...so when are you most delicious

Oh well I thought you would be fun...but there you have it folks....

(ME): *shiver* *delete*

(My mailbox also contained 10+ "winks" from this 66 yr old - Ewww)

___

From a friend in response to the above: "oh my god what do you have on your profile that says "i wanna be banged so every pervert within 80 miles needs to send me a creepy message""

Sadly there is nothing strange or unusual in my profile, its just an every day part of being an attractive female on an online dating site. Somedays are more creepy and humorous than others, but its not abnormal.

So guys when you message us something humorously dick-headed, and we don't respond with a laugh... this is probably why.

What I Look For In A Man?

I had a bad date. It wasn't horrendous. I wasn't tortured or afraid for my life. He just was not my type.

On my way home, I called a few friends to vent and tell them all about it. This spurred a conversation about what I do find attractive. What I discovered is that truly defining what it is I like is nearly impossible without describing its contrast.

In many ways, I'm just your average girl wanting the Marlboro man. Sure I like a nice looking rugged man, but I also like the smart professors. I like my men manly. I like deeper voices, chest hair (not carpet, but hair), 5 o'clock shadows, some muscle (can be fat or thin, not morbidly obese though). I prefer dark hair and blue eyes, but its not a big deal. I like them to have decent hygiene and decent/average to above average fashion sense (if he thinks wearing sweat pants on a date is ok, he's out). Actually the fashion sense may be negotiable if they'd allow me to pick out their clothes and dress them.

I like intelligence most of all. Geeky is an aphrodisiac (nerdy and dorky is not). I'm a little bit of a foodie, and care about what goes into my body. He must accept this, and either embrace it himself, or be able to celebrate our differences.

My date was very little of these things.

On first walking into the restaurant, I see a man wearing a blue shirt (what he said he'd be wearing) standing near the entrance among a crowd and I pray to God that he's not my date. I could tell he attempted to look nice, clean dress shirt and slacks, but the man oozed dorky. He moved his head as someone who'd just had a cranium transplant and was just starting to get the hang of it. He saw me, smiled, and walked over. Oh God this is my date.

He introduced himself, and my eyes went to his teeth which were horridly stained dirty. I didn't look long enough to tell for sure if it was a permanent stain or just food left over from lunch. My stomach recoiled in disgust, and I had to advert my eyes. It was then that I noticed the lisp. He had a lisp coupled with a higher octave voice that can only be accurately described as "Flaming".

I tried to remind myself to keep and open mind, and maybe he'd make a good friend. "Stop being so judgmental" I reminded myself.

So we started chatting, or I should say, he started chatting. I tried to listen to his mundane and inane stories about how his friend was moving again after only living somewhere for 3 months and how he had to help him move, but I kept spacing out. After that story was finished, we discussed the menu.

We were at an Italian place in Austin, TX. Since I spent a lot of time in Chicago, where Italian, or at least American Italian is done well, I had yet to find a decent Italian restaurant in Austin. Most Italian restaurants in Austin are "Texified" meaning that they add Tex-Mex spices to the items to adjust for the local palate. I'm more of a purist, and the closest that Italian should come to Tex-Mex is a hot arrabiata sauce. On the phone in previous conversations, he'd agreed on the difficulty but swore that this place was phenomenal. So as we were discussing the menu, he would point out dishes that he'd had that were great.

As he was pointing on the menu, I noticed his hands. They were fine boned, long, with longer nails than mine. He really could do some damage with those, and I had already decided his mouth was not coming anywhere near mine, and now decided that his hands were never coming anywhere near my privates. With this, I officially closed the book on any kind of sexual thing between us... closed, locked, padlocked.

He then asked about my job. On the site where we'd met, I clearly listed that I was unemployed. So then he asked about my job search. I told him the truth that I only half-assed am looking for work at this time. I really don't want a job, and since I can currently afford not to work, I'd rather focus on finding a job that I really want to do and not just apply for whatever comes up.

In return, I asked about his job search as he'd told me the previous evening that he'd been laid off. Layoffs had come around Austin, so holding that against him seemed overly critical. He told me flat out that he hadn't been looking at all. He was just taking some time off, and enjoying his severance package. Normally I could totally understand this, but he'd been laid off for 5 months with a 6 month severance and still wasn't looking at all?

It was then the word "Loser" came to my mind. I really should have set up a "safe call" to get me out of this.

This last bit was immediately before we ordered/paid for the food. He was quick to pull out payment, where I normally would have offered to split the bill (to be nice) I did not, and just let him pay without a word.

Our food arrived, and he talked even more. He started to tell me about how his queso recipe was far superior to anything in a restaurant. We'd had several conversations previously that he was very picky about food, and almost considered himself a foodie. So I was curious about this queso. I wondered what cheeses he must use, or did he cut up his own fresh tomatoes and chillies?

So I asked him to tell me what was in it. He replied with a lispy high pitched and drawn out, "Weeeelll" as he raised his hand, flicked his wrist, and touched his finger tips to my arm. (The combination of these mannerisms was so gay-tipical, that if he wasn't confused about his orientation, I sure as hell was.) I listened anyway, trying to block out picturing him in drag and trying not to wonder how convincing of a woman he might be.

Since I rarely use a recipe, if he vaguely told me what was in it, I could probably do a decent duplication at home myself. He started in on preparing the meat, some kind of ground meat. Ok, that might be ok, I'm more of a vegetarian queso fan, but meat in it might be ok. Next he mentioned using a can of cream of mushroom soup, a can of Rotel... I had to stop him there.

"Wait, cream of mushroom soup?"

"Yeah, like the condensed one from Campbell's"

"Eww. Ok, what kind of cheese do you use?"

"Oh, velveeta of course."

"Yum, sludge." I said jokingly serious.

At this point, I was extremely disgusted, and really did not care if I offended him. He was NOT a foodie, and to anyone who is a foodie, what he just described was chemical sludge with a bit of meat in it. Its ok to not be a foodie, but its not ok to lie.

He laughed at my comment, and continued to say how wonderful it was, and went so far as to say it was better than real queso (melted mexican cheeses with fresh diced chilies). I was done.

We decided to call it a night.

To give him his due, he was gentlemanly and kind to me. Even refilled my drink for me, and was courteous the entire evening. So much annoyingly so, that he insisted on walking me back to my car. He also insisted on a hug, which I tried to do one armed, but he insisted on two armed full body contact. I'd tried all night with conversation to make myself as unattractive as possible, and I could very well see that none of it had worked as effectively as I hoped.

He wanted to get together this weekend, and said, "Call me"

I hope he doesn't hold his breath.