My Meeting With The Playas

The other night I went out with Evie and a friend of hers. In all honesty, I went for the possibility of meeting someone, yet with the full expectation of being completely bored out of my mind. A group of 3 girls almost always leaves one as the third wheel, and since Evie's friend and her were childhood friends, I fully expected to be the third wheel.




But I needed to go out, and nothing else that night sounded even remotely entertaining.



We went to a play and then the after-party. It was a small production with a small audience. It was ok. Some of the actors, you could tell were naturally talented and the rest were really trying to be. It was at least entertaining.



Then about 20 minutes from the end, I see Evie's ex? I guess thats who he is. I can't remember if they'd had sex or exactly what... But I do know that she's at least seen his penis, and helped him get off. They're "friends" now, but with Evie that could be FwB or just platonic friends. Its really hard to say.



Evie can't go a night without a guy. During the show, she'd texted him to meet her there. So when I saw him come in.. I knew what had happened and I rolled my eyes.



It doesn't help that I just cannot stand the guy. I avoid him like he's got cooties. He comes off as needy and desperate. And I've got the feeling that any woman will do for him as long as she's mildly attractive (not hideous), and not illegal. (I guess I should be thankful he has some standards huh?)



Plus.. from Evie, I know WAY more that I ever wanted to about his sexual interests and erm.. proclivities. If I wasn't interested by the fact that he looks like a doofus, or by the fact that he acts like he's only out for getting laid and desperately at that, then his sexual preferences alone would have sealed the deal for me that I wasn't going to touch him with a 10 foot pole.



After the show was over, and while we waited for the after-party to start, I found out that Trey had brought two friends with him.



Techincally he brought one friend, who brought his friend.. but thats just me nitpicking.



So we're standing around, and these two guys join our group. I of course wonder who they are, and Evie introduces them.



I honestly don't remember their names. So I'm gunna make up some names.



The first one was chatty, but from the moment he opened his mouth, my lady parts shuddered and recoiled. Jessie's voice was a little .. umm.. too high and he talked with just a slight lisp. Had he not talked about screwing women, I would have sworn he was gay. He was around my height, but with delicate bone structure. His wrists were even dainty. The thought of him having sex with a woman quite frankly made me giggle... a lot.



He talked as if he was Mr. MacDaddy which wasn't helping the situation any. Maybe he does get all the girls. Who knows.. I just find it immensely unbelievable. To be honest, I found the idea of him and Trey being secret lovers much much more believable.



The third guy, Bill, was shy and completely did not fit with the other two. He was new to town, so I excused his judgement in friends. He had long hair and was Native American. He actually was kind of sweet, but way too young. That didn't keep him from attempting to hit on me though. So cute, in an adorable little boy way (I know.. just the way guys hope to be seen right?), but about an hour or so later he admitted his age and he was barely legal. WAY too young for me, and thus I was right in thinking of him as a little boy.



So none of them were at all.. in any way.. potential interests of mine. This actually made the night more fun, because they ALL thought that I'd be happy to have them.



Dear Men... I am not that desperate.. and will never be that desperate.. Sorry.



So the party got started, and people started going back inside. It was hot inside. Like sauna hot. I went in to be social for a bit, but found my way outside rather quickly. The last thing I needed was to be miserable on top of this potential boredom.



A few minutes later, one guy after the other came outside as well. Soon it was myself and the three guys.



We began to talk. Jessie kept giving the youngin' Bill some MacDaddy advice, which I would then critique and tell him how to do it better. Then Jessie saw that as a sign to out do himself. It became this challenge to show me how much of a MacDaddy he was. I couldn't have secretly laughed at him more. At one point he said:



"I shouldn't tell you because you'll hate me."



To which I replied, "If I don't hate you by now, I'm pretty sure there's nothing you can come up with."



He stammered and still pretended to be all gentlemanly in refusing to divulge his scoundrel secrets in my presence.



"Ok.. by hate you.. what did you mean by that?"



Jessie turned red, and so I continued...



"If you mean by hate you, that I would no longer want to have sex with you.. let me put your mind at ease.. that ship sailed within the first minutes of meeting you. So just say what you were going to say."



He looked at me agast, and then did his best to recover. He tried to ask what it was that turned me off, but I simply brushed him off with a "Eh, you're not my type." (Rather than telling him that he reminded me of some gay friends from college.) He retorted with a "Oh well at least we're on the same page." which made me laugh.

Yes yes... I can be a bitch, but I honestly cared not at all what this guy or his friends thought of me.

So he continues about his rules for "dating" which were quite frankly steps to have a one night stand. He did pretty much every cliche' without actually mentioning roofies, though he did mention that getting a girl completely plowed so she'd not remember how to get back to his place later. I know.. a charmer. I of course added rules for him, and instead told him that he should just go to her place. No one can say I'm not helpful. :)



If I'm not interested in dating you, and I'm pretty sure you're harmless (or at least that even the smallest woman could kick your ass), I'm more than willing to share my knowledge to help you get laid.. by someone else. :) Its just how I roll.

Bill however was really enjoying the conversation and cursing that he had no way to take notes. The poor guy. In reality all Bill would have to do to get laid is to hang out with these two morons he was with, then go appologize to the girls later and state that he was new to town. He was sweet, honest, and not bad looking.. and following the wake of the other two guys, he'd look like the catch of the day.
Trey however was not liking the conversation. He instead was trying desperately to convince me that his playboy past was over (like I really believed he had a playboy past), and he was now looking for a real relationship. He was not grasping the idea that I could have cared less about what he was looking for.. I was not interested.. yet he continually tried to impress me with his "seeking a relationship" self.



When we began to discuss ages.. Trey started it by saying he was 40 (he looks maybe 34) and how 30 was the new 20 for him. The others also stated their ages, and then came my turn, which I declined. They were 19, 31, and 40.. and I just let them believe whatever age they thought I was. Generally I'm assumed to be in my late 20's or early 30's, so I figure they thought I was.



Then Trey began commenting on the music that was wafting outside from the party.



"I used to skate to this back in '78"



Which we all would tease him about making himself sound ancient. Heck I'm not much younger than him, and even I thought he sounded old the things he was saying.



It was one "I'm old" statement after anouther which kept me entertained by teasing him about how old he was making himself sound and "Thats the way to win the Ladies, man." sarcasm. I honestly don't think he understood just exactly how off-putting his "remember when" was, or would be to younger women.. when their parents would be the ones saying those "remember whens".



We were outside talking for a couple hours before the other two girls came out, and we all parted ways.



All in all it was a good night.. Lots of fun (for me anyway.)

I Am Not PC, I Like Mac

Yesterday, I woke up in a relatively good mood. Motivated. I even applied for a job, which of course was more annoying than the job itself.

**rant** Why in the hell does every damn employer have their own website "quiz" you have to answer to apply? Why even have a resume? You end up having to type in every freaking thang from your resume into that quiz anyway. Including supervisors names and numbers.. Which I honestly couldn't tell you for most of my past jobs because the companies have either gone under or the damn supervisor got laid off too. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get hired by filling out "Random Idiot" as my supervisors name. **/rant**

After taking a nearly an hour to apply for this job, I felt like I'd climbed a mountain.

I rewarded myself by making myself a great lunch and watching some TV.. which turned out to be "Grumpy Old Men".

Love that movie.

By the time the movie was over, I was super chipper and starting to feel like my old self again.  I got ready to run a few errands that I'd been putting off the last couple days, and as I was getting dressed I wondered what was going on that night.

I checked my calendar and sure enough my favorite group (Beer Enthusiasts) had a meeting that night.

Saturday night at my friend's birthday party, I ran into a couple people from my social circles here in Austin. They both scolded me for not being more social, and asked where in the world I've been hiding.  Neither of these two are people I ran into often, but more like people that I saw maybe once every 2 months, so for them to notice I'm missing is a pretty big deal. I hadn't realized just how anti-social I'd gotten.

So when I saw that I could make the Beer meeting, I jumped at it. I figured it was probably time to come out of hiding, and since I was in a decent mood.. all the more reason.

I arrive. I run into Evie and her man outside smoking. I say Hi then run inside to see who all else is in attendance. I see a bunch of people I don't know, and a few that I do.

Then suddenly from across the group seated at the table furthest from where I was, I see a good-looking man exclaim "Hi".  I waved "Hello" back since there weren't any seats near him, and started for the nearest available seat, when I noticed next to him was Getty who then shouted and waved.

Rather than shout over everyone, (and because the guy was hot) I made my way over to that side of the table to say hello and catch up.

I knew that I'd seen the good-looking man before, but couldn't place him right away. Once I got closer though I realized that it was Mac (previously mentioned in "Just Some Time For Fun" and "Where Does The Time Go?"). It really had been a long time no see.

So when I got over to them, I positioned myself between the two of them and asked Getty how she'd been. I was dying to talk to Mac, but I knew I had to put in some time with Getty. Getty was on a non-stop roll of chatter, and kept trying to get me to pull up a chair to sit between them.

I really did not want to spend the entire night stuck next to Getty. She likes to monopolize conversation. I'd never get to chat with anyone else if I stayed here. At one point though, she said she was insisting I sit there because Mac was hot and she wanted to give me a better chance at him.  So why did she monopolize my conversation for the first 30 minutes? Dunno.

Mac however heard us talking about chairs and that I was going to go sit across the way where there were available chairs. I was arguing with Getty saying that I could just go sit over there. No biggie. Getty however kept asking everyone around if we could snag their chairs, to which they said no. Getty would not let it go.

So Mac got up, walked across the room, picked up one of the free chairs from the other side of the way, and carried it back over for me to sit on.  I of course told him it was completely unnecessary, but thanked him profusely for doing it. (It was totally sweet and hot.)

I'm not entirely sure he did it for me to sit next to him, as much as he may have done it so that I'd be a buffer between him and Getty. Either way, I got to sit next to him.

Luckily for me, there was a girl on the other side of Getty for her to talk to.. which gave me a second of break from Getty.. allowing me to turn away from her and talk to Mac.

Mac and I talked most of the night. Catching up on what we'd been doing since we'd last met. Bitching about the bowling group that we'd met at, and anything else that came across our minds.

I'd actually forgotten how easy it was to be around him. The time passed easily with very few lulls, and relaxed. Conversation just flowed, and we laughed and talked like we'd been friends for quite a while. I was so relaxed that I just let honesty flow from my mouth not caring about his view, and he seemed the same with me.

At one point, Getty caught both of our attention by saying that she'd heard a very cute joke that day.. she insisted that we'd love it.  So she started this joke about a dwarf which was off-color and inappropriate. Neither Mac nor I laughed.

I simply told Getty when she was asking, "Do you get it?" type looks and questions..

"It was pretty offensive. Sorry." (Marc nodded his agreement out of site of Getty)

Getty tried to explain why she thought it was funny and how she'd not picked up on its offensiveness, though she supposed it would be offensive to actual people of dwarfism. I'm not sure exactly how the conversation went, but somehow this comment from me made sense..

"I don't really know any real life dwarves. W's the closest I've ever met, but I still found it offensive."  (W is not a dwarf, she's just freaking short. like 4'10? she might even be shorter than that.)

Getty gasped and said I was insulting W.

"I'm not insulting her. She's the shortest person I know. She's fully aware that she's short. Its not news." (The girl is the shortest person in our circle. Obviously shortest.)

Mac then pointed out a rather attractive blonde girl about 5 ft away at the end of the table.

"Doesn't she look like Katherine Heigel?"

"Umm sure, maybe if you add 50 lbs to Katherine Heigel."  Like I said I was relaxed around him. As the words came out of my mouth, I realized how catty it sounded. But there was no taking them back. I didn't really mean them catty, but honestly this girl looked exactly like Katherine Heigel after eating an entire Thanksgiving dinner by herself.

A few minutes later after a pause in the conversation, Mac turned to me.

"You're puzzling."

"Uh.. what?" (me confused)

"A few minutes ago, you're deeply offended at a joke about dwarves. But when I point out the blonde, you comment about her weight."

"I know, but I was just being honest. She's a beautiful girl. But in comparison to Katherine Heigel.. it was an honest comment. I didn't mean it catty."

Really, there wasn't any defense of myself that I could do without backpedalling into spineless.  I said what I said. I meant it.

He smiled. "I know. You said it very matter of fact. Not catty at all. Still funny."

"I just speak truth. Deal with it.  Btw, did you notice that her teeth, mouth, and motions are like Heigel's too? It's weird."

We actually pondered taking pictures of the girl and selling them to tabloids as "Katherine Heigel gets fat" pictures. She looked that close.

He kept getting text messages the entire night. One after another after another. I honestly was wondering if he had some jealous girlfriend.  After about the 4th txt, my flirtatiously curious looks started to take on a little less flirt and a little more curious, he told me who was texting.  Supposedly he has a couple friends who are going through a marital rough patch, and they both keep texting him for advice/perspective. It was a very ornate story he told which no one in the world would make up because it was so boring and who cares, but it was sweet him being there for them and not taking sides.

As the evening was drawing to a close, he started to show me apps on his iPhone. I have one too, so we were comparing cool things.  A few that he had were really cool, and so I had to download them.

We were then interrupted by some chick. I don't know who she was. She did not introduce herself to me, and instead only talked to Mac. They did not seem to know each other. She seemed to just be wanting to meet the "Hot Guy".  Slightly jealous from my seat on the other side of him, I calmed when I noticed they did not know each other and Mac was not acting happy about the interruption. He was nice, friendly, but the conversation was short and then he was back talking to me.

Shortly after that, everyone had left, save a few of us. Mac, some guy, and myself. The guy was standing by himself looking a little uncomfortable, and so I called him over to us.  As much as I like Mac, I hate to ignore people and make them feel like an outsider.  The guy came over. His name was Mike and thats all I found out before Mac drew me back into finishing our conversation.

Mac and Mike's tabs came through first. My tab came through as they were signing theirs, so they both took off.

Mac never asked for my number. I assume we're just friends. Its just nice for the ego though to have the hottest dude in the group commandeer you for conversation.

Experience With Suburban Clubbing

I went out last night fearing the worst. I really wanted to celebrate with Chrissy that her divorce was final, but I did not want to have to deal with Jessie. It honestly takes a lot for me to loathe someone, and I loathe Jessie. So I was not really looking forward to what should be an awesome girlfest.

I was wearing my grey leopard print blouse which is see through in certain lighting, med-dark jeans, and my black dancing shoes. I normally avoid wearing this blouse because I'm not that comfortable with invisible shirts, but decided to be a bit of a slut as a celebration of being divorced and free. Plus, I was pretty certain I wouldn't run into anyone important at the club since it was in suburbia. (By the way, the lighting in the club was not the right kind of lighting to make the shirt invisible. So I looked a little more "proper" than I intended.)

I drove out to Pflugerville to a burb-club. It was my first time there, and it wasn't too bad. The place is like 6 bars in one, with one room of girls dancing on the bar top, a karaoke room, a country dance room, a hip-hop room, and some other room which I never did figure out the theme.

Almost everyone there was roughly my age or older. Actually there were quite a few older country/cowboy type men. Unfortunately, I don't have those kind of daddy issues.

The group with Chrissy was pretty large (about 15 people) and diverse. A few people I'd never met before, a new male import from Chicago, and a couple from San Antonio looking to move to Austin. The wife was always out dancing or something, and the husband decided that I was a good woman to get to know. While flattering, I'm not sure I'm really that open minded.

The Chicagoan though looked a little tasty. Physically he was ok. Not really my type, but I thought I'd get to know him just in case. He was a little shy, so I drew him out by talking about Chicago. We shared stories about the differences between here and Chicago.

Then we got to talking about fashion. The guy is not gay, but really should be. We talked about the absence of fashion sense among most of Austin. I of course defended Austin a bit as its a different culture than Chicago and a different climate so changes in fashion need to be made. But when I first arrived in Austin, I was a lot like him and saw no reason for people to dress the way they do.

He then went on to try to explain to me as if I'm stupid about Cavalli and other fashion designers.

"You know Cavalli?"

I of course look at him like he's a moron and to just get to his point. Mostly because I'm insulted, and secondly because I couldn't care less about most designer names.

He looks at me like I obviously don't know what Cavalli is.

"Yes, I know Cavalli.. whats your point?"

"This shirt is Cavalli. Its the most expensive shirt I own. Most people here wouldn't know that."

I look at his shirt. Its a nice button up shirt. Sure. But does it look nice? Oh hell no. Sure on someone else it might. Under a suit, it might. In a business setting it might. But the striped shirt honestly looked like some kind of retarded country wear and did absolutely nothing for his complexion. I told him so as nicely as I could.

He attempted not to be offended, and then went on.

"You know Diana Von Furstenberg?"

It was condescending and yet not a rhetorical question. He waited for me to answer.

"Yes I know who she is."

"You know she perfected the wrap dress. It looks good on everyone."

I had to laugh at this. If you've ever seen me in a wrap dress, you'd know that they don't look good on everyone. Sure it might look better than some options, but it does not look good on me.

"Not everyone. THIS" I motioned to my body. "Does not look good in a wrap dress, trust me."

He tried to argue. He lost.

I then explained to him my take on "Fashion". Yes keeping up with the current trends is good, but its not all about having the latest and greatest name brands. The designer label on most things means absolutely squat to me. Yes I know designer names and styles, but I choose my clothes by how they fit and look on me. Sometimes that means a $5 t-shirt over a $50 one, or sometimes a $100 blouse over a $20 one.

I often get compliments on my outfits and choice of clothing and accessories. I even did when I lived in Chicago.

One of the biggest fashion mistakes that anyone can make is to assume that because the label is "haute couture" it will look good on them. This is the mistake that Mr Chicago was making. For him, it was less about looking good and more about status.

It was this that put him in my Douche-bag Hall of Fame. It didn't help that later in the evening he "judged" a woman who was just recently separated who has 3 kids and was a housewife prior to the separation.. now unemployed. He said..

"You know someone will have to pay for that divorce, and you know it won't be her. She's just looking for someone to pay for it. Totally not interested in her, because she'll find a way to make me pay for it."

And then, about 20 minutes later he left with her anyway. Obviously the woman has bad taste in men. I feel sorry for her.

Fortunately, Jessie was pure nice the entire night. Not fake nice. Not bitchy nice. But considerate nice. I don't know if Chrissy wore off on her, or if she was trying to get back on my good side. I really didn't care. For Chrissy's sake I was nice back.

Chrissy's best friend, Jen came over to me and asked where'd I'd been lately. I turn down every invite from Chrissy once I know that Jessie is coming. I just can't handle Jessie's drama. So I told Jen that.

"You know even if I don't like someone, I can tolerate them usually. It really takes a lot for me to hate someone like this. So I'm sorry, but if Jessie is coming I most likely won't."

Jen asked exactly what Jessie did. I explained to her that Jessie was usually so boy crazy that any guy I talked to she'd show up and try to dominate the conversation in any way that she could find. She even went so far as to belittle me or slip in something derogatory about me to make me look less attractive.

Jen smiled knowingly. She said that at first she thought Jessie was nice, but lately has started to see that side of Jessie. She was getting tired of Jessie. She said that it wouldn't be too long before Chrissy started noticing as well, and that they didn't always do everything with Jessie. She said she'd make sure to invite me on those occasions.

I really hate being the bitch. I used to just go with everything. Let people do what they wanted, and grin and bear it. But one thing I learned during my marriage is that I don't have to be a doormat. I've actually had enough of that. It was something I was taught as a child as a way to be attractive and part of being a woman, but in the last few years have decided that it's not... and it's definitely not me. I honestly used to get insulted when people thought I was a dominant person, now its like a badge of honor.

So while I can smile and nod with the best of them.. I don't have to and I won't be unless its because of something I want.

The rest of the night went well. I got hit on by several more men. Each unsuitable for various reasons, but it was nice and flattering.. and fun.

And I have almost perfected my club dancing. Ask me to Salsa, Two-step, Waltz, Swing and I can put on a decent show of following if not impress you. Free style club dancing? Not so much. So I've decided my club dancing niche is comedic dancing, and I had Chrissy rolling. She couldn't even do her dancing because she was laughing so hard. Yeah baby.. I'm hot like that!

Woke up Sunday morning with a massive headache, coughing, and the stench of cigarette smoke. One thing I love about Austin bars is that they're smoke-free. Pflugerville wasn't. Sure it was smoke-lite, and I don't recall having trouble breathing due to smoke but I remember smelling some. (I have a heightened sensitivity to smoke.) It just reminded me of why I go downtown and another reason to dislike suburban bars in Austin.

Can't Get A Date?

OMG.. This is way too funny and so I had to post for you all to enjoy.

A girl's voicemail recording from a potential suitor

Guys.. if you're this arrogant and demanding, the only thing you're going to attract is pathetic doormats who don't know better.

Girls .. just a reminder on why we're still single and maybe why we should stay that way.. lol